Page 9 | Dad taking a bath with young child

Demjay · 2023-03-23T22:43:09+00:00

Please help: would you consider it normal for a dad to share a bath with his children : say 3-5 years? If you had other concerns , would this be a red flag , or is this just totally ordinary / acceptable dad behaviour?

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 24/03/2023 08:24

On this particular vote perhaps. But the comments on similar threads are usually littered with how inappropriate it is.

ImAGoodPerson · 24/03/2023 08:25

Emotionalsupportviper · 24/03/2023 07:15

Desperate Dan used to.

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Haha, that's probably a good thing as none of us need to see that 😂

SharonKaren · 24/03/2023 08:26

completely normal imho, but if there are other concerns, and strange behaviour I'd keep a close eye. it all depends on the context. Gut feelings are very important.

Original poster

Demjay · 24/03/2023 08:26

lovemytribe · 24/03/2023 06:51

Safeguarding lead here.
There is always a bigger picture here and always 2 sides.
On its own it's not a concern, it sounds like loving parental care, and no different from a mother bathing with a child or sharing a bed.
I'd be interested to know where your statistics came from. It is not the case that 98% are men, it is a higher percentage than woman but if you're going to quote statistics please ensure they are accurate. Most sexual abusers are known to the child but are not related.
It sounds like you / your family member have an pre formed opinion of this dad and are trying to make the narrative fit a dramatic worst case scenario. The vast vast majority of dads are loving, caring and would do nothing to harm their child. So if statistics are your basis for opinion there's nothing to worry about.

98% of people prosecuted for sexual offences in England and wales are men. https://cambridgerapecrisis.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/Sources-for-website-stats-August-2022.pdf

https://cambridgerapecrisis.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/Sources-for-website-stats-August-2022.pdf

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 24/03/2023 08:27

Seems normal to me. Pretty sure both me and dp shared with our dc sometimes.

ImAGoodPerson · 24/03/2023 08:27

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What on earth are you talking about. What exactly do you think you'd be reporting FFS.

ImAGoodPerson · 24/03/2023 08:28

Crazykatie · 24/03/2023 07:47

I had sons and they never bathed with dad and only with me when very young, no particular reason it’s just the way it happened. Personally I would be very suspicious of any dad that wanted to bathe with children wether they are his or not

But not of a mum?

Original poster

Demjay · 24/03/2023 08:29

Puddingsocks · 24/03/2023 07:56

This figure is broadly accurate (the ONS put it at 92% for abuse suffered by children).

However there is an important assumption going unchallenged.

The strongest factor - based on the stats - associated with a man becoming a perpetrator of child sexual abuse is suffering sexual abuse as a child perpetrated by a woman (usually a mother or sister). The stigma attached to this and the assumption that women are not perpetrators of abuse is a strong contributing factor to this. That is why it is worth recognising this point, although of course it doesn’t not diminish the 92% point.

Look at this Cambridge University study if you want to see the source.

“…the highest likelihood of a male victim becoming a perpetrator was associated with being abused by a sister or mother.”

https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/the-british-journal-of-psychiatry/article/cycle-of-child-sexual-abuse-links-between-being-a-victim-and-becoming-a-perpetrator/A98434C25DB8619FB8F1E8654B651A88

I am not wanting to cause controversy or diminish the awful suffering inflicted by men through sexual abuse against victims of all ages, but it is important to recognise this issue to stop the cycle of child sexual abuse.

Thank you, you are right this is important to acknowledge x

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FatYogaLady · 24/03/2023 08:31

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 24/03/2023 08:19

Jesus Christ. You’re going to report their IP address 🙄

Well they asked. I'm just letting them know that I can and I will.

TheGoogleMum · 24/03/2023 08:32

I'm happy for DD (4) to share a bath or shower with DH. It doesn't happen often!

CheersForThatEh · 24/03/2023 08:32

Demjay · 23/03/2023 23:51

i get what you are trying to say , however , I do think the fact that men are statistically overwhelmingly more likely than women to sexually abuse children is relevant here. given that men are statistically much more likely to pose a risk to children than women (especially in terms of sexually predatory behaviour), I think it’s logical to expect that some boundaries might be different, and to assess the risk differently when confronted with a situation that stands out.

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Most sexual abusers being men doesnt mean that most men are sexual abusers.

It's still an incredibly small percentage of the population.

98% of men are not sexual abusers.

Original poster

Demjay · 24/03/2023 08:35

Ishefuckingkiddingme · 24/03/2023 07:45

So, exactly as accused, you asked and wanted to explain why you think everyone else is wrong.

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No I asked whether people thought it was normal behaviour or a red flag.
I didn’t ask if it’s no different / exactly the same as a mother doing it - that’s a different question, and one I already have a clear answer to based on evidence.

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NettleTea · 24/03/2023 08:35

personally I think there is a difference in children wanting to get into the bath with a parent who is already in there, to actively getting into a childs bath.

However when they are little the concept of nudity isnt really a factor between the sexes of the partner, and statistically if both parents are still married and both the biological parents, then they are the lowest risk for abuse. However if the father was abusive, controlling or violent, and there is evidence that they do not comply with child protection, then that risk is hightened after seperation

Original poster

Demjay · 24/03/2023 08:36

CheersForThatEh · 24/03/2023 08:32

Most sexual abusers being men doesnt mean that most men are sexual abusers.

It's still an incredibly small percentage of the population.

98% of men are not sexual abusers.

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Yes, of course

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Maedan · 24/03/2023 08:37

I can't vote really from what you've said. Usually a dad having a bath with kids that age I wouldn't raise an eyebrow. My son is 4 and loves having a bath with either of us. Not really thought about what age we'll stop, when he doesn't want to anymore I suppose. However you mentioned other concerns so I suppose it could be a red flag but in and of itself I'd say it isn't.

MissMaple82 · 24/03/2023 08:38

Blimey! It's perfectly fine. My goodness!

MissMaple82 · 24/03/2023 08:43

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 23:53

Can dads never change nappies, take their DC swimming?

Exactly!

MissMaple82 · 24/03/2023 08:45

Demjay · 23/03/2023 23:51

i get what you are trying to say , however , I do think the fact that men are statistically overwhelmingly more likely than women to sexually abuse children is relevant here. given that men are statistically much more likely to pose a risk to children than women (especially in terms of sexually predatory behaviour), I think it’s logical to expect that some boundaries might be different, and to assess the risk differently when confronted with a situation that stands out.

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Women, absolutely are predators. Mothers abuse and pimp their children out all the time, maybe you need to dig deeper

Madamecastafiore · 24/03/2023 08:46

Totally normal in our house, DCs have no shame about walking in when we're naked, showering etc and they always showered with us. DS 18 gave me my Mother's Day card last year whilst I was getting dressed, just had bottom half on and he gave me a big cuddle and didn't bat an eye lid!!

I think it's odd and somewhat damaging to make the human body something you need to cover up. I'd not seen a penis until I was first intimate with a man and God I was shocked and appalled.

MagpieSong · 24/03/2023 08:51

I find this thread concerning. If you truly believe the children are being sexually abused then act in real life now. Talk to the children without giving leading statements and report concerns. It’s confusing to ask a question out of context and the reality is none of us online can really know, especially if we’re drip fed information. Domestic abuse doesn’t equal a sexual abuser, but it does sound like there are multiple concerns. If I had doubts, I’d stop the baths happening and get the kids out of there asap.

However, in general, a bath with your children is not a concern at all.

Phonemonkey2023 · 24/03/2023 08:53

How do you know he’s overly enmeshed? What ever that means? Unless you live with him?

Crazykatie · 24/03/2023 08:54

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 24/03/2023 08:07

Why? If your partner had told you he was suspicious of the fact you bathed with your children of the opposite sex, how would you feel? Who are all these women having children with men who they think are secretly sexually attracted to children. That’s disturbing.

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This is easy to answer, I don’t fully trust any man, it is not at all unusual for fathers to abuse children and very unusual for mothers to. So dad can bathe the kids but not bathe with them, it’s a distinction I choose to make.

inappropriateraspberry · 24/03/2023 08:55

Completely fine. Nothing wrong with seeing your parents naked when washing or dressing.

Irecan · 24/03/2023 08:57

I’ve never heard of children of this age getting into the bath with their child and I don’t really know why a dad (or mother) would want to do this unless it’s like a very small baby who needs extra support in the bath. If you have other concerns then this is a red flag. Also the threads about mothers/ fathers appropriateness, lots of women do abuse it is just under reported/ harder to evidence!

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 24/03/2023 08:57

I think ordinarily it is fine. However, with the additional details about this man, his behaviour, his issues and his other boundary crossing, I’d be pretty concerned. But for many reasons.