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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

432 replies

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 18:59

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

OP posts:
TwoShades1 · 28/03/2023 12:00

All I can say as a clearly not favourite daughter in law is I hope you have an amazing relationship with yours. That’s the only way you can possibly save uninviting her and her child from a celebration. It sucks a bit when your in laws aren’t that fussed about you.

Florin · 28/03/2023 13:13

You I can’t uninvited her now it would be terribly rude and I don’t see what is wrong with taking a 4 year old to a nice restaurant. We have been taking our child to really nice restaurants since he was just days old. At that age we just took quiet activities such as drawing or small little toys that wouldn’t make noise or be a disturbance to others.
By 4 our ds was naming going out to nice restaurants as one of his hobbies and telling us which restaurants he wanted to go to including Michelin star restaurants. He loved watching James Martin’s Saturday morning kitchen so would request certain chefs he had seen cook on there. We indulged him with it as we also love it and he is now 10 and a complete foodie. Just because they are 4 doesn’t mean they won’t enjoy nice food.

Original poster
MorrisCo · 28/03/2023 13:15

I've taken what you've said in good grace. I'm not going to say anything to DS and DIL. I couldn't do the meal just me, DH and DS by the way because DS offered to pay for this meal for us for our anniversary so it's his gift.

I'm not a terrible MIL I did think I was being thoughtful trying to consider DGD.

OP posts:
Ktime · 28/03/2023 13:20

MorrisCo · 28/03/2023 13:15

I've taken what you've said in good grace. I'm not going to say anything to DS and DIL. I couldn't do the meal just me, DH and DS by the way because DS offered to pay for this meal for us for our anniversary so it's his gift.

I'm not a terrible MIL I did think I was being thoughtful trying to consider DGD.

I'm glad you are not going to say anything, and kudos for returning to the thread.

But with your update that DS is paying for the meal, I do wonder even more how you ever thought it would ok to say you want it to be child free.

Anyway, have a great meal and you never know, DGD may be cherubic on the day.

maryberryslayers · 28/03/2023 13:22

I'm sure a 4 year old can sit through a meal, just take activities. If not change the venue to something more child friendly.
Save the original restaurant for your you and your husband to go alone, it would be weird and inappropriate to uninvite your DIL but ask your DS to come.
Also why would it just be your DIL that needs to keep GDD amused, what would her dad be doing?
Your attitude is reason why so many people struggle to get on with their MILs and likely the reason you don't see GDG very much.

ArchieStar · 28/03/2023 13:23

You’re certainly not the worst MIL in the world, however I think you should’ve considered DGD first if she meant that much to you. You haven’t responded to others about how during the meal it shouldn’t be just DIL tending to DGD, your son is a parent to and what’s more, other GPS would revel in that time with their DG. I know both my own DM and DMIL would, this may be the reason your DIL/DS is reluctant for you to have a relationship? Just my thoughts from what you’ve posted.

mycoffeecup · 28/03/2023 13:24

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 21:21

We only have DS no other children so it would be just the three of us. I haven't "uninvited" DIL we haven't suggested the idea of two celebrations yet. I won't say anything now as DIL has already accepted the invitation but I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy.

Is your son not going to put any effort into keeping his daughter happy? or is that just women's work.....

northernbeee · 28/03/2023 13:25

YABVU - you can't uninvite your DIL, which you are doing because she would have to stay home with DGD. You could, possibly, have got away with going for lunch with just your DS if none of this had been mentioned previously. You say DIL will be stressed with DGD, that's her problem, i'm sure she'd rather be there and stressed than singled out/uninvited - or maybe she wouldn't, maybe she feels the same about you as you clearly do her.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 28/03/2023 13:27

@northernbeee “You say DIL will be stressed with DGD, that's her problem”

I’d suggest it would be BOTH parents problem, not just mum.

BlossomOfOrange · 28/03/2023 13:36

Blossomtoes · 28/03/2023 11:46

It isn’t if they’re not paying. It’s still a shitty thing to do.

Show quote history

Money isn’t the important currency here, it’s a parent’s decision.

joan12 · 28/03/2023 13:42

Great response OP I would repay your son's kindness in taking you out by bringing some magazines, crayons, little toys or books for dgd and interacting with her. See it not as a relaxing celebration for you but an investment in your family. Then book another, more relaxing meal for you and your DH.

Blossomtoes · 28/03/2023 13:44

BlossomOfOrange · 28/03/2023 13:36

Money isn’t the important currency here, it’s a parent’s decision.

Show quote history

So you’re saying if I invite someone out for a meal they’re entitled to unilaterally decide to bring their kids with them? I don’t think so.

grivelling · 28/03/2023 13:51

If your DS is paying and he's married, isn't it the case that both DS and DIL are paying for this meal? Or do you not see the money as shared family money?

So you're asking DIL and DGD to not attend a meal they're paying for?

Iam4eels · 28/03/2023 13:52

Blossomtoes · 28/03/2023 13:44

So you’re saying if I invite someone out for a meal they’re entitled to unilaterally decide to bring their kids with them? I don’t think so.

Show quote history

No but when the children have been invited (by you) you don't get to then decide that actually they should stay home and one of the adults (that you also invited) should stay with them. Revoking an invite after it's already been issued is rude.

Blossomtoes · 28/03/2023 13:55

Revoking an invite after it's already been issued is rude

I completely agree but that isn’t what @BlossomOfOrange said.

LaughingSomnambulist · 28/03/2023 13:55

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 20:42

I've just finished going through the responses I'll try to answer the main points.

Firstly it's not a reverse. I'm not doing this to try and be away from my DIL and DGD I genuinely don't think DGD will be able to sit through the meal and it won't be fun for her.

Regarding my DIL we get in well enough but aren't that close and she doesn't let me see DGD that often so I don't feel as close to DGD either although I'd like to be. I was going to suggest a get together all of us as well as this meal so I'm not saying we don't want to celebrate with them, just the meal probably wasn't the best idea.

She doesn’t let you see your grandchild often? What? Does you son not having anything to do with your grandchild? Surely “they” don’t let you?

Why blame the woman? If you want to see your grandchild more then speak to your son.

DaveyJonesLocker · 28/03/2023 13:57

I think you need to look at the way you're viewing your sons family.

Your DS is paying for your meal, he's married, they're both paying.

Your DIL will be stressed trying to keep DGD happy, DGD has two parents that need to be equally keeping her occupied.

Your DIL doesn't let you see DGD often, your DS doesn't facilitate much contact with DGD (or you don't make much effort).

DaveyJonesLocker · 28/03/2023 13:58

Also, it's not even that you're revoking an invite. THEY are paying. It's their invite. You want to uninvited DIL from a meal that she's bloody well paying for.

toomuchlaundry · 28/03/2023 14:01

You seem to view your son and DIL as if you are living in the 1950s, he is the man who pays and everything child related is down to your DIL

LovePoppy · 28/03/2023 14:09

MorrisCo · 28/03/2023 13:15

I've taken what you've said in good grace. I'm not going to say anything to DS and DIL. I couldn't do the meal just me, DH and DS by the way because DS offered to pay for this meal for us for our anniversary so it's his gift.

I'm not a terrible MIL I did think I was being thoughtful trying to consider DGD.

So DS AND DIL are paying for you to go out to dinner as a family, and you wanted to uninvite one of the hosts?!

I can understand why your DIL doesn't trust you with her child. You obviously dislike her far more than you are admitting

DashboardConfessional · 28/03/2023 14:13

toomuchlaundry · 28/03/2023 14:01

You seem to view your son and DIL as if you are living in the 1950s, he is the man who pays and everything child related is down to your DIL

I was just thinking this. I'm fairly sure you don't get on with DiL because she's not performing your idea of Wifely Duties. Does she organise your birthday card?

HealthyFats · 28/03/2023 14:14

So you invited them to a specific restaurant (your choice) and they responded by offering to pay?

You can't uninvite them. What you could do is suggest a different venue (one which is more child-friendly) then go to the expensive place with DH another day. Why not just call your son and say you're looking forward to the meal but were wondering whether DGC might enjoy a different restaurant better. He might say yes, in which case you can switch, he might say no in which case stop worrying.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 28/03/2023 14:16

This reply has been deleted

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Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 28/03/2023 14:18

There is an opportunity here, for you to start building a relationship with your DIL and DGC. If you only have DS surely life is too short not to build a relationship with them. I am sure there is fault on both side but there are no winners if your son and his family are not part of your life.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/03/2023 14:19

MorrisCo · 28/03/2023 13:15

I've taken what you've said in good grace. I'm not going to say anything to DS and DIL. I couldn't do the meal just me, DH and DS by the way because DS offered to pay for this meal for us for our anniversary so it's his gift.

I'm not a terrible MIL I did think I was being thoughtful trying to consider DGD.

As others have suggested, @MorrisCo - why not simply change the venue of the family celebration, to one that’s more family friendly, then have a second celebration with your dh, at the posh restaurant?