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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH needs to plan better or deal with the consequences

205 replies

BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 14:01

My DH can be a bit disorganised and lack planning. He is intelligent and has a professional job, which requires him to use his brain and his diary, but at home he just seems to fail to think ahead.

An example today is he worked this morning from home, has the afternoon off and is going out with work colleagues later. His daughter (20) lives near where he works so he planned to meet her at 2pm this afternoon for lunch.

I am home as I don't work Fridays and have a toddler at home who is napping. I'm in the room with toddler while he is asleep just reading a book.

DH asked at about 1:30 if I could give him a lift to the train station. I said yes when child wakes up. No time discussed except he did ask how long child would sleep and I said hopefully another half hour to an hour. I said I could take him on the way to the supermarket. He said ok.

DH rushes into the room quite stressed at 1:45 saying he needs to get to the train station for 2:15 and can I give him a lift and get him there. I hesitated as he seemed so stressed and sometimes he gets annoyed if I say no to things. He did acknowledge he was wrong to have not checked train times earlier as it will take him over an hour to get there. We don't live in a city so it's two trains he needs. I said well child is asleep and I still need to feed him before we go.

He was fine with it and has called a taxi but it seems the taxi is taking it's time and I feel bad that he might not get to see DSD but also can't deal with how everything is always last minute. It's 2pm now and child is asleep so I'd have to put sleeping child into the car, drive to the station, then drive back home and feed him before going out again to the supermarket. It's not the end of the world but I can't imagine not looking at train times until half an hour before I'm supposed to be meeting someone and I know it's an hour away!

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 25/03/2023 10:11

BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 14:08

Thanks @dietcokelime he is exactly the same with cards! I had to moonpig his mum a card for Mother's Day last week and often do as he says he'll get one and then doesn't so it's often left to me!

Like you say that's not so bad but this felt like a bit of a pain.

I think I heard him get in the taxi so hopefully he'll get there on time!

He also hasn't set up the app to buy tickets on his phone so he sometimes misses the train because he has to queue for a ticket whereas I'd just buy it in the taxi on the way...

You need to stop saving him!!

Let him forget to get his mum a card... It really is quite difficult to forget with 8 feet adverts everywhere.... Hes relying ob you doing it... You've become the default organiser /brain /wife work..

After partner number one when i had an irritated call from HIS mother when she had no gift from him... Id been with him 3 months ane was 17 ffs... His family EXPECTED me to run his life... And stupid me, did it for a while... It waa a loooong time ago!

With my current partner i made ir clear early on... His responsibility..

He may change when the pain gets too much... Oh dear, another missed train....

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 10:11

where did i interact with you @BibbleandSqwauk

BibbleandSqwauk · 25/03/2023 10:12

Oops, apologies, @Crumpetdisappointment I tagged the wrong poster..as you were 😁

Whichnumbers · 25/03/2023 10:22

why would you feel guilty for his lack of planning If he wants to live life unorganised and not planning to be somewhere without drama, then its not your call to feel guilty.

In fact don't save the day as then hopefully he will learn to make plans and be organised

ButterflyOil · 25/03/2023 10:33

I would not want to be married to someone where I have to act like their mummy. Not very sexy is it?

BarbaraofSeville · 25/03/2023 10:34

This is what I find confusing @Whichnumbers. It's like the lasagne thread where a significant minority of posters thought that the OP was solely responsible for ensuring that her DH always had a meal in front of him and when he disrupted the plans that they had talked about and agreed upon by eating his second portion after she had gone to bed, they were making all sorts of suggestions as to how she could provide another meal for him as if it wouldn't have occurred to him that if he ate Thursday's dinner on Wednesday, then it wouldn't be there for him to eat on Thursday as well Confused

billy1966 · 25/03/2023 10:39

It sounds to me you have married and had a baby with a bullying loser whose temper causes you to overthink and has given you anxiety.

This is only going to get worse.

Sort out your contraception, do not have another child with him.

Stay working full-time.

You are going to need your financial independence when the penny drops that you have married a bullying loser, he is the source of your anxiety and life would be much calmer away from him.

Keep your friends and family close to you.

Antiquiteas · 25/03/2023 10:41

Callmenat · 25/03/2023 09:47

You sound like a barrel of laughs

She sounds a woman who understands the insidious shit women are expected to put up with. If you don’t see it yet, you will.

BibbleandSqwauk · 25/03/2023 10:46

@Antiquiteas thank you..exactly that. But sadly it's the same sort of shit you get when protesting about the "Karen" thing. You can't oppose it without basically doing what they accuse you of.

BluetheBear · 25/03/2023 10:47

I'm still reading the comments but would it surprise any of you to know he missed the last train home so hasn't even made it home yet.

OP posts:
Antiquiteas · 25/03/2023 10:49

BluetheBear · 25/03/2023 10:47

I'm still reading the comments but would it surprise any of you to know he missed the last train home so hasn't even made it home yet.

He is so inept. Ugh.

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 10:49

hapless @BluetheBear

BluetheBear · 25/03/2023 10:52

To answer a few comments, the toddler is our child.

If I had an older child at school of course I would have had to pick them up (if DH couldn't) but I would have known that in advance and leaving a child at school is different from leaving a grown man to sort himself out.

I don't know if I was overthinking but I was curious as to whether others would have just given him the lift. I think if it was a one off then I wouldn't mind but he often does things like this and then I'm inconvenienced.

I think the PP who said leave him to it and switch off might be right!

OP posts:
Gablonz · 25/03/2023 10:53

Not your problem.
He should have checked the train times.
People like that get on my nerves. I'm probably an over-planner, but I would arrange the time to meet the person depending on the train times, especially if I'm travelling from somewhere where the trains aren't that frequent.
Do not pick up the slack for anything like that. There's no excuse these days with everything available online within seconds.

BluetheBear · 25/03/2023 10:54

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/03/2023 07:31

I read somewhere years ago habitually late people are optimistic about how long things will take.

Yes, this used to be me absolutely. I was terribly disorganised and regularly very late to meet friends. I was fine to do something like go to work because that was something I could plan for. Be in front of the tv at 6.30. Eat breakfast. Walk the dog for eg 1/2 hour. Leave at x time to arrive by y time.

The only thing, which cured me was a having dd. Her sleep was all over the place and I was a mess. The neighbour suggested Gina Ford, which gave minute by minute instructions. I followed them to the letter. Dd thrived on a strict routine and so did I because life became relatively predictable.

I know people have said to leave your dh to work it out for himself. For me, this is leaving him to ‘adult’ but it’s also leaving the status quo, which is causing conflict. Personally I would have appreciated having a lesson in how to make routines. The one for your dh would have looked a bit like this to work for me:

Plans made, Ask Blue for lift on the day plans are made. Agree a time to leave to get to the station for say a 12.50 train.
12.00 stop work
12.05 get changed
12.15 check wallet and phone
12.20 put shoes and coat on
12.25 get baby in car seat
12.30 leave house

Idk if this is something your dh would be willing to think about?

He would probably act like I was trying to micromanage him. When I remind him of family birthdays he will say "yes I know when my sister's birthday is" and that he will get a card but then the day before he asks me.

I am going to get him to download moonpig on his phone as he often wants me to do it or to use my phone app (which is linked to my card).

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/03/2023 10:56

Antiquiteas · 25/03/2023 10:49

He is so inept. Ugh.

Agree. 🤢

BluetheBear · 25/03/2023 10:56

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 07:51

i wonder why you didnt discuss with him when he wanted the lift, or he you?
yet you knew his plans?
you said after the nap,
like its a moveable event?

I don't know what you mean by the nap is moveable? If he'd discussed with me early in the day then yes we could have made a plan probably but this was not long before he was due to leave and toddler was in bed with me.

OP posts:
Gablonz · 25/03/2023 10:57

BluetheBear · 25/03/2023 10:54

He would probably act like I was trying to micromanage him. When I remind him of family birthdays he will say "yes I know when my sister's birthday is" and that he will get a card but then the day before he asks me.

I am going to get him to download moonpig on his phone as he often wants me to do it or to use my phone app (which is linked to my card).

The timetable is a good idea. You could suggest this to him and explain how it works using the example above. But then it's up to him because
a) it's a pain in the arse having to plan a timetable for someone else
b) he'll complain you're micromanaging him.

You can suggest a strategy to help him, but then it's up to him to use it.

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 10:58

no not the nap moveable the daughter meeting moveable.
i get he didnt discuss with you,
frustrating.
do you have to pick him up?

BluetheBear · 25/03/2023 10:59

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 08:48

very strange
no discussion beforehand.
surely you anticipated he would have wanted a lift?
did you not discuss his plans? or are you oblivious to them?

You sound like you think you already know the answer but yes we did discuss it. He said he was getting the train and knew I was shopppng in the afternoon so he had communicated to me that he wasn't expecting a lift. Then he realised he was running very late if he wanted to be there by 2pm as I think he has checked trains for the first time.

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 10:59

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 10:58

no not the nap moveable the daughter meeting moveable.
i get he didnt discuss with you,
frustrating.
do you have to pick him up?

Why would OP have to pick him up?

BluetheBear · 25/03/2023 11:00

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 10:58

no not the nap moveable the daughter meeting moveable.
i get he didnt discuss with you,
frustrating.
do you have to pick him up?

No it wasn't moveable as he was meeting before another engagement he had to get to. He was planning to see her as she lives near where he was meeting others later on. If he was late he couldn't see her.

OP posts:
Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 11:02

i didnt know the answer op
sounds very frustrating.

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 11:03

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Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 11:03

@BluetheBear
hope you can enjoy your day worry free