To ask you to tell me how I should split childcare with DH! We can't agree!!!

[Questionnn]

DH and I are in disagreement over a fair way to divide child caring responsibilities between us, so would like to ask you wise MNs how you would divide it if this was in your household?

Dh has a 'big job' and I have just returned from mat leave to a PT role, previously worked FT.

Dh and I split weekends so each gets a day - one of us Saturday and one of us Sunday. On 'our day' at weekend, we are not responsible for the baby eg feeds, nappy changes etc and have the opportunity of a lay in etc.

On Dhs 'day' he chooses to get up early to go to a hobby he could do at a different time but likes to miss the traffic so leaves house at 7.30am. I don't have any hobbies so on my 'day' choose a lay in or to leave house early with him to take baby out for the morning so we are back in time for baby's lunch and nap. I will also do a bit of housework and cook dinner.

Can you tell me who you think should do

1. bath and bedtime
2. night time wakings
3. sorting baby in the morning

for each day...

Monday- DH works from home 9-6. I am at home all day with baby.

Tuesday and Wednesday - DH is at work, leaves for train 6.20am and gets back 7pm. He doesn't see baby at all.
I get baby up and sort us both, do nursery drop before going to work, then collect baby. One week I have short shifts so have about 2 hours to myself to do housework etc each day, one week I work all day. I do bath and bedtime.

Thursday - DH is at work, leaves for train 6.20am and gets back 7pm. He doesn't see baby at all. I am at home all day with baby, do bath and bedtime.

Friday - DH works from home 8-5/9-6. DH drops baby to nursery for 8am, comes home and picks baby up from nursery after he finishes wfh. I have to leave at 8am for work and get home around baby's bath and bedtime.

Weekends we each get a day off.

Do you both do timesheets as well? Don’t forget the regular appraisals and 360 feedback either.

This all sounds quite sad and depressing to me.

Don't get me wrong, parents need a break and time to themselves but insisting on, and scheduling a day off from your family every week is not normal.

A baby is hard work but it isn't a job. What impact do you think this approach will have on your baby as she becomes more aware?

so i either become petty and do like for like or i over compensate and do loads so he can't accuse me of not doing enough.

He would actually do that? Accuse you of not doing enough? If this is true, run for the hills. Good grief.

He has an entire weekend day off to himself. if he chooses not to have his lie on on his day, that's his problem, not yours.

At first I thought you meant you are separated and were working out child arrangements. I agree it's far too regimented. Have a few things in place like a lie in and time for hobbies but rest of it sounds ridiculous.

How old is the baby? This all seems like an arrangement that is going to need to evolve over time anyway. They're presumably not a toddler yet, and toddlers don't really give anyone in their vicinity "time off" unless that person fully leaves the house or locks themselves away.

And are you intending to try to have a second. Because no shade on people with "just one" and all children are different and can have varying needs and levels of demandingness - but two adults to one small child can seem like a luxurious amount of time and energy to allocate to that child, compared to when there's a baby plus toddler or toddler plus preschooler to be dealt with. If you have an 18 month old and a 4 year old, basically no one gets any time to just chill by themselves unless the other person heroically takes them both out by themselves and then likely comes back pretty shattered after an hour or two. Or hallelujah for childcare.

DB and SIL have this kind of arrangement, it’s weird. They also won’t even give up/bend their routine if they are at someone else’s house, or if we go to theirs so no-one ever goes

Who does the baby want?!

you’ve not got long before baby is talking and asking questions to you both!

we jokingly split the care - I did the “ins” and DH did the “outs”.
I fed them he changed nappies - obviously only when we were together or one of us weren’t doing something else!

but it meant if I was cooking, he can changed nappies! & our dinner didn’t get burnt.

he generally did baths as I cooked then for us when they were babies and then I help settle them whilst dinner “kept warm” and we ate once they were settled.

we worked together rather than designated time slots!!

I think it's pretty common for both mums and dads to feel they are "doing everything" when home with the baby, even if the workload is surgically shared 50-50. Statistically, studies show mums usually do more with the kids, even when dads think they are doing more.

Your current strategy is... probably not going to backfire, even though it seems very transactional. On the other hand, the lack of family time, his preference to be alone on his downtime, and his desire to draw unshakeable boundaries around his downtime makes me uneasy. Being a parent means that sometimes you don't get downtime, maybe even for weeks or months on end (e.g. if your kid gets a succession of bugs or, God forbid, a serious ongoing illness). It depends on what your children need. My experience is that when a man is transactional about what he'll give to the family, what it means in practice is that when the kids need more than the "contractual" amount that is in the agreement between the spouses, that either the mum gives the extra or the kid doesn't get.

I also think it's a bit worrying when someone does not want to spend downtime with their spouse, especially if there's a big earnings differential. It suggests you're just there to be functional and support his career goals, your presence as a person is not what's important about you. Your spouse should WANT to spend their time with you, it should not be a sacrifice but something they find to be a benefit to themselves. If being with you is just another chore from which they need a scheduled break (of a full day...), that suggests that you are vulnerable to being left, and since you earn less than him, that means you could also be vulnerable financially.

If you are just using your downtime to lounge around at home, maybe you could change that and go out and do something you like. If you can't find something you like to do, then maybe your contract (🙄) needs to be changed a bit so that you have free time during days when you can do something you like or that you need to do.

I also think you both ought to kiss goodbye to lie-ins for the next 12 years at least !!!
not realistic in my experience! 😂

Bizarre. How does that work? You suggest getting together and they say 'nope, that's my day off'?

But i agree with posters that it isn't ideal if you are keeping track of who's done what, but unfortunately it's his makeup and just how he is in this area

im not going to lie. As much as you’re blaming him, it’s clear you’re the driving force and seem to be railing against having to do child care on the days your off and he’s not, you even want him to do the mornings so you can have another lie in.

I don’t really get the sense it’s him. I get the sense it’s you.

i either become petty and do like for like or i over compensate and do loads so he can't accuse me of not doing enough.

Start keeping timesheets to present at your next appraisal. We are talking about your boss, aren't we?

This all sounds a bit rigid. If one of you is sick for a few days, does the other get the corresponding number of days off at a later date?!

I think the fair way to do it is free time balancing. Me and DH both work full time from home, compressed to 4.5 days each, we each have the kids half a day while the other works, so only 4 days of nursery. I do most of the childcare, partly because one is still breastfed. DH does almost all food prep (obviously not my breakfast or lunch), washing up, cleaning etc. We both try to aim for equal-ish downtime when the kids are asleep. But with us both working full time, weekends are family time, plus chores etc which we share out. Shopping trips we work around park visits for example.

My kids broke me and I now cannot lie in / sleep past 7am. Even if I’m in a hotel miles from them!

It's not supposed to be this hard.

What a weird setup. We had children together and share everything, we don't have this weird "it's not my day/turn" you sound more like a divorced couple trying to work out contact days. In our house if one person has to do something or wants a lie in, they do that, we don't need to write it on the calendar and fight over who has done more/less. Don't you ever just spend time together as a family? I had children because I wanted to be a family and enjoy our time together as a family, it's maybe twee but that's what we do.

I’m exhausted reading it - I have never lived like this so cannot advise. Do whatever you want. I was unaware that life could be divided up like this.

It needs to be more fluid as the child gets older otherwise they will be aware of the chore they make for you both.

You have quiet a bit of free time, you could change Monday to your day off , taking your baby to childcare, and go out that day, then make it that you both get a lie in one day at the weekend but you have a family day, where you get up.by 11 on that weekend and all go out.

I’m with the other posters who think it sounds nuts. You can probably just about get away with this nonsense with a baby but soon that baby will develop its own mind and will not care one bit about your plans. If you have another child, the chances are you’ll both need to be on. For a period during the early years weekends were harder work than the working week.

But the family time is on her day off not his. And he wants to go off to another room and not interact with him

Thanks everyone, i know we sound nutty to a lot of you on here in regards to the weekend 😄😄

The disagreements are definitely due to the sleep deprivation we are both suffering. Baby is 10 months and will still wake through the night several days a week so if we were getting a good nights sleep, i think we would be far better at compromising!

In terms to the toddler years, yes definitely this will all change, but for the next few months, this is how it is.

How much time does he actually spend with the baby?

You sound like separated parents sharing custody while still living together. At least you are both getting good practice for post divorce.

There is no right or wrong when you have your own weird set up. At some point your child will be old enough to see you aren't a team and it is M vs D and child will be caught in the middle of this weird arrangement.

I'd suggest you stick with just one child! Another one would make all these rules untenable.