To say I can't fucking do this

[countingallthseconds]

DH is freelance creative. Competitive industry. Subject to periods of long hours and working away. Then tumbleweed for weeks or months. Then activity again.

Because of the spontaneous nature of his work, the fact that's it's ten times more lucrative than my previous career, and the additional fact that we have an 8yo with considerable additional needs (multiple diagnoses and delays including ASD, attends special school, has a social worker and PA hours) and a younger child I am the one who stays home and does all the domestic stuff. All of it. All the admin for school. Drs. Dentists. After school clubs. Pick ups, drop offs. Dinners. Bed times. All of it. All the time.

That's how DH is able to have his successful career and a family, because I am here doing the drudge work. And I could accept that if DH weren't constantly behind with all his other contracts and has spent the last three weekends frowning at his laptop while I continue to entertain, feed, bathe, clothe, enrich the lives of our kids. He has appalling time management, spending hours paralysed with indecision in the bath or reading about nonsense on the internet followed by intense bursts where nobody is allowed to approach him because he is having his big important creative thoughts.

And next week he starts a two month contract that will take him away from the home for half a week every week. This, again, would be impossible for him if I had a job. He wouldn't be able to pick up any of the slack or childcare because sometimes he might get a call at 9pm saying 'We need you in London tomorrow at 8am' and he has to just go.

AIBU to say 'please no more weekend work'. I can cope with the nature of his work if he doesn't work 365 days a year. But I absolutely need a wingman and someone to talk to at weekends. I am so tired of him sneaking off with his laptop to 'just finish' some work he told me he'd finished a month ago, while I am stuck with the kids. Again.

We are ok for money. We have more than enough. We live modest lives, run one family car and have one cheap uk holiday a year. I have absolutely no expensive hobbies or pursuits because I have no time! He has a moderately expensive hobby, which he somehow manages to fit into his days.

Can you ever convince a person like this to be part of the family?

OP, could they DH also have ASD? Quite a few things you’ve said make me wonder. If so then a lot of this could be worked out with some couples therapy, someone who has a specialism in working with couples who one or both might be neurodiverse.

The poiñt is he ens a lot of money according to the information you hahave re given.,Get help if you are finding childcare and household tasks overwhelming.

@Viviennemary

The point is he's a parent of 2 children and doesn't get to pretend they don't exist because he earns a lot of money

I do know couples who turned this around after some Very Hard Talk.
I also know couples who didn't! But it's surely worth giving it a go, assuming you still like each other.

I know and work with a lot of creative industry women and the mums all find time for their families while delivering their work on time. It's really, really hard but they do it. He's taking the piss.

Then tumbleweed for weeks or months.

I could cope if he got properly stuck in while the tumbleweed is blowing around. But if he insists that that's his downtime (given that he manages to go to the gym I suspect he might) and you still have to carry everything, then I'd be rethinking the relationship.

Sounds like classic inattentive ADHD
Many creatives have it and probably why your son has ASD
Google it

The indecision, poor time management and hyperfocus could be indicators of ADHD, but being selfish, lazy and thoughtless doesn't come with the conditions.

Yep. it’s the other stuff that falls by the wayside (looks at clean laundry mountain, fails to fold it).

Above all else he should improve time management so that he completes his contractual obligations timely and isn't constantly chasing his tail. When I worked freelance I'd budget accordingly which meant I didn't have to take everything going leaving me with enough time for my family. He's able to make time for his hobby after all despite his inability to plan appropriately.

This is the crux, really.

What happens during the ‘tumbleweed times’? Does he do more, get more involved? If not, why not? What does he say about that?

It sort of sounds like he’s taking on smaller projects thinking he’s got ages to deliver them (during the tumbleweed times) and then a big project comes up last minute so he has to then cram the small things in either as weekend work or catch-up work later.

Whilst I have absolutely every sympathy for you, I do think you might also be underestimating how hard it is to be sole earner in a freelance field - the obligation you feel to say yes to everything, etc. If he’s got poor time management skills or a touch of procrastination-dopamine-seeking behaviour (the need to rush up against a deadline) then it’s really extremely hard to organise your working life to be more predictable. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t try. But it could be genuinely hard for him not just shit family-grunt work avoidance.

Gosh OP I could have written this myself. DH is exactly like this, any chance he’s an editor/works in post production? 😬 no real advice although you have my sympathies. My DH leaves next Sunday for 2 months in the US leaving me with two small children. I’ve just had to take an additional year off work because it was impossible to find childcare to cater to my very long hours (nhs worker). He will have weeks (sometimes months) off work where he is constantly coming up with other company ideas in order to branch out further, which’s means he’s zero help during his off periods too. He just sits on his computer day in day out! It’s definitely something I am thinking about in the long term, I feel like I need more than what is currently being offered. He misses everything even when it’s happening right in front of him because his face is stuck in his computer. Sorry OP! I have had many chats with him and nothing changes.

I understand your resentments, but in our family, I was the one with the work that could take me across the Atlantic with a day's notice. I was well paid, but DH also had to step up and cope. At the time, we had a nanny, who brought her own child with her to work when that was the best option for her. Nanny presented DH with bathed baby to be given a final bottle at bedtime. Babies are fairly easy, older kids are much more demanding.

@Endlessdark

Why did you have to take a year out?

Why didn't your oh?

I am also wondering if your DH may be neurodiverse. The hyperfocus, lack of time management and difficulties with decisions are making me think this. It may look and feel like your DH is being thoughtless and self-centered, but this may not be intentional.

sounds like you would be better off single

OP, the unfortunate truth is that if you were to kick him out tomorrow, his career would continue likely uninterrupted. Why not use some of his earnings to hire some household help? Why not hire a cleaning service? If you need s few hours down time , hire a sitter for a few hours. I think the only solution to making someone want to talk to you is to have something interesting or compelling to say.

Does it have to be him doing the cleaning , or is it only necessary that it gets done? His contribution can be the currency that makes those things happen.

Many will tell you to LTB, and that can be a reasonable suggestion. However, that in no way alleviates the problem of your having to do all of the life admin and having no one with whom you can talk.

Using your available financial resources to lessen the demands on both of you may make you less resentful and allow him to see how his hard work is adding a layer of assistance that would otherwise not be available.

What came first? His job or the child? If this has been his job since before kids then YABU

Yep. I’ve got a creative job that would certainly benefit from checking out of family life and going off to daydream for large chunks of time – I was much better at this job pre children, but I chose to have children! I can’t just be a self-indulgent twat and go “oh, I’m THINKING, someone else can do the primary school mufti day letter home party invitation car MOT insurance renewal PE kit laundry food shop, I’m too CREATIVE”.

It’s like that famous Alain de Botton “plight of the thinker” tweet: “sitting on sofa, gazing blankly, not helping unload dishwasher, dismissed as ‘doing nothing’.”

Then tumbleweed for weeks or months.

Surely he helps more during these weeks & months?

@Botw1 He earns much more than me (4x my salary roughly) so unfortunately it wasn’t really up for discussion. I took it extremely hard but I suppose I should be grateful I have a DH who earns well and shouldn’t complain about the lack of emotional intimacy or support.

I agree with you, before kids I spent most weekends at bars, getting home in the small hours, not waking till after midday on Sundays and eating pizza infront of whatever was on TV. I can't work out why everyone thinks it would be unreasonable of me to continue this now I have kids. As far as I see it my weekends have always been quite high octane affairs so if the kids don't like it then they should move out.

@Endlessdark

I wpuldnt be grateful ans I certainly wouldn't have taken it as not being up for discussion

Why should you bare the brunt of it?

Create a visual that shows how much time you each had to yourselves last week.

Fill in all the home and childcare work you did. Don't forget a single detail.

Point out to him that regardless of the income he generates, you're getting the thin end of the wedge. Insist on change.

He enjoys the luxury of crappy time management and poor work habits only because you're there doing everything he ignores.

Mark time slots into your visual showing where you're going to take time for yourself every week, and tell him he'll be arranging his time around you and your needs from now on.

He doesn't make enough money to claim his income as an excuse for his selfishness.

Sounds like he has a textbook case of ADHD.

Gosh, this sounds incredibly stressful. In answer to your question which is essentially 'can I change him?' the answer is probably no, you can't. By his very nature, he'd probably struggle in a different field and I'm guessing part time work isn't an option. I would not entertain planning children with someone who had an 'obsessive' career or hobby or who regularly worked away. I guess you make your decisions with the the information you have at the time and you thought it would be manageable. No-one plans to have a disabled child either.
I'm trying to pin point your biggest gripe. Is it that you are not coping (or just) , is it that you feel he has a 'better' death and you and you're angry, or is it that you're just disappointed that when he is around he's not present? I suspect it's all 3, but mostly the latter.
There are things you can do to 'enrich' your life eg work, and you could put your foot down and insist eg on a week away with a friend periodically and leave him with the children, but I'm not sure you can get him to engage the way you want but it's worth a try. If money isn't a huge concern you have options for fun 'activity breaks' eg snowboarding, horsetrekking, scuba diving etc.Maybe part of the reason is he doesn't know the children in the same way you do. This will give him a chance to bond. I think you would handle a bit of drudgery if you felt you were one unit.
Good luck.