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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think there’s a difference between a husband and a partner?

295 replies

YaWeeFurryBastard · 27/03/2023 07:47

Obviously we all know that legally there’s a difference! But do you feel there’s a difference in commitment/ a social difference?

For me, I felt a difference once we mere married and a greater sense of “permanence” and security, but I know others feel no difference at all!

YABU - no difference between the two except the legals
YANBU - a husband is a more committed relationship than a partner

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 27/03/2023 07:50

Depends on the relationship

AHelpfulHand · 27/03/2023 07:51

You’ll get those not married voting YABU, and those married voting YANBU.

I felt different towards dh when we got married.

RudsyFarmer · 27/03/2023 07:52

For us no but I’ll accept for others it will be yes.

Chilloutsnow · 27/03/2023 07:52

Yes. My friends with “partners” are the ones who have kids with them but living in their house.

Blort · 27/03/2023 07:55

It was a big difference to me.

coodawoodashooda · 27/03/2023 07:56

Fluffodils · 27/03/2023 07:50

Depends on the relationship

This.

PuttingDownRoots · 27/03/2023 07:57

I think joint mortgages and children are bigger commitments than a wedding certificate.

Been married 12.5years.

WildAloofRebel · 27/03/2023 07:57

Those who haven’t got married won’t have anything to compare having a partner to. So no point asking really. I definitely felt a more united front once married.

yogaretreat · 27/03/2023 07:58

I was with partner 12 years before we married. It is nice saying my husband but we don't feel especially different, but the reaction of others is more serious to husband than partner. So it's more society for us rather than our individual feelings.

WildAloofRebel · 27/03/2023 07:58

PuttingDownRoots · 27/03/2023 07:57

I think joint mortgages and children are bigger commitments than a wedding certificate.

Been married 12.5years.

Kind of, but people are always saying ‘you’re tied to your baby daddy for 18 years!’. Hopefully a marriage will last far longer than that.

CindersAgain · 27/03/2023 07:58

I don’t think I felt any different.

Snowjokes · 27/03/2023 07:59

Depends on the relationship. Some people with partners have had “the talk” and are fully as committed as if they were married. Some people just seem to drift in to a very long term relationship without really thinking about it - those I don’t think are quite the same.

Annoyingnamechangerperson · 27/03/2023 08:05

For me the only difference is the legal side of things and the protection that offers

I was married and I’m now divorced
My brother has been in a LTR for 20 years and they’ve never married, own a house and have kids

I don’t think being married makes the relationship more solid

In fact after being married and divorced I think I’m not at a point in my life and career where I wouldn’t marry again.
I worked part time then became a SAHM while married. I built a career before I met exdh let it slide and had to start from scratch to build it again with two young children in tow and no support .

As a decent wage earner now I wouldn’t want to marry in order to protect my assets in the result of relationship breakdown.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/03/2023 08:08

In my life experience my husband was a bit shit, my DP is fabulous.

FluffyMochi · 27/03/2023 08:11

Yes. There is a difference. You're married to a husband. You're not married to a partner.

Improbablecat · 27/03/2023 08:12

Depends on the relationship. We've been together over 20 years, longer than any of our married friends (most of whom we introduced to each other!), have all the boring sensible stuff like mirror wills, PoA, joint life insurance. Our properties are jointly owned. So no difference personally and people often assume we're married anyway. But for a much shorter relationship with fewer joint responsibilities I can see why marriage represents more of a commitment.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 27/03/2023 08:12

Before marriage we had been together for 11 years (since we were teens) definitely felt different when we got married. (Been together in total 20years and married for 9)
As sense of permanence is one of them.
I also don't like it when people ask if I am his partner. Because I am his wife, I am his next of kin, he is the other half of me, we made lifelong promises. More than a partner!
We wanted marriage before children as well not just so we would all have the same name.
The legal side of marriage is a big thing as well.

mynameiscalypso · 27/03/2023 08:12

PuttingDownRoots · 27/03/2023 07:57

I think joint mortgages and children are bigger commitments than a wedding certificate.

Been married 12.5years.

This. Being married makes very little difference to me other than referring to DH as my 'husband' in conversation with other people rather than my 'partner'

MissTrip82 · 27/03/2023 08:13

It was different for me but that’s because marriage has cultural and religious significance to me. I imagine for people who don’t feel that way about marriage, living in a partnership can feel like an equal commitment.

Sapphire387 · 27/03/2023 08:13

Tbh I don't really understand why people wouldn't get married if they're 'committed' enough to buy a house and have children together. Why not give yourself the additional legal protection in that instance? People always think it doesn't matter until... it matters.

Yes, I think making a legal commitment does make a social difference in terms of how couples are viewed, by many people.

LlamaFace19 · 27/03/2023 08:16

Not really, but then again we had kids before we married (although we're married now). I think having children together is a much bigger commitment than getting married.

DeflatedAgain · 27/03/2023 08:17

I naturally expected more support from DH once married.

We have a 3MO and I have no problem asking for support with baths, a day off etc. He has no choice in the matter 🤣 I don't think I would of felt so expecting/forceful of it if we wasn't married.

(Of course I know he should be helping either way 😜).

malificent7 · 27/03/2023 08:18

Well on mumsnet people are a bit sneery about partners and boyfriends and assume you are not in a "real " relationship but give great importance to the husband even if he is a dick.

Meanwhile in the real world....

SquidwardBound · 27/03/2023 08:19

I would actually frame the difference in another way.

The problem, IME, has been that having a husband does not mean that you have a partner. For me the sense of permanence and security comes, not from the legal contract, but from the behaviour and attitude of the man.

A marriage certificate won’t make you feel safe and secure if the man you’re married to is behaving in a way that shows he doesn’t really care about you or your well-being. Where he’s showing that he will not consider your needs and will make choices based on what’s easiest for him even knowing it will cause you harm.

It actually feels even worse when that same man insists that the marriage certificate of somehow proof that he’s committed to the relationship.

Theres no point having a husband if he’s not a partner. Properly.

SpecialControlGroup · 27/03/2023 08:20

I found zero difference here, apart from getting a new ring to wear!