To ask you to tell me how I should split childcare with DH! We can't agree!!!

[Questionnn]

DH and I are in disagreement over a fair way to divide child caring responsibilities between us, so would like to ask you wise MNs how you would divide it if this was in your household?

Dh has a 'big job' and I have just returned from mat leave to a PT role, previously worked FT.

Dh and I split weekends so each gets a day - one of us Saturday and one of us Sunday. On 'our day' at weekend, we are not responsible for the baby eg feeds, nappy changes etc and have the opportunity of a lay in etc.

On Dhs 'day' he chooses to get up early to go to a hobby he could do at a different time but likes to miss the traffic so leaves house at 7.30am. I don't have any hobbies so on my 'day' choose a lay in or to leave house early with him to take baby out for the morning so we are back in time for baby's lunch and nap. I will also do a bit of housework and cook dinner.

Can you tell me who you think should do

1. bath and bedtime
2. night time wakings
3. sorting baby in the morning

for each day...

Monday- DH works from home 9-6. I am at home all day with baby.

Tuesday and Wednesday - DH is at work, leaves for train 6.20am and gets back 7pm. He doesn't see baby at all.
I get baby up and sort us both, do nursery drop before going to work, then collect baby. One week I have short shifts so have about 2 hours to myself to do housework etc each day, one week I work all day. I do bath and bedtime.

Thursday - DH is at work, leaves for train 6.20am and gets back 7pm. He doesn't see baby at all. I am at home all day with baby, do bath and bedtime.

Friday - DH works from home 8-5/9-6. DH drops baby to nursery for 8am, comes home and picks baby up from nursery after he finishes wfh. I have to leave at 8am for work and get home around baby's bath and bedtime.

Weekends we each get a day off.

This set-up wouldn't have worked for me at all, and sounds a bit unusual. For us, weekends are family time when both parents look after the baby / kids. Obviously if you find a different set-up that works for you, that's fine, but I'm not sure this really is working.

DH and I always took the approach that there’s no point in us both being miserable and tired. If we take turns looking after the baby separately then we both get a rest. If we look after the baby together then nobody gets a rest.

If I had to choose this seems the most sensible tbh but the whole thing seems kinda bonkers to me.

I mean just as an example - Monday is your day bc you've been at home all day while he's working but what if he's been sat in meetings all day while you've had a shit day (baby teething or something idk) you'd think in a marriage you'd both just work it out as you go so everyone feels supported and nobody feels hard done by. I can't imagine going through life raising a family like this...

And if you're right, what exactly would be the point in staying in a relationship with such a useless man? Maybe some of us can't imagine doing so, hence the question.

It kind of sounds like neither of you really like being parents? Don’t you just muddle along together? Why does it need to be so rigid? I’m wondering if he is shirking his responsibilities and so you are trying to even things up with more structure. But, I couldn’t just do nothing for my child all day on principle. How do you think that would affect him/her?

Because often you’re worse off by leaving! At least if you stay you get the benefit of his full wages, plus he does at least some childcare on a regular basis, and you have the freedom to pop out and leave the kids with him. Whereas if you leave he’ll only have the kids every other weekend, and will only pay maintenance.

And if you're right, what exactly would be the point in staying in a relationship with such a useless man?

I'm not sure I'd jump to LTB, but there definitely needs to be a serious conversation about there being two parents in the home.

Childcare isn't a chore to be divvied up like the bathroom cleaning, it's about two adults seeing the wants and needs of their child and taking care of them. If someone has to have a rota of when to bathe their child, they aren't likely to step in and do the non necessary (but still important) socialisation, the reading, the playing, going for a walk. If one of the parents in that family isn't doing that, then yes, maybe the relationship is ultimately doomed and getting out before resentment sets in is a good idea.

In our relationship I did morning stuff and my husband did bedtime stuff, mainly because at first he was away early and I worked later. That pattern just continued even though our working patterns changed over time, but we never sat down and said "your turn". That would be unthinkable.

Yeah, this. I opened the thread expecting it to be about organising co parenting childcare after a separation tbh.

Whatever happened to people wanting to care for their babies? Enjoying it and not looking at it as a chore? I feel sorry for this child.

To answer a few people asking about refusing to do baby stuff on 'our' day - obviously if baby's nappy needs sorting etc it gets done 😄

I put it as very black/white so as not to make my post too long.

It just means the other person isn't expected to feed the baby, settle them for their nap etc. So on dh day off, we both know it's for me to take baby up to bed, sort their lunch out and so on, so we both aren't 'on'.

With regards to family time, we normally do that on my weekend day off, on dh day off he would do something if i suggested it and organised it, but him actually suggesting and doing doesn't really happen. He feels he is very stressed at work so likes to be able to just go into another room and not really interact with us 🙄

He feels he is very stressed at work so likes to be able to just go into another room and not really interact with us

This doesn't bode well. At all. Don't have another child with this man.

Yes it is very transactional.

This is because previously if it was done just as and when, dh felt like at weekends he was doing everything (in his opinion). And then he'd list everything he had done vs me and it became exhausting arguing the toss over who had done more.

I bet he bloody does, not really an option as a parent though.
Hes not coming out very well here OP

This did make me laugh! Yes, we both love our baby massively and dh is amazing with the baby when with them.

I find this all really odd , all the taking it in turns like the baby is a chore rather than a wanted child .

I couldn't get my head around that. But I have a simpler rule to suggest. Equal time off.

Time spent not working, commuting, sleeping (up to 8 hours a night), or doing chores and stuff for the family. That time should be equal.

You can do what you like with it. Spend it alone, or with family, asleep, or awake, at home, or out and about. Much easier to keep track of, especially when it is so scarce!

This just seems odd, I was with my babies all day, there was always 1 night at least that DH was still at work for their bedtime so literally any other bed times he could do then he would, I would usually sort dinner when he was doing that. Weekends, one lay in each then just did whatever needed doing between us. I'd be extremely pissed off if DH listed everything he'd done. He'd tend to do more baby stuff at weekends as he didn't get the day times with them though the week.

Wow, what an awful generalisation.
Stay in an unhappy marriage to use the man’s money, because you assume if you do split up he’ll only bother once a fortnight and pay the bare minimum?

It must be tiring being so negative and bitter.

How odd....never heard anything so strange.
Whoever is home helps and does childcare while other cooks or vice versa next day....everyone sits down together once baby is sorted for couple time or own time. Weekends get chores done together if one has to go out or has hobby they spend a few hours doing it once home all family together. If you need a lay in say I need one so tomorrow I'll have a lay in....sitting on backside while other adult runs around is just odd.

With regards to family time, we normally do that on my weekend day off, on dh day off he would do something if i suggested it and organised it, but him actually suggesting and doing doesn't really happen. He feels he is very stressed at work so likes to be able to just go into another room and not really interact with us 🙄

So his time off is for him, but your time off is for everyone.

I haven't read your post in full, but I would do:

One weekend morning off each - fully off, no baby stuff.

Weekend afternoons together as a family. By all means take a day each to shoulder the burden of cooking etc.

Alternate overnights.

This sounds like a joyless existence

On 'our day' at weekend, we are not responsible for the baby eg feeds, nappy changes etc

What a depressing way to live.

Do you not want to actually spend any time together as a family?

My god..

Do not have any more children. It gets worse as they grow up when you have a husband like yours. His day off is his, your day off is family day. He is already showing that he is unwilling to give up his time and hobbies.

When your child is older and has their own hobbies, clubs, parties, friends, play dates, we all know it will be you doing all of that because he is just so busy and important and his time is hit whilst your time is for everyone else.

Really, read posts on here from women with a husband like yours when their kids are 8/9/10. You will see your future. You are better off having no more kids.

Yup. And my life is much, much happier this way. Much more fulfilling. I’m so glad I didn’t stay with someone for money.