To think DH needs to plan better or deal with the consequences

[BluetheBear]

My DH can be a bit disorganised and lack planning. He is intelligent and has a professional job, which requires him to use his brain and his diary, but at home he just seems to fail to think ahead.

An example today is he worked this morning from home, has the afternoon off and is going out with work colleagues later. His daughter (20) lives near where he works so he planned to meet her at 2pm this afternoon for lunch.

I am home as I don't work Fridays and have a toddler at home who is napping. I'm in the room with toddler while he is asleep just reading a book.

DH asked at about 1:30 if I could give him a lift to the train station. I said yes when child wakes up. No time discussed except he did ask how long child would sleep and I said hopefully another half hour to an hour. I said I could take him on the way to the supermarket. He said ok.

DH rushes into the room quite stressed at 1:45 saying he needs to get to the train station for 2:15 and can I give him a lift and get him there. I hesitated as he seemed so stressed and sometimes he gets annoyed if I say no to things. He did acknowledge he was wrong to have not checked train times earlier as it will take him over an hour to get there. We don't live in a city so it's two trains he needs. I said well child is asleep and I still need to feed him before we go.

He was fine with it and has called a taxi but it seems the taxi is taking it's time and I feel bad that he might not get to see DSD but also can't deal with how everything is always last minute. It's 2pm now and child is asleep so I'd have to put sleeping child into the car, drive to the station, then drive back home and feed him before going out again to the supermarket. It's not the end of the world but I can't imagine not looking at train times until half an hour before I'm supposed to be meeting someone and I know it's an hour away!

I dont understand why you sort out his mothers card.
Why?
What does it add to your life?
If he let's down his own mother, that's on him and between him and his mother.

You did right today, carry it on and dont save him when he forgets stuff. Frankly if he can hold down a full time job then he can sort his own domestic shit out.

He’s a fella ! I am not sure what came first, me planning everything so he can do nothing or him doing nothing so I have to plan everything.

How many times have you messed up?

I'll tell you how many times I've messed up, 3, I also fixed all of them by myself, didnt need to ask anyone else for any help. Cos I'm an adult.
OPs husband is also an adult and can sort his own transport out. He was always going to be an hour late wether OP took him or not.
And finally it's not teamwork if it's only ever one half of the team doing all the work.

It would be more useful if you stay out of his plans altogether and just ask him what arrangements he’s made just to check they’re feasible.

Close but no.

It would be more useful if you stay out of his plans altogether and just ask him what arrangements he’s made just to check they’re feasible.

Unless the plans involve the OP - in which case it is his responsibility to check with her - he can "check the feasibiity" of his own plans. He's an adult with a responsible job, not the OP's child.

Just as a matter of interest, @BluetheBear, does his daughter's mother currently have a partner, or a life?

I'm not insinuating there's anything going on between him and his former partner, BTW.

His lack of planning meant that a former partner ended up hosting him for the night. Would this have been an easy option for him if this woman had a partner?

If I were him, I'd be embarrassed. But he's clearly getting something out of all of this favour-asking. Is it attention? A feeling of security? A feeling that women are willing to do things for him?

Somewhere deep down, this pattern of behaviour is reinforcing a self-image he has of himself. Is he a charming, amiable, bumbling incompetent in his own head? The kind of human bear-of-little-brain women can't resist?

I was, and still am to an extent, a people pleaser. Think that’s what you’re doing. I used to run round trying sort out all sorts of messes with adult sons and then husband. Also friends. Am learning, at quite an advanced age, to take a step back and let them learn through their experience. I’m still there if needed, but they have be in charge of their own life. I’m a recovering control freak!

We are a bit like you both and after nearly 30 years together, I just say have you done xyz towards a certain thing because it will drive me mad continually thinking it needs to be organised and it will jog his memory to do something about it.

we are over the accusation of me being a nag and him being unorganised. That happened around the 20 year odd mark. Which interestingly mum said that’s when things changed for her…

anyhow if it had been me, that morning or possibly the day before I would have said well what are you planning to do about getting to DSD’s in time? I would probably have booked him an Uber on my account. After that it’s his problem…

@pinkySilver I get that. I genuinely didn't know what your point was. I wasn't being snarky.

@mathanxiety she has a bf but not one who lives there

@Lovely13 yes I think I can be a people pleaser

@changeme4this are you saying it gets easier after 20 years?!

Does he manage his diary at work, or has he got a assistant to do it for him?
It could be that he is use to someone doing all the leg work for him,
So he maybe is use to someone say, yoy have a meeting at X, your taxi is booked for Y. Here are the notes you need for your meeting, then all he has to do, is walk down stairs into said waiting taxi.
So when it comes to fending, for himself he hasn't got a slightest idea
My dad, does do public transport, we were getting a bus to pick up a rental van, he got annoyed, as we had walked past 2 bus stops. We had to point out, they didn't go, where we needed to be for the van. You cannot turn up at any old bus stop and get them to go where you want. It was only a 10 minute walk.

My DP is the opposite, everything is a military operation, timed to the last second, drives me absolutely batshit

He needs to earn the consequences of his actions and you need to learn to stop pandering to his panicky actions. Let him take the consequences of his own in inabilities and stop worrying about him being stressed. One of the reasons why he doesn't plan well is he knows you are more likely to haul his ass out of the fire. Stop enabling him.

To put this in terms of old sayings, "Why, yes, you can teach an old dog new tricks, but NOT if you reward him for NOT doing them." In other words, tell him very kindly (and not in these words, for goodness' sake) that a failure to plan on his part does not constitute an emergency on your part.

DM thought it was. I just think it’s a case of not sweating the small stuff type explanation. Either that of its like running water on stone, it eventually wears it down 😂

No he doesn't have an assistant or PA.

I have more assistance at work actually but I have always been organised and a planner.

@changeme4this The impression I have from my parents and my MIL is that people mellow as we get older so this makes sense.

Do you have any annoying habits that he tolerates? Or is it all one sided?

I'm sure I do have annoying habits! My being a planner annoys him sometimes 🙂

So you don’t know what annoys him

perhaps he doesn’t know what annoys you

talk to each other!

To put this in terms of old sayings, "Why, yes, you can teach an old dog new tricks, but NOT if you reward him for NOT doing them." In other words, tell him very kindly (and not in these words, for goodness' sake) that a failure to plan on his part does not constitute an emergency on your part
Yes, yes, yes!

I wouldn't be adverse to using those words either if it was a habitual issue and I'd already raised it as an issue.

Too often some men are fine at work but at home are apparently incapable of doing anything or arranging anything without expecting their partner picking up the slack or jumping to fix every oversight.

@Villssev of course we annoy one another and make it known FGS

not going to reply to any more of your comments unless constructive

I agree to a degree @LolaSmiles he is definitely not simply incapable

i think it's annoying if one of you is very organise and the other is not but then I also know a lot of couples where that is the case - maybe we function better where one plans more and the other is more laid back (there are advantages to this as well)

Literally the only thing I have said is

I would completely have done the same in your shoes married to someone that irritates me, often inconveniences me with his thoughtlessness and calls me controlling and a micro manager when I raise it with me

but for some reason…you have not digested it well 🤷‍♀️

Could he have ADHD without being aware of it ? My son who is like has been diagnosed with ADHD.

Totally agree!

My sons have never been late for work/school/appointments/meet ups. 99% of the (rude) people I know who consistently run late and/or are totally disorganised are women.

But any excuse to bash men on this site, right?

Would he have stayed over if there was a bf living there? I doubt it.

I think your H has a problem where he sees women as people who are on earth to give him attention (each little self-inflicted crisis results in attention, no? - and who wouldn't like some attention after arguing back and forth about money for an hour with your partner) or to solve his problems - the train, the inability to catch a taxi or Uber.

Grown ups don't engage in this kind of behaviour. It's deeply immature and there's a problematic attitude toward women behind it, whether it's done for female attention or because it tickles him to believe he has a fleet of female PAs at his beck and call, or for both reasons.

He could well have ADHD. I don't know enough about it but the fact is he isn't the kind of person who would look into the possibility even if it would make his / our lives easier. He'd dismiss it.

DD might not have suggested he stay at their house if her mum has a boyfriend or maybe she asked her first. I don't know. She certainly doesn't do things for him regularly though so I don't think he generally expects her or women to do things for him. Just me!

I think we are both getting better or at least trying.