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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to tell me how I should split childcare with DH! We can't agree!!!

179 replies

Questionnn · 27/03/2023 12:57

DH and I are in disagreement over a fair way to divide child caring responsibilities between us, so would like to ask you wise MNs how you would divide it if this was in your household?

Dh has a 'big job' and I have just returned from mat leave to a PT role, previously worked FT.

Dh and I split weekends so each gets a day - one of us Saturday and one of us Sunday. On 'our day' at weekend, we are not responsible for the baby eg feeds, nappy changes etc and have the opportunity of a lay in etc.

On Dhs 'day' he chooses to get up early to go to a hobby he could do at a different time but likes to miss the traffic so leaves house at 7.30am. I don't have any hobbies so on my 'day' choose a lay in or to leave house early with him to take baby out for the morning so we are back in time for baby's lunch and nap. I will also do a bit of housework and cook dinner.

Can you tell me who you think should do

  1. bath and bedtime
  2. night time wakings
  3. sorting baby in the morning

for each day...

Monday- DH works from home 9-6. I am at home all day with baby.

Tuesday and Wednesday - DH is at work, leaves for train 6.20am and gets back 7pm. He doesn't see baby at all.
I get baby up and sort us both, do nursery drop before going to work, then collect baby. One week I have short shifts so have about 2 hours to myself to do housework etc each day, one week I work all day. I do bath and bedtime.

Thursday - DH is at work, leaves for train 6.20am and gets back 7pm. He doesn't see baby at all. I am at home all day with baby, do bath and bedtime.

Friday - DH works from home 8-5/9-6. DH drops baby to nursery for 8am, comes home and picks baby up from nursery after he finishes wfh. I have to leave at 8am for work and get home around baby's bath and bedtime.

Weekends we each get a day off.

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 27/03/2023 13:24

Maybe the child could let you know l. You sound like you both need a lot of supervision.

Coffeellama · 27/03/2023 13:25

Sounds like you are separated and arguing about coparenting rather than a married couple, especially with the weekend thing every weekend. If you are then arguing thinking the other should be doing more with the baby that’s even more miserable, poor baby that nobody wants to be around on the weekends so you have to take turns having time away.

FiveHundredDucksWentOutOneDay · 27/03/2023 13:27

This is bizarre. Genuinely. You can't schedule to this extent.

amidsummernightsdream · 27/03/2023 13:27

Very strange way of splitting things, so not sure where to begin answering your question
We go out as a family at the weekend, or plan a few hours where we do our own thing.
We each have a lie in one day at the weekend.
We alternate bath and bed times.
We do everything 50/50 when we are not working and always try to support each other as well as our little one as much as possible. That means doing more some days when the other one is feeling tired/ in need of a break but we dont track it.

DH works full time, I work 3 days.

Daffodilsandbeer · 27/03/2023 13:28

Wow that’s really weird. You treat caring for your kid like a chore. Like hoovering or dusting.

I get a lie in each but past that I cannot get my head round how you both are fighting not to spend more time caring for your child than you individually need to.

BernadetteIsMySister · 27/03/2023 13:28

Do you both hate parenthood? It seems like you're both constantly waiting to 'log off' and just pass the chore of parenting back and forth between you like a hot potato.

Sugarfree23 · 27/03/2023 13:29

Op where is your family time?

Our house tends to be very fluid, LO needs a bath and dishwasher needs emptied (Or other household job) Who's doing what?

DH is normally up before me, so weekend is often, DH moaning 'you get him I got up first yesterday'

Lazyladydaisy · 27/03/2023 13:30

I'm assuming you feel that more is falling to you because of your new part time working status...I feel the same way and it can be a bit annoying.
However, I just can't grasp the 'your day, my day' thing. You're a family...a team. You should be wanting to spend time together.
Even if it works for you now, it won't when your child is older...a two year old won't understand 'Sorry, its not my day!'

Snorlaxing · 27/03/2023 13:30

I think that the current system will fall apart as the baby becomes a toddler. You can't say "It's Sunday so Daddy will make you breakfast" when your child has a preference for you to do it.

Ex and I had a lie in each which meant breakfast and entertaining the child quietly but apart from that it was all hands on deck.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2023 13:30

Sorry, but your marriage sounds miserable. It sounds like you're creating a work rota for employees, not enjoying and coping with family life as a couple.

Gincan · 27/03/2023 13:30

Similar to pp, we just muddle along in no set pattern....if DP has to get up early for a train then I sort DC, if I've been working late and am tired then DP will sort them in the morning. If he has a lay in at the weekend the he'll make up for it by watching them for a couple of hours so I can go out or whatever.

Can't you just take it as it comes?

riotlady · 27/03/2023 13:32

This sounds like a really miserable way to live tbh.

mynameiscalypso · 27/03/2023 13:33

We're another family that just makes it up as we go along. We don't have set times or days and generally do whatever works best on a day to day basis. At the moment, I do more of the childcare because DH is extremely busy at work and that's fine. A couple of weeks ago, I was away on a business trip so DH had to to everything. It all evens out because neither of us are twats.

Jackiebrambles · 27/03/2023 13:33

This is so weird! I too wonder if you are trying to regiment this because when left ‘loose’ he didn’t do enough?

Bear in mind that a lot of kids only want mum if you are anywhere in the vicinity. Mine still do. So you saying ‘No it’s not my day to get you a snack, ask daddy’ is unlikely to work!’.

Wnikat · 27/03/2023 13:35

I know the baby years are tough but I never considered bath and bedtime a chore. Not until I had the second one. Don’t either of you like being parents?

Theelephantinthecastle · 27/03/2023 13:36

As I understood it, you are doing everything child related on 3 weekdays plus one weekend day, so I think your DH doing drop off and pick up on the Friday and also bedtime on Monday and one weekend day seems about right. It's less than you but you are part time

Night wakings should be 50:50, in my view.

gamerchick · 27/03/2023 13:36

BernadetteIsMySister · 27/03/2023 13:28

Do you both hate parenthood? It seems like you're both constantly waiting to 'log off' and just pass the chore of parenting back and forth between you like a hot potato.

I kind of got that impression. Pretty sure it's just to make it "fair', its just coming across as a bit weird.

LaughingSomnambulist · 27/03/2023 13:38

What a bizarre way to live. You need to break it down this far and have assigned days where you will refuse to get involved if it isn’t your day. This isn’t a family. I don’t know what you are but you’re not a family.

If you need to be this transactional then you’re not suited. It shouldn’t need to be like this to ensure both of you do your share.

Lcb123 · 27/03/2023 13:41

seems a weird set up for parents who are together. Fair enough each gets a lie in at the weekend (or chose to go out for a hobby), but it reads like you both just want time on your own with out each other or baby! Just organise it as you go, surely it changes weekly with different plans

Snorlaxing · 27/03/2023 13:42

Some of those jobs can be done by 2 people or the other does something cleaning related while the other does childcare. For example if your h eats breakfast with baby then you can get showered and changed then take over so he can go up to his work room.
Similarly the person not doing bath and bed could clean the kitchen or one parent does bath and the other bed.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 27/03/2023 13:46

Can't you have your day off when your dh is in the office (or he changes his wfh day, that way your dh can do a drop off or pick up when he's wfh.

Dh does drop off and pick up when wft
You do drop off and pick up when dh is in the office

Bedtime and bath, dh does it when he's wfh and you do when he's in the office

So that's

Dh 2 days of drop off and collection, bed and bath
OP 3 days of drop off and collection, bed and bath

You both get the option of a lie in or hobby in the weekend, outside of hobby or lie in you both do 50/50

Boonata · 27/03/2023 13:48

Your situation reminds me of a married couple I knew who on an evening out for a meal, the husband would lend the wife 50p so she could have a dessert as she was short of cash that night; the money being repaid to him later.

Couldn't argue it wasn't fair but what a miserable couple they were. Still married after 35 years but both as sour faced as they come.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/03/2023 13:49

Golly that sounds rigid. What about a bit of flexibility, some mucking in, and some family time? You should be doing more baby/house stuff as you are PT to his FT, but you both actually sound really anti-parenting in general. Or are you trying to be structured because he wouldn’t step up otherwise?

GiltEdges · 27/03/2023 13:53

Agree with a PP, it's all very transactional. I don't know any other couples with DC who take a day each at the weekends to the extreme you do. Alternating lie ins maybe, although personally I don't subscribe to this either.

Why not just go ahead and split properly, then you'll each get alone time when your DC is with the other parent? No complicated calculations over what's fair on any given day.

Tarantellah · 27/03/2023 13:54

On the days you don’t work, you should look after the baby during the day. On the days you do work, the baby goes to nursery. All mornings and evenings and weekends should be split 50/50.

And for the posters asking why things need to be so rigid, it’s probably because the DH is a lazy twat who doesn’t do his share in a more natural arrangement. The only way for mum to have her fair share of rest and not end up doing everything is to be firm about what days and times are Dad’s responsibility.