To say I can't fucking do this

[countingallthseconds]

DH is freelance creative. Competitive industry. Subject to periods of long hours and working away. Then tumbleweed for weeks or months. Then activity again.

Because of the spontaneous nature of his work, the fact that's it's ten times more lucrative than my previous career, and the additional fact that we have an 8yo with considerable additional needs (multiple diagnoses and delays including ASD, attends special school, has a social worker and PA hours) and a younger child I am the one who stays home and does all the domestic stuff. All of it. All the admin for school. Drs. Dentists. After school clubs. Pick ups, drop offs. Dinners. Bed times. All of it. All the time.

That's how DH is able to have his successful career and a family, because I am here doing the drudge work. And I could accept that if DH weren't constantly behind with all his other contracts and has spent the last three weekends frowning at his laptop while I continue to entertain, feed, bathe, clothe, enrich the lives of our kids. He has appalling time management, spending hours paralysed with indecision in the bath or reading about nonsense on the internet followed by intense bursts where nobody is allowed to approach him because he is having his big important creative thoughts.

And next week he starts a two month contract that will take him away from the home for half a week every week. This, again, would be impossible for him if I had a job. He wouldn't be able to pick up any of the slack or childcare because sometimes he might get a call at 9pm saying 'We need you in London tomorrow at 8am' and he has to just go.

AIBU to say 'please no more weekend work'. I can cope with the nature of his work if he doesn't work 365 days a year. But I absolutely need a wingman and someone to talk to at weekends. I am so tired of him sneaking off with his laptop to 'just finish' some work he told me he'd finished a month ago, while I am stuck with the kids. Again.

We are ok for money. We have more than enough. We live modest lives, run one family car and have one cheap uk holiday a year. I have absolutely no expensive hobbies or pursuits because I have no time! He has a moderately expensive hobby, which he somehow manages to fit into his days.

Can you ever convince a person like this to be part of the family?

Yeah. I wonder how my DH functions and he must because he’s really successful.

But he does provide for his family pretty damn well.

You have to talk to him. Give him a chance to change. But your family life sounds like the family I grew up in. DF worked from home and would frequently disappear to work on whatever creative project was on, even on Christmas Day. We came second to everything, holidays were sometimes booked to a destination helpful to the project in hand. We were the set dressing, along with the house, part of the persona of the ‘marvellous’ person he was.

also sounds like a friend of mine, her DP is often away working, swans back in and plays the doting dad. Will then be around until the next project lands, rinse and repeat. Friend is bitter about her career being on hold to accommodate his and how he got to be the good parent because he wasn’t there to discipline the kids.

@Morningcoffeeview - but it’s a completely different neural pathway, isn’t it?

At work, it’s clear, it’s defined. It’s generally input equals output, a set of rules, of engagement and how to do the job itself. It’s spreadsheets, or deeply fascinating (or both!), and also it’s driven by fear and / or anxiety.
If they get it wrong, no money,
if they get it wrong, shame,
if they get it wrong, the sky falls in.

At home, it’s chaotic, mixed messages, different viewpoints. Children don’t, usually, have to follow formal codes of behaviour, they ask difficult questions even when you’re tired. They required a thousand myriad pointless things, that make the most indulgent parent roll their eyes.

The mess, and cleaning, and general detritus, is not interesting, it’s not incrementally making life better/producing money/gradually disappearing, and it is the very definition of requiring executive functioning.

EQually, and I struggle very hard with this one. It’s because there is no threat to life and limb, it’s their “safe space” they can relax more, and recover from using all their normal, contingency, and emergency energy at work to get through the day. Making them even less likely to find the necessary capacity to do the dross.

It’s hard @OctopusComplex i think both roles are hard. I don’t envy my DH being the breadwinner in a stressful role (although my job isn’t a walk in the park) but I think being the sole earner must be quite a responsibility too.

Both roles come with their challenges. Berating people doesn’t always help.

@OctopusComplex

So how do you think mums with adhd cope?

Do you think they have different brains?

@Morningcoffeeview

Wouldn't be enough for me but we're all different eh?

Sounds like he can’t be arsed to contribute and has hoodwinked you into thinking he has such a ‘big job’ that he can’t.

I’m quite sceptical of people doing non critical roles which can be done on laptops who claim they’re given 24hrs notice to be in a different city/country. Post Covid this is unnecessary due to advanced technology. In addition, in my experience, the most senior people have diaries organised way in advance as their time is very precious so logistics have to be planned.

The DH is probably on £60k PA claiming all sorts about his big job whilst OP grinds herself into the ground.

@Botw1 don’t bollock me. I KNOW how WE mums with ADHD cope because I have it.

And I was talking about my husband being autistic, not “just” having adhd. In my own experience, I think that adhd will just eventually be seen as being one part of autism, because I truly don’t know anyone with it, who doesn’t display myriad other traits on the spectrum.

Anyway, back to the rudeness.

I manage because I HAVE to. In the same way that DH gets through work on Adrenalin and anxiety, I used these to get through the first years of family life. I think that social requirements mean that generally we are submerged more in family life, and what is required, as we grow up, and so it’s not a complete shock to the system. But I also think that I read everything I could, and approached it as a special interest at the beginning. The reality was awful and I nearly left many times (the children, not just my husband), and in telling you that, I’m probably giving you a reason to think I’m a monster, but it’s the truth.

I couldn’t cope with the mess, with feeling inept, with not knowing which way was up, the stress of knowing that if I forgot something, my child might be hungry, sad, in pain etc etc… I was drowning, and felt as if I was being the worst mother in the world. FOR YEARS.

DH doesn’t HAVE to deal with the kids because he knows he has a safety net. Ultimately, I’m here. It’s only the last couple of years, now the children are young teens, that I have been able to take a couple of days out at a time to be away and turn my phone off.

I tried to before, and there were nearly some dire consequences. This was not learned helplessness. DH was so distressed by what happened, and I would not put myself or any child through that, so why would I put him through it? Why do we forgive this “disability” in children, but not in adults? If it’s a physical disability, you’d never expect someone wheelchair bound to suddenly walk, to save their kids, so why, if an adult shuts down in a moment of extreme stress, is that not understood?

Now, the kids are better at self care (marginally), love being left a tick list, and old enough to “have a go” at dad if he’s forgetting something… and between them they all have different vested interests, so one will never forget to eat, another will never forget they need medicine, and one will make sure that the dog gets fed (please read that with some humour, not literal).

DH has always done a lot of work on creating a separate relationship with them. Which is brilliant. He can happily take one child at a time for some hours/overnight, and they all stay in one piece, and the kids love it. He also does a lot more menial stuff than he used to, but will also just stop if he is under stress, which is exasperating, but no longer makes me seeth as I realise it’s got nothing to do with keeping me down.

I know the children shouldn’t have to be involved in their own care in this way, but short of bringing in a nanny or something (which we couldn’t afford, and would be plain ridiculous), I think it works for us. And helps build their independence at a fast rate too. There are plenty of children out there who are full time carers for their parents, this is nothing near that.

So, that’s my experience of being an ADHD mum, with an autistic husband.

@OctopusComplex

I'm not sure how 2 questions constitute a bollocking?

It was a genuine question as you spoke at length about executive function and neural pathways, I was genuinely asking if you thought mums brains were different

But it seems, as with most other relationships, the difference is socialisation

Agreed and also as PP DH has ADHD and son ASD and ADHD. I do find it really hard to be as understanding of my DH than DS though definitely a work in progress

Sounds like he might have some undiagnosed conditions too that if he better understood/treated/managed could help him be more present as a dad & partner

1000000% NBU but if that’s the nature of his work there might not be much he can do about it (other than actually do the work or most of it within the agreed timeframe)

FYI- ADHD does present itself differently across genders that is why it takes longer for females to get diagnosed. Males tend to have more hyperactivity and tend to have more high functioning anxiety. Also mothers tend to take on more cognitive tasks adding to the metal exhaustion.
You also have to factor in individual differences and the receptiveness to the environment.
Yes with neurodiverse challenge there are common symptoms that make up diagnosis criteria but it's also common for it to present differently in different people.

Yes, this is the issue. You are so right!

OP, you can't compare creative work to a normal 9-5 type job. Procrastination and creative block is part of it. I know it's hard for you but the money is good and you do not need to work so can care for your children including one with a lot of needs.

However, you do need your own life and a bit more support. Ask him to give you a break where he looks after the kids. Take up a hobby that's just for you

@FacebookFun - I'll send you a pm if that's OK.

@Botw1 - how disingenuous.

I think you should get a job that you would enjoy and spend the money on childcare and/or a home help. That way you will keep your sanity.

@OctopusComplex

Not at all.

But if that's how you want to view it, thats up to you.

@Ellie474747

Yes, I'm aware ND can present differently in males and females.

Isn't masking socialisation of girls to conform?

@FacebookFun I just wanted to offer you an in-MN ((cuddle)). My mum had terminal cancer, I understand. I hope the treatments can give you and your mum as many good times as possible.

Jumped on to say 'your husband has ADHD' and obviously am far from the first one to see that.... it's a condition not an excuse but he will need help with deadlines on priorities.

YOU are a priority. DC are a priority. Book time in his diary for 'you have the children this weekend I am doing X'. And 'WE are having a family outing to do Y'. Make them non-negotiable (but agreed & planned together as a fun thing, ideally). Make him work back from his other work priorities to ensure he does not rely on that time to get work stuff done.

He sounds like he benefits from all the flair and hyperfocus. But you suffer from all the elasticity of time & ignoring of dull work.

You can be his best ally and help find a path through this that works better for all of you. Good luck with the conversation. xx

He earns considerably more than £60k per annum

I think my name change meant I got lost in the replies, but I did reply yesterday.

Thanks for all the replies, I have been reading them but I've been too snowed under to reply.

Those suggesting ADHD in DH, yes I absolutely agree, it's pretty much a dead cert. He won't get assessed. Actually that's not true. He hasn't the executive function to initiate assessment. He hasn't the executive function to initiate anything really.

But guess what, I am diagnosed autistic and on the waiting list for ADHD assessment (at the strong recommendation of the Dr conducting my ASD assessment) so if I can manage to hold a family together while also managing these conditions then he should be doing the same! Or at least maybe trying to.

We are a neurodiverse family, that's an absolute fact. DC1 is. I am. DH is. DC2 shows very few signs but I'm always open to the possibility.

But despite that I manage somehow to raise, nurture and love these two children, who are both doing very well. They're both very happy kids. Secure. Both love their schools and achieve well.

Because I picked their schools, liaise with their teachers, do all the paperwork and took our LA to tribunal. And if I, an autistic person who almost certainly also has ADHD, can do that then he can spend a few hours taking the kids to the park or building Lego with them. Can't he?

His job is not the problem, he is.

My DP is a creative with exactly the same kind of rhythms. When he's in a crunch or away, I'm pretty much left to myself. But he's still involved, asking me how I'm doing on the phone after a crazy long day- responding to texts if I need something etc.

When he has a tumble weed week, he tends to rest intensely for 24 hrs, then is turbo charged in making up for it - sorting the whole house and garden out, doing all the drop offs and pick ups, spending time with (my) DD, so I get a break, and carving out time for us as a couple. He also encourages me to go on spa breaks when he's got these gaps. His top priority in those gaps, is me, DD, house, garden.... so by the time he's back to work we are in tip top shape. And he still works in the gaps - client development / scoping new projects, a volunteer project that's been on ice while he's been too busy- but he fits those things around the edges.

If he's doing a good enough job to be paid well and be in demand in an unpredictable, high pressure career, then I'd say his problem is attitude, not neurodiversity?

@countingallthseconds of course he can!

I don't know exactly what's going on in his head, obviously, but I suspect it's a combination of 'I can but I don't have to/I'm not any good at it and DW is all over it/I need to feel needed and I'm needed more in my job than in my family because they sort it out without me/I don't know how to do it well so I'm just going to let the procrastinatey jobs string out to fill the available time'.

Which are all excuses obviously.

You can do it. You DO do it, because you have to.

If you had to have surgery, or went under a bus, he could do it too. He can do it too. If he HAD to-had to. But he doesn't, so he allows himself not to.

You need a very honest big conversation. I don't know how easy you find those?

The reality is you do all the work anyway, and arguably your home life might be more serene without his precarious flitting through it? If you said 'you're not contributing, I'll just have half the cash & you can live elsewhere & do every other weekend, thanks' - it would probably provide some hyperfocus! Do you want to save your relationship more than that? Is it a realistic counterpoint to the discussion?

If you went under a bus, he would figure out how to get the stuff done. It would be chaotic, he'd probably get a few late pickup phone calls from school, there would probably be laundry everywhere, but he'd find a way.

The pressure he 'thrives' under might be worrying about dropping the ball & never being hired again. He might be happy living a lifestyle well within your means so he can see the light at the end of the tunnel of less cortisol & adrenaline & not "having" to live like that any more.

It doesn't change the fact he's not pulling his weight and is capable of it - but you'd need to pull the rug out from under some of your tasks for it to be 'enough' of an emergency to get him to step in.

The best thing would probably be for you to announce you're buggering off for 5 days on a yoga retreat/to visit great-aunt-Mary. But with your own makeup, that perhaps doesn't appeal very much as a strategy?

Have the conversation. Get him to book the assessment - or not - but get him to acknowledge verbally the impact of how he is choosing to work in his non-critical-project time on the rest of you. And that it's not fair.

The waiting lists have got longer everywhere, but he could try https://psychiatry-uk.com/adhd/

Good luck

No advice as I have failed my marriage due to similar circumstances…. Except my husband didn’t appreciate what I did saying ‘get a job’…. To which I said … I literally need a 9-3 job week days only with 13 weeks annual leave a year…. If he can find me one I’d happily do it…. Or if he changes his job so he can help with evening, weekends and school holidays great!!
He’s now left and it’s weirdly easier coping alone than having him here too