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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH needs to plan better or deal with the consequences

205 replies

BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 14:01

My DH can be a bit disorganised and lack planning. He is intelligent and has a professional job, which requires him to use his brain and his diary, but at home he just seems to fail to think ahead.

An example today is he worked this morning from home, has the afternoon off and is going out with work colleagues later. His daughter (20) lives near where he works so he planned to meet her at 2pm this afternoon for lunch.

I am home as I don't work Fridays and have a toddler at home who is napping. I'm in the room with toddler while he is asleep just reading a book.

DH asked at about 1:30 if I could give him a lift to the train station. I said yes when child wakes up. No time discussed except he did ask how long child would sleep and I said hopefully another half hour to an hour. I said I could take him on the way to the supermarket. He said ok.

DH rushes into the room quite stressed at 1:45 saying he needs to get to the train station for 2:15 and can I give him a lift and get him there. I hesitated as he seemed so stressed and sometimes he gets annoyed if I say no to things. He did acknowledge he was wrong to have not checked train times earlier as it will take him over an hour to get there. We don't live in a city so it's two trains he needs. I said well child is asleep and I still need to feed him before we go.

He was fine with it and has called a taxi but it seems the taxi is taking it's time and I feel bad that he might not get to see DSD but also can't deal with how everything is always last minute. It's 2pm now and child is asleep so I'd have to put sleeping child into the car, drive to the station, then drive back home and feed him before going out again to the supermarket. It's not the end of the world but I can't imagine not looking at train times until half an hour before I'm supposed to be meeting someone and I know it's an hour away!

OP posts:
riskybiznisses · 24/03/2023 14:03

Let him deal with it…

Original poster
BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 14:04

Anyone with a toddler knows nap time is the time you get to relax so I generally try to enjoy it and don't want to cut it short because he didn't plan ahead.

Then again, not sure what I would have done differently had he said earlier.

I suppose I just feel bad as his taxi hasn't arrived yet. Then again he could have just called them earlier had he thought about it. I had to call a taxi for a 7:30 am train yesterday and managed it.

OP posts:
dietcokelime · 24/03/2023 14:05

Lack of planning on his part doesn't constitute an emergency on your part as the classic saying goes!

Honestly, my DH is the same. If it's something that is easy for me to sort (e.g he forgot to get a card for a friend, I let him use one from my stash I keep for emergencies) then I'm happy to help. Waking a sleeping child to do a train station run? Wouldn't be rushing to do that one! As he said, should have checked train times earlier in the day. Hopefully he will next time.

NoSquirrels · 24/03/2023 14:06

If he was supposed to meet his daughter at 2pm, he asked you at 1.30pm for a lift and it’s an hour away he’s already late even if you’d woken a sleeping toddler. What a wally. He’d have been better off calling his DD to postpone than wasting money on a taxi.

LolaSmiles · 24/03/2023 14:07

He needs to be more organised. It's not your problem or your toddler's problem that he hasn't made appropriate arrangements.

Mephisneon · 24/03/2023 14:07

I have experience at work of people not doing things or doing them last minute and others picking up the slack. It's hard to change the behaviour as as for the person not doing stuff or being disorganised they still get their way in the end. It's you who is inconvenienced. I feel the only way to address behaviour like this is to make the person feel the consequences. So you shouldn't have taken him to the station. But I appreciate it hard when people are flapping or getting upset.

Original poster
BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 14:08

Thanks @dietcokelime he is exactly the same with cards! I had to moonpig his mum a card for Mother's Day last week and often do as he says he'll get one and then doesn't so it's often left to me!

Like you say that's not so bad but this felt like a bit of a pain.

I think I heard him get in the taxi so hopefully he'll get there on time!

He also hasn't set up the app to buy tickets on his phone so he sometimes misses the train because he has to queue for a ticket whereas I'd just buy it in the taxi on the way...

OP posts:
Original poster
BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 14:10

Yes exactly @NoSquirrels !

I think so too @LolaSmiles but I often end up trying to put things right as I feel bad

@Mephisneon I agree with you. I actually think he's ok at work but absolutely think it makes a difference to feel the consequences and maybe he'll plan ahead a bit better next time.

I'd also just like to be able to relax on my day off tbh

OP posts:
Connected1 · 24/03/2023 14:15

I remember hearing on some TV show, the mum said "boys can only see 20 mins into the future" and it's something I quote to my husband all the time.

I used to pick up the slack a lot more for my husband, but I learned (it took me a while) that it was much better to let him deal with the consequences of not organising himself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/03/2023 14:16

We all rely on the slack built into ours lives. We get ready a bit early in case we need the time, we have a taxi number in case we need it, and so on. You are being treated as the slack in his life.

The only way to stop it, is not to be.

Brefugee · 24/03/2023 14:18

Stop digging him out of holes. Why couldn't he moonpig his mum a card? drop the rope.
Look at him when he's flapping around having not made a plan and say "oh, that's a shame" and then carry on with what you were doing.

Original poster
BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 14:21

Well I didn't take him to the station and that felt like the right thing. I mean it felt like the right thing to say no because it's not convenient and you didn't plan properly!

OP posts:
Naunet · 24/03/2023 14:22

BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 14:08

Thanks @dietcokelime he is exactly the same with cards! I had to moonpig his mum a card for Mother's Day last week and often do as he says he'll get one and then doesn't so it's often left to me!

Like you say that's not so bad but this felt like a bit of a pain.

I think I heard him get in the taxi so hopefully he'll get there on time!

He also hasn't set up the app to buy tickets on his phone so he sometimes misses the train because he has to queue for a ticket whereas I'd just buy it in the taxi on the way...

Why do women do this? We’re our own worst enemy. You didn’t have to do anything, she isn’t your mum. She should have raised her son to give a shit if it matters to her.

Original poster
BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 14:24

I don't want MIL not to get a card but yes you are right!

I refuse to do it for the whole family.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 24/03/2023 14:24

You seem to be vastly over thinking this

It's worrying you're so concerned about him being annoyed with you

Original poster
BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 14:26

@Botw1 Yes this is part of it when it comes to thinks likes lifts and I was surprised when he said it's fine as he's called a taxi but I did wonder how he'd be if the taxi didn't arrive on time. I'm not scared of him but he makes a big deal and it's not nice if he decides it's my fault and I'm just being selfish. He can be like that sometimes!

OP posts:
Botw1 · 24/03/2023 14:29

Sounds like you're scared of him tbf.

Original poster
BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 14:30

He gets stressed quite easily especially if he's running late but he is often late as he doesn't plan well!

OP posts:
RamblingEm · 24/03/2023 18:15

“Or deal with the consequences”

Except he won’t, will he, because by your own admission you end up trying to put things right and for some utterly bizarre reason feel bad for a situation you didn’t create. Be honest with yourself, you’ll have a bit of a vent (which is fair enough, obviously) and then you’ll continue to try and accommodate a grown man who flounders his way through life knowing you’ll always rescue him. No, you’re not being unreasonable here, but you already knew that really!

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/03/2023 18:22

Being disorganised isn’t the worst crime but what raises a flag with me is when you said “sometimes he gets annoyed when I say no to things”.

It’s not your problem and not your job to mop up the mess when he fails to organise his life properly and if he routinely gets angry with you for failing to jump to his tune that’s a big problem.

Does he do this a lot?

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/03/2023 19:24

BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 14:30

He gets stressed quite easily especially if he's running late but he is often late as he doesn't plan well!

Stressed is one thing. Angry and unpleasant is quite another.

I'd accept and sympathise with the first. I'd shut the second down.

Howtostart · 24/03/2023 19:54

He needs to remember a very important saying said to me by my DD a few years ago. She is organised and I have an ADD diagnosis.. (no excuse just to give context) ...

Your bad planning is NOT my emergency.

I have accepted this and try hard not to put upon others when I fuck up.

Saschka · 24/03/2023 20:02

I don’t know if there’s a typo in your post OP, but if he was meeting SD at 2pm and asked you for a lift at 1:45, and he was meeting her an hour away, he was always going to be 45 mins late wasn’t he?

I’d leave him to it, he manages at work where there are consequences, he would manage at home if he wanted to. And I say that as somebody who is very disorganised! But if it is something important you prioritise it and make sure you are there on time.

Rainbowqueeen · 24/03/2023 20:06

I’d be pointing out to him that he is behaving incredibly disrespectfully to the people in his life that he is supposed to care most about ie you, his Dd and your child.

He’s already had one long term relationship breakdown - I’m guessing that this attitude is partly why. He needs to understand that actions have consequences and this includes driving away the people you live by treating them like dirt.

bubbles2023 · 24/03/2023 20:26

I'd not be waking a sleeping toddler either unless it was an emergency or if it benefited me. My dh wouldn't either. He should plan things better.