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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS would be better off getting a job rather than going to uni

366 replies

Goinganon321 · 24/03/2023 01:04

My son wants to go to uni but has no idea what to study. 75% of his cohort (non-selective state school) usually apply and go and he says it’s the norm.

He is taking English, Spanish and Sociology for A level (so no STEM) and will probably be predicted BBB. He does the bare minimum for his A-levels (no super-curricular stuff at all) so I question why he wants to go to uni.

AIBU to say he should take a year out, work and think about it? He says I am because working shifts in Maccy D’s for a year won’t change a thing and most of his friends don’t have a clue what they want to do for a career so are just choosing a degree related to their ‘best subject’ at A-level. Difference is that most of them are doing at least one STEM subject! DS doing a degree in humanities or Spanish not so useful in this day and age.

On the other hand, having him resentfully living here and working shifts for a year while all his (equally undecided) friends are at uni isn’t exactly an attractive prospect either…. Help!

OP posts:
UnicornRidge · 24/03/2023 02:05

Contrary to popular belief on MN, I think you are being very reasonable and I will ask my children to do the same if they have no idea what they want to do at uni and the degree is unlikely to give them a leg up in life.

Too many of my friends from school did a non-STEM without a career path. They are now heavily in debt and doing a job that they could have done without a degree. There are many other jobs they could have done straight out of uni. They could have learnt a trade, they could have done their accountancy exam and qualify sooner without the debt.

Phoebo · 24/03/2023 02:08

Agree with doing something useful, just not working at McDonald's unless he wants to go down that route (McDonald's in itself is good as they have great training schemes and that can lead to good career paths too)

Original poster
Goinganon321 · 24/03/2023 02:08

Onthenosecco · 24/03/2023 01:59

Views aren’t “strange” just because they differ from yours.

I personally think it’s nuts to talk a kid out of going to uni in favour of getting a job in McDonald’s, and I’d be really hurt if my mum felt that was a more appropriate path for me; despite my motivations for going to uni.

What serious harm can possibly come out of him going to uni? None.

What harm can shelving uni and going to McDonald’s do? Lots. It tells your son that he can’t be trusted to make decisions. It tells your son that his happiness doesn’t matter. And so on.

Show quote history

I am not talking him out of going to uni! But I want him to go because he wants to study a subject that he is enthused by - not just because he wants to party or fill time. Uni drop out rates are at an all time high! A year out working may help him mature, gain perspective and evaluate what he wants from a degree. That, and that alone, is my motivation here

OP posts:
custardbear · 24/03/2023 02:09

Well if I'd gone to uni at 18 I'd have sone languages. I went at 23 in the end, and did biochemistry to PhD level and now work in research. I'm not sure which would have been better to be honest.
I would say it was quite a drag working for 5 years before changing to go back to education though.
Perhaps he needs sone support with career aspirations to think things through as to what he wants to actually do in life

Phoebo · 24/03/2023 02:10

Goinganon321 · 24/03/2023 02:08

I am not talking him out of going to uni! But I want him to go because he wants to study a subject that he is enthused by - not just because he wants to party or fill time. Uni drop out rates are at an all time high! A year out working may help him mature, gain perspective and evaluate what he wants from a degree. That, and that alone, is my motivation here

Show quote history

Then do that then, that's also perfectly valid. Other people have different views and experiences 🤷‍♀️

snitzelvoncrumb · 24/03/2023 02:13

It’s a tricky one. At his age he will have no idea how much debt he is going to get into. I agree it’s pointless to do a degree just so he can have the experience, because he will likely change once he does know what he wants to do. I suggest letting him go, but let him work part time to fill the gap between the loan money and what he needs to live on. He will quickly realise it’s not all fun and games. You can always change your mind and help out more once he knows what he wants to do. This way you aren’t funding him to socialise. Do you think he will actually do the work and pass the subjects?

Original poster
Goinganon321 · 24/03/2023 02:13

my son’s motivations for going to uni are a) most of my friends are applying b) I want a fun student life even though I don’t enjoy studying and can’t pick a subject. Good motivations I think not! A year out to mature and reflect is needed IMHO. I hope he will then go

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 24/03/2023 02:16

Then let him fund it. You are right. Have you suggested he travel for a year. Get a job overseas?

katiisa · 24/03/2023 02:17

Absolutely not!! He needs to move away, go to uni and figure out his own path. He will be exposed to new subjects, new thinking and make different types of friends. He can work part time, get student loans and learn how to budget and manage money. It's a period of growth and it would be a real shame to deny him of that!

Coyoacan · 24/03/2023 02:18

I have a humanities degree and it has been very useful to me for work

Original poster
Goinganon321 · 24/03/2023 02:24

It's a period of growth and it would be a real shame to deny him of that!

I am not denying him of that! I just want him to take one year out as he has no idea what he wants to study at Uni and just wants to go coz it will be fun and all his friends are. Are ppl not reading my posts?

OP posts:
UnicornRidge · 24/03/2023 02:25

Onthenosecco · 24/03/2023 01:59

Views aren’t “strange” just because they differ from yours.

I personally think it’s nuts to talk a kid out of going to uni in favour of getting a job in McDonald’s, and I’d be really hurt if my mum felt that was a more appropriate path for me; despite my motivations for going to uni.

What serious harm can possibly come out of him going to uni? None.

What harm can shelving uni and going to McDonald’s do? Lots. It tells your son that he can’t be trusted to make decisions. It tells your son that his happiness doesn’t matter. And so on.

Show quote history

Lots of harm going to an average uni, doing a course you have no interest in and does not lead to a career:

  1. Debt if he is taking a student loan, wasting OP's retirement fund if he was not. Worse, risk of dropping out. I know too many people who have dropped out of a course they had no interest in.
  1. Losing 3 year of valuable work experience. Within 3 year, he could be qualified in a trade. He could have developed an interest and work towards it.
  1. Using uni to procrastinate facing the real world. The "student experience" is not an excuse to go to university. He will still have no idea on what to do in life and go back to square one after graduation.
Original poster
Goinganon321 · 24/03/2023 02:26

I had no idea that taking a year out to make up one’s mind on which subject to study at uni - rather than just go for the fun- would be so controversial. Amazed. Night all

OP posts:
Original poster
Goinganon321 · 24/03/2023 02:30

Thank you @UnicornRidge. This thread been bizarre. Note to self : do not post on MN in early hours!

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 24/03/2023 02:35

If your son wants to go to college, let him. Do you know how many parents would love their children to want to continue their education?

So what he doesn’t know yet what to focus on? Most don’t. He will get a taste of things and will narrow his interests. Goodness, support his commendable goals.

MysteryBelle · 24/03/2023 02:37

Trying to understand why you’d rather your son work at McDonald’s instead of going to college…🤯

MysteryBelle · 24/03/2023 02:37

B I Z A R R E

TheLastofmySanity · 24/03/2023 02:39

He is 18. You can give him advice, but you can't make decisions for him. You decide what support you might or might not offer. He's adult, and has to make his own decisions.

Zinn · 24/03/2023 02:44

If he wants to go to uni but doesn't know what he wants to do why not take him to a careers advisor who might help him think about what career he might like and what degree might lead towards it?

Original poster
Goinganon321 · 24/03/2023 02:51

Zinn · 24/03/2023 02:44

If he wants to go to uni but doesn't know what he wants to do why not take him to a careers advisor who might help him think about what career he might like and what degree might lead towards it?

ofc we have done that! Paid for him to sit the Morrisby twice (age 15 and 17), three consultations with careers advisors (two via school one paid for by us). No clear steer as DS a generalist. All options (non STEM now due to A level choices) open. Nothing excites him - job in tourism top advice by Morrisby and careers service (prob coz he doing Spanish). No appeal whatsoever (and u don’t need a degree to do that anyway!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Goinganon321 · 24/03/2023 02:56

TheLastofmySanity · 24/03/2023 02:39

He is 18. You can give him advice, but you can't make decisions for him. You decide what support you might or might not offer. He's adult, and has to make his own decisions.

He is 16, not 18. In Year 12 with June birthday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goinganon321 · 24/03/2023 03:03

@zinn - typo 15 and 16 (not 17). Sat Morrisby last year to help choose A-levels and then again last month. Careers obvs narrowed coz no STEM A-levels

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Needmorelego · 24/03/2023 03:12

If he likes Spanish could he get a job as a holiday rep? (I assume they still exists). I would have thought whatever the modern equivalent of '18-30' holidays would be full of the social life similar to uni.

OldBaguette · 24/03/2023 03:15

I would give him space to decide. It's his life and his debt. The ideal student is passionate about their subject choice, but not all. Lots of people have successful careers having been unsure what to study and the pandemic has added to this as teens have been sheltered. Each of mine have made a decision I didn't really agree with but each were right in the end, for them.

Also, not having a STEM Subject isn't the end of the world!

Sandysandwich · 24/03/2023 03:16

I get why you are concerned, it would obviously be better to go with a clear subject choice with a career aim in mind.
But as the burden of the debt is quite low and he is at least motivated to go to uni, I would still encourage him to go and do whatever at uni for a year.

His current life has not given him any ideas or passions so maybe he will find one by being away. He will be surrounded by people doing different courses with different interests and part time jobs. He can always reapply after a year and go for something new.
There is nothing motivating about staying behind in your hometown doing a job that was supposed to be temporary, while all your friends have left to go have new experiences and a more 'adult' life. There is no reason he should suddenly find a new career aim doing that.

An extra year of student loans won't be awful to deal with. And he isn't getting left behind.
He is right, that an awful lot of students have no idea what they want to do, and unless you do a course that equips you for one job e.g. nursing or dentistry etc then that career aim can change throughout your degree.

Maybe he goes with spanish and enjoys it enough to stay, there are lots of jobs that languages are useful for, oor maybe he will mive to spain and find a job he wants to do there. Or maybe he will share a flat eith someone doing subjects he has never been exposed to before like law or forensics or whatever and go move into that.

Or maybe it will be a dead end for him, he will come out of it with no more career aims but he will have a degree, an experience that he wanted, independance and life skills.

Tbh most kids all the career advice that hes been put through and the pressure to have already decided on a career goal at 17 is also stressful, unrealistic and might have put too much pressure on him that making that kind of decision is hard. Kid is indecisive enough- at least he knows he wants to go to uni.