To say I can't fucking do this

[countingallthseconds]

DH is freelance creative. Competitive industry. Subject to periods of long hours and working away. Then tumbleweed for weeks or months. Then activity again.

Because of the spontaneous nature of his work, the fact that's it's ten times more lucrative than my previous career, and the additional fact that we have an 8yo with considerable additional needs (multiple diagnoses and delays including ASD, attends special school, has a social worker and PA hours) and a younger child I am the one who stays home and does all the domestic stuff. All of it. All the admin for school. Drs. Dentists. After school clubs. Pick ups, drop offs. Dinners. Bed times. All of it. All the time.

That's how DH is able to have his successful career and a family, because I am here doing the drudge work. And I could accept that if DH weren't constantly behind with all his other contracts and has spent the last three weekends frowning at his laptop while I continue to entertain, feed, bathe, clothe, enrich the lives of our kids. He has appalling time management, spending hours paralysed with indecision in the bath or reading about nonsense on the internet followed by intense bursts where nobody is allowed to approach him because he is having his big important creative thoughts.

And next week he starts a two month contract that will take him away from the home for half a week every week. This, again, would be impossible for him if I had a job. He wouldn't be able to pick up any of the slack or childcare because sometimes he might get a call at 9pm saying 'We need you in London tomorrow at 8am' and he has to just go.

AIBU to say 'please no more weekend work'. I can cope with the nature of his work if he doesn't work 365 days a year. But I absolutely need a wingman and someone to talk to at weekends. I am so tired of him sneaking off with his laptop to 'just finish' some work he told me he'd finished a month ago, while I am stuck with the kids. Again.

We are ok for money. We have more than enough. We live modest lives, run one family car and have one cheap uk holiday a year. I have absolutely no expensive hobbies or pursuits because I have no time! He has a moderately expensive hobby, which he somehow manages to fit into his days.

Can you ever convince a person like this to be part of the family?

Only to point out that he earns enough for us to live comfortably. I do all the bills and shopping etc, and I'm pretty savvy, so we have everything we need and extra for emergencies.

His job is the kind where you start off very lowly and gradually build up as you build contacts and connections. I earned twice his wage for many years before we had kids. I was the one with the stable income (always above £40k) and his was as low at £12k per annum at the start. My buffer allowed him to live comfortably while he established himself.

He's fully established now. Never has to look for work. He's very in demand in his industry.

You can do this

He probably would also like a break to spend more time with you but feels he needs to keep working as the main bread winner because you never know what life will throw your way

At least OP you can get on with looking after your family with someone else bringing in the income

Not everyone is that lucky

Look at the pros abs forget any cons

You have money to live off whilst you get on with the domestic drudgery of life

Many many people have to do both and alone

You are not alone

Just because someone is a SAHM does not mean they have no worries about finances. They have the risk that if their spouse dies, they will be unable to support themselves having been out of the job market a long time. They have the risk that their spouse may abandon them and that they will have to return to work at a much lower level of pay and seniority than they were at before they stopped working, possibly falling into poverty as a result. They have the worry that running around after small children with no breaks ever may ruin their health. Meanwhile the husband is planning weeks away (alone, no kids) for his hobby because "I need the rest" and "But what's the big deal, you have to be here with the kids anyway" (things my husband literally said to me during the two years I didn't see a doctor for my chronic health condition since I could never get babysitting for the kids).

This idea that all SAHMs wanted to be there is not true. There are MANY women who are SAHMS because of a combination of children with extra needs, lack of any sort of support system, and a husband who considers his BigJob so important that he refuses to ever help with the kids let alone take a day off when they are sick. A few difficult-to-cover unscheduled sick days, that convince your boss you are an unreliable worker, are sometimes all that stands between a woman who wants to retain a hand in the job market and being a SAHM.

Tell me something all of you. What were these men like when you were courting? Did you disguss children. I being an intelligent person got pregnant at 25. I'm now 78. We were going to get married in any case but we discussed his role after the wedding. He was a good husband and father. We divorced after 22 years but still friends.

@Stewball01 - do you have any idea how insufferable and smug you sound? If not fairly stupid.

Most of us have no idea how we will behave after marriage, once children arrive, as we get older.

Clearly something wasn't marvellous about your marriage if you ended up divorced. I don't care, but you really shouldn't sit in a glass house throwing stones.