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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to tell me how I should split childcare with DH! We can't agree!!!

179 replies

Questionnn · 27/03/2023 12:57

DH and I are in disagreement over a fair way to divide child caring responsibilities between us, so would like to ask you wise MNs how you would divide it if this was in your household?

Dh has a 'big job' and I have just returned from mat leave to a PT role, previously worked FT.

Dh and I split weekends so each gets a day - one of us Saturday and one of us Sunday. On 'our day' at weekend, we are not responsible for the baby eg feeds, nappy changes etc and have the opportunity of a lay in etc.

On Dhs 'day' he chooses to get up early to go to a hobby he could do at a different time but likes to miss the traffic so leaves house at 7.30am. I don't have any hobbies so on my 'day' choose a lay in or to leave house early with him to take baby out for the morning so we are back in time for baby's lunch and nap. I will also do a bit of housework and cook dinner.

Can you tell me who you think should do

  1. bath and bedtime
  2. night time wakings
  3. sorting baby in the morning

for each day...

Monday- DH works from home 9-6. I am at home all day with baby.

Tuesday and Wednesday - DH is at work, leaves for train 6.20am and gets back 7pm. He doesn't see baby at all.
I get baby up and sort us both, do nursery drop before going to work, then collect baby. One week I have short shifts so have about 2 hours to myself to do housework etc each day, one week I work all day. I do bath and bedtime.

Thursday - DH is at work, leaves for train 6.20am and gets back 7pm. He doesn't see baby at all. I am at home all day with baby, do bath and bedtime.

Friday - DH works from home 8-5/9-6. DH drops baby to nursery for 8am, comes home and picks baby up from nursery after he finishes wfh. I have to leave at 8am for work and get home around baby's bath and bedtime.

Weekends we each get a day off.

OP posts:
Itsbytheby · 27/03/2023 13:02

Do you never have family time? I just can't imagine going "baby is hungry/ nappy needs changing, but it's saturday so I won't give him any food/ change it as it's DH's day", or DH doing the same. I'd be fuming if he didn't change a nappy becuase he was waiting for me to do it becuase it was "my" day.

I would say on DH's wfh days he should do more. I am not sur ehow he can on days he's away all day. But sounds a bit odd to me to divide things up so rigidly.

JanglyBeads · 27/03/2023 13:04

How old is baby? Are both your working patterns stable for the foreseeable?

JanglyBeads · 27/03/2023 13:05

Also, baby's needs are important - which days seem to work better for him/her, if any?

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 13:05

This sounds a really odd set up. You each get a day to yourself where you checkout, so no quality family time?

And as you work PT I imagine more should be on you. But he should still do some things as well.

cheatingcrackers · 27/03/2023 13:05

I'd say something like

Monday & Friday - DH - (1) and (3)
Tuesday - Thursday - You (1) and (3)

Night wakings - you should do the ones prior to his early starts (so Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday nights) so he should do Sunday and Thursday nights. For Friday and Saturday night I would say nights should be done by whomever has the following day off as they can use that opportunity to refuel themselves!

YaWeeFurryBastard · 27/03/2023 13:06

That sounds pretty miserable! You’re married, aren’t you supposed to be a team instead of his day/your day etc.?

We don’t have kids yet but we’ve agreed I’ll be going back part time (hopefully 4 days one of which will be from home). We’ve agreed DH will do 2 drop offs and one pick up a week and I’ll do the other 2 drop offs and 3 pick ups. I’d be seriously unimpressed if DH refused to help with the baby because it wasn’t his “day”.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2023 13:06

Monday - DH gets baby sorted before starting work, and does bed and bath. You do dinner.

Tuesday, Wednesday, -
You do morning and bed / bath. Easy dinners, one each or take out or bath cook weekends so reheat etc. One each.

Thursday - you do morning and bed / bath. You do dinner.

FRIDAY - DH gets baby sorted before starting work, and does bed and bath. He does dinner.
.
But I'd consider if baby will go down a little later so they're actually seeing you both. If you're home for 7, could they go down at 7. 30?

What time is he back on his day? Does he see baby at all? Who does the housework and dinner in this day?

Why are you doing housework znd cooking plus looking after the baby on tor day off?

cheatingcrackers · 27/03/2023 13:07

I agree with others that it sounds very rigid but I wonder if it's come to this because your DH wasn't doing anything when you adopted a more fluid set up...

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/03/2023 13:07

I find it a bit transactional tbh. That you each have a full day where you dont change a nappy because it's not 'your turn'...what happens if one of you is knackered or ill or just had enough?

Anyway I think in general you should both have equal down time - looking after young kids, essential chores, paid work and commuting counts as work and you both get equal time 'off'. So if one of you is doing bedtime, the other washes up dinner stuff for example and then you both chill after.

I find it a bit sad...I might be reading between the lines but it sounds like someone who doesnt even see his own children for the majority of the week is arguing the toss to ensure he spends as little time as possible with them at the weekend. Most fathers I know in that position are keen to take over a bit at the weekend so they feel like a fully involved active parent

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2023 13:08

JanglyBeads · 27/03/2023 13:05

Also, baby's needs are important - which days seem to work better for him/her, if any?

Which days seem better for the baby for what??

shakeitoffsis · 27/03/2023 13:10

What a strange situation to live in.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2023 13:11

Are you arguing because you’re each wanting to look after the baby or avoiding it? It’s unclear.

givemushypeasachance · 27/03/2023 13:11

So are you asking who should be doing those things every day?

You've said your husband works away all day and never even sees the baby Tue/Wed/Thu so he's ruled out on those days - except possibly for overnight waking duty. And according to your weekend splitting system are you saying when it's "your day" you have zero baby responsibilities, so Sat and Sun are already split up?

If so, you would just be asking who should do what on Monday and Friday. And Monday you're home and he's WFH, so more on you I'd imagine but he could contribute a bit. And Friday he's WFH and you're out working, so shared but more emphasis on him.

Maybe I've not understood correctly though. Is your weekend splitting system not as strict as it initially sounded?

Zola1 · 27/03/2023 13:14

Agreed with above, we tend to just split things as they happen.. or sometimes flip a coin if we both really don't want to do it 😂. Kids are 12, 8, 4 and 2 so we've been doing it a long time and are basically both in constant demand to be doing something, it's generally accepted if we are both sitting down then one of the kids will be causing trouble somewhere.
Sometimes v quick negotiations happen (if you go and deal with that screaming, I'll do baths...if I deal with this wee accident, will you do their tea).
I guess it just works for us. Big picture though, for us, whoever is home first does the cooking, if someone is off they do school and nursery runs, otherwise we just negotiate and stuff gets done. I think this relies on having a partner who is a good Co pilot. (Not a brag he's a pain in my neck and useless in 60 percent of ways).

JanglyBeads · 27/03/2023 13:17

@SleepingStandingUp I meant when is the baby more settled/happy?

KrisAkabusi · 27/03/2023 13:19

Who thinks the current setup is unfair? You both get a day at the weekend. You're part-time so it makes sense for you to be looking after the baby while your husband is working.

TokyoSushi · 27/03/2023 13:19

I couldn't do it this way, it's too rigid. But reading between the lines, you feel like you're doing everything and DH not enough, so that should change where it can.

We also do the quick negotiations, I'll make the kids tea if you walk the dog and the like!

Wishawisha · 27/03/2023 13:19

Do you have to have a timetable and a set rota of jobs?

I couldn’t live like that. We are a family. We all chip in. Sometimes DH is picking up the slack and I’m maybe not pulling my weight and then other times it will go the other way.

CornishGem1975 · 27/03/2023 13:19

Monday: Mum: Sort baby in the morning. Dad bath and bedtime.
Tuesday: Mum: Sort baby in the morning, bath and bedtime.
Wednesday: Mum: Sort baby in the morning, bath and bedtime.
Thursday: Mum sort baby in the morning, bath and bedtime.
Friday: Dad do baby in the morning, and do bath and bedtime.

Mum might be doing a bit more, but then dad works full-time and mum doesn't, and dad also isn't around due to work so it's not an option.

I'd suggest night wakings are just split. Seeing as you both need to be up and about the next day.

Though why there needs to be such a rigid routine I don't know. It's an all-hands-on-deck situation here, whoever has the spare time does it.

PinkSyCo · 27/03/2023 13:21

Fucking hell it’s all rather regimented isn’t it? This is a baby we’re talking about, YOUR baby not a bloody prisoner of war army cadet!

Hoppinggreen · 27/03/2023 13:22

You sound like my cousin who refused to even touch her baby on her husbands “day”, they visited and he asked her to hold the baby for a second while he did something but she refused (I did it)
To be fair he was a twat and she was making a point, they got divorced a year later.

Its actually nice to do stuff all together sometimes

Wishawisha · 27/03/2023 13:22

I find it a bit transactional tbh. That you each have a full day where you dont change a nappy because it's not 'your turn'...what happens if one of you is knackered or ill or just had enough?

I know, I just can’t imagine this. So I’m downstairs with the baby and DH is let’s say, cleaning the bathroom or having a shower or mowing the lawn.. the baby does a poo and I should go and fetch DH to change the nappy because it’s “his” day? You can’t just change the nappies that need to be changed without keeping score?

Snorlaxing · 27/03/2023 13:23

Your set up is very strange. It's more like 2 parents living in different homes than a family. is this because one of you h couldn't cope with an everyone muck in if they are around setup?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/03/2023 13:23

Sounds far too regimented for me. I can understand each having a morning off to lie in or do a hobby or whatever but then having designated that day as one of you doing all baby care....

Zhougzhoug · 27/03/2023 13:24

On Monday and Friday maybe you could do one chore each - someone does nursery drop off, someone else does tea. On the weekend, why don't you just take a morning each and then reconnect around lunchtime for some family time. Apart from that I think it's probably fair. But you will need to be flexible because children's needs change and there will be school admin, homework and reading books soon enough. Try and enjoy it because life really is short and precious. Do you have friends and family to see?