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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

432 replies

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 18:59

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

OP posts:
DelurkingLawyer · 28/03/2023 20:59

No wonder she doesn’t like you much.

Pumpkinspice13 · 28/03/2023 21:00

If you don’t think it’s suitable then I would cancel and book something else. I don’t think it would be fair to exclude them after inviting them. Perhaps rearranging the nice restaurant for you and your DH would be the best option.

milveycrohn · 28/03/2023 21:02

We have eaten out regularly with DGC (currently ages 6 and 4) since when they were born.
In some cases the restaurants have been quite posh, but we choose lunchtime (as that seems acceptable for young children), and my DIL always brings plenty of activities for them to do.
As we have gone out as a group from when they were born, they generally know how to behave, though sometimes are excited at first.
If doubtful we check with the restaurant first.

GatoradeMeBitch · 28/03/2023 21:06

It's a shame that in one of your posts you say your DIL may not have a nice time because she'll have her hands full with DGD. As though DGD has no connection to the other three adults who will be there.

NettleTea · 28/03/2023 21:09

just to say that we go out to some pretty nice restaurants for my mum's birthday every year, and we have always taken our children with us, even as babes in arms.
A 4 year old should be able to cope for the duration of the meal. If its likely to be difficult, no doubt the parents will be aware and prepared.
When your son invited you, Im assuming that he didnt reject that restaurant out of hand.
I think you may be overthinking it.

nomoremerlot · 28/03/2023 21:11

milveycrohn · 28/03/2023 21:02

We have eaten out regularly with DGC (currently ages 6 and 4) since when they were born.
In some cases the restaurants have been quite posh, but we choose lunchtime (as that seems acceptable for young children), and my DIL always brings plenty of activities for them to do.
As we have gone out as a group from when they were born, they generally know how to behave, though sometimes are excited at first.
If doubtful we check with the restaurant first.

What does your DS do to entertain his children? What does he bring to entertain them?

nuttynet · 28/03/2023 21:16

I find this suggestion really strange

So your son is paying for you but his family is not welcome. Just him?

How strange !

Pick a restaurant that accommodates kids at a suitable time of day

You will alienate your dil for sure if you uninvite her and her child

ChrisPPancake · 28/03/2023 21:20

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 21:21

We only have DS no other children so it would be just the three of us. I haven't "uninvited" DIL we haven't suggested the idea of two celebrations yet. I won't say anything now as DIL has already accepted the invitation but I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy.

Why is the onus not on your son to entertain his child, only your dil @MorrisCo ? Are you planning to ignore them as well?

AllyArty · 28/03/2023 21:26

Bring a few treats/activities for yr gd. We bought a disposable camera to an adult event and it worked well for our little one. I think you would make yourself very unpopular if u didn’t go ahead with the arrangement. Maybe arrange something for just your husband and son some other time.

MamaBearBoo · 28/03/2023 21:45

If I was your DIL I would be offended I agree with PP do a nice meal for you and your DH it's your anniversary why does DS need to be there? He can come with his family at the family friendly meal!

Christie70 · 28/03/2023 22:16

You are celebrating a big anniversary. Surely the outcome of your marriage - your son, daughter-in-law and above all your grandchild, are more important than food and ambiance? Take them all, celebrate your family, enjoy the day. It’s not just about you! Pack a couple of colouring books and surprises for the little one. Take turns to take your grandchild for a walk if necessary. Anniversaries are rare and precious occasions so don’t exclude anyone.

T1Dmama · 28/03/2023 22:28

If you uninvited my child knowing full well that meant I couldn’t come, then yes I’d be offended…. As for a separate do I’d tell you to poke it!

keffie12 · 28/03/2023 22:30

Are you for real? Surely, this is a troll post. If it isn't, I suggest that unless you want to lose your family, you bin this insane idea.

You will lose your son, DiL, and grandchildren if you do this. If your son has any decency about him, he will be polite and say "all of us or none of us," or he could be very rude.

I can't believe you're even considering this. You're either an awful MiL or have had an insanity moment

Spiderboy · 28/03/2023 22:35

Really rude to uninvite her. Not sure why DIL would be “stressed” keeping the 4 year old busy…the child’s father is there too. In fact there will be 4 adults, it’ll be absolutely fine.

RampantIvy · 28/03/2023 22:35

The OP updated at 1.15 today. Perhaps people should read her update before posting.

T1Dmama · 28/03/2023 22:38

On the same note if my parents uninvited my daughter, meaning my husband couldn’t come… I’d tell you to both go out alone and I wouldn’t come either

Ladybug14 · 28/03/2023 22:40

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 21:21

We only have DS no other children so it would be just the three of us. I haven't "uninvited" DIL we haven't suggested the idea of two celebrations yet. I won't say anything now as DIL has already accepted the invitation but I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy.

I'm sure the child's father can look after the child very well

Leaving DIL to have a lovely time

You, OP, are a piece of work and some

angelikacpickles · 28/03/2023 22:45

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 21:21

We only have DS no other children so it would be just the three of us. I haven't "uninvited" DIL we haven't suggested the idea of two celebrations yet. I won't say anything now as DIL has already accepted the invitation but I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy.

Perhaps the child's father could help her keep their child happy. Or will he just sit there like a lump, simpering at mummy?

GettingStuffed · 28/03/2023 22:55

I'm going for a family meal not only is my DiL invited I've invited a 1 year old and a 6 year old who is table trained.

As others have said either go to another venue, Greek and Italian restaurants are especially good with children, or just the two of you go to the posh restaurant.

stacyvaron · 28/03/2023 23:56

I'm one that thinks very young children don't belong in nice restaurants. It's unreasonable (and unkind) to expect a 4-year-old to sit still and be quiet for the amount of time it takes adults to enjoy a celebratory, leisurely meal. If childcare can't be found then I'd suggest not doing it all, as leaving DIL out of a celebration would be hurtful, despite your good reason. Childcare or family restaurant.

MibsXX · 29/03/2023 04:52

Turn it around, if it was you getting left out for those reasons, after looking forward to it, how would YOU be feeling?

concertgoer · 29/03/2023 07:12

Why will it be up to DIL to entertain the child?
will there not be 4 adults sat round the table?
if you all interact with the child I think you will be surprised and delighted by her behaviour. If you ignore her and leave to her mother, I would expect her to be hard work.

to be honest if you took me to dinner and ignored me I’d be hard work too !!

Bleachmycloths · 29/03/2023 08:02

It’s everybody or nobody. Awful idea. Change the venue and later have a another meal for you and DH at a “posh” place.

Daffodilsandbeer · 29/03/2023 08:15

Bleachmycloths · 29/03/2023 08:02

It’s everybody or nobody. Awful idea. Change the venue and later have a another meal for you and DH at a “posh” place.

She can’t change the venue, just suggest it. Her son and family are taking her and her husband out for lunch. She’s the guest. Not the host.

Daffodilsandbeer · 29/03/2023 08:17

stacyvaron · 28/03/2023 23:56

I'm one that thinks very young children don't belong in nice restaurants. It's unreasonable (and unkind) to expect a 4-year-old to sit still and be quiet for the amount of time it takes adults to enjoy a celebratory, leisurely meal. If childcare can't be found then I'd suggest not doing it all, as leaving DIL out of a celebration would be hurtful, despite your good reason. Childcare or family restaurant.

Um what? Why do they need to be quiet and sit still for gods sake. They should be able to interact with their family . As long as they are not running around and causing too much noise then the child can easily be part of it.

this isn’t Dickensian times.

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