Page 3 | Do you think there’s a difference between a husband and a partner?

YaWeeFurryBastard · 2023-03-27T06:47:38+00:00

Obviously we all know that legally there’s a difference! But do you feel there’s a difference in commitment/ a social difference? For me, I felt a difference once we mere married and a greater sense of “permanence” and security, but I know others feel no difference at all! YABU - no difference between the two except the legals YANBU - a husband is a more committed relationship than a partner

multivac · 27/03/2023 09:01

ThatFraggle · 27/03/2023 08:31

We don't live in a vacuum.

We live in a society where marriage has a cultural meaning. A meaning imparted over thousands of years.

Yes, expectations change with generations. We no longer expect to have to stay married to an abusive person.

But the one thing which remains the same is that marriage is a declaration to the whole world that: this is my person. This is my person who I choose.

It's not an ambiguous situation where Bill could be a lodger or houseshare person, or person who gives good orgasms and who you'll keep around until something better comes along.

You've made it clear to everyone that you BOTH choose to travel through life together.

This is very funny. I've been with my 'Bill' for over three decades now. I've lost count of the number of weddings we've been to where the couples are now divorced; in several cases, we were also at the first weddings. Seems to me it's more like 'this is my person... for the time being'.

SquidwardBound · 27/03/2023 09:03

Children are a bigger commitment though… because, while you can divorce someone, walk away and never look back, you are stuck trying to parent your children with someone forever. The ways in which that encroaches in your life change over time but you never really escape it entirely.

Marriage is a different thing. The fact deathbed wedding happen because IHT tax is badly designed is more an indication of the problems of IHT than the commitment of marriage.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2023 09:08

I'm married, married 18 months after meeting and before kids. My Mom was with her late partner 30+ years unmarried, shared a child and 3 decades.

I wouldn't be so conceited as to think that my marriage is somehow superior to her relationship. The only thing I have is legality which is why they quietly married in their 60s.

However people use partner to mean genuine committed relationship and dude I've been seeing 3 months twice a week cos I'm too old for a bf so I take it with a pinch of salt on here without actual context.

ComeOnNumber100 · 27/03/2023 09:09

At what point does a boyfriend/girlfriend become a partner legally? If you’re not living together but have been together for 5 years are they your partner? If you meet someone on Monday, take them for a drink on Tuesday, you’re making love on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and chilled on Sunday are they your partner?

Billydaffodil · 27/03/2023 09:10

ComeOnNumber100 · 27/03/2023 09:09

At what point does a boyfriend/girlfriend become a partner legally? If you’re not living together but have been together for 5 years are they your partner? If you meet someone on Monday, take them for a drink on Tuesday, you’re making love on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and chilled on Sunday are they your partner?

I'm just waiting to see what Craig thinks...

minipie · 27/03/2023 09:11

Depends why they are partner not husband.

If it’s a genuine mutual decision not to marry, and you have made a lifelong commitment to each other just without getting married … yes that would seem equally serious/committed to marriage (still legally very different of course)

If you wanted to get married and they didn’t want to… that is rather different and wouldn’t seem as committed. At all.

Tohaveandtohold · 27/03/2023 09:11

There was a massive difference for me personally because I’m a Christian and come from a family who still has traditional values. My parents were married till my dad died and DH’s parents are still happily married for over 40 years as well.

DH and I were dating for 3 years and didn’t live together, have kids etc before getting married so yes, marriage meant a transition for me.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2023 09:13

2chocolateoranges · 27/03/2023 08:30

I don’t, a house can easily be sold and I know of a few people who have walked away from their children and have nothing to do with them.

these days it’s harder to get a divorce.

as for the original question, some people see no difference , for us there was a huge difference as we got married quite young and both still lived at home before we got married. So being married was a huge step for us, each to their own,

Show quote history

But it's easier to walk away from a wife / husband than it is kids so your logic doesn't work. Someone who's willing to abandon their kids and never see them again isn't going to stay married because it'll takes effort to legally divorce. They just won't marry the next one. They're still legally responsible for the kids. If the ex can trace them for maintenance for the kids, or if the ex dies etc, that legal tie is much stronger.

KimberleyClark · 27/03/2023 09:13

If marriage had a 100% commitment success rate then I might feel differently.

Having children doesn’t have a 100% commitment success rate either.

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 27/03/2023 09:13

For those with “partners”, how do you decide when they move on from boyfriend/girlfriend to “partner”?

I bet some people use the description when talking to others, but don’t actually ask or inform the “partner” first!

I had a boyfriend, a fiancé then a husband. Before him, I was in a LTR for 5 years, living together, but we never referred to each other as “partner”. We were under 30 though, maybe it’s quite soon after that age that it starts to feel a bit childish to say “girlfriend”?

For me, the ceremony of standing up and declaring our union to our guests (about 60) was vitally important. My husband never behaved in any way to make me doubt him but I always worried that maybe I was more sure than he was (a hangover from the previous LTR when I thought he was going to propose and he dumped me instead). So I breathed a huge sigh of relief when he stood up and committed publically.

Coldilox · 27/03/2023 09:18

Getting married (or civil partnership as it was then) didn’t make me feel anything was different in our relationship. We had already made a lifelong commitment to each other, we already felt permanent. Possibly because when we were first together we couldn’t marry/have any legal recognition. It didn’t mean we weren’t forever though.

when we had our civil partnership (later upgraded to marriage) it was to give us the legal protections it came with, and to share our happiness with our loved ones. It wasn’t any extra commitment. We already had it.

DivineAffliction · 27/03/2023 09:18

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 27/03/2023 09:13

For those with “partners”, how do you decide when they move on from boyfriend/girlfriend to “partner”?

I bet some people use the description when talking to others, but don’t actually ask or inform the “partner” first!

I had a boyfriend, a fiancé then a husband. Before him, I was in a LTR for 5 years, living together, but we never referred to each other as “partner”. We were under 30 though, maybe it’s quite soon after that age that it starts to feel a bit childish to say “girlfriend”?

For me, the ceremony of standing up and declaring our union to our guests (about 60) was vitally important. My husband never behaved in any way to make me doubt him but I always worried that maybe I was more sure than he was (a hangover from the previous LTR when I thought he was going to propose and he dumped me instead). So I breathed a huge sigh of relief when he stood up and committed publically.

I think when we’d moved countries together several times and had spent periods supporting one another financially while one of us was studying, it was pretty clear we’d moved past the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ stage. It was never anything I gave much thought to.

But surely a glance at the divorce stats is enough to convince anyone that marriage is no indication of permanent or fail safe commitment?

KimberleyClark · 27/03/2023 09:21

But surely a glance at the divorce stats is enough to convince anyone that marriage is no indication of permanent or fail safe commitment?

Nobody is saying it is. But people are arguing that having children together is more of an indication of permanent or fail safe commitment and that quite obviously isn’t true either.

GneissWork · 27/03/2023 09:24

I don’t see any difference.

My partner and I live as husband and wife. We have been together for our whole adult life; everything we own is a completely joint asset and we have both got equal rights to our property, so it would be sold and split evenly in event of a split; and we would both have enough equity to put down a deposit elsewhere.

We are both named as beneficiaries on each others pensions and wills.

We have a LPA in place allowing us to make medical and financial decisions for each other.

The only thing we aren’t entitled to is a really small tax free allowance; and inheritance tax breaks - however our assets are under the threshold at this point; and we live in a very low cost of living area, so we would likely never be liable for that anyway.

Although we aren’t married; when we were younger we were going to. We are engaged, and have been for 7 years. However, there was always a different priority - like buying our house, travel, kids, and it continually fell back. And then I realised we were getting married for others, not for us. Over time this has evolved, and now we are actively avoiding marriage due to the misogynistic origins.

Gincan · 27/03/2023 09:24

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 27/03/2023 09:13

For those with “partners”, how do you decide when they move on from boyfriend/girlfriend to “partner”?

I bet some people use the description when talking to others, but don’t actually ask or inform the “partner” first!

I had a boyfriend, a fiancé then a husband. Before him, I was in a LTR for 5 years, living together, but we never referred to each other as “partner”. We were under 30 though, maybe it’s quite soon after that age that it starts to feel a bit childish to say “girlfriend”?

For me, the ceremony of standing up and declaring our union to our guests (about 60) was vitally important. My husband never behaved in any way to make me doubt him but I always worried that maybe I was more sure than he was (a hangover from the previous LTR when I thought he was going to propose and he dumped me instead). So I breathed a huge sigh of relief when he stood up and committed publically.

I can't really remember to be honest, some time in our late 20s I think? We'd probably been together 10 years ish and "Boyfriend" just started to feel a bit silly. I didn't feel the need to ask him first, I thought it was fairly obvious we were serious by that point!

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 27/03/2023 09:26

DivineAffliction · 27/03/2023 09:18

I think when we’d moved countries together several times and had spent periods supporting one another financially while one of us was studying, it was pretty clear we’d moved past the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ stage. It was never anything I gave much thought to.

But surely a glance at the divorce stats is enough to convince anyone that marriage is no indication of permanent or fail safe commitment?

Show quote history

There is no such thing as a permanent or fail safe commitment. But it’s reassuring to know that you are on the same page at the same time.

Artemi · 27/03/2023 09:28

Think it depends on the relationship.
I did feel significantly different towards my husband once we were married- but we were young, not together that long, didn't have kids or own a house, so it WAS a "big" step in terms of commitment.

I can definitely see the other side, where if you've been together 10 years and share kids you're basically married in all but name, and getting married (or not) is just a formality

Personal opinion regarding people that I know , if people are clearly life partners (long time together, shared finances/responsibilities) then I don't make any distinction in my mind whether or not they are legally married.
But there is a slightly confusing grey area where people use the word "partner" to mean "boyfriend that I live with" so for a young couple without obvious other commitments to eachother (eg children) I do admit that if they are married I take them more seriously as a permanent couple than if not (which I admit is biased because I don't necessarily know the ins and outs of their relationship)

Basically there are many ways of being committed as a couple - marriage is definitely one of them, but it's not the only thing that can bind a couple together

Daffodilsandbeer · 27/03/2023 09:28

PuttingDownRoots · 27/03/2023 07:57

I think joint mortgages and children are bigger commitments than a wedding certificate.

Been married 12.5years.

Neither a joint mortgage or a child is a commitment to the other. People can easily co parent and of course a joint mortgage just means you own half each.

marriage is a very much bigger commitment to each other that for many is highly complex to unravel

GneissWork · 27/03/2023 09:29

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 27/03/2023 09:13

For those with “partners”, how do you decide when they move on from boyfriend/girlfriend to “partner”?

I bet some people use the description when talking to others, but don’t actually ask or inform the “partner” first!

I had a boyfriend, a fiancé then a husband. Before him, I was in a LTR for 5 years, living together, but we never referred to each other as “partner”. We were under 30 though, maybe it’s quite soon after that age that it starts to feel a bit childish to say “girlfriend”?

For me, the ceremony of standing up and declaring our union to our guests (about 60) was vitally important. My husband never behaved in any way to make me doubt him but I always worried that maybe I was more sure than he was (a hangover from the previous LTR when I thought he was going to propose and he dumped me instead). So I breathed a huge sigh of relief when he stood up and committed publically.

We started using partner when we tied our finances and bought a house together. We had rented together (joint tenancy) prior to this.

To be fair I use boyfriend/fiancé/partner interchangeably and I think he does the same.

Zoopyloo · 27/03/2023 09:31

ThatFraggle · 27/03/2023 08:31

We don't live in a vacuum.

We live in a society where marriage has a cultural meaning. A meaning imparted over thousands of years.

Yes, expectations change with generations. We no longer expect to have to stay married to an abusive person.

But the one thing which remains the same is that marriage is a declaration to the whole world that: this is my person. This is my person who I choose.

It's not an ambiguous situation where Bill could be a lodger or houseshare person, or person who gives good orgasms and who you'll keep around until something better comes along.

You've made it clear to everyone that you BOTH choose to travel through life together.

But why do I need to declare it to ‘the whole world’? I don’t care about sharing things with the whole world, I share it with those important to me and those who are important to me know that we are committed.

Zoopyloo · 27/03/2023 09:33

Daffodilsandbeer · 27/03/2023 09:28

Neither a joint mortgage or a child is a commitment to the other. People can easily co parent and of course a joint mortgage just means you own half each.

marriage is a very much bigger commitment to each other that for many is highly complex to unravel

Show quote history

But it really isn’t a bigger commitment, just look at divorce statistics. People walk away from each other all the time. It’s not this magical thing that keeps people together.

Artemi · 27/03/2023 09:36

minipie · 27/03/2023 09:11

Depends why they are partner not husband.

If it’s a genuine mutual decision not to marry, and you have made a lifelong commitment to each other just without getting married … yes that would seem equally serious/committed to marriage (still legally very different of course)

If you wanted to get married and they didn’t want to… that is rather different and wouldn’t seem as committed. At all.

Yes I agree.

Not married for specific reason but otherwise fully committed life partners = as good as marriage (and I am religious!)

Not married because not committed enough, or too young, or not ready = not equivalent to a spouse imo

RuthTopp · 27/03/2023 09:36

Was married for 15 years to the wrong man. Been with my partner 20 years not married . Have dcs from marriage , we chose not to have kids this relationship.
The years have gone by without getting hitched, but feel 100% commitment on both sides . We keep saying we need to get 2 friends and go and get married , however , for us it is just getting a piece of paper to file away and get on with our lives.

happysingleversary · 27/03/2023 09:37

One is free to break up with, other one you have to pay.

Cadburysucks · 27/03/2023 09:38

Some cultures it’s marriage or nothing and divorce is not an option, unless abused and even then tolerated. I know a few with shaky marriages just to fit in the normal/expected. It’s good that women have options and choices.