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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

432 replies

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 18:59

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 28/03/2023 14:30

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/03/2023 14:19

As others have suggested, @MorrisCo - why not simply change the venue of the family celebration, to one that’s more family friendly, then have a second celebration with your dh, at the posh restaurant?

Show quote history

Ah, but then she would have to pay for the posh meal herself.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 28/03/2023 14:31

Maybe use the meal as the ideal chance to make some effort to get to know dgd better?
Unless your dil is on here and you are fucked op.

BlossomOfOrange · 28/03/2023 15:34

Blossomtoes · 28/03/2023 13:55

Revoking an invite after it's already been issued is rude

I completely agree but that isn’t what @BlossomOfOrange said.

I didn’t say it but that’s what the OP said, and what my comment refers to.

XanaduKira · 28/03/2023 15:43

DaveyJonesLocker · 28/03/2023 13:57

I think you need to look at the way you're viewing your sons family.

Your DS is paying for your meal, he's married, they're both paying.

Your DIL will be stressed trying to keep DGD happy, DGD has two parents that need to be equally keeping her occupied.

Your DIL doesn't let you see DGD often, your DS doesn't facilitate much contact with DGD (or you don't make much effort).

Absolutely this.

I'm sure you're not with worst mother in law Op, but you don't sound great either with the attitude displayed on this thread. If you're wanting a decent relationship with your DGD, you do need to work in being a better in law to her mother.

Frlrlrubert · 28/03/2023 17:10

Who picked the posh place?

Either you did, in which case you've suggested a family meal and then picked somewhere unsuitable and now want to uninvite 2/3 of their family- rude.

Or they did, in which case you're saying they picked somewhere unsuitable for their own child and are crap parents - rude.

Either way, mentioning it won't end well, and definitely won't improve your relationship with your DIL, and by extension, your DGD.

Sunshine275 · 28/03/2023 17:30

Im so surprised by this. Go to a nice restaurant with your husband. But surely special occasions you’d want your whole family their, but maybe that’s what I’m sensing you don’t see your daughter in law as family.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/03/2023 18:08

Once you've invited them and told it all about it and they offered to pay. It would be height of rudeness to uninvite DIL and GC.. and odd to go as a three.

So simple to just rebook at another childfriendly restaurant and go yourself and DH to the posh place.

Vynalbob · 28/03/2023 18:09

Can't believe anyone would think you're reasonable.

Like others have said meal for 2
Then meal for 5 kid friendly is an okay change anything else you're sticking two fingers up to your DIL and even your DGD
If I was your son & you suggested it I'd take offence on their behalf (presuming he doesn't just say yes 2u)

claire2273 · 28/03/2023 18:10

I think the fact you said ‘she doesn’t let you see dgd’ says it all really. Your son is her parent as well and is just as capable of arranging to see you as your dil is.

PalominoUK · 28/03/2023 18:14

How do you think children learn how to behave and be familiar with such places?
You are their guests, as I understand it, so they should be aware of how their daughter will behave so she won't show them up.
Just chill and enjoy the time with your multi generational family 😊

whynotwhatknot · 28/03/2023 18:16

oh god it gets worse ytoure not even paying?

if you think the gc would struggle talk to your son dont just say they cant come

AlinaRawlings · 28/03/2023 18:16

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 18:59

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

Very odd thing to do. Invite them then just decide actually grandchild and DIL can’t come but still invite your son? Why not just have the meal with your husband then do something else with extended family. If you do this you’ll be in for a world of shit!

niugboo · 28/03/2023 18:21

MorrisCo · 28/03/2023 13:15

I've taken what you've said in good grace. I'm not going to say anything to DS and DIL. I couldn't do the meal just me, DH and DS by the way because DS offered to pay for this meal for us for our anniversary so it's his gift.

I'm not a terrible MIL I did think I was being thoughtful trying to consider DGD.

You were going disinvite your DIL from the gift from your son and her?! It was pretty awful to be begin but that’s another level.

SarahsHoneydew · 28/03/2023 18:23

Can’t imagine how that conversation would go with your son to basically say his wife and child are no longer invited because you’ve changed your mind! Awkward to say the least and - he might not want to go without them!

Shinyandnew1 · 28/03/2023 18:25

I'm not a terrible MIL I did think I was being thoughtful trying to consider DGD

Thoughtful?! By uninviting her and her mother?!

Your son and has wife have offered to take you out for lunch for your birthday and you want one of them not to come-this is bizarre!

Who chose this restaurant, @MorrisCo ? Either it’s you and you have bizarrely deliberately chosen somewhere you think your only grandchild won’t like. Or your son/DIL chose the venue and they think their child will be fine.

Which is it?

Mummadeze · 28/03/2023 18:27

I would be offended if I was the DIL, depending on how you worded it. But if you said ‘are you sure it won’t be too boring for DGC, I won’t be offended if you want to come on your own’ to your son, there is a chance she might take the opportunity to opt out.

Lizrachal · 28/03/2023 18:28

YABU! Book a family friendly restaurant you see excluding DIL and DGD from the family. Can you go to nicer restaurant just you and DH

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 28/03/2023 18:28

This is a terrible idea. You should all go to the nice restaurant as planned. Take plenty to interest your dgc
A small child should be able to enjoy a nice sounding outing too, get her interested in the food too

Daffodilsandbeer · 28/03/2023 18:30

I also don’t get the dated sexism you display op; the wife doesn’t let you see the grandkid. The wife has to stay home. The wife will struggle during the meal with the kid. The wife won’t enjoy it as she’s caring for the child.

what about your son. Isn’t he the father, an equal parent and equally responsible for his child. Doesn’t he let you see her more often. Why’s it all his wife’s fault . The person who decides on how often you see her is your son.

do you genuinely believe the sexist shit you’re writing, or are you desperately trying to justify doing a shitty thing and disinviting your daughter in law and your own grandchild so you can get a lunch just with your son ans husband?

Scotland32 · 28/03/2023 18:30

Eek! My middle names are practically Child Free and yet even I think YABU. It’s the retracting of the invitation and the (even if unintentional) exclusion of the DIL that seem rude.
That said, if you do go ahead, surely they could find a babysitter so DIL can join? 4 year old DGD won’t even know what she is missing.

londonrach · 28/03/2023 18:32

Change it to a more suitable venue. Surely dil and dgc are important members of your family. Yabvvvvu

nomoremerlot · 28/03/2023 18:34

MorrisCo · 28/03/2023 13:15

I've taken what you've said in good grace. I'm not going to say anything to DS and DIL. I couldn't do the meal just me, DH and DS by the way because DS offered to pay for this meal for us for our anniversary so it's his gift.

I'm not a terrible MIL I did think I was being thoughtful trying to consider DGD.

So DS had offered to pay for a meal for the five of you, you are then going to dictate that it's just for the three of you?

Fuck me, that is bad!

You do realise that it's not a case of him "having to go because he's paying", it'll be a case of him withdrawing his gift and telling you to fuck off.

Daffodilsandbeer · 28/03/2023 18:44

MorrisCo · 28/03/2023 13:15

I've taken what you've said in good grace. I'm not going to say anything to DS and DIL. I couldn't do the meal just me, DH and DS by the way because DS offered to pay for this meal for us for our anniversary so it's his gift.

I'm not a terrible MIL I did think I was being thoughtful trying to consider DGD.

Oh god, I missed this, you do understand they are a family, so him and his wife are both taking uou as a gift. How could you even consider trying to get his wife and kid uninvited. That’s shocking.

Harrysmummy246 · 28/03/2023 18:45

Yabu having not thought about it before suggesting and then excluding almost half of the original party.
Oh and 4year olds can behave in nice restaurants too with appropriate guidance, or a well timed trip to look at pictures on the way to the toilets etc.

My parents have always included Ds as their only grandchild

Harrysmummy246 · 28/03/2023 18:49

And fwiw I was taken to France for my grandparents ruby wedding party in a nice hotel. As was dsis who would have been 2. We were taken to most of those things in nice restaurants and we behaved. That was what was expected