To think DH needs to plan better or deal with the consequences

[BluetheBear]

My DH can be a bit disorganised and lack planning. He is intelligent and has a professional job, which requires him to use his brain and his diary, but at home he just seems to fail to think ahead.

An example today is he worked this morning from home, has the afternoon off and is going out with work colleagues later. His daughter (20) lives near where he works so he planned to meet her at 2pm this afternoon for lunch.

I am home as I don't work Fridays and have a toddler at home who is napping. I'm in the room with toddler while he is asleep just reading a book.

DH asked at about 1:30 if I could give him a lift to the train station. I said yes when child wakes up. No time discussed except he did ask how long child would sleep and I said hopefully another half hour to an hour. I said I could take him on the way to the supermarket. He said ok.

DH rushes into the room quite stressed at 1:45 saying he needs to get to the train station for 2:15 and can I give him a lift and get him there. I hesitated as he seemed so stressed and sometimes he gets annoyed if I say no to things. He did acknowledge he was wrong to have not checked train times earlier as it will take him over an hour to get there. We don't live in a city so it's two trains he needs. I said well child is asleep and I still need to feed him before we go.

He was fine with it and has called a taxi but it seems the taxi is taking it's time and I feel bad that he might not get to see DSD but also can't deal with how everything is always last minute. It's 2pm now and child is asleep so I'd have to put sleeping child into the car, drive to the station, then drive back home and feed him before going out again to the supermarket. It's not the end of the world but I can't imagine not looking at train times until half an hour before I'm supposed to be meeting someone and I know it's an hour away!

He sounds frankly, a bit useless. I bet he manages to sort his shit out at work.

This is a bit worrying, though:

I hesitated as he seemed so stressed and sometimes he gets annoyed if I say no to things

Agree that he needs to feel the full consequences of his inability to plan. If you solve it for him then what's the incentive to get it right next time?

I wouldn't have woken a toddler to give him a lift.

The consequences also include him rushing around being stressed during a calm time for you, and you carrying on worrying about this whole issue. They also affect his SD and his mum, I see.

I'm another recovering disorganised person. I have changed over the years and I find it difficult to work out how it happened, but I know that I read somewhere years ago that habitually late people are optimistic about how long things will take. It might be that simple. I know that I read on here that people who are on time feel disrespected by people wasting their time being late, and although I hated being late, I'd still never quite 'seen' that until I saw it written down.

It could also be sexism. If he plans better at work, are his colleagues/boss male?

Yes I think you should let him take the consequences. But because it affects you and your environment and your child, I think you should take to him about it. Tell him it was unsettling today and it's hard to get it out of your mind. Ask him to explain his planning.

Next time you are going somewhere, talk through your planning process out loud - 'get there at 2, well, whats the train before, the 1.40, hmm the connection leaves here at 1.10, ten minutes' walk to the station, call it 15 so I don't have to rush, ok out the door 1255, better get ready at 1230'.

If I'm going somewhere or were going somewhere together I am a planner. I'll check train times or google maps to see how long it will take and make sure he knows the plan.

Yes he said at 1:30 or 1:45 (I can't remember- whatever I said above) that he was meeting her at 2 so he was already late. He sometimes won't think ahead if he is working as he will say he can only concentrate on one thing but life requires more planning than this.

To Pp who said I keep stepping in. To a degree I do but I am getting better at not doing so. I didn't today. If it affects others like MIL or DSD then I feel bad. I don't want him or his DD to miss out on seeing one another and I do often end up going over and above and then sometimes resent it.

Today though it was fine as he left and sorted it. More often he will act like I'm being selfish for not helping and it becomes an argument. I was surprised it didn't go that way. Maybe he is learning. I doubt it though!

He's not home yet and we haven't spoken so I don't know whether he got the train!

Thank you for all the replies!

I did second guess myself as to whether I was being selfish by not just putting the toddler in the car to take him.

Out of interest, is the toddler his or from a previous relationship? Only ask because if his, and he doesn’t know how long nap time is, or when toddler needs feeding, sounds like he could be leaving too much up to you to deal with

Deffo, let him deal with it.

We (mothers) all struggled with organizing the demands of parenthood when we were first dropped into it, because wrangling little kids is hard, but we got on with it and learned how to think ahead, plan backwards in your head, think in terms of meals and naps and work around these things, and so on. Your husband has probably been slower to learn because you (like so many of us) have probably been rescuing him a bit too often! Let him get dropped in the shit, he’ll learn. We all did!

Some things to consider (from someone similarly afflicted)
He does get stressed but it looks worse to an outsider as your using his sticatto talk n flying arms as a gauge. He's much calmer inside but it can look alarming.
He doesn't expect you to bail him out, but he'll ask coz you might.
If you do help it mustvbe free help. He'll likely be nice to you another time coz he loves you, but he doesn't want you to tell him the baby will cry/daughterr will wonder where he is...he knows. Either help or don't
He's quite OK with you opting out and leaving him to it. He won't hold it against you.
It won't teach him a lesson. This is how he is
You cannot change another person's behavior. Just don't let it affect you. Learn to switch off.

He's quite OK with you opting out and leaving him to it. He won't hold it against you.

You might be. He clearly is not - read what the OP has written about him getting angry and saying she is selfish for not helping.

Your DH needs to take responsibility for sending his mum cards. He could easily have done the Moonpig order, I’m guessing it took a matter of minutes.

OP, if he can be a functional adult in the workplace; he can be one at home.

You need to turn that around on him.

His lack of forethought is the selfish element here.

He gets to simply not engage his brain but then dumps his problems in your lap with no thought to how that ends up inconveniencing you.

It's selfish to be so lazy and it's self centered to assume you're there to pick up the pieces for him.

Calmly react the same way, should it happens again.
Over time DH will understand more about planning and also that calling you selfish gets him no where.

Massively disrespectful of his DD's time and to you

I would say dont rescue him and let him work it out. Up to him if he learns or not.

I am ND confirmed autistic and suspected ADHD and am not naturally organised. It takes a lot of effort for me to get things right but i do. I am so fed up of hearing of men who do nothing to help themselves leaving others to solve the problems they cause.

My DH is the same. I caught myself last weekend rescuing him because he has very little concept of time. If I’d said nothing he would have been over an hour late. I let this happen most of the time but sometimes can’t help but wade in.

It’s why I do all of the life admin at home. Don’t want to. But the bills simply wouldn’t be paid of I left him to it. Nothing would get done! It’s really annoying as I work too, and do most of the child-rearing.

Agree with this. This is a non issue, he didnt ask in advance, baby sleeping, you just say no. That you are worried enough to make a thread is worrying.

“I remember hearing on some TV show, the mum said "boys can only see 20 mins into the future" and it's something I quote to my husband all the time.”

^ This is BS male propaganda. I have two sons. They are entirely capable of planning ahead, looking up train/bus times and getting themselves ready so as not to be late. They understand how annoying and disrespectful it is to be late for things. And also that unforeseen things can happen that mean having a few extra minutes to hand is a good idea. Being late = bad planning. It’s not “because they’re male and biologically incapable of planning/being able to see into the future” 🙄

If I was happy to give a lift to the station, I would have woken the toddler. If you had an older child to pick up from school, you wouldn't leave them waiting at the gate cos toddler was still sleeping

I wouldn't get a mothers day card for MIL. he's a grown adult and should do that himself

H's wilful refusal to organise himself isn't your problem.
THIS is your problem -
I hesitated as he seemed so stressed and sometimes he gets annoyed if I say no to things.

Can you say more about how he expresses that annoyance, how frequently, & how much it makes you change your own behaviour or plans?

Excuse me OP am only on page 1 yet have seen you mention how bad you feel about him running late 3 times.

Most people wouldn't feel bad about somebody else's disorganisation.
Irritated, frustrated, sorry for his DD who will be kept waiting for no reason - yes.
But bad?

How much of this bad feeling is connected to him getting annoyed if I say no to things? ie if you don't step in & compensate for his lack of planning by fixing it for him?

I read somewhere years ago habitually late people are optimistic about how long things will take.

Yes, this used to be me absolutely. I was terribly disorganised and regularly very late to meet friends. I was fine to do something like go to work because that was something I could plan for. Be in front of the tv at 6.30. Eat breakfast. Walk the dog for eg 1/2 hour. Leave at x time to arrive by y time.

The only thing, which cured me was a having dd. Her sleep was all over the place and I was a mess. The neighbour suggested Gina Ford, which gave minute by minute instructions. I followed them to the letter. Dd thrived on a strict routine and so did I because life became relatively predictable.

I know people have said to leave your dh to work it out for himself. For me, this is leaving him to ‘adult’ but it’s also leaving the status quo, which is causing conflict. Personally I would have appreciated having a lesson in how to make routines. The one for your dh would have looked a bit like this to work for me:

Plans made, Ask Blue for lift on the day plans are made. Agree a time to leave to get to the station for say a 12.50 train.
12.00 stop work
12.05 get changed
12.15 check wallet and phone
12.20 put shoes and coat on
12.25 get baby in car seat
12.30 leave house

Idk if this is something your dh would be willing to think about?

A child waiting to be picked up is a regular, predictable event that OP would already know was her responsibility. (I would bet my arse that it's never her DH's ....)

OP, knowing that, would be timing her younger child's nap so as not to interfere with the school pick up.

It's not remotely comparable to a grown man who can't look up a train schedule, or predict that leaving for a 2pm appointment at 1.30 when your travel time is over an hour is going to make you very late.

i wonder why you didnt discuss with him when he wanted the lift, or he you?
yet you knew his plans?
you said after the nap,
like its a moveable event?

Arranges to meet at 2pm, takes over an hour to get there, and he's still at home at 1.45?

His poor daughter. Shows how much he values going to see her.