Do you think there’s a difference between a husband and a partner?

[YaWeeFurryBastard]

Obviously we all know that legally there’s a difference! But do you feel there’s a difference in commitment/ a social difference?

For me, I felt a difference once we mere married and a greater sense of “permanence” and security, but I know others feel no difference at all!

YABU - no difference between the two except the legals
YANBU - a husband is a more committed relationship than a partner

Having a child creates a much more permanent link than getting married. I remember feeling my heart sink when my unhappily married friend told me she was pregnant. Until she had a child she could have divorced her husband and had a completely clean break, it's not possible to have a clean break once you have a child, they will always be the father of your child (even if they're an absent one - that will remain something you have to deal with).

My husband of 33 years is my equal, my team mate and my best friend. He is certainly not “just someone I’m married to”.

What a stupid comment.

Try reading my whole post. It's not long.

I think the main difference is more of a feeling of security than anything else and the need to be a part of that person and they a part of you - knowing you want to be with them for ever.

I have been with my partner for may years. We talked about getting married but now I am glad we never did since I feel differently about him now. Maybe if we had married I wouldn't feel this way.

Erm, it’s not a stupid comment at all. You’ve misread/interpreted it wrong I’m afraid.

Or, given the class divide, Marriage is seen increasingly about access to assets.

If you're MC, you have children / a LTR without wedlock and there are considerable financial assets, you marry to lay claim to them in the event of the relationship breaking down or their death. If you're wc and the asset is a sole car worth £300, it's less of an issue.

You're misinterpreting what was written

A husband is by definition someone you married. He may not enact with you an equal partnership in terms of commitment and action. So he may be a husband, but not much of a partner with his lazy-arse attitude, affairs, abuse etc. This is many people on MN married to feckless idiots.

A husband is by definition someone you married. He should enact with you an equal partnership in terms of commitment and action. So he may be a husband but also a decent 'partner' in his behaviour. This is you and your husband and the ideal.

The father of my children went NC with me, because I had the audacity to leave him after he cheated several times. And I mean, total grey rock NC. Which I find ridiculous.

To be fair I think that charge can just as easily be levelled at partners.

There are as many different types of "husband" or "partner" as there are husbands or partners. I don't think being married automatically makes your relationship more solid or your emotional bond stronger, it just means it's harder to get out so the bar for leaving is much higher. And that's either good or bad depending on whether you hold the financial cards in the relationship.

It certainly does act as a big disincentive to leaving or divorce but it won't stop someone having an affair or being lazy and not pulling their weight at home or whatever the dealbreaking offence might be.

I think people just need to be really clear-eyed about this. Marriage is usually a good idea if you earn less or are planning to stop work. It's usually a bad idea if you are independently wealthy or wealthier than your partner. It's as simple and transactional as that. The involvement of vague concepts about "commitment" and "romance" are hugely unhelpful because they cloud judgement. And for generations women have been sold a load of absolute nonsense, overlaid with outdated moral concepts, which makes it really hard to cut through all this.

People are wrong to say marriage is a "piece of paper" from a legal standpoint of course, as is routinely pointed out on here, it's a big, important contract. But there is a grain of truth in it in the sense that being married won't in itself make a bad relationship better or persuade a cheat to stop cheating.

depends. Colleague has been seeing someone for a couple of months and refers to them as 'partner', they aren't even that serious.
I think that's dumb, she thinks saying she has a boyfriend at age 50 is dumb.

It honestly depends on the couple.

I have never wanted to be married. My parents were and are married but growing up I was raised to not feel like I needed that to "complete me", not settling for someone (someone like a lot of husbands you read about on here) to get a wedding, not relying on another person financially.

I know I will be with my partner forever. He would get married if I said I wanted that, I just don't feel that I need it. We both have great careers, we both contribute equally, we parent as a team. I didn't cut down my hours after maternity leave and continued to pay the same into my (excellent) pension scheme.

We are obsessed with each other, I like that our children will see how much we love each other and how we choose to be together. Every day we put our relationship at the top of the priority list. Sometimes I don't know how we found each other.

I honestly do not feel that I need a legal document to trust that he is stuck with me. I do get it's different for everyone though, I know some people prefer to have the security of a marriage and if you are a SAHM it is very important.

I know lots of couples who are either getting divorced, separated or deeply unhappy together. I also know a few who are happy. We are the only couple who are unmarried of our friends.

If one day he decided to up and leave me, I would be absolutely devastated but financially I would be more than fine. I also wouldn't need to take from his pension later on in life as mine is excellent.

Only found out that DH hangs the loo roll the wrong way after we were married (moved house not long after, wedding, old house didn't have a proper holder) and the annoyance was definitely more intense than pre marriage because I knew I was stuck with him now 😆

Absolutely agree.

I said YABU as husband is a legal term. A good husband should also be your partner. Working with you towards common goals, respecting you, sharing adult life duties.

Most husbands (if MN is representative of the general population) appear to see their wives as subservient. There to ensure husband is not burdened with the realities of adult life and child raising.

We’ve been together 30 years, married for 17 and it made absolutely no difference to our relationship. It was purely for legal reasons and because I wanted to change my name without causing issues in my wider family.

Tbf lots of people 'settle' for a partner especially one they have children with and can't financially detach themselves due to financial co dependency and as a PP pointed out that is more likely with a partner as getting married has statistically become something wealthier people do.

Equally, the description of a DP on this thread is an ideal one, in reality some people refer to their loser boyfriend as a partner for want of a better word! You can equally define a husband in ideal terms but that's not to say all husbands live up to that definition.

I wasn’t convinced it would as by the time we were married we had shared children & big mortgage together already so pretty committed. But yes, I felt different once we were married, quite surprisingly so.

@philautia

I have never wanted to be married. My parents were and are married but growing up I was raised to not feel like I needed that to "complete me", not settling for someone (someone like a lot of husbands you read about on here) to get a wedding, not relying on another person financially.

I agree: I've never had the slightest desire to be married. I did get married earlier in my life mainly for practical reasons and bitterly regretted it (that's a whole other story).

There's no way to avoid the fact that marriage is important if you're planning to stop work and anyone who stops work and has multiple kids with someone without getting married is being silly. But it's also usually a really bad idea for a woman with her own money and that's rarely acknowledged.

I do wish people would stop presenting it as the Holy Grail in relationships as if it was something that magically made everything whole.

Friends of ours were in a long term relationship with young adult children. Both very anti marriage, didn't need or want 'the piece of paper', and are as committed a couple as any I know. After a serious health scare, they decided to marry to 'simplify' things should the worst happen. Both have since said that in spite of everything they'd ever said before, they did feel that it made a difference but not one they could articulate or explain.
Only one example but thought it worth sharing

We’re a team and if we do something we do it properly. Partnership seems abit half arsed to me. Each to their own but that was our take.

The big difference for me was having a kid. Married not married - felt the same and I usually call DH my partner rather than husband. But having a kid meant that I can never just leave and never see DH again. Thats been tough especially as we are no longer happy together

This. A lot of smug marrieds out there! Meanwhile I don’t think the blokes care as much either way & often feel pressured into popping the Q.

The thing is, if you are the wealthier party and you don't marry your dp, then you are saying that on some level you don't quite trust your dp to do right by you in the event of a split - you are protecting your assets and making sure that they can't claim on you. I'm not judging that because it's probably the most sensible thing to do, especially if you have children from a previous relationship whose interests you want to ensure are protected. And there are numerous cases where a wealthy person has married and died and their kids have been totally rinsed by the spouse.
But marriage is saying that you trust this person above all others and you are literally backing that up with all your worldly goods.
And therefore it is more of a commitment.

Apologies, read your post wrong. Of course a husband is someone you are married to. But you could equally say that a partner is just someone you share a home with/are dating/have been on a few dates with. It seems to fall into all those definitions.