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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not breastfeed the third child?

271 replies

cityle · 25/03/2023 12:29

So I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old.
I breastfeed my 5 year old till 2 (actually when I got pregnant with the second then my milk diminished)

And now I'm still breastfeeding my 2 year old and I'm 18 weeks pregnant (waiting for the milk to stop because I'm going insane and it's painful now)

My husband thinks I'm being completely hypocritical that I've decided I don't want to breastfeed my third baby.

But honestly, I've never been able to lose weight until ironically when I stopped BF and was pregnant!

And I've found it very suffocating for basically 5 years now!

This baby was not planned and my 2 year old still doesn't sleep through the night. My 5 year old did when she stopped feeding!

And if I'm frankly honest, all my friends with FF babies tend to live easier stress free lives. The babies appear more content and happier and the thought of my breast not being my own again for another 2 or so years is daunting!

I've also started getting Bf aversions and I think it's contributed to post natal depression in the past!

Would I regret it?! Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Mamoun · 25/03/2023 14:17

Do what feels right. This is my experience, I have three kids. Breastfed dc1 and dc2 for 6 months (so probably didn't feel as suffocated as you!) BUT still found it incredibly suffocating and was dreading bf my third. But in the end when he arrived it felt very natural and I couldn't imagine not doing it.
Then very early days I suffered with terrible cracks. Made the decision to give up and actually found bottle feeding difficult. Was worried when he didn't finish bottles, having to wait a certain period of time and nothing really to give them to settle them (apart from walking around: super tiring). I just didn't know what to do when he cried.
During the 24 hours break the cracks healed and I gave it another try and in the end breastfed him 9 months which is a feat for me!

Good luck, do whatever feels right and don't worry.

Scottishgirl85 · 25/03/2023 14:18

I am in utter shock at some of these comments. Why can't women support each other and give them confidence in their perfectly reasonable choices. Of course you don't need to breastfeed, OP. Shame on the posters trying to convince you otherwise.

Vivi0 · 25/03/2023 14:18

YANBU.

I get it, I’ve been breastfeeding continuously since 2017.

If I were to have a third, I have no idea what I would do. In my experience, in the short term, breastfeeding is much easier and more convenient than preparing formula (especially in the night), but in the long term, breastfeeding is exhausting.

I’m still breastfeeding DS2, but only at night. I’ve found it really difficult to wean him because it’s not the milk he’s wanting, it’s the comfort.

You need to do what is best for you.

Mamoun · 25/03/2023 14:19

Twizbe · 25/03/2023 13:07

You're not being unreasonable at all and it's your choice.

All I will say is formula doesn't mean that you won't have a newborn. They will still wake, they will still cry, they will still do all those things. You may also get new issues like reflux / CMPA that you didn't get with the others.

Nothing is guaranteed and it might be grand and you feel everything is working out for you.

I do wonder if the feelings are some part of how you're adjusting to the unexpected pregnancy. How are you feeling about that in general?

Usually I'd say, give it a go because you do know that it has its practical advantages (no bottles or having to carry milk around with you etc) but give yourself to permission to stop if it just doesn't feel right to you at the time.

You don't have to decide now, and you don't have to fully do one or the other. You could look at combi feeding if you overall like breastfeeding this baby, but want some breaks from it as well.

This is exactly what I experienced when I stopped for 24h. Formula is not magical and doesn't change the nature of being a newborn... bf is a good tool.

Anybridget · 25/03/2023 14:19

I'd start off breastfeeding and introducing a bottle gradually - see how you feel. Although your friends babies might seem content etc, you don't see the getting up making bottles, sterilising everything. I'd combi and see which you prefer.

MrsCremuel · 25/03/2023 14:19

No one else can decide for you, you know if you can do it or not. If you’re unsure, could you breastfeed but set a time limit? I do understand, I am tandem feeding my 3yo and 18month old and it’s tough sometimes. I definitely need to stop with the 3yo but it’s harder the longer it goes on for? Maybe just say 6months?

Vitriolinsanity · 25/03/2023 14:20

I never breast fed. I did not want to. Not one person ever shamed me. Good luck trying.

Will the third baby know or care how it was fed? No.

Parker231 · 25/03/2023 14:22

Scottishgirl85 · 25/03/2023 14:18

I am in utter shock at some of these comments. Why can't women support each other and give them confidence in their perfectly reasonable choices. Of course you don't need to breastfeed, OP. Shame on the posters trying to convince you otherwise.

Exactly - OP has said she doesn’t want to bf again.

SoftSheen · 25/03/2023 14:22

Personally, I would wean the 2 year old now to give yourself a bit of a break. When the new baby is born, aim to at least give them a few days' worth of colostrum, then see how you feel at that point.

TheGoogleMum · 25/03/2023 14:22

YANBU please do whatever is best for your mental health, baby will be fine

Pinkdelight3 · 25/03/2023 14:25

Seems a bit one extreme to the other. Just do six months for DC3. No need to do two years for any of them, but can start drawing a line now with DC2 and set your boundaries for DC3. You needn't be a martyr BFing beyond weaning, but equally to do so much for the first two and nothing for the third is OTT.

Original poster
cityle · 25/03/2023 14:26

mumoffourminimes · 25/03/2023 14:14

YABU for thinking FF is easier than BF

YANBU for doing or not doing whatever you like with your own boobs.

YAB a bit U for not treating DC3 in the same way based on the fact they were unplanned.

I couldn't deny a child the benefits of bf, planned or unplanned.

It's not because the baby was unplanned
Before I got pregnant, I made it quite clear that if I was to have a third I don't know if I would BF again..

I was planning to have a third at some point if it happened.

I wasn't preventing, it was just a case of if it happens it happens

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 25/03/2023 14:28

Why can't women support each other and give them confidence in their perfectly reasonable choices.

She posted in AIBU so presumably even she wasn't sure it was perfectly reasonable or she wouldn't have asked, and others have different views on how reasonable it is too, which presumably she wanted to hear. If she just wanted support in stopping BF she would have sought it from her FF friends and not asked here.

mumoffourminimes · 25/03/2023 14:28

Vitriolinsanity · 25/03/2023 14:20

I never breast fed. I did not want to. Not one person ever shamed me. Good luck trying.

Will the third baby know or care how it was fed? No.

My DF was FF, their elder sibling BF, their DM just said she didn't want to, DF still comments on it. The DC may well know and care that they were treated differently.

It's of course still the OP's choice, but it's not true to say it won't have an impact, no one knows this

SmartestGiantInCity · 25/03/2023 14:31

Do what works for you but breastfeeding doesn't mean not stopping until two. You can stop well before that, it's up to you. You can also wean your two year old.

Breastfeeding is a relationship and it needs to work for the mum as much as the baby.

SmartestGiantInCity · 25/03/2023 14:32

Not preventing is surely trying though?! Not sure what else trying is if not sex without contraception!

gogohmm · 25/03/2023 14:34

Ultimately it's your decision but yes I would personally think it's selfish not to breast feed your third child, wean your middle child over the next two weeks to give yourself a few weeks break

mumoffourminimes · 25/03/2023 14:36

Why say the pregnancy was unplanned in the OP if this is not relevant?

Bf during pregnancy so really hard going. I agree with others - wean them toddler, have a break.

At least give the baby colostrum and go from there.

bagelbagelbagel · 25/03/2023 14:37

Don't feel guilt OP. I couldn't breastfeed my first, he never latched in the weeks I tried, and I tried SO hard. My second did, but by then I had a whirlwind disabled pre schooler and I needed to be able to feed her and put her down safely to deal with him. So we bottle fed her and she is absolutely fabulous. As is our first.

Crumpledstilstkin · 25/03/2023 14:38

Similar age gaps and I was adamant I wouldn't breastfeed the third too. Anyway it was just me giving myself permission to be relaxed about it which took the pressure off and meant I was able to breastfeed as much (or as little!) as I wanted to. I thoroughly recommend that attitude over making a firm decision either way - do what feels right for you at the time.

StormySam · 25/03/2023 14:45

YANBU I have 3 and BF the first 2. Was extremely unwell in last pregnancy so FF from the minute youngest was born. Absolutely fine. Zero difference in their health/weight/ability/happiness. Do what you need to do.

Megifer · 25/03/2023 14:49

I BF one for 2 years and FF the other. I thought I'd feel guilty but i genuinely never have, they were both fed 🤷‍♀️

Definitely found FF far easier though and I was generally happier (might be other factors there though, although I can't think what!)

Your DH needs to pipe down its not his body, nor does he know what hypocritical means 😬

weststreet · 25/03/2023 15:39

My DF was FF, their elder sibling BF, their DM just said she didn't want to, DF still comments on it. The DC may well know and care that they were treated differently.

It's of course still the OP's choice, but it's not true to say it won't have an impact, no one knows this
@mumoffourminimes

You really think one of the kids when they've grown up is going to care that their siblings were breastfed and they were formula fed? Oh give over. That's the most ridiculous comment I've seen on here 😂😂😂😂

Imagine sitting down with your mum 'I'm so disappointed that I didn't get to feed from your nipple and you fed me from a bottle and I feel like I missed out' it'd be pretty funny tbh

mumoffourminimes · 25/03/2023 15:44

weststreet · 25/03/2023 15:39

My DF was FF, their elder sibling BF, their DM just said she didn't want to, DF still comments on it. The DC may well know and care that they were treated differently.

It's of course still the OP's choice, but it's not true to say it won't have an impact, no one knows this
@mumoffourminimes

You really think one of the kids when they've grown up is going to care that their siblings were breastfed and they were formula fed? Oh give over. That's the most ridiculous comment I've seen on here 😂😂😂😂

Imagine sitting down with your mum 'I'm so disappointed that I didn't get to feed from your nipple and you fed me from a bottle and I feel like I missed out' it'd be pretty funny tbh

Oh yes hilarious 🙄

DF considers BF an important aspect of their own parenting duty. They have genuine feelings about their DM's behaviour even as a 40+yo adult.

If you're going to treat your children differently from each other then it's highly likely they will grow up having feelings about that.

If you want to pretend otherwise than that's on you 🤷‍♀️

PTAProblems · 25/03/2023 15:47

These threads make me so angry! Why should you do something with your body that you don't want to do? If your husband wanted more regular sex posters wouldn't try to convince you that you should just give it a try and see how it went! If a friend wanted you to spend more time with them they'd advise you to put up boundaries but this site has a strange view when it comes to breastfeeding. The benefits of breastfeeding are completely unproven. To prove them, you would have to take babies at birth, bring them up identically other than feeing one formula and on breastmilk and that would be unethical and impossible. What's best for yourself and your babies is a Mum that is mentally well and not strung out and stressed to death. Do what you can to provide that stable happy mother to your children, no matter how you feed them.