To ask you to tell me how I should split childcare with DH! We can't agree!!!

[Questionnn]

DH and I are in disagreement over a fair way to divide child caring responsibilities between us, so would like to ask you wise MNs how you would divide it if this was in your household?

Dh has a 'big job' and I have just returned from mat leave to a PT role, previously worked FT.

Dh and I split weekends so each gets a day - one of us Saturday and one of us Sunday. On 'our day' at weekend, we are not responsible for the baby eg feeds, nappy changes etc and have the opportunity of a lay in etc.

On Dhs 'day' he chooses to get up early to go to a hobby he could do at a different time but likes to miss the traffic so leaves house at 7.30am. I don't have any hobbies so on my 'day' choose a lay in or to leave house early with him to take baby out for the morning so we are back in time for baby's lunch and nap. I will also do a bit of housework and cook dinner.

Can you tell me who you think should do

1. bath and bedtime
2. night time wakings
3. sorting baby in the morning

for each day...

Monday- DH works from home 9-6. I am at home all day with baby.

Tuesday and Wednesday - DH is at work, leaves for train 6.20am and gets back 7pm. He doesn't see baby at all.
I get baby up and sort us both, do nursery drop before going to work, then collect baby. One week I have short shifts so have about 2 hours to myself to do housework etc each day, one week I work all day. I do bath and bedtime.

Thursday - DH is at work, leaves for train 6.20am and gets back 7pm. He doesn't see baby at all. I am at home all day with baby, do bath and bedtime.

Friday - DH works from home 8-5/9-6. DH drops baby to nursery for 8am, comes home and picks baby up from nursery after he finishes wfh. I have to leave at 8am for work and get home around baby's bath and bedtime.

Weekends we each get a day off.

I like the fact that it’s regimented else you end up having the mother as the default parent and you do way more than your fair share.

You can also plan hobbies or socialising without having to ask your partner or booking something on the same day.

This seems so odd. Just muck in together and alternate lie ins on the weekend.

So your not disagreeing with each other then?

The disagreements are definitely due to the sleep deprivation we are both suffering. Baby is 10 months and will still wake through the night several days a week so if we were getting a good nights sleep, i think we would be far better at compromising!

Perhaps you would be better off agreeing how night waking and mornings are handled and being flexible the rest of the time.

I suggest you look at DH also having one day off a week, only working 4 days. Then he could do his hobby on that day, and you do something together on the weekend. Stress from overworking is a real killer!

But i agree with posters that it isn't ideal if you are keeping track of who's done what, but unfortunately it's his makeup.

Tbh I find it very hard to imagine things working out well in the long-term if this is already how you are being forced to do things because of his make-up.

Its not even that. If your part time it's how it goes a lot of the time. OP needs to realise they have a DC.

My God how would they go on with 2 kids?

I find this set up bizarre! We have 3 kids, I've worked part time since dc1, dh works full time. Leaves around 5.30am home about 6. We just pitch in where jobs need doing. A wash to go on, just do it, floors need hoovering, just get on, kids need something, it's just done. The only thing we do in turns is the youngest dc bedtime.

personally I think you have to look at how much leisure time each person gets when not working/looking after baby/ doing housework. This should be vaguely equal. Playing sport rather than lying in is a choice!

Also, if possibly can you get anything done while looking after baby. E.g. cook while they feed themselves lunch. I know not all babies are into this

I’m not sure anyone else can help you with this! It’s really a heart issue isn’t it - deciding how involved to be and how much to do. Only you guys can work that out and I imagine the system you have in place would actually lead to arguments when one person wasn’t doing x, y or z on their day. I’m a SAHM to 3 kids but my hubs still changes nappies or does bath times when he’s around, he never says this or that is my job. I don’t think it’s as black and white as you’re making it. All the best working things out!

Monday DH does bath and bed routine while you cook tea. (Gives you a change if not a break) gives him time with baby.

God. No. How naive…😂

Haven't read whole thread. But this is so weird. Do you both actually enjoy being a parent? It sounds like you'd both rather do anything else. I wouldn't recommend you have any more!

I think what’s most worried is the ops isn’t saying god this is fucked up. She’s doubling down in terms of equal time off for tneir kid.

It's a bit sad that you are treating your baby like a massive chore to be completed.

It sounds like you're arguing about who has to spend more time with him.

You should be arguing about who gets to do bath time or gets him breakfast not who doesn't. All these little acts of care giving are precious and they don't stay baby's for long.

I appreciate you don't have to love every minute of parenthood and looking after a baby is a hard slog at times but it is weird to have this set up imo.

I think that you are focusing on the minutia. You are responsible for 100% of the time he is at work and you aren't, any time you are both off is split 50:50, including lie ins, night waking, everything.

The "my day, your day" thing seems cold to me - can't you just work together to do what needs to be done and then have time off together?

This was us and everyone we know, nappy needs changing, i shall do it, no I will.

this pair are arguing as neither wishes to care for their child, and Both trying to argue the other should , and there is a baby in this mix , a little child whose parents are arguing that neither should care for their baby more than 5o 50.

I guess rhere isn’t a test before you procreate…

My husband works full time, me part time. We’ve never had ‘a day to ourselves’ as such but rather if one of us feels the need some friend time/gym time etc we do. Although saying that he plays golf half a day Saturday and I tend to see my fri nd on a Thursday. Family time is a priority to us on a weekend.
With regards splitting things. We’ve never had a routine as such but we both almost now not verbally communicate because we know each other inside out to decide how we feel as to who do what with bedtimes/bathrooms etc.

Will you guys be having another child? Sounds miserable to be honest.

and it’s not you, it’s your husband so I can see how and why all this started. It appears that he will be a passenger in your family life if you didn’t have all this strict routines.

Your posts are making me feel sad OP.
This is your child, a life you have both created and brought into the world. A member of your family!
This sounds very transactional and keeping tally on what you both do for your child. It doesn't sound like a very happy household.

My husband works full time and I work part time (x3 shifts 1 week and x2 shifts the next week= 30 hours) so even though I'm only working 7.5 hours less than full time I do the bulk of the childcare and housework as I have more days off.

We never keep tally on who is cooking (depends on my shifts, what meals we are making etc as we each have our own meals we like to make). If I'm at work I can't do bed time/ cook dinner but if I'm off it just depends on what is happening re who does what.
If we're both off and one of us is exhausted we give each other a lie in. Then the rest of the day we are a tag team. We give each other 'me' time whether it's seeing friends/exercising but that just depends on shifts.

I think you both need to discuss what you want for your family not just what you want individually

I’ve got a headache just trying to work out who does what on what day from what you’ve said! Having kids is hard but you’re making it ten times harder. Act like a team and life should be ok

I agree - it’s odd