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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

432 replies

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 18:59

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 27/03/2023 19:20

Surely you'd have a lovelier time with all 5 of you, rather than a strange 3some?

Have a fancy table for 2 on the day, then a family celebration with your DS, his wife and your DGD. Let them be part of your celebration.

mast0650 · 27/03/2023 19:20

Rather odd to arrange a special anniversary meal for the three of you. Downright rude if you have already invited everyone
I suggest you offer your son and DIL a choice between either this meal for the four of you (offering to pay for babysitting if you think money may be an issue) or choosing a more family friendly celebration for the five of you. If they choose the family friendly option, then you can go to the special place with just your husband.

Redglitter · 27/03/2023 19:21

Oh it's a reverse isn't it 🙄

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 27/03/2023 19:22

How will dgd become accustomed to sitting quietly and behaving whilst in a restaurant? She won't get to 10 and be miraculously well behaved!
We took our youngest wherever the rest went! He has been fab everywhere!

SylvanianFrenemies · 27/03/2023 19:22

Have a meal there with just your DH, and book a more suitable venue for a family meal.

zen1 · 27/03/2023 19:23

I don’t really think anyone would do this - disinvite their own DIL after previously including her on the plans.

GiltEdges · 27/03/2023 19:23

Why would you want your DS to tag along as a third wheel to a celebratory meal for your wedding anniversary? Confused It's either a family meal (in which case DIL and DGD come as part of the package) or you go as a couple.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 27/03/2023 19:23

I’d change the restaurant not the people

cansu · 27/03/2023 19:24

That would be very stupid. Choose somewhere else which is child friendly.

AudTheDeepMinded · 27/03/2023 19:25

Your DH is quite right. You can't just rescind an invitation like that, and to expect DIL to suck it up to provide childcare whilst DS lunches with you for fancy nosh is unbelievable. I bet she already does a disproportionate amount of caring/parenting. This would be the equivalent of lighting the blue touch paper and standing back. Do not act all surprised when there are fireworks, or even worse, silent seething resentment.

DashboardConfessional · 27/03/2023 19:26

Redglitter · 27/03/2023 19:21

Oh it's a reverse isn't it 🙄

Yep. And tbh if the relationship is like this why would the OP (DiL) want to go?

butterfliedtwo · 27/03/2023 19:26

Depends if you ever want to get on with your DIL, I guess. If that doesn't matter to you, crack on.

NBLarsen · 27/03/2023 19:27

I think it's fine to say the restaurant might not be suitable for the child, lots of fancy places are not child-suitable, child will be bored/not like the food. However surely there is someone who can babysit a 4 year old for a couple of hours over lunch so that your DIL can come too? Another relative, neighbour, friend of theirs? A professional childminder? Nursery?

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/03/2023 19:27

This has to be a reverse - if it isn't, the obvious move is to change the venue to make it suitable for all the people invited. You and DH can go to the fancy place the next day or whatever.

Hankunamatata · 27/03/2023 19:27

You have already invited them and dgd so I think you may cause offense. Would be more sensible to pick a somewhere more child friendly and go with family and save posh option for yourself and dh

Sparkletastic · 27/03/2023 19:28

YABU

Lesvacances · 27/03/2023 19:28

butterfliedtwo · 27/03/2023 19:26

Depends if you ever want to get on with your DIL, I guess. If that doesn't matter to you, crack on.

This ^^

Sure way to cause resentment and hurt.

Azandme · 27/03/2023 19:28

Would your DIL be unreasonable to keep DGD's birthday parties/ Christmases/special occasions MIL free on the basis they aren't really your age range?

YABU - and if the above did happen you would be very hurt.

flutterbyebaby · 27/03/2023 19:28

Why would you presume your ds would allow his wife to stay away to do the child care.

ancientgran · 27/03/2023 19:29

Gassylady · 27/03/2023 19:01

I think in your position I would do a family meal and then reserve the nice place for you and your husband. Seems likely to cause friction otherwise

Absolutely this. Uninviting DIL and DGD is going to cause upset.

HamstersAreMyLife · 27/03/2023 19:29

Gassylady · 27/03/2023 19:01

I think in your position I would do a family meal and then reserve the nice place for you and your husband. Seems likely to cause friction otherwise

Me too

IkeNoNo · 27/03/2023 19:29

I think it's fine and agree with you.

But having read previous threads I think the consensus will be that DGD needs to be included.

Ermweareemergencyservices · 27/03/2023 19:29

Evident reverse people, come on.

SundaySundaySunday · 27/03/2023 19:31

Terribly rude. My husband would not be happy if his parents behaved this way with me and DC. Surely you knew what the place was before you invited them. Either change the venue or offer to pay for a babysitter for your granddaughter.

FizzyWineAndCrisps · 27/03/2023 19:33

It sounds a weird thing to do to celebrate your anniversary with just your DH and adult DS and exclude your DS family. You need to either stick to your original plans of the 5 of you or just go with your DH.
If you exclude DIL and GD now you will create bad feeling and probably find yourself excluded from things they do later on.