To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

[MorrisCo]

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

@BeckyBeehive you sound like an amazing DGM and MIL x

You DGD has two parents or is it not your son's responsibility to parent his own child as well? Why is it all on DiL to manage the child (and plenty of four year olds are just fine in restaurants)?

If you want a cosy dinner with just your son then organise it but don't pretend you want a family dinner for all five of you then uninvite two of the family.

You can't uninvite without causing huge offence. You can't even invite DS out separately to his family any time without causing offence really.

You can call DIL to say you've been wondering if the choice of restaurant might not work for DGD and suggest something more child friendly like a family visit to a farm / zoo / etc with cafe lunch, all your treat. Then you can have a nice dinner separately with your DH.

Why don’t you pick a different restaurant for the family do rather than exclude people? Go with your dh to the posh place.

I’d do this

God the things you read on here. What’s wrong with you op? Why would you even consider this. How horrible. And to pretend it’s altruism and you’re worried about your grandkid and daughter in law. Bloody hell.

I would expect to be seeing your DGD less if you uninvite your DIL and DGD....

Also brace yourself for a fall out with your DS.

All your choice...

Have the fancy lunch as just you and DH.

Arrange a separate celebration with DS, DIL and DGD.

If she suggests fhus she will have no choice,if the son is remotely decent he will decline the invite

@MorrisCo your behaviour and attitude towards your dil and dgd could be the reason why your dil doesn't let you spend much time with your dgd. I would have loved my dd to have a closer relationship with my MIL, but unfortunately how she treats my dd had led to us going very low contact. In our case (trying not to be too outing) general favouritism towards her older grandchildren and not showing much love towards our dd has resulted in us going low contact. She, like you, is totally the type who would say let's go and have a jolly and leave dd out, as if dd didn't matter , but phrase it in such a way, as if she's trying to do us a favour. There are words for mil's like that and it usually starts with the letter C. I hope your dil goes low to no contact with you. You don't deserve the privilege of spending time with your "d"gd.

A basic etiquette lesson:
You invited them. They accepted the invitation. It is too late to change your mind. Rescinding the invitation is rude and will harm your relationship. If you are worried about the venue then have a chat with them and ask whether they would feel more relaxed if you booked an alternative nice but more relaxed venue that you have already identified. If they agree then change the booking and rebook the posh place for just you and your husband on another occasion.

Why the fuck would keeping your granddaughter happy for the duration of the meal fall solely on your DIL???? Why can't your son keep her entertained. You sound fucking awful

This. Well done you if you raised a man who will sit there ignoring them both while his daughter grizzles.

Bloody hell. After 10 years on MN I now see that my DH is a saint amongst men and my late MIL, whom I used to regard as a bit difficult, was actually a gem. She would never have pulled this crap.

OP, if you genuinely want to have a good relationship with your grandchild, then include and invite her, and treat her like an important member of the family (DIL also).
Also, as others have pointed out, remember that your son is her parent too.

Anothervwondering why keeping a 4 year old happy is your DIL responsibility. We eat out regularly in all manner of places with my 3 year old and 6m old who behave wonderfully. But they behave because we involve them, talk and play with them. And when we eat out with either set of grandparents, they involve themselves too.

I also think it’s weird as hell to go for a meal to celebrate your marriage with your son only. 3rd wheel much?

No she won't as she'll have the children's father with her to look after his children.

Is it just me that thinks it would be weird to your son to an anniversary meal?

Invite your son!

You're a gem!

You should have considered all of this before you invited them.

Also, for you to think that it's only your DiL's job to entertain the child during the meal - is your son incapable? Are you and your husband incapable? - or can you not be bothered? No wonder she doesn't jump at the opportunity to spend time with you!!!!!

Go out for a meal with the five of you as planned - somewhere else if you think it would be better for the DGC. Then go to the posh place another time with just you and DH. That way you're not rescinding the invitation you've already offered, so no offence. Inviting just DS comes across as wanting DS to yourself, without DIL.

Mine would have been absolutely fine in a posh restaurant at 4, but they're all different. If you don't know DGC that well, have you asked her parents whether they think she would be okay with a long posh meal.

Regarding my DIL we get in well enough but aren't that close and she doesn't let me see DGD that often so I don't feel as close to DGD either although I'd like to be.

'She' doesn't let you see your granddaughter? What about your son? Does he not get a say?

Really unreasonable. It’s down to the parents to decide, not you.

It isn’t if they’re not paying. It’s still a shitty thing to do.

Just mortified for you, you are honestly the stuff of MIL nightmares.

Well, maybe you could look at your thoughts on this dinner thing as a sign you would like your relationship with DIL and DGD to be a bit different.

You say DIL doesn't "let" you see DGD often - how so? Do you try to make plans with just DS and DGD who then decide to stay with DIL instead? Do you ask DIL if you can pick DGD up from her? Do you try to make plans with DIL for you, her and DGD to do something? Have you ever invited just DIL anywhere, or messaged her about a new shop opening that sells things she might like?

I don't know if DIL just doesn't like you and there's nothing you can do to change it (I hope not), but I know that my and my MIL's relationship became a good one when I got invited out with her and my SILs for a girl's night. I felt like a female member of the family who she wanted to see, not just the person who facilitates access to the grandkids.

After that I was up for seeing MIL with the kids more often, because I realised she liked me. DH's family is a lot quieter and less in your face than my own, and I had always found the quiet and lack of emotional demonstration hard to read.