To say I can't fucking do this

[countingallthseconds]

DH is freelance creative. Competitive industry. Subject to periods of long hours and working away. Then tumbleweed for weeks or months. Then activity again.

Because of the spontaneous nature of his work, the fact that's it's ten times more lucrative than my previous career, and the additional fact that we have an 8yo with considerable additional needs (multiple diagnoses and delays including ASD, attends special school, has a social worker and PA hours) and a younger child I am the one who stays home and does all the domestic stuff. All of it. All the admin for school. Drs. Dentists. After school clubs. Pick ups, drop offs. Dinners. Bed times. All of it. All the time.

That's how DH is able to have his successful career and a family, because I am here doing the drudge work. And I could accept that if DH weren't constantly behind with all his other contracts and has spent the last three weekends frowning at his laptop while I continue to entertain, feed, bathe, clothe, enrich the lives of our kids. He has appalling time management, spending hours paralysed with indecision in the bath or reading about nonsense on the internet followed by intense bursts where nobody is allowed to approach him because he is having his big important creative thoughts.

And next week he starts a two month contract that will take him away from the home for half a week every week. This, again, would be impossible for him if I had a job. He wouldn't be able to pick up any of the slack or childcare because sometimes he might get a call at 9pm saying 'We need you in London tomorrow at 8am' and he has to just go.

AIBU to say 'please no more weekend work'. I can cope with the nature of his work if he doesn't work 365 days a year. But I absolutely need a wingman and someone to talk to at weekends. I am so tired of him sneaking off with his laptop to 'just finish' some work he told me he'd finished a month ago, while I am stuck with the kids. Again.

We are ok for money. We have more than enough. We live modest lives, run one family car and have one cheap uk holiday a year. I have absolutely no expensive hobbies or pursuits because I have no time! He has a moderately expensive hobby, which he somehow manages to fit into his days.

Can you ever convince a person like this to be part of the family?

We have a disabled child. I work part time. Dh is breadwinner and is full time. Inthe week I do all cooking cleaning and walking dog but dh and I share bed time. At weekends it's all a 50:50 split

The hours he isn't working he needs to take the kids, fully. Your work is many times harder than what he does.
And no more weekend work for him.

Not sure if you’ve tried this but it works with my dh . He has the big high powered job so doesnt know the ins and outs of our kids schedule. So i just tell him “you are on pick up at xx time at xx place this saturday ” . He is usually absolutely fine with being given specific tasks. They just need to be spelt out . I’ve realised he is fine doing things as long as he doesn’t have to think. Its fine with me as the thinking has become second nature but freeing up time is the real win.

I'm the one with the mega demanding job and I do the admin, all the emotional load etc as well - don't have a disabled child but DH has cancer and can't work - he helps as he can with the house etc and also have elderly parents, father very sick and mum needs a lot doing for her. To top it all, male relatives snipe about my career....I sympathise, OP. I don't have any answers, it's shit. I hope it improves for you.

THIS

"And I could accept that if DH weren't constantly behind with all his other contracts and has spent the last three weekends frowning at his laptop while I continue to entertain, feed, bathe, clothe, enrich the lives of our kids. He has appalling time management, spending hours paralysed with indecision in the bath or reading about nonsense on the internet followed by intense bursts where nobody is allowed to approach him because he is having his big important creative thoughts."

OP this sounds very much like adult adhd, if he hasn't had an assessment may be worth one.

I had one like this. It broke me and i gave him an ultimatum and he changed. We stayed together another seven years and things were a lot better but we grew apart. Being separated is the best thing ever. I get every other weekend to do whatever I like

He needs to drop his moderately expensive hobby if he's working weekends to make up for work he hasn't done - I would lose my shit at that. Even if it's exercise and therefore not purely frivolous I'd be asking, when's my chance to exercise (because I bet you don't have time for that either). Family time and work come before hobbies.

The measure of fairness is not how much work each person has - it's how much free time each of you has after childcare, housework, family time and paying work is done. That should be roughly equal, though of course everyone fluctuates through the year depending on individual circumstances.

My DH is a teacher. In term time I pick up almost everything family and house related and in the school holidays he does and our roles reverse while I keep working. If he said "oh it's my holiday now, I get to relax" and expected me to continue doing all the family stuff I would be furious.

Thanks for all the replies, I have been reading them but I've been too snowed under to reply.

Those suggesting ADHD in DH, yes I absolutely agree, it's pretty much a dead cert. He won't get assessed. Actually that's not true. He hasn't the executive function to initiate assessment. He hasn't the executive function to initiate anything really.

But guess what, I am diagnosed autistic and on the waiting list for ADHD assessment (at the strong recommendation of the Dr conducting my ASD assessment) so if I can manage to hold a family together while also managing these conditions then he should be doing the same!

Yes it's OP btw, I changed my name as I was listening to Wings and nobody else had used the name on here 😉

I like HIM as he is. I need him to work less. Or smarter. And I realise this could be a big ask.

It’s ten times more lucrative than your career. He is working hard for his family. He sounds totally stressed. I was freelance once and it was a nightmare. Constant worry. The only option is that he gets an employed position which may suit him a lot better, but perhaps pay a lot less. It’s what I rid in the end and it was the best decision ever. It’s impossible to switch off when you are self employed. In my experience, my view is you’ve got it better end of the deal.

He hasn’t got ADHD ffs. He’s just totally wrapped up in worrying about being good enough.

Second this.

TBH if things stay as they are, you'll likely end up divorced. So I would speak to him.

It'll be 10xs worse if you divorce so you need to both find a better way of doing things / better balance.

Act now before it's too late.

I couldn't live like that.

I have a very limited window of free time in the middle of the day in which I would be able to get any work done, and if either of the children were off school - for holidays or through sickness - it would be me that would have to take the time off. I also frequently have to take DC to appointments midweek, such as OT, paediatrician, play therapist etc and those appointments would all have to be made and facilitated by me. I have no family nearby. Nobody wants to help with bigger DC because of their needs.

I receive carers allowance. If I were on UC I would not be required to look for work, given the amount of work that goes into caring for a child like mine. I am also on low rate PIP myself, owing to being autistic and having an autoimmune condition.

I would love the time and health to be able to work. I earned £50k + before kids. The fact that one is disabled was a curveball we had to learn to catch. I caught the brunt of it.

You've been with him for 17 years, have you? He absolutely does have ADHD. Textbook.

I think you just need to communicate that you need a fairer split. Sometimes we just steadily slide in to these patterns or roles and don’t realise that it has become an ingrained habit that you are doing all or most of the childcare etc…sit him down and explain what you need him to do and work out what’s fair together. Both partners need a break. I don’t see why he should give up his hobby unless it really is impacting on his time. Equally You should have opportunities for your likes/hobbies/time away. It sounds like your patterns have become a bit ingrained and need a shake-up. (When I say your, I mean you and husband). Both people need to be heard and have the time to do the things that make their heart sing. Communication is always key. Sometimes people need very clear instructions though! My husband does. I give him a list or write it on the calendar or we sit together and share out the chores/lifts etc

You're NBU at all, but I'm going to add one thing... I became a single parent when my hubby died. 2 kids with disabilities, holding down a full time job etc etc. At that stage I took my hat off the single parents, it's so hard. You are a single parent in a family of 2 adults. Be kind to yourself, and tell your DH straight. He either helps out, funds help for you or buggers off.

I am getting ticked off by all the recent posts about absent fathers who live in the family home, it's ridiculous!

For context, my husband is a farmer. He works all hours during busy season but during winter, he is far quieter. My work is consistent across the year. But when he is quiet, and therefore has more time, he cooks, does more childcare/school pick up etc and (when I nag!) also does some washing etc.
During his busy seasons I do more or less everything.
What it requires is clear communication and clear expectations (and basically I tell him that it wouldn’t be acceptable if he didn’t pull his weight when he has more free time).
He can be absent when is is absent, but it’s not acceptable to be an absent parent when he is around!!

@bigbarnbed

You keep saying you have to do this, you have to do that.

Completely ignoring that the kids are as much his responsibility as yours.

Why are you letting him away with not doing his share?

Why does he need to work less if he has periods if no work?

Same.

For example our childcare has fallen through 3 days this month. I text him with dates and said you need to ask for x date. I’ll do the others. If I’d asked how we should have approached it he’d have scratched his head…

This is what I thought too...(son with ADHD here and likely have it myself too!)

No advice, just know that you’re heard. You are not being unreasonable and this type of dependence on women’s unpaid labour for men’s success must stop. He should not have a good life at the expense of yours.

I would start with no weekends, but I don’t know if that will give you the breather and space you need to ever have a balanced, enjoyable family life.

Good luck x

When do women get to check out of all parental obligations, household chores and family time because they have a demanding job?

Oh yeah... that's right....never...ever...

@Morningcoffeeview

Who does their thinking for them in the 'big job'

This sounds like a terrible home life. I sure wouldn’t put up with a spouse/partner behaving like this. He helped make the children, he has a role in raising them, not just supplying funding for the household. I would be having a serious talk with him. I would tell him he can start contributing to his share of the parenting, or take yourself and your children out of this abusive relationship. You are modeling for your children what a marriage/relationship is supposed to look like. Do you really want them thinking this is normal?