Do you think there’s a difference between a husband and a partner?

[YaWeeFurryBastard]

Obviously we all know that legally there’s a difference! But do you feel there’s a difference in commitment/ a social difference?

For me, I felt a difference once we mere married and a greater sense of “permanence” and security, but I know others feel no difference at all!

YABU - no difference between the two except the legals
YANBU - a husband is a more committed relationship than a partner

This. A same sex couple could buy a house, have a child together, spend decades together but up until 2005 according to some on this thread it wasn't a really committed relationship, just some ambiguous situation where Bill could be a lodger or houseshare person, or person who gives good orgasms and who you'll keep around until something better comes along.

Of course everyone now has legal access to marriage but that doesn't mean those relationships have only been proper committed relationships since then.

I found that moving in together made me feel differently rather than subsequently getting married

Not sure, I think it would have felt the same either way. But it’s convenient to be married - paperwork, tax etc. We have no intention of splitting up so marriage makes sense for us.

It depends if the unmarried partners have had a specific conversation and both said they are committed to the other permanently.

Marriage is an active decision. Having a long term partner, even with a mortgage and kids can be drifted into over the years, with there never having been that agreement to always be together…..although that conversation might have happened.

A key question is if both feel totally secure. Quite often there is one person who would like to get married. There is a difference for them.

I never met anyone i wanted to commit to even with 2 children. I left him and then 5 years later met the love of my life. We married in 2020, very simple ceremony.

Best thing I ever did. I have peace of mind and security knowing that I am his "the one" and he is mine.

We are kin and yes, that feels different than just being partners. I hate that term anyway.

We kept our own last names too.

Sorry I worded that badly I meant being married circumvents a bunch of issues and both of us are happy to be married, it’s convenient. I’m not saying people who aren’t married are planning to split up 🤦🏽‍♀️.

You think the legal paperwork is harder to unravel than the genetics of a child? Of course people can coparent together. But that still requires you to be in a relationship of a different type. You can walk out on your husband tomorrow, ignore and paperwork for a divorce, and move on if you don't have kids.

Judging by much of Mumsnet content the two are not necessarily the same and the lucky few have both in one person

My partner of 20 years is now legally my partner, as we had a civil partnership a few months ago.
The main difference is he will get more of my money if we ever split up.

People can only say for themselves though, so I think it's unanswerable.

We both felt different once we were married.

Marriage has increasingly become something the middle classes do and working classes are less likely to. That’s supported statistically. It is a significantly growing divide.

Therefore, in groups where people tend to get married, marriage is seen as a level of commitment above having a partner. It’s seen as the natural step and that if someone doesn’t do it with their long term partner, perhaps there is a reason for this. However, everyone’s in these groups will also know those in very committed relationships who aren’t married too.

In groups where marriage is much less common these days, above a certain age, and beyond a certain number of years in a relationship, it might be similar, as marriage just isn’t the norm.

In some groups, people refer to someone as their partner after a few weeks. Some people move in together after a couple of weeks. There has been no commitment to the long term, understandably.

A good question, is when does a non-married relationship transition to permanence? Is there a typical length of time? Is it a conscious decision or can it occur without a conversation?

Fir a number of people, typically women, they would like their long term relationship to now have marriage, but their partner is more reluctant. For those women, it really does feel different and matters.

It can't be that hard to get a divorce, nearly everyone I know has one.

I think it's hugely different to men, and those who are not married can suitably downplay the importance of the partnership to different women while keeping an eye out for someone who they ultimately want to marry (even if it never happens). Of course not all men are like that etc etc, but quite a few are.

We use partner/bf/gf interchangeably but only use those terms rarely anyway. To anyone that we know, when talking about the other, we use our names obviously. I don’t think either of us put much thought into our ‘titles’ for each other. It’s just not important is it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We don’t really care what anyone else thinks, clearly many people on this thread have hang ups about this, but it’s just not how we are.

Other people’s opinions have never been important to us, neither of us have anything to prove to others. I’ve never doubted that he was fully committed to me, that’s through his actions and treatment of me.

YANBU. I was with DH ten years before we married, and after we got married I noticed quite a quick shift in his behaviour, away from “I’m so lucky to have such a great girlfriend” and towards “My wife should do this…”

He definitely got more lazy around the house too and rarely wanted to go out. Kinda “I’m married now so why bother” vibe.

I once had a conversation with FP’s niece and she was lamenting how hard marriage was and I would obviously not understand as I’m not married. She had been married for 6 months and had been with him 18 months beforehand. I just burst out laughing, at that point we had been together 18 years, supported each other through thick and thin, had children and built a whole life together. We are woven together in so many ways. The niece was only married a further 5 months and hasn’t seen her ‘amazing’ husband since

😂😂😂

Yeah, the mortgage and three children definitely weren’t commitments, mate.

Getting married made no difference whatsoever except to our legal status.

I believe there's a difference.

But then again, I actually believe in the promise 'for better, for worse' etc. Not everyone does.

I think it depends. For me with my partner it offers me no advantage to get married. I earn more, own a greater stake in the property and want to keep my own name. He wants me to take his name, but marrying him offers me no security or advantage.
yes you may say I am less committed as I am not prepared to lay everything on the line for him- but I just see marriage as a financial risk, one that I am not prepared (and see no reason to take)

For us; the transition happened gradually and was discussed at each stage.

The first step was booking an (expensive!) holiday 6 months in advance. So we discussed whether we could foresee us splitting in that time.

Then, we took on a joint tenancy on a property, and we discussed that neither of us could afford bills alone; so we had to commit to living together for the 6m tenancy even if we split.

We then opened a joint bank account to cover bills and discussed the implications of that. Both of our whole wages were paid and we completely pooled our finances from then on.

We then bought a house together and drew up legal documents like our will, named each other on our pensions, etc.

Then we decided to have kids and discussed that.

We did get engaged in the midst of it all somewhere.

I don't see that having children is any more of a commitment than marriage. Parents of both sexes can and do walk out all the time. My aunt left my uncle with four children under ten and never bothered seeing them or him again.

Been married 33 years this year. Weren’t able to have children but are very happy together and so much shared history.

We may not be married but we have shown each other we are together ‘for better or for worse’. As you say, that meaning is lost to some. I only know a few people who are still married long term. Most of the people in my life have got divorced and many of those hadn’t been married for very long.

It matters significantly; especially in death.

So many people in "partnerships" don't consider that one day they could just drop dead and their partner could be left homeless, penniless and with no say in how the funeral is planned etc.

Being married automatically transfers rights to the widow.

You can be with someone 20 years, have a home and a life insurance policy, but not be married.

One of you drops dead and suddenly the deceased estranged family members are organising a funeral they never would have wanted, moving you out of your home as you have no rights to it, cashing in the life insurance policy (as they were named on it decades ago) burying the body in an undisclosed location, so you can't even visit.

I have seen people go through all of these things, none of which would have happened if they'd spent £100 at the registrar's office getting married.

Essentially without that piece of paper (or alternative very lengthy legal documents) you are just seen as someone that the deceased spent time with; a real kick in the teeth on top of grief.

So what?

As for anecdotes, in my personal experience I know more married couples who have stayed together than unmarried live-in partners. That's the thing about anecdotes. They aren't data.