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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

432 replies

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 18:59

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

OP posts:
Daffodilsandbeer · 28/03/2023 18:53

It’s such a drip feed; the whole op is written like the op invited them and then decided it was not suitable for a small child

when in fact the son and daughter in law have invited them out and they are their guests and the op was considering telling them that the venue they chose was t suitable for their own child. So hopefully her son would just take her and her husband out and the daughter in law would need to stay home with the grandkid.

op, they decide what’s suitable for their kid. Not you.

PippaF2 · 28/03/2023 18:58

My MIL booked a Michelin star restaurant for her anniversary and expected our 1yr old to be there.

She called the restaurant and explained a baby would be joining. She booked for a very early lunch on a weekday and asked for a table that was tucked away to not disturb other diners. Then said to us - oh well if the DGC acts up there are 4 adults to take her out for a stroll.

My MIL is nothing but 'family first'.

I think the idea of a putting together a pack with crayons and colouring books etc is an excellent idea that a pp mentioned.

Relax OP and go with the flow.

rogueone · 28/03/2023 19:01

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 20:42

I've just finished going through the responses I'll try to answer the main points.

Firstly it's not a reverse. I'm not doing this to try and be away from my DIL and DGD I genuinely don't think DGD will be able to sit through the meal and it won't be fun for her.

Regarding my DIL we get in well enough but aren't that close and she doesn't let me see DGD that often so I don't feel as close to DGD either although I'd like to be. I was going to suggest a get together all of us as well as this meal so I'm not saying we don't want to celebrate with them, just the meal probably wasn't the best idea.

and that is why you cant exclude your DGD and her mother as the relationship will be fully ended

pollykitty · 28/03/2023 19:07

WTF. I just cannot understand the way people think children will automatically ruin a ‘nice’ event. Are your family members feral? Weddings and wedding anniversaries are about family and friends, including children. I’ve actually never been asked to leave my kid at home but if I was it would be a big No Thanks, looks like I’m busy that day.

Callingallskeletons · 28/03/2023 19:12

So 5 people and you’ve now decided 2 of them shouldn’t come???
I think YABVU and in all honesty if you were suggesting that to my DH our DC should be excluded I’d be fecking furious if he went too

IhearyouClemFandango · 28/03/2023 19:12

MorrisCo · 28/03/2023 13:15

I've taken what you've said in good grace. I'm not going to say anything to DS and DIL. I couldn't do the meal just me, DH and DS by the way because DS offered to pay for this meal for us for our anniversary so it's his gift.

I'm not a terrible MIL I did think I was being thoughtful trying to consider DGD.

That's even worse, he's paying and arranging but you want to decide the guest list and uninvite his family?! Bonkers.

IhearyouClemFandango · 28/03/2023 19:13

And they're a family, she's paying too! I don't understand how you think your update makes it any better at all, in fact it's far worse.

Bananagirl23 · 28/03/2023 19:20

Sorry OP but it does come across like you haven’t accepted your son has his own family unit now and you don’t want to let him go - but they are his no.1 priority now, like it or not!

PollyAmour · 28/03/2023 19:21

I think you should cancel the entire event and offer to babysit so your son and his wife can go out for a lovely meal together. The idea of the five of you going for an anniversary meal with you shooting daggers at your daughter in law every time the child giggles, is quite unpleasant. You may not have intended to, but you come across as mean spirited and controlling.

RoddyStJames · 28/03/2023 19:23

IhearyouClemFandango · 28/03/2023 19:12

That's even worse, he's paying and arranging but you want to decide the guest list and uninvite his family?! Bonkers.

Show quote history

Isn’t it just?!

namechange3394 · 28/03/2023 19:27

toomuchlaundry · 28/03/2023 14:01

You seem to view your son and DIL as if you are living in the 1950s, he is the man who pays and everything child related is down to your DIL

This!

DS is paying.
DDIL will be stressed looking after the child.
DDIL doesn't let me see the child often.

It makes me wonder OP whether you've raised a sexist bloke whose wife is probably moaning about him and you on here, or whether you're just sexist yourself.

I'm glad you're not going to say anything because if I was your DS I'd be declining your "thoughtful" offer to disinvite the rest of my family on my behalf, and we'd be spending that money on going out for a meal ourselves without you there.

Ermweareemergencyservices · 28/03/2023 19:30

This cannot be real. Every post gets worse.

Bugbabe1970 · 28/03/2023 19:33

DashboardConfessional · 27/03/2023 20:52

Right, well, you need to uninvite your son (who is a husband and father) as well then. He's not 18 and being taken out for dinner because he did well in his A-Levels.

This with bells on!!!

runsense · 28/03/2023 19:40

Ask your DS to stay home and take care of thei kid and bring DIL.

You are being really unreasonable. Poor DIL

Womencanlift · 28/03/2023 19:49

I doubt the OP will come back again but would be keen to understand why she considers her son and DIL as two separate entities when it comes to giving a gift. I bet the DIL is a SAHM so OP views it as her sons money

Fits the 1950s view right down to the DIL being the only one to look after their DC

fantasyhomesbythesea · 28/03/2023 20:06

YABU and embarrassing

Sillyname63 · 28/03/2023 20:10

Book yourself a nice posh hotel and stay the night just the two of you and book a family friendly meal with your granddaughter or a nice afternoon tea somewhere But just another thought how will your granddaughter learn how to behave in a nice "posh" restaurant unless she is introduced to it a a young age. My daughter at 4 would have been more than capable of sitting and eating her food nicely but probably would not have liked to sit around in the bar area when we had finished. I would feel snubbed if I was your DiL

WilsonMilson · 28/03/2023 20:16

Fucking hell op, I’d be bloody furious if I was your DIL. And my DH would tell his mother where to go if she pulled some shit like that.
Its either all of you or none of you.

Surely this is a reverse, you cannot possibly be so tactless?

WilsonMilson · 28/03/2023 20:17

Why do you hate your DIL?

Reddickyouless · 28/03/2023 20:21

How interesting that you thought DIL may get stressed at trying to keep DGD happy & that you can't change the restaurant ar your DS has offered to pay
Will your son be opting out of parenting that day then?
Do you not think that your DIL has any saying in where they spend their money, or is it just up to the man ?

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 28/03/2023 20:38

MorrisCo · 28/03/2023 13:15

I've taken what you've said in good grace. I'm not going to say anything to DS and DIL. I couldn't do the meal just me, DH and DS by the way because DS offered to pay for this meal for us for our anniversary so it's his gift.

I'm not a terrible MIL I did think I was being thoughtful trying to consider DGD.

I can't believe that you would try and uninvite her from a meal she is paying for 😂

People think mils get a bad rap on here but then you see posts like this!

HealthyFats · 28/03/2023 20:41

Here's how you do it:

OP- "I'm so looking forward to our lunch next week. My only thought was that it might be a bit stuffy at Anatole's for little Millicent. Would she prefer somewhere else? We're really keen to see you all."

Then either:

DS- "Oh no, she'll be fine at Anatole's."

Or:

DS- "To be honest, we wondered the same. Pizza Express might be more her scene."

OP- "Pizza Express it is. Your father and I can go to Anatole's another time."

Disinviting anyone is a complete non-starter.

DoubleFunMum · 28/03/2023 20:41

Not sure why you would expect your son to want to attend that? My husband would tell his parents to take a hike. There's no way he'd have lunch with them and leave me and baby at home. He'd leave them to it.

DoubleFunMum · 28/03/2023 20:44

Also, the only time my small children find meals in restaurants boring is when the company leaves something to be desired - usually when Granny is alternately firing closed questions at them and performance grand-parenting for the sake of spectators. Pretending to want to spend time with your GD but not actually following through would be poor play - sending mixed messages somewhat.

RachaelN · 28/03/2023 20:56

This screams that you are deliberately excluding your DIL.