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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS would be better off getting a job rather than going to uni

366 replies

Goinganon321 · 24/03/2023 01:04

My son wants to go to uni but has no idea what to study. 75% of his cohort (non-selective state school) usually apply and go and he says it’s the norm.

He is taking English, Spanish and Sociology for A level (so no STEM) and will probably be predicted BBB. He does the bare minimum for his A-levels (no super-curricular stuff at all) so I question why he wants to go to uni.

AIBU to say he should take a year out, work and think about it? He says I am because working shifts in Maccy D’s for a year won’t change a thing and most of his friends don’t have a clue what they want to do for a career so are just choosing a degree related to their ‘best subject’ at A-level. Difference is that most of them are doing at least one STEM subject! DS doing a degree in humanities or Spanish not so useful in this day and age.

On the other hand, having him resentfully living here and working shifts for a year while all his (equally undecided) friends are at uni isn’t exactly an attractive prospect either…. Help!

OP posts:
Badbadbunny · 24/03/2023 07:40

This thread highlights why we have a shortage of trades people like plumbers, electricians, etc. All these kids with no particular interest in studying for a degree get swept along to the Uni "experience", get a low grade in a subject they're not interested in, and then end up in a job that doesn't "need" a degree, many earning so little they don't repay any of there huge student loans.

We really need to start encouraging our kids into the trades, yes, even if that means the little darlings get their hands dirty. It's where the money is now and is a job for life always in demand!

owiz · 24/03/2023 07:41

I'm sort of with you OP, except for the STEM comment which was odd.

I don't agree with going to uni unless you have a plan, it's just too expensive these days to go for the sake of it and a year off sounds sensible.

FancyFanny · 24/03/2023 07:42

I think going to uni for 'the experience' is a pretty valid one. It's fun, he'll learn a lot of new social skills, live independently from you, meet a wide range of people from different area and backgrounds, make lifelong friends, etc. none of which he would do by getting a job and living at home with you. And, he'll come out with a degree at the end of it and may have developed an interest in something which leads to a better career in the end. Yes, he'll have some debt, but he'll be able to pay that off in his own time.

Myneighbourskia · 24/03/2023 07:44

Well, I did a degree in Spanish and English. I work in public services and now earn 50 grand sterling which isn't earth shattering but I think I've done OK.

YearsOfStagnation · 24/03/2023 07:44

It’s perfectly reasonable to take a year out, work and travel and reapply with grades in the bag! In fact a year of maturing would be good.

My kids never wanted to take a gap year but I can see the positives.

Why does it have to be related to his A Levels? What about something like Politics? Does he have any interests at all?

The key here though is the decision has to come from him. Don’t push him.

I would discuss options for a year off in a positive way. Eg work in a ski chalet, or do a job here for four months then travel etc. A year in Caffè Nero would not have the same appeal.

YearsOfStagnation · 24/03/2023 07:45

I have a kid doing Humanities at a RG uni. Barely any contact hours so plenty of time for a job. 🙄

Enko · 24/03/2023 07:45

Working for a year in your way of looking at it will somehow suddenly gain him insight into what career he wants?

I dont get this logic surely all it will do is make him think he doesn't want to work in a dead end job?

I would allow him to go. Suggest a generalised first year and then re evaluate.

His wishes are important this is life we are talking about and you may do yours differently but a part of parenting adult children is to step back and allow them to make their mistakes.

I know this is likely not what you want.to hear and no I don't think you are unreasonable in suggesting he takes a year out. You will be VERY unreasonable if you insist

Barbecuebeans · 24/03/2023 07:47

Oldsu · 24/03/2023 01:58

I am glad my DS did not go to Uni he was thinking about it at one point, he trained as a plumber instead, he is in his 30s now and owns his own business I am very proud of him

And you're absolutely right to be proud of him. But presumably you didn't pressurise him one way or the other?

The point is that we all have to live with the consequences of our decisions, so they should be our choices, not other people's.

Largeflaskoftea · 24/03/2023 07:47

Goinganon321 · 24/03/2023 01:45

@WandaWonder yes he wants to go but has no enthusiasm/interest in a particular course. He will end up picking one but just coz he wants the uni experience - not coz he is into the subject or studying. Surely it is legitimate for me to be concerned about that?

I agree with you OP. I went to uni (long time ago) because it was what kids did, and did a generic subject. I had no idea what I wanted to do afterwards.

This was in the days of student grants (and old style student loans where you had to earn the national average before you pay it back). The amount of debt students are saddled with today is astonishing (I know, Martin Lewis says it’s a tax etc….)

It’s not a popular opinion on here but a degree isn’t everything. But a lifetime of work can seem a daunting prospect when you finish school!!

Sorry, no real advice but just wanted to say I understand your perspective!!

Anonhopingforbaby · 24/03/2023 07:48

You sound very judgemental of your son.

He could do a working holiday if he wants to get away?

TearsforBeers · 24/03/2023 07:49

It's really, really common for young people to go not have a clear career idea when they go to university.

In fact, I'd argue that it's a good idea for academic young people with no clear career idea because it gives them 3/4 years to figure out what they'd like to do in an environment that is designed to support them to do just that......all while gaining a qualification!!

Around 80% of graduate jobs don't ask for a specific degree so he should choose what he enjoys and is good at.

I'd only advise getting a job if he knew what sort of sector he wants to work in or had a career idea and a clear plan as to how to achieve that.

Largeflaskoftea · 24/03/2023 07:49

UnicornRidge · 24/03/2023 02:05

Contrary to popular belief on MN, I think you are being very reasonable and I will ask my children to do the same if they have no idea what they want to do at uni and the degree is unlikely to give them a leg up in life.

Too many of my friends from school did a non-STEM without a career path. They are now heavily in debt and doing a job that they could have done without a degree. There are many other jobs they could have done straight out of uni. They could have learnt a trade, they could have done their accountancy exam and qualify sooner without the debt.

This sums up how I feel.

SkyandSurf · 24/03/2023 07:53

YABVU.

Part of the reason to go to uni and have a 'student experience' is to figure out what you are passionate about and what you want to focus on.

Having a UK degree is what will set him apart from computers, AI and much cheaper workforces overseas.

balconylife · 24/03/2023 07:53

Apprenticeship in a trade, that's what I'd recommend. Electricians and plumbers will always be employed and earn good money.

Hongkongsuey · 24/03/2023 07:55

Badbadbunny · 24/03/2023 07:40

This thread highlights why we have a shortage of trades people like plumbers, electricians, etc. All these kids with no particular interest in studying for a degree get swept along to the Uni "experience", get a low grade in a subject they're not interested in, and then end up in a job that doesn't "need" a degree, many earning so little they don't repay any of there huge student loans.

We really need to start encouraging our kids into the trades, yes, even if that means the little darlings get their hands dirty. It's where the money is now and is a job for life always in demand!

We have a shortage of tradespeople because it’s really difficult for a school leaver to get a decent apprenticeship. There are loads available in areas like hairdressing and child care work but only people who are really passionate about that career should consider it to compensate for the relatively low pay. There are also shortages in many careers where you do need a degree. Coding, IT security, nursing.

owiz · 24/03/2023 07:57

Coding, IT security

It is not necessary to have a degree to go into these fields.

cptartapp · 24/03/2023 07:57

nzeire · 24/03/2023 05:45

my Daughter is entering into year two doing a degree that may or may not lead to a job. After the three years of hell they have been through, with uncertainty, fear, lockdowns and cancellations of nearly everything fun, I want her to have a good time. I want her to live away from home, keep learning, hang with people her age and be surrounded by motivated people, be inspired and maybe find something she is truely passionate about… she’s just switched up her subjects and I can see ideas forming for her future.

im thrilled for her.

This. After the shit show of the last few years I want my teens to enjoy being 18. They've the rest of their lives with their nose to the grindstone. Mental health is important. DS1 is doing a humanities degree and has matured in leaps and bounds. He still doesn't know what he wants to do but the degree can only be a positive. It's closed no doors.
I worked first and then went back to study at uni and it wasn't the same.

MissMarplesbag · 24/03/2023 07:58

balconylife · 24/03/2023 07:53

Apprenticeship in a trade, that's what I'd recommend. Electricians and plumbers will always be employed and earn good money.

But not everyone is able to learn a trade and maybe that's why we have so many shoddy trades people. If kids aren't academic they were encouraged to learn a trade. However, some weren't cut out for that either and don't have the talent to be a decent trades person. Hence l, all the threads on here about cowboy builders & shite plumbers.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 24/03/2023 07:59

I agree uni isn't for everyone Particularly now that it's so expensive. A year out can be a good thing. He doesn't have to work in maccas

I work in a tourist attraction and we have loads of people with amazing qualifications there on minimum wage. Not everyone with a free free ends up better Paid.

But it's his life so all you can do is give him options.

AllOfThemWitches · 24/03/2023 08:05

Uni isn't the be all and end all, I know lots of former students in crap jobs.

ouch44 · 24/03/2023 08:07

Do you know about the WIWIKAU (what I wish I'd known about University) group on Facebook? My DS sounds about the same age as yours so I joined at the beginning of the year. The general consensus on there if your child doesn't know what course they want to take or whether Uni is the right route for them IS TO take a year out. There are a couple of courses where taking a year out is considered a bad idea such as Maths. But generally it's looked on as a good thing with plenty of young people doing it to save money for the course as well as gain experience
Has he checked out Liberal Arts courses?

My DS would like a year out but I'm concerned his plan is to spend it on his Xbox!! Also one of the courses he's interested in is Maths.
Also I've encouraged him to check out degree apprenticeships.

Smoky1107 · 24/03/2023 08:10

I read everything until the year 12 bit! He's got ages to decide and in a 16 year olds world things charge all the time! I'd be picking your battles on this one, talk about uni be excited with him and look at options.
My daughter in year 12 wanted to take a year out and work in a pub. And yes I was upset because I thought she would soon get bored of that.
Now, she's working, she's doing a degree and lives at home with freedom and support from us. I didn't fight with her about her choices, I let her work it out herself and she isn't doing a STEM subject but she's a very happy and motivated 19 year old.
You actually have 18 months until he needs to make a decision and will likely change again before then. Make sure he applies, looks at unis and give him choices in august 2024. Nothing is set in stone until then

KvotheTheBloodless · 24/03/2023 08:10

If he was predicted poor grades I'd agree with you, but BBB is pretty good - university isn't for everyone, but if he's bright, then a few years living away from home, studying, possibly with a year abroad, will likely be the making of him.

RampantIvy · 24/03/2023 08:13

I just don’t think DC should go to uni and incur debt etc unless they are enthused by degree course and want to study. DS no idea about what to study and shows no enthusiasm - other than for a uni experience!

I totally agree with you. University is not school. The tutors and lecturers don't chase the students or remind them about outstanding work. The onus is on the student to work. If he fails his first year exams and the resits he will be asked to leave. Lecturers don't want unmotivated students. His reasons for wanting to go to university are the wrong ones.

It's a period of growth and it would be a real shame to deny him of that!

Taking a gap year is hardly denying him that.

I can't believe how many posters think they are the right reasons to get into debt. You could suggest that he goes to universitybut you aren't prepared to fund his party lifestyle, so he can work in the local McDonalds if he wants beer money.

He’s unlikely to go back to uni after working full time for a year.

That is utter nonsense. DD took a gap year after unsuccessfully applying for medicine. She decided to regroup and look at other courses as she decided that medicine probably wasn't for her. She worked, volunteered and travelled. It was the best thing for her, and she was more than ready to go to university after her gap year. She graduated last year with a first and walked into a job straight away. I also know loads of people who just took a regular full time job for a year before going to university.

C8H10N4O2 · 24/03/2023 08:15

Goinganon321 · 24/03/2023 02:56

He is 16, not 18. In Year 12 with June birthday.

Show quote history

16 is still quite young, especially if he is a later maturing boy. I'm inclined to agree with @Sceptre86 and with you OP - he is basically saying he wants to spend >40k on a party plus a sizeable contribution from you. A mid ranking degree from a mid ranking university is unlikely to get him the career to recoup the costs so you need to see some other benefits. (assuming he stays the course and doesn't drop out or fail)

Some children do suddenly get the work ethic at university as they were late developers but that is more of a pointer to take a gap year. He is viewing a gap year as "flipping burgers" but what about a gap year spent working in tourism in Spain or other work abroad? An opportunity to grow up a bit and work out what he really wants to do, potentially have a lot of fun and maybe bring back some cash.

Maybe the answer is the right sort of gap year work so that he sees it as an opportunity rather than a delay.