To think DH needs to plan better or deal with the consequences

[BluetheBear]

My DH can be a bit disorganised and lack planning. He is intelligent and has a professional job, which requires him to use his brain and his diary, but at home he just seems to fail to think ahead.

An example today is he worked this morning from home, has the afternoon off and is going out with work colleagues later. His daughter (20) lives near where he works so he planned to meet her at 2pm this afternoon for lunch.

I am home as I don't work Fridays and have a toddler at home who is napping. I'm in the room with toddler while he is asleep just reading a book.

DH asked at about 1:30 if I could give him a lift to the train station. I said yes when child wakes up. No time discussed except he did ask how long child would sleep and I said hopefully another half hour to an hour. I said I could take him on the way to the supermarket. He said ok.

DH rushes into the room quite stressed at 1:45 saying he needs to get to the train station for 2:15 and can I give him a lift and get him there. I hesitated as he seemed so stressed and sometimes he gets annoyed if I say no to things. He did acknowledge he was wrong to have not checked train times earlier as it will take him over an hour to get there. We don't live in a city so it's two trains he needs. I said well child is asleep and I still need to feed him before we go.

He was fine with it and has called a taxi but it seems the taxi is taking it's time and I feel bad that he might not get to see DSD but also can't deal with how everything is always last minute. It's 2pm now and child is asleep so I'd have to put sleeping child into the car, drive to the station, then drive back home and feed him before going out again to the supermarket. It's not the end of the world but I can't imagine not looking at train times until half an hour before I'm supposed to be meeting someone and I know it's an hour away!

I have ADHD. I also have Moonpig, thousands of calendar reminders, multiple alarms, and I hyperfocus on things that are real deadlines.

Things like Mother's Day are REAL deadlines to me because no one else does my adulting for me.

And I don't get angry when the service bot malfunctions because I'd be single if I treated DH like that.

@mathanxiety Yes he acknowledged yesterday that he should have planned the travel sooner. When he called last night, no I didn't hang up on him - why would I when he'd just called to tell me what was going on?

He got a train in the morning and got a taxi home.

I do think I need to detach a bit and help less

Still would be interested to know how often he sees his DD and whether you get on with her op?

I’m guessing the marriage isn’t all that rosy even this issue aside

...last night he called when he didn't know where to get a taxi home - what was this about?

He wasn't telling you what was going on. He was asking you to figure out how to get a taxi surely? Or angling for a lift?

I do get along with DSD. See her less as she is away at uni. Maybe once a month but she stayed with us most weekends up to a few years ago.

The reason DH saw her alone yesterday was he had something on in the city she's currently living.

How old is he? How long have you been together? As I say, you seemed quite surprised by the turn of events re the train, so… he’s always been like this or not?

So he had to cancel lunch with DD?

@Villssev Are you on the road to suggesting I'm a bad step mum because I didn't jump to give DH a lift? She is 20 and I've been with DH since she was about 3. He did meet her, just later. He then went home to her mother's with her after missing the last train home.

I was surprised in that he said he was sorted and didn't need the car as he was getting the train (without my help) but then suddenly he said he was due to meet her pretty soon and needed to get a train asap. He's not great at planning. I don't think I'm being inconsistent. I think you're deliberately not understanding what I've said.

He is mid-40s

A good strong marriage of 2 decades where the husband has always struggled with planning but otherwise a loving and supportive and hands on husband and father

I wouldn’t think twice about waking the toddler to take him to the train for an infrequent lunch with his student daughter

but it is quite clear that your marriage isn’t as above. You don’t seem to like him let alone love him. And an hour long argument about money doesn’t bode well either( (plus I imagine since that argument he’s spent a fortune with trains, taxi, accom, food out!). So in your shoes, married to someone I don’t seem to really like and marriage not in a good place… then no, I wouldn’t wake toddler

So he met DD and then went home with her, so didn’t go out with work colleagues?

@Villssev If you would have given your DH a lift I think that's fine. I think it's reasonable that I get frustrated with his lack of planning as I'm a very organised person. It doesn't mean we don't love each other so not sure why you made that jump! No accommodation costs as he stayed at his daughter's mother's house, got the train there and back as planned and spent about £5 each way to the local train station. I don't think you're going to find what you're looking for here.

He pitched up expecting to stay at his daughter’s mother’s house? Christ. I bet she counts her lucky stars she’s no longer dealing with the useless dope on a daily basis.

I’m sorry, OP. He sounds a bit of a dud.

He's not a dud but he does need to plan better. I was actually pleased he took some responsibility yesterday and it makes me wonder if he'll think ahead next time.

I think daughter suggested staying at their house but that doesn't happen often at all.

It's easier to plan ahead when you only have one thing to do though. I was brilliant at this. Now with a full time job, caring responsibilities, exhaustion, living between three different houses, (caring not a celebrity!), working from home and the office and a client base it is much, much harder. Things slip, you get distracted, you forget things, other people aren't reliable. This year has been shit and I've not got a single greetings card out on time.

I also don't like the casual sexism of all men are useless and can't plan ahead. Not true. A previous job I was the only woman - success relied on managing long term projects with multiple strands and the men were very, very good at it.

What am I looking for?

I am saying In your shoes I would not have woken my toddler!

why?…

I'm not scared of him but he makes a big deal and it's not nice if he decides it's my fault and I'm just being selfish. He can be like that sometimes!

I think if it was a one off then I wouldn't mind but he often does things like this and then I'm inconvenienced.

more often than not he was behave like you’re micromanaging and controlling

“we’d been arguing for an hour over money**

I only raised how much he might have spent on taxis, trains, lunch out and the. Going out with work colleagues because you’d mentioned arguing for an hour about money

next time he says ‘I know when my daughters birthday is’ or something similarly dismissive when you’ve pointed out something needs doing, hold up your phone and say pk say that again. Record as a text. He says it then you say ok that was Dh dismissing my suggestion so he doesn’t need help and can do it on his own. I’m not the last minute errand runner so he definitely won’t ask me the day before. Send it to him. Suggest he replays it if he does ask you.

@Villssev The argument about money wasn't actually anything to do with the money he had spent.

@pinkySilver What is your point? I don't think any sexism has come from me so I'm assuming that is directed elsewhere. In terms of it being easier to be organised if you have nothing else to do but I have a demanding job and do at least as much house work as he does and more childcare. I have a more demanding job. It's no easier for me to be organised than he is. It's also not fair for me to carry the full mental load just because I'm female but that's how it seems to be!

(For some people)

No I got that. You were arguing about money for an hour completely unrelated to this particular source of tension. Hence why I mentioned re my point re totally reasonable to not wake your toddler if you are fundamentally in a marriage where he irritates you and frustrated you for many years and he gets defensive and calls you controlling

Op you already know you’re enabling his behaviour. And at the same time, you feel bad if you don’t!? 🤷‍♀️ If you simply stop, he might just get his act together.

It would be more useful if you stay out of his plans altogether and just ask him what arrangements he’s made just to check they’re feasible.

@@BluetheBear·I didn't make a comment about you. There were sexist comments including something about men or boys only being able to think 20 minutes ahead. But the general tone was that the poor women who do it all and have to put up with useless men are justified in their righteousness. No specific posters - but that's the tone.

And again I made a general point, (referencing my own ability to plan), and made no comment about you OP.

Your DH is your DH - and that's what your post was about. The discussion widened out - as discussions do.

The whole cards and presents thing for his family you have to stop. I told my other half from day 1 I wouldn't be doing them. If he forgets then they don't get anything, simple as. Not my responsibility.