To say I can't fucking do this

[countingallthseconds]

DH is freelance creative. Competitive industry. Subject to periods of long hours and working away. Then tumbleweed for weeks or months. Then activity again.

Because of the spontaneous nature of his work, the fact that's it's ten times more lucrative than my previous career, and the additional fact that we have an 8yo with considerable additional needs (multiple diagnoses and delays including ASD, attends special school, has a social worker and PA hours) and a younger child I am the one who stays home and does all the domestic stuff. All of it. All the admin for school. Drs. Dentists. After school clubs. Pick ups, drop offs. Dinners. Bed times. All of it. All the time.

That's how DH is able to have his successful career and a family, because I am here doing the drudge work. And I could accept that if DH weren't constantly behind with all his other contracts and has spent the last three weekends frowning at his laptop while I continue to entertain, feed, bathe, clothe, enrich the lives of our kids. He has appalling time management, spending hours paralysed with indecision in the bath or reading about nonsense on the internet followed by intense bursts where nobody is allowed to approach him because he is having his big important creative thoughts.

And next week he starts a two month contract that will take him away from the home for half a week every week. This, again, would be impossible for him if I had a job. He wouldn't be able to pick up any of the slack or childcare because sometimes he might get a call at 9pm saying 'We need you in London tomorrow at 8am' and he has to just go.

AIBU to say 'please no more weekend work'. I can cope with the nature of his work if he doesn't work 365 days a year. But I absolutely need a wingman and someone to talk to at weekends. I am so tired of him sneaking off with his laptop to 'just finish' some work he told me he'd finished a month ago, while I am stuck with the kids. Again.

We are ok for money. We have more than enough. We live modest lives, run one family car and have one cheap uk holiday a year. I have absolutely no expensive hobbies or pursuits because I have no time! He has a moderately expensive hobby, which he somehow manages to fit into his days.

Can you ever convince a person like this to be part of the family?

Ha ha. You have just described my lifestyle. This is why I don't have kids.

Wow how have you not lamped him one; he sounds like a fucking nightmare; you sound like a single mother; they’re his children too; next weekend he’s home; pick up those car keys slip on your coat & go, get in the car & drive; leave him to cope with the children for a few hours; leave your phone behind; have breakfast out; go to a friends; go shopping; have a facial; a manicure; a pedicure do something for you!! Ok he will go fucking apeshit when you get home but stay calm & just say welcome to my life it’s like that 25/7 365 days of the year; you’ve just had a small slice of what it’s like; I get it day in & day out there’s never any escape time for me so shut up & stop moaning !! Be brave be strong own it 😊

I have a low paid job but work with people like this. They all talk about their families begging them not to work on the beach during holidays or even to cancel holidays at the last minute. None of them change.

Creative careers require a degree of obsession, and selfishness. If you aren't prepared to pick up the everyday, then you really REALLY don't want a partner who works in a creative field.

And many seem to end up with strokes, heart attacks or cancer in their fifties. Not all of them, but a surprisingly high number do.

I think that in assessing relative contributions to the household it can be helpful to envision life if the roles were reversed. If he or she were to do all of the things that you are currently doing, could you provide for your family the same lifestyle that he or she is providing and that the family is enjoying?

It is not always helpful to try and determine who does more or less. Sometimes, it is more productive to think that we are both doing what is necessary to keep this family going.

In your case, I would use our additional financial resources to bring in some household help for chores that can be outsourced.

This is my life too and I still manage to work 30 hours a week in a professional job. I outsource what I can, cleaning mostly.

I never ever went on a holiday when I was actively economically active without a laptop. A week skiing: I worked four days, skied two, travelled two. Being a freelance means you are NEVER off duty.

Get a cleaner and someone to do your laundry and get him to pay. If he wants a housekeeper, let him pay for those things. This will give you a bit of a break and when he's not working, go out, don't ask, tell him you're off out later and just go

But, you are paid double what you earned in employment. There's no sick pay, no pension contribution, and no holiday pay due. The best advice I ever had when I first freelanced 40 years ago was "Double what you earned per day at work. You'll only work half the time and you will need to fund anything else yourself," Thank you Wally Lawrence. The wisest words I ever heard.

I think it's very reasonable to discuss not working on a weekend

I am freelance in a creative industry - I have bursts of well paid work, then nothing for a while, two or three months of intense work and travel, then nothing for a while. I am asked to travel at relatively short notice and sometimes work from 8am till midnight. Just for context.

I also have two DC and a DH who runs a business.

We make it work by ensuring we have equal downtime and picking up the slack at 'whatever time it is'. This means, I have been known to do a supermarket shop at midnight even though I have work in the morning. Or i might take an hour's break to cook dinner. Not because DH is an arse who expects me to work myself into the ground, but because the nature of my hours mean that in order for things to be fair, my contributions can't stop completely.

When I have nothing, i pick up the lion's share, but when I am full on, DH does the lion's share but I continue to contribute because otherwise I would be like your DH, and that's not ok. As a side note to this, being a creative means you do need to 'think' - it's not just a case of sitting down and starting work - I need to find ideas and creative solutions - sometimes getting on with cooking a meal or doing a hoover is just a valuable in 'thinking time' as locking myself away.

We've managed this arrangement for years. Your DH is choosing a selfish path. Put him straight.

Here's my experience. Your children's issues didn't come out of the blue.

If you want to see someone who's neurodivergent, look at your husband.

The more time I spent with my children, the more time I have with my husband, and thinking about how he behaves, and how I behave, the more I realise they're our children, and we are definitely their parents.

If you reframe your husband's behaviours in this context, can you see that he is as likely to engage consistently, as you are to catch a rainbow?

It's been a long haul for me, and I'm not done trying to find my way through a very similar situation, but it definitely helps my day to day resentment that used to burn fiercely.

I'm sad that this probably won't change enough for me to have a "real" life, rather than just a facilitator for my children and husband, and I feel huge shame that I feel anger still, for not handling it better, for so many things.

My dh is an extremely "successful" (by neurotypical standards) but it is ENTIRELY based on anxiety, masking, and compliance. You wouldn't see it. No one sees it. Except me. And it's taken 15 years for me to realise.
His obliviousness is not malicious.
He literally can't hold information that does not either involve life and death (barely reacts if one of us is sick, extremely concerned if we're in hospital), or intense duty (work, being the breadwinner), or an intense interest (fortunately those are starting to coincide with the kids, but that's luck).

His inability to discuss problems is shut down through fear.
His failure to engage with us consistently and meaningfully is because he knows we're there, and will be there at any given point in the future when he thinks to check in.

We are lucky that he realises these are not easy behaviours to live with, and he tries really hard. Which is exhausting for him.

I used to assume it was the sheer hard work, that caused so many families with neurodiverse children break up. But I think it's because the people who have their own exhausting fight to get through everyday, are the least equipped to deal with it in their own children. Especially when it's more challenging, and can't just be worked around by forcing the child into training, manners, rules etc. Now we know how damaging this is, we can't unknow it.

The world is full of adults who are now realising they "seem normal" because they grew up doing as they were told, and masking and being compliant until yet learnt how to pass.

These adults are now crumbling under the weight of all the pretending.

Sorry, derail, but that's what I see.

The thing is there are many women in creative jobs who manage to pull of both creativity and an organized home life. There is a way. It’s a choice. Yes it’s annoying to stick to a schedule and force yourself into the zone when you’re not feeling it but that’s something you push through when you decide to have a spouse and family.

@Xrays i thought exactly the same. Sounds like my DH when he doesn’t take his ADHD meds. Although he tries to help but finds it difficult.
Changed man now he is on medication!

Can you hire a nanny housekeeper to be your wingman?

Ooo sounds rough!

I do alot of the parenting solo, and myself and my DH haven't had a day off together since I went back to work as he works shifts including every weekend, and I work Mon to Friday. But I make my peace with feeling permanently drained, because neither of us has any free time as one of us is either with the DC or at work, zero exceptions. I don't think I'd stay very mellow if he was off playing golf a few times a month or spending 3 hours in the bath tbh.
I think you need to have a Frank conversation with him about priorities and sharing some of the workload, as it Currently is really inbalanced

He's taking the piss. Lying in the bath and staring at his phone aren't excused simply because he's a creative type. Fuck me

I was your DH, massive, extremely stressful creative projects that I worked on 7 days a week for months straight, with periods of nothing then back to the crazy grind again. As soon as my partner and I started ivf I looked for a salaried job as it wasn’t fair on both my partner and our now gorgeous baby to work like this. Can you both work and have enough money to get by? Unfortunately nothing could have made freelance less stressful for me. The indecision comes with the territory when so much pressure to perform is on you.

Just came to say I empathise.
Im a doctors wife, two toddlers, eldest with ASD and significant additional needs (suspect will go to a special school)

it’s hard being the invisible facilitator.
DH’s hours are long, unreliable and constantly changing. Nights, long days, ‘I’m on an ambulance transfer it’ll be at least another hour’ texts sent an hour after he was supposed to be home.
‘Just got an email, I’m actually on a full day course tomorrow’ the night before he was supposed to be off.

I can’t have a job, hobbies, clubs basically can’t commit to anything regular. When he is home he’s so flaked he wants me to give him a break which I get but it’s hard. Everyone thinks he’s amazing for what he does whilst I’m just here doing laundry and wrangling kids. My quality of life is awful, I’m pretty unhappy tbh. Looking after kids with significant AN isn’t recognised as being as hard as it is. I resent his freedom a lot.

Does your husband have ADHD by any chance?
because the brief outline you gave highlights the most common traits to a T. Especially given EACH single thing you’ve said is a trait. Even the working una creative field..

He may be not diagnosed as most adults aren’t nowadays unless they’ve sought adult
diagnoses..

If that’s the case, he needs to step it up but it may look different to what a neurotypical person may do.
i.e. he should concentrate on the creative - entertaining, food prep, for example stuff and AVOID anything time sensitive like making appts, paying bills etc.
Each spouse to concentrate on their strengths:)

I was thinking that. I have ADHD.

YANBU. Having kids is a joint decision and you should not have to bear all the consequences, be that for your career, personal time, housework or whatever.

You don't say if you've talked to him yet. But you absolutely must. He needs to know how hard this is, how unfair on you it is. That he makes time for his hobby but can't even spend one day of a weekend with you speaks volumes.

I've worked with senior creatives, I know it's a unique job and way of working. But surely he doesn't have to be freelance? If he's so in demand freelance then he must be able to get a salaried Creative Director role or similar. Of course the hours would still be longer than ideal but more predictable. Not the tumbleweed and then frantic 24/7.

IMO you need to work out what you want, and then lay it out for him straight. And think about what the consequences are for YOU if he won't do what you ask. Would you leave him? Be clear if that's on the table.

Wishing you all the best OP

@Thehonestbadger

Then stop allowing him more freedom than you.

He doesn't work 24/7

He doesn't deserve a break more than you do.