To say I can't fucking do this

[countingallthseconds]

DH is freelance creative. Competitive industry. Subject to periods of long hours and working away. Then tumbleweed for weeks or months. Then activity again.

Because of the spontaneous nature of his work, the fact that's it's ten times more lucrative than my previous career, and the additional fact that we have an 8yo with considerable additional needs (multiple diagnoses and delays including ASD, attends special school, has a social worker and PA hours) and a younger child I am the one who stays home and does all the domestic stuff. All of it. All the admin for school. Drs. Dentists. After school clubs. Pick ups, drop offs. Dinners. Bed times. All of it. All the time.

That's how DH is able to have his successful career and a family, because I am here doing the drudge work. And I could accept that if DH weren't constantly behind with all his other contracts and has spent the last three weekends frowning at his laptop while I continue to entertain, feed, bathe, clothe, enrich the lives of our kids. He has appalling time management, spending hours paralysed with indecision in the bath or reading about nonsense on the internet followed by intense bursts where nobody is allowed to approach him because he is having his big important creative thoughts.

And next week he starts a two month contract that will take him away from the home for half a week every week. This, again, would be impossible for him if I had a job. He wouldn't be able to pick up any of the slack or childcare because sometimes he might get a call at 9pm saying 'We need you in London tomorrow at 8am' and he has to just go.

AIBU to say 'please no more weekend work'. I can cope with the nature of his work if he doesn't work 365 days a year. But I absolutely need a wingman and someone to talk to at weekends. I am so tired of him sneaking off with his laptop to 'just finish' some work he told me he'd finished a month ago, while I am stuck with the kids. Again.

We are ok for money. We have more than enough. We live modest lives, run one family car and have one cheap uk holiday a year. I have absolutely no expensive hobbies or pursuits because I have no time! He has a moderately expensive hobby, which he somehow manages to fit into his days.

Can you ever convince a person like this to be part of the family?

Does he know how exhausted, bored and miserable you are?
Is he aware that his choices are making you - and your children - economically vulnerable as you are unable to work around his work?

I wouldn't just say no more weekend work. I'd say this way of living isn't working for me, how can we plan together better so that a more equitable arrangement can be reached.

I'm married to someone very similar, OP. The simple answer is that he can help you, he just chooses not to. Because he's the breadwinner, and you're the "lucky" one who doesn't have to "work". He doesn't care that you never get any break or time off, because he doesn't value your time in any way shape or form like he values his own.

It probably sounds an odd thing to say, but I no longer resent DH for it, I envy it because I put everyone and everything before I put myself. And that's no one's fault but my own. Only you can make the changes here, he's never going to when the current system works 100% in his favour.

Or, tbh get a job and tell him he will have to organise his freelance work around his share of the childcare.

It's too much to expect you to manage.

Please don't take this the wrong way but would you be financially okay enough not to work if this wasn't his career?
Ie if he stopped tomorrow and went 9-5 would you still have the same lifestyle?
I think you do need a hobby (expensive or not) and probably need to look into any childcare available so you get some time to yourself (a nanny maybe?) but I certainly wouldn't underestimate being in a secure financial position right now.

He won’t give you time so you need to take it. Book a class or something during the fallow time and make sure he knows childcare is his responsibility during this time.

Hard to comment without knowing your routine with the DC

You mention school and after school club so assume that relates to your elder DC with SEN?

Could you put your younger DC in nursery a couple of mornings a week if you are not short of money to allow you some head space and time to pursue a sport or hobby?

@IsItThough

Exactly
The op writes that because their oh works aa he does and earns what he dies they had no option but to not work and literally everything else.

Except its not.

It's a choice as much as the ohs is choosing to prioritise himself

Hi Op
Could you hire a proffessional cleaner to do most or as much as possible the housework then?

It's bloody hard work trying to balance everything' like a spinning plates at a circus 🎪 all the bloody time,

Why struggle a lot or most of time, when you can afford to throw money at this and get paid proffessional cleaner, to make things easier, @countingallthseconds

Here's what I know about this situation. It is happening because it suits him very much to be entirely checked out of family life. He doesn't want to do it, so he hasn't. Totally selfish.
He will not respond to pleading or crying or Huff's and puffs. He needs to be forced. You have to TAKE the time you need. That means booking something - a few days away - and actually going. I also like the other suggestion. He has a moderately expensive hobby. That gives you the ammo to pay for help. He can afford cycling; ergo you can afford a weekly cleaner.

Selfish! Don't be used.

This. You could show him your OP, or even make a giant list with times required. You could even price up the cost of paying people to do all that, if he responds to economic arguments more than personal ones. Challenge him to use his creative genius to come up with solutions.

I don't think it's reasonable to say no more weekend working, or set similar limits. If he's urgently needed or is on a roll, he'll have to plug himself in. But it's completely unreasonable to treat all the fallow times - long and short - as 'working' while you continue to run the family without assistance. You need to be a team, and currently you are not.

If he still fails after being presented with the issue, I'd seriously consider whether you want to carry on being little more than staff. You're running this family all by yourself; it could well be easier if he wasn't physically there at all. Does he like having a family? Ask him what it's worth to him!

There are millions of women who'd love to swan about being creative and work in bursts, op. They just don't have slaves handmaidens wives to do everything for them.

Is he paying into a pension for you? I couldn’t bear such a disinterested man, I would not feel honoured or cherished and would be assessing specifically how being married to him enhances my life or makes it fun. Since that’s the whole point of a relationship. You do have time for a hobby, make him parent. Is he aware if you decide this marriage isn’t meeting your needs, he will be parenting/sourcing childcare alone? Time for home truths.

Why does he not contribute/parent when he is at home?

Hire a cleaner. Hire some help! If you're OK with finances just do it.

If he wanted to, he would

Hiring a cleaner won’t help the kids deal with the damage of having a father who openly wants nothing to do with them. A sticky plaster at the mouth of a river.

Can you ever convince a person like this to be part of the family?
you wont, he's the one earning the money and that makes it too easy for him to have all the power
whatever you do he's made sure he has so much wriggle room that he'll be able to worm his way out of anything
you've been stitched up

He’s not going to change. It’s pointless even considering it. I’d be buying time if it was me. A cleaner, some childcare, outsource everything possible and get some time for yourself.

He's using work as an excuse to escape family life. Sorry but there it is.

No women with kids in the creative industries behave like this freelancers and breadwinners with SAHP included, and most men don't either.

My dad had the big job & my mum facilitated everything. They divorced eventually & despite the fact I was lucky to have a somewhat privileged life I knew early on I wouldn't marry someone who's career came first. My DH earns more than me & has the "better" job but my job is important too & he helps me facilitate mine.

I'd be purely pretending by now, just keeping 'mr important' sweet and biding my time, making a plan to get the best deal I could for me and the child.

This.

You poor woman.

A very selfish avoidant parent and an awful life partner.

I think you need to be squirreling away some money away for yourself.

Then tumbleweed for weeks or months.

Then why isn't he 'present' during those times?

Ask DH to listen to the song ‘Cats in the Cradle’

Are you personally financially protected?

Is your family protected in the even he burns out/breaks down/industry collapses?

The rollercoaster nature of his work and energy would make me very nervous of depending on him financially.

Do you want to work? If you do, the value it brings doesn’t have to be reduced to a number on a balance sheet. You could outsource some of the help, admin you need out of his earnings, and accept having less money over all for a better standard of living. Many people make this compromise not to work, there’s no reason not to do the same in order to work (IF you want)

I do understand the added difficulties of having a child with SN - but the extra cost that brings shouldn’t only come from your mental and emotional well-being.

Also - his work style is suggestive of adhd. Has he ever considered this? Medication could massively improve his executive functioning (doesn’t do much for selfishness I’m afraid - that’s a different type of disorder)