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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are your children your life?

223 replies

Earlymorningbirdschirping · 27/03/2023 21:44

Are they your reason for living/everything you do basically?
I was never massively maternal, although loved kids, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids for a long time, then suffered infertility and finally had my Dd at the age of 40.
I’d lived a lot and travelled a lot and worked a lot in a rewarding job (teacher)
I often need my space and reminisce about the freedom years, but I feel like Dd (now 4) really is what I live for, everything I do is for her and every decision I make. Is this a healthy/normal point of view? It’s sometimes v overwhelming and v intense

OP posts:
BeatriceFranklin · 27/03/2023 22:15

LetsPlayShadowlands · 27/03/2023 22:13

Yes.

And lol at the people trying to attach mum guilt to this.

I don’t see anyone trying to attach mum guilt. What I see is a question being answered on a public forum.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/03/2023 22:17

BeatriceFranklin · 27/03/2023 22:08

When they were little probably more than I anticipated but I never wanted my life to revolve around my children and it never has. I refused to lose my identity as a person and as they grew I encouraged them to be independent individuals while always being there for them. I have a very close relationship with my children although they have left home now. I’m not the type of mum who expects them to be on the phone or message daily but one or more normally do. I think it’s a bit odd for a parent to revolve their whole world around their child/ren tbh.

Guess depends on the age of the children.

Also revolves around is subjective- will I go out with my own friends- absolutely. Would I go out with my friends if my children had a drs appointment- no I wouldn’t at that precise time. I don’t think that makes me lost, I think it’s logical that your children are your first priority.

JMSA · 27/03/2023 22:18

MissJam · 27/03/2023 21:50

My little boy is, I absolutely adore him. Every waking moment is spent thinking about him or looking at him. If I go out on the occasional evening I talk about him, look at pictures of him… my friends must be so bored 😂

I could never have my own identity so lost.

Spyrothedragon23 · 27/03/2023 22:18

Yes 110%, I always wanted to be a mother. I adore my kids, they are my world and if I had to jump off a building for them I would.

SquirrelNapkin · 27/03/2023 22:19

I am horribly overwhelmed by the love I have for my children, I find that the joy of it comes with terrible anxiety. I worry about their future, about harm coming to them - the world has at once become much more beautiful and much more frightening

Devoutspoken · 27/03/2023 22:20

No, your life has to be more than kids, they will one day have their own lives

ourflagmeansdeath · 27/03/2023 22:20

I've never felt particularly maternal as a young woman, all 3 of my children were unplanned and I had them at 24, 30 and 38 so I guess it never changed. But every time they were born that all changed and I would do absolutely anything for them, they're definitely the people I love the most in the whole world and wouldn't change them for anything. I'd sacrifice everything for them to be happy. So in that sense, yes they are my whole world, but on the other hand it isn't like they're all that makes me happy. They're a huge part of me obviously but I have other parts to myself other than being a mother, I am my own person. This is why I was always scared to become a mother as a young person, the fear of losing my own personality.

I don't think it's unhealthy really to have them be your whole life. People just have different ways of loving and the bond between a child and parent will always be one of the strongest imo.

BakedBeeeen · 27/03/2023 22:21

No!

GneissWork · 27/03/2023 22:22

Hotcuppatea · 27/03/2023 22:12

They are my first priority, but there is lots more to my life than my children.

This.

I always act largely in their best interest; but it is in their best interest that they aren’t my “everything” or my “whole world” - I had a life before kids, and one day my kids will move out and I don’t want to feel I’ve lost myself for the last 20th years.

Dacadactyl · 27/03/2023 22:23

Yes and no.

I became a mum at 21 and i became a SAHM shortly afterwards, because I felt that was best for the kids. I spent 10 years not working. Then went PT aged 31. My working life has always been planned around the kids and i cant see that changing until theyre out of secondary education. So, in that respect yes, in that i have made decisions i wouldnt have done without them. When they were small my whole life did revolve around them.

Now theyre 16 and 10 and my husband and I have so much more freedom! It's great. We are able to do so many more hobbies, spend more time together, pursue other interests and do stuff we never did before because there wasnt the time or money.

I also think the role of a parent is to prepare children for adult life, so i am handing over more responsibility etc to the kids. Teaching them how to look after themselves etc.

As time has gone on, i have enjoyed seeing my kids develop. I think when they are young, its kind of more natural for them to seem like "your life" because youre with them more. But as they grow up, they need you less, so you fill time with other things. Thats what ive found anyway.

GneissWork · 27/03/2023 22:24

JMSA · 27/03/2023 22:18

I could never have my own identity so lost.

Show quote history

Same, and I’d stop calling that friend. All I share about my children is genuinely funny stories or achievements. And I don’t mean achievements like “got a tooth” 😂- nobody cares!

BeanCounterBabe · 27/03/2023 22:24

Mine are the most important things in my life but there is so much more to my life. They are 15 and 12 and I am so enjoying seeing them become independent and develop their own relationships and interests. I am really happy to have me back after the grind of the early years (though I miss the adorable toddler giggles and cuddles). Would die for them but I’m happy to have time for myself again.

CakesAndCookies · 27/03/2023 22:25

Oh yes!
I'm sure it's to do with the age I've become mother: 42. And the way we were parented.

Had suffered heartbreaking infertility .. it was so bad at the time, I thought at one point (without sounding overly dramatic) that I was going to die if it happens that I never had children.
Then my boy came along. Nearly 18 years later, I still look at him every day as the biggest miracle of my life. He is my life. Whatever I do is for him, and all about him.
Having said that, I'm learning to let go, and yes, it is bitter sweet. He's becoming more independent, I can see the change in him .. and I'm ready to embrace it.
I will definitely have more time to do the stuff I like doing - and I'm never bored! But he will always be the centre of my life .
I've been very fortunate to have had lot of love in my life. But the love for my child is beyond and above any other love I've experienced.

SoShallINever · 27/03/2023 22:25

Mine are grown up.
They are the absolute centre of my life but that doesn't mean that DH and I don't also have our own lives.

BansheeofInisherin · 27/03/2023 22:25

No. And now that they are grown, I am glad they aren't because they want to be off leading their own lives.

ConcordeOoter · 27/03/2023 22:25

Yes. The family unit as a whole with DC the highest priority.

I think it's unhealthy to be otherwise.

Slimjimtobe · 27/03/2023 22:26

Tricky question - yes they are my everything and I think about them constantly but they are a few years older and I’ve made a point of carving out my life this past year (eg hobby and dh and I have the odd night away and I have always worked)

ChangingUsernamesLikeUnderwear · 27/03/2023 22:26

No, although I love them more than everyone and everything, I definitely need time away from them sometimes to feel like myself again. I had very over-present, over-involved parents and it wasn’t healthy (we’re still very co-dependent) so I’m trying to avoid that with mine. They are by far the most important thing in my life though. So yes and no I guess, OP!

zaksmum1 · 27/03/2023 22:29

1000% yes
Everything I do
Is for them
I actually used to say to my husband that I'm not sure if it's normal how much I love them
I know every mother loves their children and you always hear about maternal love
But I always thought that the way I feel about my children is a bit over board 😂

My husband and I had rough upbringings
We partied hard before we had kids travelled loads and really loved our lives
But now we have the children everything we do is for them

I still do things for me but a lot of my happiness revolves around them
We still travel a lot just with the kids now as well
Occasionally we go out alone but only for adult type stuff like nights out or drinking involved days/nights and we always have fun but always look forward to going home to the kids
Mine are quite small so not sure if as they get older and older it'll change
We'll see but for now
They are my world

coldmarchmorn · 27/03/2023 22:32

Jesus no! I have several, and I love, adore and cherish them. They are my first priority and I would literally die for them if necessary.

But they aren't my life. I have much more in my life than just my children. Not everything I do is for them, by a long shot. Personally, I don't think that would be healthy and I think I'm a better mother for having a full life.

RandomUsernameHere · 27/03/2023 22:32

Yes they are but there are other people in my life that I care deeply about too. I also have a hobby that I am passionate about. My children are my number one priority though.

Snowjokes · 27/03/2023 22:32

Yes, mine are absolutely my life and my priority. There’s nothing I wouldn’t drop like a hot potato if one of them needed me to.

But, a few years in to this parenting business, I’ve balanced that with feeling myself. I have hobbies, friends, I can go for a night away without feeling guilty, I can enjoy conversations that don’t revolve around children. They can be my number one priority without me prioritising them in each and every instance. I feel no mum guilt in prioritising myself a healthy amount of the time!

Totally agree with a pp about not putting the burden of dependency on them. My mum did this and it had a very negative effect on our relationship for several years.

Lulu2171 · 27/03/2023 22:34

Yes, yes,YES. And I wouldn't have it any other way. A demanding job, lots of friends etc. But you get fabulous perspective and realise that honestly none of it matters apart from DC. I will never do anything as important or wonderful as having them and I'm head over heels delighted.

Karen398 · 27/03/2023 22:35

Yes, I have 8 of them and my world has centered around them for 21 years

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 27/03/2023 22:36

I adore my DD, she's my one and done, we have an incredibly close and loving relationship, I love every bone in her body, I couldn't survive if she wasn't here anymore. Buuut my life no, I have so much more to my identity and life, my other important relationships with DH, my friends, my career etc