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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think there’s a difference between a husband and a partner?

295 replies

YaWeeFurryBastard · 27/03/2023 07:47

Obviously we all know that legally there’s a difference! But do you feel there’s a difference in commitment/ a social difference?

For me, I felt a difference once we mere married and a greater sense of “permanence” and security, but I know others feel no difference at all!

YABU - no difference between the two except the legals
YANBU - a husband is a more committed relationship than a partner

OP posts:
Holuna · 27/03/2023 08:22

We lived together for a month short of five years and have been married for 41 (not a typo); I don’t see him any differently as a partner or a husband so voted YABU.

sst1234 · 27/03/2023 08:22

Yea one is about putting your money where your mouth is, the other getting all the benefits without anybody he risk.

SquidwardBound · 27/03/2023 08:23

Sapphire387 · 27/03/2023 08:13

Tbh I don't really understand why people wouldn't get married if they're 'committed' enough to buy a house and have children together. Why not give yourself the additional legal protection in that instance? People always think it doesn't matter until... it matters.

Yes, I think making a legal commitment does make a social difference in terms of how couples are viewed, by many people.

For some people - some women - getting married doesn’t give additional legal protection; it actually makes them more financially vulnerable.

And they don’t realise this… until it matters.

All because they were told over an over again that they should get married. It will somehow ‘protect’ them. But, actually, if people got the kind of advice they should when entering into any other kind of financial contract, lots of people would be told that it’s most definitely not in their interest to marry.

2chocolateoranges · 27/03/2023 08:30

PuttingDownRoots · 27/03/2023 07:57

I think joint mortgages and children are bigger commitments than a wedding certificate.

Been married 12.5years.

I don’t, a house can easily be sold and I know of a few people who have walked away from their children and have nothing to do with them.

these days it’s harder to get a divorce.

as for the original question, some people see no difference , for us there was a huge difference as we got married quite young and both still lived at home before we got married. So being married was a huge step for us, each to their own,

ThatFraggle · 27/03/2023 08:31

We don't live in a vacuum.

We live in a society where marriage has a cultural meaning. A meaning imparted over thousands of years.

Yes, expectations change with generations. We no longer expect to have to stay married to an abusive person.

But the one thing which remains the same is that marriage is a declaration to the whole world that: this is my person. This is my person who I choose.

It's not an ambiguous situation where Bill could be a lodger or houseshare person, or person who gives good orgasms and who you'll keep around until something better comes along.

You've made it clear to everyone that you BOTH choose to travel through life together.

PinkPatches · 27/03/2023 08:31

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CuriouslyDifferent · 27/03/2023 08:33

I guess for many is finance and security. It is from my perspective.

For me, it’s easier just to hand over some cash to invest it, especially if they are in circumstances where they are giving up something like a home, or career…. Am planning this now, partner is ending her career, we will go sailing for a few years, but she needs financial stability longer term, so I worked out the ‘profit’ for her last ten years of working is about £120k, and I’d rather have her spend that time with me - so I’m giving her that as a nest egg. She won’t need it whilst we are away, she has been my rock for a decade anyway, so even if she left me the day after getting the cash, I still place a huge value on how she helped me in my life, but she is just as much excited about our travels.

Marriage isn’t for me - she is a divorcee with older kids - marriage, it’s just a bit of paper, which could complicate estate matters for us both.

BaseballCrazy · 27/03/2023 08:34

We’ve been together for almost 25 years and never married. We have an adult child and a teen, we’re happy, committed, financially secure etc.

I can’t imagine it would make any difference to us if we were married. We’re very close, he’s my best friend, we’ve been through so much together having been together since we were 19.

BaseballCrazy · 27/03/2023 08:35

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Lol.

GotABeatForYouMama · 27/03/2023 08:36

Sapphire387 · 27/03/2023 08:13

Tbh I don't really understand why people wouldn't get married if they're 'committed' enough to buy a house and have children together. Why not give yourself the additional legal protection in that instance? People always think it doesn't matter until... it matters.

Yes, I think making a legal commitment does make a social difference in terms of how couples are viewed, by many people.

That "legal protection" works both ways. As the higher earner I lost a damn sight ore than he did after the divorce. He walked away with more money than he ever put in. No way am I making that mistake again which is why I'll never marry my DP of 23 years.

GotABeatForYouMama · 27/03/2023 08:36

ore = more.

Zoopyloo · 27/03/2023 08:37

I’ve been with my partner over 20 years. We have 2 children, a joint mortgage and all the other paraphernalia. In regards to our relationship and commitment then no, marriage wouldn’t make a difference. We may go down the marriage route for legal reasons but it wouldn’t be to show we are committed.

Gamerlady · 27/03/2023 08:40

21 years together and no marriage.. ( happy as we are ) we would not feel any differently having a certificate.. we share everything else together .. share children.. a mortgage .. we are a team

Zoopyloo · 27/03/2023 08:41

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Of course you can be committed without being married! We committed to each other emotionally, we have children, we have a mortgage and share a life together. Just because we haven’t stood in front of an official and said ‘I do’ means nothing in the commitment stakes. I’ve seen plenty of people get married and then divorced as they haven’t shown commitment 🙄

CheeseMunchies · 27/03/2023 08:41

The only difference was how we were treated by others. I was with my husband 14 years before we got married. I was invited to a wedding once which only gave plus ones to people married so my (at the time) boyfriend of 12 years wasn't invited but people who had been with their husbands only a few years were. It's almost as if our relationship wasn't seen as serious because we didn't have a piece of paper or that they felt our relationship wasn't as strong.

KimberleyClark · 27/03/2023 08:42

All those saying children are a bigger commitment than marriage - if you are not married, if you hadn’t had children would you have stayed with your partner?

Zoopyloo · 27/03/2023 08:47

KimberleyClark · 27/03/2023 08:42

All those saying children are a bigger commitment than marriage - if you are not married, if you hadn’t had children would you have stayed with your partner?

Yes, our children didn’t mean we stayed together just like getting married wouldn’t have meant we would stay together. We would have stayed together as we love each other and made a commitment

GotABeatForYouMama · 27/03/2023 08:49

KimberleyClark · 27/03/2023 08:42

All those saying children are a bigger commitment than marriage - if you are not married, if you hadn’t had children would you have stayed with your partner?

Me and DP have no children and as I mentioned upthread we've been together for 23 years. I was married to ExH for 18 months (after being together for 9 years), and we had a child , so in my case at least, it would seem that for some people (ExH), neither having a child or being married = commitment.

Zoopyloo · 27/03/2023 08:49

KimberleyClark · 27/03/2023 08:42

All those saying children are a bigger commitment than marriage - if you are not married, if you hadn’t had children would you have stayed with your partner?

And just to point out, we are the only one in our group of friends and also our families who are still together and they were all married.

BaseballCrazy · 27/03/2023 08:50

KimberleyClark · 27/03/2023 08:42

All those saying children are a bigger commitment than marriage - if you are not married, if you hadn’t had children would you have stayed with your partner?

We stay together because we’re happy together, so yes, presuming we’d have been happy without children. We’ve never even come close to splitting up.

DivineAffliction · 27/03/2023 08:53

Nope. We were together for 21 years before we married, only married for a practical reason, and didn’t tell people for years — in fact we met an old friend recently who had no idea we were married. It has made no difference to us, other than facilitating a visa at one point. If you asked me if we were married, I’d have to think before answering.

TheaBrandt · 27/03/2023 08:54

Long term not marrieds check out your iht position if your estate is above £325k. You get hit for tax on the first death. That’s the reason for deathbed weddings…

Gincan · 27/03/2023 08:59

Marriages end all the time, they are no more permanent than an unmarried relationship. Its purely symbolic in that sense (ignoring the legal implications)

Me and my partner are not married. We have been together 20 years and have kids. I am financially better off than him, I own most of our house and have it legally protected and am also the named beneficiary on his pension and life insurance should he pop his clogs. I wouldn't have any claim to his pension if we split obviously but I'm not sure what else I'm missing out on.

Billydaffodil · 27/03/2023 09:00

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Well, it depends on your idea of 'commitment' really.

Me and my partner consider bringing new life into the world together a much bigger and more serious commitment than complying to an ultimately religious idea created by a patriarchal society to determine how committed we are to each other. (Of course each to their own and neither is right or wrong.)

If marriage had a 100% commitment success rate then I might feel differently.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/03/2023 09:01

No difference here. Got married because it made sense financially, our commitment didn't magically change on our wedding day.

We don't wear rings and we kept our own names. Nothing really changed.