Do you think there’s a difference between a husband and a partner?

[YaWeeFurryBastard]

Obviously we all know that legally there’s a difference! But do you feel there’s a difference in commitment/ a social difference?

For me, I felt a difference once we mere married and a greater sense of “permanence” and security, but I know others feel no difference at all!

YABU - no difference between the two except the legals
YANBU - a husband is a more committed relationship than a partner

Marriage is putting your money where your mouth is. No matter how much you love someone or feel committed to them, there's nothing legally tying you together, there are no financial or legal repercussions of being together or not. Whether people in long term relationships want to admit it or not, marriage is a bigger commitment because it's a legally binding contract.
That's not to say that marriage will definitely last longer or that the relationship between the couple is intrinsically better/more loving.

I agree with a pp that the word partner covers too big a variation in the relationship - a relationship that's lasted 20 years is more of a partnership than where a couple have been dating for 3 months but feel silly saying 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend'! But both could equally use the word partner with no differentiation.

I'm also mindful of those relationships we all know about where a couple are together for donkey's years, not married (usually cos he's dragging his feet), they both claim it's just a piece of paper, that they are fully committed, split up and 2 years later he's married and having a baby with someone else!

Having been together almost 25 years, we’ve had many ‘worse’ times. I’ve been very ill, as was one of our children, our other child has autism. Family illnesses, bereavements, tragic events....you don’t only survive them and support each other through them if you’re married. That’s such an odd way to think.

Obviously a partner is different to a husband

Partner is an ambiguous term. Some people use it after 6 months, others several years. If someone talks to me about their partner I have literally no idea as to the level of commitment

A long term relationship with similar financial arrangements to a marriage would be equivalent to a husband. But equally a partner could be someone you've lived with a year.

For me I did feel differently towards Dh after we got married. He is my family now and I feel confident that he wants to spend his life with me. I guess we could have had similar conversations and not got married, but given it was important to me I would question his commitment if he hadn't wanted to.

I think in terms of the "great job offer in Singapore" test (insert other desirable but distant location as required).

Imagine you've had a fabulous permanent job offer on the other side of the world but you knew your OH wouldn't be able to join you for a very good reason. The majority of married people would say "damn" and turn the job down immediately. Many cohabitees would also turn it down, after taking a varying amount of time to think about it. But a far larger proportion of unmarried cohabitees would take the job offer and ditch the partner. Some cohabitees have made a commitment which they intend to be lifelong, but many haven't, and that's fine.

I get really upset on here when someone is has lived with somebody for many many years and you just know they are going to be completely screwed once that relationship ends. That wouldn't happen in the same way if they were married.

Done both. There is a massive difference. Apart from the obvious legal & commitment bit - for me there was a real palpable sense togetherness and belonging.

I don't think being married is a silver bullet that guarantees greater emotional commitment or support, if that's what you're asking.

Marriage is an insurance policy which protects the financially weaker partner in the union (usually the woman). So in practical terms it makes it much much harder for the man to leave her up shit creek. Which is a good thing for the financially weaker partner. And it makes the whole thing seem more solid, until it isn't. Whether you think this is a good thing or not depends on whether you are the financially weaker partner. I have always been the breadwinner in all my relationships so marriage for me would be something to avoid like the plague but I can see that if you are planning to stop work for any length of time it's a sensible backstop.

Lots of people will be along to tell you they "felt different" or "knew we had commitment" or the "relationship felt deeper" when they were married. I personally think that's largely a combination of social norms and confirmation bias. But if it makes people feel better all power to them.

You do have to get your financial affairs in order. We own a few properties, both our names on them and our other assets. We share money and have equal savings in our own names. Both have good pensions.

That depends on who has children (there's a rise in single dads), who the property belongs to, who is the higher earner etc. Being married to a high earner and living in a house/area that you couldn't possibly afford if you split, is as trapping as being a SAHM who isn't married, often more so. My DD has lived with her partner for 20 years, he owns a house he rents out, but is in debt. They live in her house. He's a better Uncle to my GC, then the married men are to their biological children on threads on here. He's often had sole care of them since they were around 12 months and takes them out by himself and is financially generous towards them.
@BadForBusiness you forgot the married men who just expect the family to be uprooted and the threads we've read were they don't care how miserable and isolated their wives are.
Marriage doesn't make a man more caring, willing to compromise, faithful, a better father etc etc.

Yes, it’s more costly to divorce than it is to separate from a partner. I also think having a partner rather than a spouse protects your own assets eg pension , your savings etc. After 22 years, our relationship has outlived most marriages I know.

My friend was in this situation. She was with the guy for 25 years and had two kids to him, but it was “his” house. When he died he left it to “his” kids. Not to his partner of 25 years, who ended up homeless. The kids couldn’t afford to act as her landlords and pay tax etc so she could stay in their house as a tenant.

Please, explain to me how I will be screwed when my relationship ends. I’m all ears.

I think your scenario would depend more on if the couple had children or not rather than their marital status tbh.

Oh I have bothered, so please go ahead. Since my relationship breakdown is going to make the pp “really upset”

I wouldn't be screwed if my relationship ended. I have a lot more money and support than my partner does. Would be mentally screwed without his help with the kids and housework but that would happen in a divorce too.

It depends entirely on the relationship, doesn't it. Personally I've been with my partner nearly 20 years, I can't imagine when we eventually have to get civilly partnered for tax reasons it will make any difference. We got wills done and made sure our insurance and pensions would benefit each other around 12 years ago, when we started saving to buy a house together.

It does seem slightly mad to suggest that people who aren't married aren't committed. Two of my friends are on their second marriage in the length of time my partner and I have been 'not committed' 😂

Personally I wouldn’t live with and have children with someone, and not have both our names on the house we shared and share finances. That’s just madness. Being honest, he’s unlikely to have been a good partner in other ways. The relationship must have been very poor.

Or people could just make sure they have a will to cover all that .

I'm married, but we were married after our kids were born. To me, that felt like a much stronger connection. Even if he walked out and never saw me or the children again, there's still a bond in the existing children. If we were married and he walked out never to be seen again and there were no children, aside from the legal dissolution my life would be similar to pre-marriage.

TBH I got married for legal reasons and because DH wanted to. I've never felt a strong connection to 'wife' or 'husband'.

I agree with depends on the relationship. My exh was awful my dp is great - together over a decade both divorced, no plans to marry again. I like that it's easy for either of us to walk away, own properties and own finances but we choose to stay, I get that others wouldn't want that.

I thought very seriously about our relationship before moving in with dh 29 years ago. It wasn't a try before you buy decision for me, putting aside the legals, moving in together was as committed a decision as marriage.

We got married 19 years ago, after 10 years of living together, but only because we wanted to get the legals sorted because I was pg.

Quick registry office with a couple of witnesses and it made no difference to any feeling of the "permanence" of our relationship.

A partner is an equal and an ally. You're a team.
A husband is just someone you are married to. They can also be your partner, but not always.

Half the husbands talked about on MN are definitely not partners.

DH & I were together for 13 years & living together for 12 before we got married. I thought it would make no difference at all but it definitely felt different for both of us

Yes made a huge difference to me, I wanted to get married and he was hesitant but appreciated my feelings. I suddenly felt much more equal and more together as a couple, and I like sharing his surname