Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH needs to plan better or deal with the consequences

205 replies

BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 14:01

My DH can be a bit disorganised and lack planning. He is intelligent and has a professional job, which requires him to use his brain and his diary, but at home he just seems to fail to think ahead.

An example today is he worked this morning from home, has the afternoon off and is going out with work colleagues later. His daughter (20) lives near where he works so he planned to meet her at 2pm this afternoon for lunch.

I am home as I don't work Fridays and have a toddler at home who is napping. I'm in the room with toddler while he is asleep just reading a book.

DH asked at about 1:30 if I could give him a lift to the train station. I said yes when child wakes up. No time discussed except he did ask how long child would sleep and I said hopefully another half hour to an hour. I said I could take him on the way to the supermarket. He said ok.

DH rushes into the room quite stressed at 1:45 saying he needs to get to the train station for 2:15 and can I give him a lift and get him there. I hesitated as he seemed so stressed and sometimes he gets annoyed if I say no to things. He did acknowledge he was wrong to have not checked train times earlier as it will take him over an hour to get there. We don't live in a city so it's two trains he needs. I said well child is asleep and I still need to feed him before we go.

He was fine with it and has called a taxi but it seems the taxi is taking it's time and I feel bad that he might not get to see DSD but also can't deal with how everything is always last minute. It's 2pm now and child is asleep so I'd have to put sleeping child into the car, drive to the station, then drive back home and feed him before going out again to the supermarket. It's not the end of the world but I can't imagine not looking at train times until half an hour before I'm supposed to be meeting someone and I know it's an hour away!

OP posts:
bussteward · 25/03/2023 08:19

DP is a bit like this with planning as he has ADHD (not saying this applies here!) – medication helps but what really helps is he recognises he is like this and takes responsibility for it and puts the effort in to combat his worst tendencies. He would know if he’s working in the morning he wouldn’t be able to multitask and look up the train times, book a taxi and make a plan (note: he’d know what time the toddler napped!), so he’d faff about talking about it for days going over and over the same information look up the train a few days beforehand, put it in his phone as an alarm, look up a taxi number, etc, all during times when he can focus on that. He’d still be running around with his bum on fire seconds before the taxi arrived but he’d be on time for the lunch. His birthday cards to family are always late but he does do them.

Practice saying “I don’t know, what do you think?”, shrugging, “I dunno”, “not right now” and other vague, slightly obstructive responses. You’re not actually being obstructive because you’re protecting you and your time. Someone will be along to tell me this is awful and it’s a marriage and why wouldn’t I help my partner out? But I, like I imagine OP did, bargained on parenting my children and looking after my own needs, plus having a give and take relationship, not “parenting my children and putting my needs second to constantly parent an adult who’s capable of ordering a taxi or buying a card or a million and one other things”. The only way to stop the pattern is to refuse to participate: to shrug and dunno the stupid requests and the lack of planning. If he came to you in advance and asked for a lift, you can say “Yes, it’s during nap time so we need to set off at X o’clock for toddler to fall asleep in the car and I won’t set off later than that, he’ll have a cot nap instead and you’ll have to sort yourself out”. If he comes to you last minute like this, tough. You have plans! A book and a napping child IS a plan.

Badbadbunny · 25/03/2023 08:25

@Connected1

I remember hearing on some TV show, the mum said "boys can only see 20 mins into the future" and it's something I quote to my husband all the time.

Some boys are like that, but so are some girls, so not really true.

My DH is a planner in the extreme and he gets stressed/anxious about even small and irrelevant things. Planning something like a holiday or a day out is a nightmare because he plans for every eventuality. We always, literally always, arrive early because he's planned for all kinds of unlikely disasters! We have a sat nav in the car, but he also has printouts from google maps "just in case", and he also plots alternative routes through one of those large car road maps! Same with trains or buses, we never get the one that gets us there in time, we get the one before that (just in case the later one is cancelled or running late). We've got a mini survival kit in the car, drinks, snacks, blankets, torches, spare clothes, tool box, etc. For Christmas or birthdays, he's always bought his presents, literally, months ahead, so there's no opportunity for anyone to make a suggestion closer to the occasion as they're all bought and wrapped! He spends hours on google before we go anywhere to look at, say, a plan of an attraction like a zoo, looking at pictures/videos of it, so that he can "route march" us round it in an efficient manner, planning the optimum route so that we arrive at the food court/cafe around the "right" time for lunch, etc. There's no scope at all for any spontaneity. If he's going to do some DIY, he buys every conceivable tool and material he may need and then takes/sends most of it back unused (of course he checks the returns policy before he orders anything online to make sure he can return it freepost! - he'd never get caught out buying something that he couldn't return or would cost him postage!).

DS is the same. He did his homework on the day it was set, not the night before it was due so was never late with handing anything in, never got a bad score in a test because he'd forgotten to revise, etc. He's always on apps "planning" journeys, planning his day trips to away football matches, etc. - if the journey looks difficult or connections etc are tight, he'll decide not to bother going. He must have picked it up from DH.

'm pretty well organised, but DH and DS are on a different scale of pre-planning, worst case scenario planning, etc. Of course, it means things aren't forgotten, mistakes aren't made, etc., but, by God, it's exhausting living with them, and their constant "withdrawing into their shells" as they concentrate on the minute detail of whatever future event they're obsessing about!

ssd · 25/03/2023 08:32

@BaBadbadbunny , that sounds outside the normal levels of planning. They both sound extremely anxious. It must be exhausting.

Op, it sounds like your dh bullies you. Thats more of a worry than his lateness. Although i felt bad for his dd waiting ages for him.

BibbleandSqwauk · 25/03/2023 08:32

@Crumpetdisappointment surely it was HIS responsibility to discuss with her the actual details? So when op responded, "after nap, maybe half an hour' (which still would have been too late anyway) that was the point for him to say something about when he was meant to be there etc. It's his trip. Otherwise it's putting the onus on the op to figure it all out for him.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 25/03/2023 08:36

As long as he didn't blame you to dsd for not giving him a lift....

2bazookas · 25/03/2023 08:38

If you keep bailing him out of self-induced problems he has zero incentive to change.

Don't be his enabler; he's got a lot of fathering ahead for your child.

Bearpawk · 25/03/2023 08:45

No, not your problem. My dp is the same with regards to home life.

I stopped sorting his DN / DN birthday gifts and now they receive something from Amazon 2 days late every year as apparently that's all he can manage. Not my circus.

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 08:48

very strange
no discussion beforehand.
surely you anticipated he would have wanted a lift?
did you not discuss his plans? or are you oblivious to them?

DoodleDig · 25/03/2023 08:49

The sentence that jumped out to me is 'sometimes he gets annoyed when I say no to things'.
So you have a grown man who frequently can't organise himself, doesn't have a clue about the intricacies of looking after a young toddler and he takes his crapness out on you.
He needs to be told no a lot more often. Maybe he'll grow up then.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 25/03/2023 08:50

Look at all the time and energy you invested in getting out of doing him a favour? Probs way more than:

Just put the toddler in the car, drive him, gently chide him for lack of organisation, drive back and enjoy the rest of your day.

It's called a partnership. He wanted a lift, not a kidney.

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 08:51

CinnamonJellyBeans · 25/03/2023 08:50

Look at all the time and energy you invested in getting out of doing him a favour? Probs way more than:

Just put the toddler in the car, drive him, gently chide him for lack of organisation, drive back and enjoy the rest of your day.

It's called a partnership. He wanted a lift, not a kidney.

exactly

Antiquiteas · 25/03/2023 08:55

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 08:48

very strange
no discussion beforehand.
surely you anticipated he would have wanted a lift?
did you not discuss his plans? or are you oblivious to them?

😆

FrankandWalters · 25/03/2023 09:00

His lack of organisation is not your emergency, but I’m more concerned that you seem apprehensive at his responses to your failure to solve his self-crested problems?

CandidaAlbicans2 · 25/03/2023 09:00

To Pp who said I keep stepping in. To a degree I do but I am getting better at not doing so. I didn't today. If it affects others like MIL or DSD then I feel bad.

@BluetheBear I can understand why you'd feel bad for them, it's called empathy. However, you've made a rod for your own back by bailing your DH out in the past. Could you tell him you will no longer be arranging cards for his Mum etc if he forgets, then let his Mum know you've been saving his arse (I bet for years?) and you're leaving him to learn to do it himself. If he forgets her you can always secretly give her a call to give your birthday or mothers' day wishes so you feel better. But the onus is on him. I've heard people learn best when allowed to make mistakes as we tend to remember feeling uncomfortable when we fail. Let him fail

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 09:01

CinnamonJellyBeans · 25/03/2023 08:50

Look at all the time and energy you invested in getting out of doing him a favour? Probs way more than:

Just put the toddler in the car, drive him, gently chide him for lack of organisation, drive back and enjoy the rest of your day.

It's called a partnership. He wanted a lift, not a kidney.

Partenrship doesn't mean some disorganised bloke dumping all the consequences of his uselessness on his wife & expecting her to suck it up.

Of OP continues to meekly acquiesce to his demands, all she will get is more demands.

If she starts taking a stand by simply refusing, the demands will eventually decrease.

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 09:02

Of OP continues to meekly acquiesce to his demands, all she will get is more demands.

If she starts taking a stand by simply refusing, the demands will eventually decrease.

but that is quite an unfriendly relationship

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 09:04

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 08:48

very strange
no discussion beforehand.
surely you anticipated he would have wanted a lift?
did you not discuss his plans? or are you oblivious to them?

😂The dickpandering on this thread is something else.

Grown man makes arrangement to see his daughter.
Grown man does not ask for a lift.
PP: "why didn't you anticipate & organise a lift for him, like he is 10 years old?!"

did you not discuss his plans? or are you oblivious to them?
Do you mean like this man is oblivious to his own child's regular naptime?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 09:05

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 09:02

Of OP continues to meekly acquiesce to his demands, all she will get is more demands.

If she starts taking a stand by simply refusing, the demands will eventually decrease.

but that is quite an unfriendly relationship

Oh give over. Your internalised misogyny is showing.

underneaththeash · 25/03/2023 09:05

My DH is the same, probably slightly my fault, but I used to remind him about EVERYTHING, until he forgot to even mention to me a couple of things that really impacted me and then wouldn't change his plans.

So, yesterday, I had to see a couple of patients and then was going into London. Apparently, DH had a meeting in Cardiff which he'd forgotten to mention, but as we have a dog (which is his responsibility), he couldn't go.

bussteward · 25/03/2023 09:06

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 08:48

very strange
no discussion beforehand.
surely you anticipated he would have wanted a lift?
did you not discuss his plans? or are you oblivious to them?

Why would she anticipate his needs, or raise them for discussion? He’s an adult, not a toddler.

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 09:07

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 09:05

Oh give over. Your internalised misogyny is showing.

er, no your's is
you sound like a man hater
what the fuck is an internalised misogyny anyway?

do what you like in your relationship - a bit of give and take never hurt anyone

Callmenat · 25/03/2023 09:08

Give the guy a break. Might be you who messes up and needs a helping hand next time. Jesus, hardly the end of the world. Nothing like a bit of teamwork!

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 09:09

didnt the op know she would have to take him @bussteward
he had plans
presumably involving alcohol
i think its weird that families do not have discussions

ImAvingOops · 25/03/2023 09:09

"She should have raised her son to give a shit if it matters to her."

See, this attitude pisses me off. She probably did raise him to give a shit - as much as it isn't the OP's responsibility to bail him out, it also isn't his mum's responsibility if he's grown up to be thoughtless or selfish. Sometimes people just are, even when they've been brought up well!

Women aren't responsible for how grown men behave - not wives, not mils. It's nice that OP sent her a card - it's the difference between mil having a nice birthday where she felt cared for and not!

Pandyluna · 25/03/2023 09:10

Crumpetdisappointment · 25/03/2023 09:07

er, no your's is
you sound like a man hater
what the fuck is an internalised misogyny anyway?

do what you like in your relationship - a bit of give and take never hurt anyone

Give and take is fine but this man sounds all take. I doubt OP runs up stressed about not being organised and her husband has to sort it! There’s partnership and healthy doing things for each other, and then it just going one way which is pretty crap - maybe you accept that in life but i and others certainly don’t