To say I can't fucking do this

[countingallthseconds]

DH is freelance creative. Competitive industry. Subject to periods of long hours and working away. Then tumbleweed for weeks or months. Then activity again.

Because of the spontaneous nature of his work, the fact that's it's ten times more lucrative than my previous career, and the additional fact that we have an 8yo with considerable additional needs (multiple diagnoses and delays including ASD, attends special school, has a social worker and PA hours) and a younger child I am the one who stays home and does all the domestic stuff. All of it. All the admin for school. Drs. Dentists. After school clubs. Pick ups, drop offs. Dinners. Bed times. All of it. All the time.

That's how DH is able to have his successful career and a family, because I am here doing the drudge work. And I could accept that if DH weren't constantly behind with all his other contracts and has spent the last three weekends frowning at his laptop while I continue to entertain, feed, bathe, clothe, enrich the lives of our kids. He has appalling time management, spending hours paralysed with indecision in the bath or reading about nonsense on the internet followed by intense bursts where nobody is allowed to approach him because he is having his big important creative thoughts.

And next week he starts a two month contract that will take him away from the home for half a week every week. This, again, would be impossible for him if I had a job. He wouldn't be able to pick up any of the slack or childcare because sometimes he might get a call at 9pm saying 'We need you in London tomorrow at 8am' and he has to just go.

AIBU to say 'please no more weekend work'. I can cope with the nature of his work if he doesn't work 365 days a year. But I absolutely need a wingman and someone to talk to at weekends. I am so tired of him sneaking off with his laptop to 'just finish' some work he told me he'd finished a month ago, while I am stuck with the kids. Again.

We are ok for money. We have more than enough. We live modest lives, run one family car and have one cheap uk holiday a year. I have absolutely no expensive hobbies or pursuits because I have no time! He has a moderately expensive hobby, which he somehow manages to fit into his days.

Can you ever convince a person like this to be part of the family?

clearly, if he has to be away for 2-3 days a week working, he can't contribute then, but that's for a short contract - but no reason not to contribute during the fallow periods.

Oh this is exactly my life - my husband is the same with his very intense freelance creative work. I’m really feeling quite alone and depressed this weekend because of it and daydreaming about leaving (I love him so won’t, but really wish he could share family life) Sorry I clearly don’t have any advice but can sympathise greatly!

IMO no. You have the added worry and burden of a disabled child.

DH did nothing when the DC were small. All.subcontracted to me and I didn't mind. I still pick up the domestic load in its entirety. As he gotnmore successful more got subcontracted out re the load.

I went back to work after 7 years and still picked it all up but overall our outputs were the same.

He took one month off a year. (August). The plus side: best schools for the dc, home abroad and in London. Excellent lifestyle and money never an issue. Partly too because neither of us are the last of the big spenders.

Having a disabled child is a f/t job imo. So you have two jobs. He has one.

I have absolutely no expensive hobbies or pursuits because I have no time! He has a moderately expensive hobby, which he somehow manages to fit into his days.

This is the crux of this problem. It's not the work - it's that hr has time to himselfnwhennit suits him - but you get no time off ever.

Time to change this 1 thing. Make him tale the kids for 1 day a month and disappear for that day everytime. Then see how he feels and how you feel... I think things will change one way or the other after that.

Can you afford to employ an admin person or housekeeper?

Maybe he needs to look for a different job, more 9-5 to support you and the kids before you burn out. It's not fair to you that you have to deal with so much alone. Or both look at working part time.

Can you afford some part time child care up to give you some time to yourself?
You appear exhausted and at the end of your tether and your dh needs to be aware of this and take some time to talk with you and decide when he is going to be part of the family again .You need time to be You too,it's not just about him.💐

Your "hobby" can be hiring a cleaner.

I think that is fair.

Have someone come for a few hours a week to take some of the load off.

I think it will be better for your marriage than anything else!

In answer to can you convince him, probably not. If he wanted to, he would.
I was with someone like this. Now I'm single. And yes the burden of caring for several children including a severely disabled one is all on my shoulders, but it always was anyway. And now at least I don't have to wash his pants too. And social services now realise I'm on my own and so I get more PA hours to help.

But even if the OP and her husband could outsource some of the domestic work it would still leave her carrying the most of the mental load. The issue seems to me that he's pretty much checked out of any sort of family life.

Given the nature of his work can be spontaneous both in needing 'thinking time' and taking off suddenly for periods of time then the least he could do is make compromises or changes which would ensure he's at the very least present in family life and do what he can.

Above all else he should improve time management so that he completes his contractual obligations timely and isn't constantly chasing his tail. When I worked freelance I'd budget accordingly which meant I didn't have to take everything going leaving me with enough time for my family. He's able to make time for his hobby after all despite his inability to plan appropriately. All of this is an intentional choice on the husband's part and it need not be.

Sounds like he doesn't want to be involved with the children - they are secondary to his job. Oh, he'll argue that he's doing it all for them but that a smokescreen for that fact that he either doesn't like them or simply hasn't got a clue how to look after them. So he won't go for 50/50 if you divorce...

Sounds like he has ADHD. (I say that as someone whose dh and Ds has it, Ds also has autism, neurodiversity runs in families). However, that isn’t much help to you, just an observation.

You are absolutely not unreasonable to ask that he does more at weekends. He needs better time management but if he does have adhd that’s something of an alien concept. (Been there, got the t shirt).

My DH has a big important job and I have a very easy part time job. So like you I do everything! School runs, life admin, all appointments, housework (although I insisted on a cleaner), shopping, cooking etc. I don't mind this really. I still get more downtime than DH but it is relentless and exhausting.
However, at weekends and holidays etc DH is fully involved in family life. Yes, he does log on now and then if the kids are amused but generally he focuses on the family. Today he's taken the kids out for the day to give me a break. You need support and you need a break. Your DH needs to realise that. He can't let you bear the full burden, particularly when he has long periods without working.

Yea I'd put my foot down, weekend and bank holidays off work. My DH used to do shift work all hours and I loathed it, so did he, so now he's 'normal working hours' it means we get a life - your DH may need to work some weekends but they shouldn't be the norm

Why can't he give you some help and time off during the tumbleweed times? If he refuses to do so "just in case" someone hires him tomorrow, then maybe he's playing you? He's having a fun life of creative work, mental stimulation, hobbies, and time off, while you are doing all the grunt work of managing the family and never getting a break. Sorry but he sounds very, very self-centered.

I am exhausted just reading it! Can you outsource some of your tasks? Cleaner, laundry assistance etc.?

Hi OP I don't have much of an answer really but I have one of these too. Financially we are okay but I do most of the parenting on my own and it is hard hard work, I also wfh. I have thought about leaving but I don't really want to and I know that it would lead to other issues. But it is tough. I pay for cleaners to clean the entire house every two months and I have takeaway delivered once or twice a week to make my life easier so basically I throw money at the problem when I am tired and worn out. I also do a tip run on the regular so I feel on top of things with the house. My oh doesn't seem capable of much of the day to day stuff - eg burns a pizza if he puts it in the oven. It drives me nuts. I go out with girlfriends a few times a month for coffee or lunch and have a moderate online retail therapy habit. But it is exhausting and I feel your pain.

Edit; I know it doesn't help the route of your problem but might be helpful in the short term.

He's "contracted out" of family life and parenting. That's your department while he basically makes no changes to his life.

Sounds like a selfish fuck to me.

With parenthood comes certain responsibilities, and that includes stepping up and doing your share of the grunt work.

Why doesn't he help out more during the periods of inactivity?

Did you know he was like this /his work was like this prior to having kids?

Would he consider getting a normal job?

Why is it ok for him to have a hobby, and presumably time to himself, but not you?

Sounds like you have much bigger issues than just working at weekends

Regardless of what he does you need to get some time to yourself and some help.

I also don't understand why he doesn't help during the periods of inactivity. I don't think it's necessarily fair to ask for no weekend work because sometimes it has to be done - but it's very, very fair to ask for more help generally.

My DH's job is very drop everything and be there at the last minute too and it is HARD. I've been struggling with it a lot recently. But when he's around, he is really, really around. I've been feeling a resentful of his work lately but your post makes me feel bloody lucky. My DH doesn't have any tumbleweed periods - but he contributes a hell of a lot more to family life than your DH. Your current set up doesn't sound fair on you at all.

This. Make it 1 a week during fallow period (or half day). Will make him a better dad and you a better mum.

My natural working patterns (also in creative field) are a lot like this and I realise it’s utterly maddening for the people around me.

However, I’m also a mother to two and a stepmother to one, all of whom have complex needs and I’ve had no trouble prioritising my family and it’s work (and household projects!) that have had to slide.

So while I’m full of sympathy for your DH’s inability to sit his bum down and get on with work until a deadline is looming right over him (might be my projection!) he needs to understand his relationship with time and work a bit better so that you can have some free time and you and the family get some proper attention in the hours he currently spends procrastinating waiting for the deadline urge to kick in.

You need to schedule in what you want to do when he’s not working away and he’ll have to factor that into his day. A bit less fannying about time will probably do him the world of good anyway.

It sounds like he needs a wake up call. I get that he can be busy and away at times but when he is home regardless of whether he is working at home or not - he needs to pick up and run with normal real life. Plenty of people hold down jobs without checking out on home life and he is being very unfair on you