To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

[MorrisCo]

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

Yes that could be a mistake. Either change to a different time/venue or you and your DH go out to the child free venue and do a family meal on a different night. You might put your son in a situation where he feels he has to decline or you upset your dil

So basically you don't want your DIL to celebrate your Wedding anniversary with you. If you did you would have booked somewhere child friendly in the first place.

What is a reverse?

Why not take your DIL to the fancy restaurant and tell your son to stay at home with his child?

I can't work out what's weirder. Taking your only son (without wife & child) as the third wheel in your wedding anniversary meal. Or doing a 'child-friendly' bespoke wedding anniversary celebration for a four year old who won't give a fuck.

Do dinner for the two of you.
Family friendly lunch for your small family.

Having an evening meal in a smart restaurant for adults only is fine. The younger couple can decide to get a babysitter or decline.
Having a family gathering at a more convenient time of day for a small child in your family is fine.
Inviting a family of three to a family party and then excluding two of them on a whim because you decide to pick an inappropriate restaurant for your guests is terribly rude.
Your ILs are horrible people OP.
If this isn't a reverse snd you are the MIL OP then you have no manners at all.
Not every event is suitable for children. I'm nice children are invited a suitable venue and time of day should be selected.

The last sentence should read 'if children are invited then a '

The meal is next month, that's time to change things. Assuming it's a Saturday/Sunday chose a more child friendly venue for all 5 of you in the day, maybe something with outdoor dining, a play area (in case its warm) or a riverside walk I suspect they won't mind at all. Save the 'posh' restaurant for you and your husband on the actual anniversary night. Much more romantic.
Telling them now DIL and GD aren't welcome is not on. Besides, what couple would celebrate their anniversary with ONE other adult...very odd.

Well a 4 year old should be perfectly capable of being in a nice restaurant. It would be pretty twatty to disinvite DIL, yes

I’d be fine with this.

I would expect your DS to refuse the invitation if you have disinvited your DIL. Or better still he should offer to mind your grandchild so that your DIL can go to the fancy restaurant with you, then watch you squirm trying to come up with another excuse why she can’t come. I’m a grandma with grown up children and grandchildren and what you are proposing to go back on your original plan is bang out of order

if my MIL pulled a stunt like that? I'd just leave all further contact with her up to her son. And that would be it because he wouldn't bother visiting someone who did something like that to his wife.

Why not go somewhere else? or suggest a babysitter (and pay for it) so DIL can go?

Besides, what couple would celebrate their anniversary with ONE other adult...very odd.

That's the weirdest part. It's like a Dennis Potter play.

Surely you can't be serious.

This has to be a reverse?!

Very rude indeed. You (your MIL) should change party venue to a different one if you think DGD won’t behave. Then go to the naice place just you and DH.

Really depends on the restaurant but if it's mega fancy make that something to do with your DH alone as it will be nicer - plus nice way to signify your bid anniversary. Congratulations.

If you have already invited DGD then it's probably best to chose something you can all enjoy together as they might be excited to go and could cause friction in the family. But it really depends on the restaurant. We have been places that are "nice" and still have a kid friendly atmosphere or just have loads of kids there anyway so your not really ruining the atmosphere. Still make time for you and DH to do something nice together, it's about you two in the end.

I would personally rather do a nice celebratory meal at home for the whole family and then go out somewhere posh with just my husband. I can't imagine excluding anyone...especially after already inviting them.

You invite them then choose a. wine that you now don't want your DGD at? FFS have a word with yourself before you end up just eating with your DH.

Exactly what I was going to say. Why do you assume it will be DIL who stays at home? Why shouldn't it be DS who looks after DGC?

How to tell us you don't like DIL very much without using the actual words.

If I was your ds I'd be saying no thanks. Why on earth would he want to go out for a celebration meal with just you and his dad after you've uninvited his wife and child.

Actually Why would he want to go with just the 2 of you at any time unless maybe if he was single . Weird

It sounds like you are worrying and are pre-empting what will happen, e.g. child misbehaves/ bored/ DIL and son think you’ve not thought about them and there feelings etc… and in turn are trying to “fix” the problem now before it is one and are essentially just causing a bit of uneasiness instead! I feel for you, as I think this concern has come from the right place. However, I think you would be wrong to do what you are now planning.

is it a big anniversary? Do you have any other extended family or close friends to celebrate with as well?

Have your nice lunch or dinner with your husbands and then do something different with your family. Even invite them round with a few other friends for tea and cake and Prosecco in the afternoon x

Oh dear. I think you know YABU. As others have said, save the fancy dinner for just you and your husband and invite your son and his family and your daughter to something more family friendly if you’re concerned about your granddaughter.

To rescind and say only your son can come at this stage would be really awful and he may not even come on principle.

The only way you can do it is, tell DS that thinking about it the restaurant isn't really appropriate. So you'll book xyz on abc date instead. You and dh will still keep the booking and obviously if DS and Ddil would like to arrange a babysitter and come you'd love that. And let them decide if they get a babysitter or only one goes. But set it up so that's the bonus even as opposed to the other dinner being a runner up event.

YABU and mean! Imo if my inlaws did this to me I'd be very upset. My OH wouldn't end up going and he'd be annoyed with his mum n dad. You run the risk of that happening!
DGD is 4.. She'll be fine in a restaurant.

I'm going to assume this isn't a reverse.

I think you'll ruin your relationship not only with your DIL but also with your son
If I was your son (not that I'm a man), I'd be pretty angry at you.

You invite your Son, his wife and his child to a meal. Now, you're dis-inviting his wife and child to the meal, but he can still come along?
If your son respects his wife and child, he should tell you to bugger of