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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are your children your life?

223 replies

Earlymorningbirdschirping · 27/03/2023 21:44

Are they your reason for living/everything you do basically?
I was never massively maternal, although loved kids, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids for a long time, then suffered infertility and finally had my Dd at the age of 40.
I’d lived a lot and travelled a lot and worked a lot in a rewarding job (teacher)
I often need my space and reminisce about the freedom years, but I feel like Dd (now 4) really is what I live for, everything I do is for her and every decision I make. Is this a healthy/normal point of view? It’s sometimes v overwhelming and v intense

OP posts:
Robinni · 27/03/2023 23:22

Ahh motherhood, yes this is pretty much it!

TheaBrandt · 27/03/2023 23:23

Ha mine are teens as you can probably tell! I would have a pretty sad life if they were the only thing in it!

Kanaloa · 27/03/2023 23:30

If I’m honest then yes. If I lost my job tomorrow for whatever reason I’d be a bit sad but I’d think eh well I’ll find a new job. If the house was burned down it would E stressful but I would manage to sort it out and find somewhere new and count our blessings that nobody got hurt. If DH and I split up I’d be heartbroken but in time I think I would learn to live differently on my own. If I lost my kids I wouldn’t want to go on in life.

MsRosley · 27/03/2023 23:31

I wonder how many men would be saying their kids are their world? Not so many, I suspect.

Kanaloa · 27/03/2023 23:32

However I don’t think your kids being the most important thing in your life means you neglect everything else. I still go to the gym, work, read, go to uni, relax etc. My kids are more important than those things, so if my kids were sick or couldn’t be without me for some reason I would place them above any of those things. But in everyday life you can enjoy normal things while also recognising how important your children are.

sunmonlight · 27/03/2023 23:35

No.

StarmanBobby · 27/03/2023 23:37

My kids are overwhelmingly the most important thing in my life, I also work with and volunteer with children.

TenoringBehind · 27/03/2023 23:37

No they’re really not. Mine are teens who barely give me the time of day. I’d be very miserable if they were the only or main thing in my life due to the fact they ignore me 99% of the time.

it is very different with a 4 year old though OP.

TheOrigRights · 27/03/2023 23:38

They are my priority in that everything else would be cast aside if they urgently needed me, but they also have other people they (and I) can rely on.
I am a lone parent and the younger years were pretty intense and I felt trapped at times. Now youngest DS is 14 I get lots of time to do things for myself and I'm embracing that. I can also spend time with others who need me, like elderly relatives and spending time with my nieces and nephews.

I love spending time with my kids. When my adult DS comes home and it's the 3 of us, I feel a sense of contentment I don't feel in any other area of my life.

I also crave time alone, but miss the buggers and worry about them at the same time.

I think that's normal maternal love.

I have a rich life in other ways - a job I love and feel fulfilled in. Many sports and interests and many friends and (mostly!) a great family.

stayathomer · 27/03/2023 23:44

They are my everything- same, I was never maternal, but I love them to the moon and back, and although we have ups and downs, they’re my reason for smiling. Now the youngest is 8 I’m starting to do things for me a lot more though- I’m under no illusions that someday myself and dh will be mostly alone, which is fine (but they’re welcome whenever they want to be here!)

romany4 · 27/03/2023 23:47

Yes.

My kids are adults now and I would die in a second for them still.
They are everything. I love then with all I have.
I also have a little grandson now too. I feel just as strongly about him

MrNorrell · 27/03/2023 23:55

Tbh, OP, the only thing you're going to find out from this thread is how different posters interpret the phrase "my children are my life". (Almost) everyone would agree that their children are the most important things in their lives, but how they express that will vary.

reddwarfgeek · 28/03/2023 00:01

Yes, but it wasn't like that immediately. It was more of a slow burn for me, DD became my everything once I could have a little chat with her at 3/4. I was not great at the baby and toddler years and mat leave wasn't my thing, I wanted to go back to work. But yes, I'm obsessed now 😂 I don't go on about her too much though as I know to other people it's very boring.
However I do get joy from other aspects of my life too, such as work and friends.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/03/2023 00:01

Yes they are
All in their 20's now, so I've "done my bit" and set them on the path
My biggest achievement I feel

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 28/03/2023 00:02

@OnlyFoolsnMothers has made me think with this comment

Would I go out with my friends if my children had a drs appointment- no I wouldn’t at that precise time.

not picking on this poster, but it has prompted a train of thought for me.

unless that appointment was a serious hospital one for a diagnosis or treatment plan etc, or a significant injury/illness in A&E, then I probably would go out with friends assuming my husband could be with DC.

it’s made me wonder if how much you feel the children’s other parent is equal has any bearing on the idea that your children are everything and your whole world?

I often see “mama knows best” type sentiments on here and I haven’t ever felt that. I don’t believe I know more or better about our DC that my husband, their father does, and I never have felt it since their birth.

BasicDad · 28/03/2023 00:06

My top priority, but not my life. I'd personally feel like I was holding back their own path if they were my life. I want them to ultimately feel free of me, but know I'm always there, and they'll always be my priority.

Kanaloa · 28/03/2023 00:10

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 28/03/2023 00:02

@OnlyFoolsnMothers has made me think with this comment

Would I go out with my friends if my children had a drs appointment- no I wouldn’t at that precise time.

not picking on this poster, but it has prompted a train of thought for me.

unless that appointment was a serious hospital one for a diagnosis or treatment plan etc, or a significant injury/illness in A&E, then I probably would go out with friends assuming my husband could be with DC.

it’s made me wonder if how much you feel the children’s other parent is equal has any bearing on the idea that your children are everything and your whole world?

I often see “mama knows best” type sentiments on here and I haven’t ever felt that. I don’t believe I know more or better about our DC that my husband, their father does, and I never have felt it since their birth.

Well I think mostly if a child had a medical appointment they are ill. If my kids were unwell or uncomfortable I wouldn’t enjoy going out with friends and having fun. Even though my husband would be fine to take them, I think an unwell child needs a lot of tlc and attention, and if I was out with friends of DH disappeared off to somewhere that wouldn’t happen. So not really ‘mama knows best’ but more ‘if a member of our family is sick or hurt we should prioritise them in that moment.’

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 28/03/2023 00:12

Yes

Macaroni46 · 28/03/2023 00:13

Went on a date once with a guy who kept saying his daughter was his world. Quite honestly, it gave me the ick!

pinkpotatoez · 28/03/2023 00:16

I work hard for my son and try to make the right decisions for my son, he is my biggest priority and I'd put myself on the line in heartbeat for him. However he's not my whole entire world, all my family, friends, career, interests make up my world, although he makes up the biggest part. I'm me before I was ever mum, I think it's important not to lose who you are, you're not just _'s mum, you are your own person. I think thats what's healthy

TheaBrandt · 28/03/2023 00:26

This thread has gone abit Peter Andre 😀

marzipansux · 28/03/2023 01:22

3 out of my 4 are adults now - living 2 hours away from or overseas. Still all 4 are my everything and absolutely best thing I ever did. No question. WOuld drop everything to help one of them - and have ( 24 hours travel to help one who had issues when on a holiday , rang and wanted me). Was there in 36 hours. Said "child" was 18 at the time and now 28 and completely independent and successful. It was just that one time things had gone wrong and they needed me

LighterNights · 28/03/2023 01:27

No. They're the most important people in my world but as long as they're ok I'm happy to pursue things to make me happy too. If my dc aren't ok though, then everything else pales into insignificance.

Pretty much everyone loves their own dc, I think it's funny that lots of people are saying "I like being a mum who loves my kids", like they're the unusual ones. Loving your kids wholey and completely really is the norm.

foxlover47 · 28/03/2023 01:27

@TheaBrandt 🤣🤣🤣🤣

VivienneDelacroix · 28/03/2023 01:31

They are the most important people in my life, but they are not my whole life, no.
I have a very fulfilling job which makes a very valuable contribution to society, I have friends who I love deeply, I have interests, and I really enjoy spending time on my own too.