To ask you to tell me how I should split childcare with DH! We can't agree!!!

[Questionnn]

DH and I are in disagreement over a fair way to divide child caring responsibilities between us, so would like to ask you wise MNs how you would divide it if this was in your household?

Dh has a 'big job' and I have just returned from mat leave to a PT role, previously worked FT.

Dh and I split weekends so each gets a day - one of us Saturday and one of us Sunday. On 'our day' at weekend, we are not responsible for the baby eg feeds, nappy changes etc and have the opportunity of a lay in etc.

On Dhs 'day' he chooses to get up early to go to a hobby he could do at a different time but likes to miss the traffic so leaves house at 7.30am. I don't have any hobbies so on my 'day' choose a lay in or to leave house early with him to take baby out for the morning so we are back in time for baby's lunch and nap. I will also do a bit of housework and cook dinner.

Can you tell me who you think should do

1. bath and bedtime
2. night time wakings
3. sorting baby in the morning

for each day...

Monday- DH works from home 9-6. I am at home all day with baby.

Tuesday and Wednesday - DH is at work, leaves for train 6.20am and gets back 7pm. He doesn't see baby at all.
I get baby up and sort us both, do nursery drop before going to work, then collect baby. One week I have short shifts so have about 2 hours to myself to do housework etc each day, one week I work all day. I do bath and bedtime.

Thursday - DH is at work, leaves for train 6.20am and gets back 7pm. He doesn't see baby at all. I am at home all day with baby, do bath and bedtime.

Friday - DH works from home 8-5/9-6. DH drops baby to nursery for 8am, comes home and picks baby up from nursery after he finishes wfh. I have to leave at 8am for work and get home around baby's bath and bedtime.

Weekends we each get a day off.

We have teenagers and it's been full on since they were about 8 and 6 with various activities. We both do whatever is required to get them where they need to be etc. Being a family is about mucking in.

I think your set up is great actually. It's so important, in the early days especially, to have a clear understanding between you of who does what. I think it helps avoid one taking advantage of another and reduces resentment.

But I think you're maybe taking it a little to the extreme?

The way we do it (3 young kids so more child load than you);

My husband works full time and I work PT.

On my days off, I do everything. On the days I work, we split it. One does the morning school and nursery run, the other does the afternoon runs. One gets the younger child ready whilst another does the other two. Who ever is ready first goes down to sort breakfast whilst the other brushes teeth and brings down school bags.

So we split responsibilities but much more granula. This works for us as it means we have each other for support and can get on with our days.

If you work PT, you'll have to do more childcare. But that doesn't mean your husband shouldn't help when he's around.

It makes me wonder why you had a baby - neither of you seem to want to spend any time with him, or even time with each other for that matter.

If you spend time together as a family, when do you get a rest? The only way you get a rest is if your spouse takes the child away and leaves you alone.

Surprise, kids are different! My friend’s baby was a joy, so smiley and sweet. She would sit happily in her pushchair and just look around or play gently with a toy. She didn’t really cry a lot, and she slept a good amount so her mum got a rest.

My baby, on the other hand, was a burden. Never smiled. Never slept (I was exhausted). Never sat quietly. Cried constantly for no obvious reason. Wanted to be held and entertained all the time. I wasn’t even allowed to have a drink or a meal in peace, DH and I had to eat separately while the other one held the baby.

Guess which one of us had nice family days, and which one argued with their spouse about whose turn it was to look after the baby so the other person could rest?

I feel really sad reading this.

I know you’ve said it’s not the case, but reading this the first question that popped into my head was “did these people not want a child?”. It’s all so tit-for-tat and seems like you’re both looking to use the baby as opportunities for oneupmanship and to nag each other.

Why do you (both) feel the need to be regimented? Surely you (both) take pleasure from being with your baby?

Weirdest set up ever for the weekend!?

what about time as a family? It sounds like neither of you want to spend time with your kid

our kids are 3 years and 3 months
we just both do whatever is needed for both our kids - swapping as needed. And we do tons of day trips and always try to have couple time in the evening

and if I want to get my hair done or see a friend I can - and he can go to the gym. We don’t keep score! It’s just an odd set up with you and you seem to be doing a lot of it

Op can you not see what’s wrong with this? You’re eve posting on mumsnet as you can’t agree and both trying to get the other to Care for your child like it’s their turn to clean the bathroom.

you write “It just means the other person isn't expected to feed the baby, settle them for their nap etc. So on dh day off, we both know it's for me to take baby up to bed, sort their lunch out and so on, so we both aren't 'on'’

why would you not wish to be on. It’s called family life. I feel sorry for your kid. Because when they get older they will see this and understand you’re both arguing about not doing more than you each perceive as your fair share of the chore of caring for your child.

and it’s not the baby. It’s your baby.

Can you buy in more help?

Raising children inevitably falls more onto one person then the other, especially if one person is working full time.

Maybe get more help to accept this reality then trying to rota for everything. You can't plan and calculate for every waking minute. What if DH ends up in hospital on his day does he have his missed day added onto the calendar to make up?

What a buzzard post. Assumed until halfway through that you had split. Spend time as a family. You shouldn’t really need rules!

I think the main aim should be that you both get the same amount of relaxation time. If that’s the case then your set up sounds fine.

It sounds like an exDH the way you talk about childcare duties. Can you not both muck in if you are both about. What about one of you having a morning off each instead of a full day?

Whoever gets Saturdays is going to luck out once the kids parties start!!! Every Saturday a party. I think it is too ridged and you will come unstuck once you have activities to take dc to. You need to be more flexible and me time will be difficult to get in but not impossible. The person on shift on Saturday could end up doing so much more with dc and the person on a Sunday w miss out on seeing dc do these things.

I get where OP is coming from. Sometimes when you've become a bit embedded in a 'discussion', putting some basic groundwork in place like this takes that away. You start there, and generally that then gives to a middle ground you both end up comfortably in where both of you are happy.

It's not a stupid way to address things.

People aren't going to bother reading your other replies as you can tell by some of the responses

I think he should bath baby on some of the days he's wfh

It's really not fair that he uses his free day at the weekend to disappear into another room where as yours is pent having family time

Maybe just the mornings at the weekend to have on your own time , afternoons to be spent as a family with whoever rest day it is to do naps/feeding bath bed etc

@newwings I agree with you.

How old is your baby OP? Are you struggling.... even if your DH wasn't helping much I've still never known anything like this.

It reads as though you and your DH don't realise life has NOW CHANGED. How many hours do you work OP?

I don’t think it’s weird to split things up. We did something similar and I’m the only one of my friends who isn’t (as a mum) the 100% default parent.
Obviously our children never were left without something they needed and we would support and take over if one of us was unwell, but it did stop us falling out or me doing everything whilst trying to work.

I agree. I think it's rare for "let's all pitch in" to result in anything approaching an equal division

If your DH doesn’t see baby 2 days a week I think it’s pretty poor that he then has a day off at the weekend too. DH used to do as much as he could with DS especially if he had to work long hours during the week

Wtf he doesn't interact by absenting himself are you serious? Everyone gets stressed at work he should have thought about that before having a family....don't you get stressed at work or home. He's playing the my job is important game lzzy F

Good grief - this doesn’t sound like a family, more like a working contract, with the baby as the ‘task’ to be achieved.

Did you even want this baby? It seems like neither of you can wait to foist it onto the other parent, as well as nit-picking over every little division of baby-related labour. When do you have time together as a family, without one or the other of you being completely checked out from baby?

Call me old fashioned, but I personally think that as you're part time AND (this matters more when the baby is under 1 I'd say) the mum, the lions share should be yours.

Personally, I see a marriage that is doomed to fail. Too clinical, too much determinedness to not do more than the other person, non-existent family time.

Do you even like each other?

Yes this is why we started doing an 'on' parent at weekends so we each could have 50/50 down time at weekends.

Thankyou to those who've offered suggestions for how it could possibly be split fairly. I've been having a look over your ideas.

Tbf to husband he does do housework and laundry. I do the detailed housework like when the grout is turning black in the shower or there's thick dust on the shelves etc he'd never get round to it so his one hour of work is my 2 or 3! He does cook 3 nights a week too and i do 4.

But as he has the 'big' job and 'works hard' for his salary 🤨 it makes me think my lesser wage and hours mean in his eyes, i have less stress than him and my life is so easy with my 'days off'. In some ways i do see his point, but my pt job is still a managerial role and i find looking after a baby far harder than going into the office. And if looking after a baby is as easy as he implies, why doesn't he do more of it at the weekend then? 😄

His contention is lay ins. He feels that as he doesn't get a lay in on his weekend day as he chooses to be up and out early he should get one on the Monday instead. This annoys me as i feel he should want to see his dc on Monday before not seeing them for 3 days straight. So i suggested we split Monday mornings so every other week one of us gets a lay in/peaceful cup of coffee.

I guess i feel like as i do everything 3 days a week as he has to be in the office, and we are 50/50 at weekends, the Monday would be nice if he did the baby's breakfast so i can have my morning coffee in peace and bath time as I'll be doing everything baby related the rest of the day while he works from home. But maybe iabu and i should do the mornings as like he says, he then gets no time that day then until baby is in bed.

In terms of cooking it's been me doing Tuesday to Thursday as I'm the one already at home and a weekend day . He does Monday's, Fridays and Saturdays. I think i would begrudge doing the cooking 6 days a week - Monday to Friday AND a weekend night too.

But i agree with posters that it isn't ideal if you are keeping track of who's done what, but unfortunately it's his makeup and just how he is in this area, so i either become petty and do like for like or i over compensate and do loads so he can't accuse me of not doing enough.