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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

432 replies

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 18:59

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

OP posts:
JustAJokeLikeOnTopGear · 27/03/2023 19:05

It’s your wedding anniversary, I would celebrate just the two of you at a more special restaurant and include everyone at a different time.

But I think anniversary celebrations beyond the immediate couple a bit weird generally.

mynameiscalypso · 27/03/2023 19:06

I take my 3:5 year old to fairly nice restaurants quite often, especially at lunch when it's a bit more child-friendly. We're going to one on Thursday as it happens, taking onto my parents and some family friends. He's perfectly well behaved, happy to be occupied with colouring or books (or silent screens).

Wrongsideofpennines · 27/03/2023 19:06

YABU.

This is so odd. Why would you choose a restaurant that isn't suitable for children?

Have a fancy meal with your husband and then one somewhere more suitable with the 5 of you. If you really don't want to choose somewhere for your granddaughter to be included then suggest your son/daughter-in-law get a babysitter, maybe even offer to pay seeing as you're now uninviting her.

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 19:06

SeulementUneFois · 27/03/2023 19:00

I agree with you but you'll be slaughtered here.

Hopefully you can see by every single reply except yours that its extremely rude and unreasonable to change this after discussing it?

Iam4eels · 27/03/2023 19:07

You can't exclude just her and the DC as it looks really personal then, it also presumes she should be the default parent who stays home to babysit when the child also has a functional father right there.

You either invite all of them or none of them and it's very bad form to un-invite her after she's already been invited and accepted.

Your options here are:

  1. Change the booking to a different restaurant where you can all eat together as a family
  1. Change the booking so it's just you and your DH, explain to them your reasons and arrange a family meal elsewhere for another time
  1. Proceed with the booking as planned and presume that if your DS/DIL (the child's parents) didn't think she'd cope then they wouldn't have accepted
pncr · 27/03/2023 19:07

Reverse?

Treeabovethefire · 27/03/2023 19:07

Mil, is that you?? Joke. I know it’s not as I’ve not spoken to her or allowed her near her grandkids for over 8 years now. Her loss 🤷🏼‍♀️

angelikacpickles · 27/03/2023 19:07

YABVU.

XanaduKira · 27/03/2023 19:08

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 19:04

This HAS to be a reverse!!!

YABVVVU considering you've already discussed it. Why the hell would you want to now change it to only you 2 and your DS? Weird!!

This!

Buffysoldersister · 27/03/2023 19:08

I think you will definitely cause upset since it was your suggestion in the first place and now you are effectively uninviting them. Why don't you speak to them and say something like 'we are worried that x place might be a bit dull for DGD, what do you think? Would y or z be better?' And see what they come back with. They might be relieved, or offer to pay for a babysitter. But if they think she will be OK then you would be unreasonable to pull out. My dc would have been fine at a nice meal at that age, although possibly not lingering over coffee afterwards.

SophieJo · 27/03/2023 19:08

You are joking of course! Aren’t you?

Multiblue · 27/03/2023 19:09

Maybe you could have arranged it as adults only from the start and done something separately with the whole family, but you can't invited them now.

If you want to go to this restaurant adults only, celebrate your anniversary there with DH and go to a family friendly restaurant or have something at home for everyone.

Do you honestly think it would have been OK if your MIL did that to you?. I'd expect DH to refuse to go TBH.

Sceptre86 · 27/03/2023 19:09

It implies that the meal is more important to you than your disaster presence. As a dil I would be hurt but would still encourage dh to go. Depends on your relationship overall.

Sceptre86 · 27/03/2023 19:09

*dil's presence even!

Multiblue · 27/03/2023 19:09

Oh. This is a reverse, isn't it?

Namechange224422 · 27/03/2023 19:11

This is the sort of thing which my mum does. It’s caused by anxiety but it comes across as controlling.

The decision for whether to bring dgd to the meal sits with her parents and not with you. If they are happy to have her in the restaurant they will accept your offer and bring her. If they don’t think it will work they will decline/get a babysitter/only your son come.

You can’t cancel an invitation like this after you have offered it.

SeatonCarew · 27/03/2023 19:12

If this is not a reverse then YABU and extremely rude. Please think about it and how you would feel.The time to consider this was before you issued your invitation, not now, and you would be extremely rude to invite your son and not his wife to virtually any occasion.

If you and DH want to do something in your own at some point that would be entirely natural, it is your anniversary, but please don't treat your DS and his family like a pick and mix, that won't end well. I say this as a GM.

Ohlalahair · 27/03/2023 19:12

Gassylady · 27/03/2023 19:01

I think in your position I would do a family meal and then reserve the nice place for you and your husband. Seems likely to cause friction otherwise

This is the solution!
otherwise it’s going to be hurt feelings.
Though if she’s 4, she’ll know how to sit at a table - she’s not 2!

MiniCooperLover · 27/03/2023 19:13

Why aren't you just being honest and explaining that a fancy restaurant with your DH and DS is your preference? If I was your DIL I'd be very offended and you absolutely will damage your relationship (assuming you have one at all).

Glitteratitar · 27/03/2023 19:15

I would get it if it was a big event but there’s only 5 of you, and now you want to revoke the invitation for 2 guests.

Sounds like you don’t like your DIL.

Go to the nice restaurant with your husband, have a separate meal for the 5 of you.

HamishHero · 27/03/2023 19:16

I'm sad for you if this is a reverse. I'm also sad for you if you are serious.

ChrisPPancake · 27/03/2023 19:17

The restaurant didn't suddenly become not child friendly did it?

ladydimitrescu · 27/03/2023 19:19

I hope all 3 of them refuse to celebrate with you tbh!

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 27/03/2023 19:19

@MorrisCo Why don't you and your DH do the posh non-child-friendly meal separately - just the 2 of you, then book somewhere more family-friendly for the 5 of you (including DIL and DGD).

JackHackettsMac · 27/03/2023 19:19

I don't think this is genuine. No-one can be that insensitive surely?

I'm taking both DIL's and DS's plus DGC for a big birthday meal over the Easter break. There's no way I'd not invite the DIL's or the DGC. It wouldn't be a celebration without them. 🤷🏻‍♀️