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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dad taking a bath with young child

275 replies

Demjay · 23/03/2023 22:43

Please help:
would you consider it normal for a dad to share a bath with his children : say 3-5 years? If you had other concerns , would this be a red flag , or is this just totally ordinary / acceptable dad behaviour?

OP posts:
altmember · 24/03/2023 02:55

Demjay · 23/03/2023 23:51

i get what you are trying to say , however , I do think the fact that men are statistically overwhelmingly more likely than women to sexually abuse children is relevant here. given that men are statistically much more likely to pose a risk to children than women (especially in terms of sexually predatory behaviour), I think it’s logical to expect that some boundaries might be different, and to assess the risk differently when confronted with a situation that stands out.

I don't think you do get it, do you understand statistics? Yes, paedophiles are statistically far more likely to be men, but true paedophiles are a tiny, tiny minority of the male population. 99.5% (I'm guessing) do not have a sexual interest in children. And I expect only a very small proportion of that 0.5% have a sexual interest in their own children (in fact they're probably highly protective of their own children - judging everyone else by their own standards etc). I wouldn't like to speculate what percentage of women are paedophiles, but it's certainly going to be even smaller. But male or female, the risks in these circumstances are miniscule.

I also think there's unlikely to be any significant correlation between a man who abuses his adult partner and paedophilia. As abhorent as they both are, they're quite different things. If anything, most paedophiles are generally quite submissive and timid around other adults, instead they take their control out over minors.

As for the initial question, I don't see any issue with a man bathing with his young children (unless a known paedophile obviously), not any different to a mother doing the same. One of my DCs used to love jumping in the bath with my dp, but they grew out of it by about age 7 and started showering instead.

And what about a man bathing his child without getting in with them? Does anyone take issue with that? No they don't. Yet a man who's going to sexually abuse his children is just as likely to do it over the side of the bath as they are sharing it.

octoberfarm · 24/03/2023 03:13

Not that he does, but my DH bathing with our kids wouldn't register as odd to me at all, and I don't think it's any different to a Mum bathing with her kids.

That being said, I do think it may be a cause for concern if the person (father, mother, either) has form for behaving dangerously/inappropriately in the past, especially with worries about boundaries with the kids and sexual situations in past relationships. Seconding a PP's suggestion, I would contact the NSPCC advice helpline asap at 0808 800 500 - they'll be able to advise further. Definitely call and keep your eyes open, OP,

Teacupjunkie · 24/03/2023 04:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

Zebedee55 · 24/03/2023 04:24

Yes, my kids used to leap in the bath with their Dad, when they little. As they got older, it stopped, obviously.🙂

Lwrenagain · 24/03/2023 04:33

The man you're describing I wouldn't allow near children anyway.
Anyone with previous predatory sexual behaviour shouldn't be bathing with children. Pedophila is often something that starts in the brain because the person enjoys a pushed boundary. So it's not unrealistic to for someone who enjoys a certain level of deviancy to develop sexual feelings towards children. Sadly, their own children, grandchildren and nieces and nephews are the most at risk. One in 30 males its now believed have a predisposition for being a Pedophile.

A father with a good moral compass, views and capable or adhering to boundaries and generally would choose protect his children from harm? Perfectly normal.

My DP can't wait for the time he can have a bath without a crowd of our offspring asking to come and ruin his soak with a collection of Dinosaurs, bath crayons and my personal favourite, sparkly bath bombs!

AppallinglyReheated · 24/03/2023 04:42

Normal - loved a bath with my Dad, because he had the water to the bloody brim and properly hot, not like my Mum who did 3 inches of tepid water. I liked a bath with the water up round my neck.

Context is all - yes, this man might be an arsehole to adults, it does not automatically equate that he is a problem with his own children. Unfortunately people are complex and being a nasty bastard in one respect does not mean someones a nasty bastard across the board.

Dita73 · 24/03/2023 04:55

FFS. This is really depressing

marshmallowsforbreakfast · 24/03/2023 04:56

I'm really surprised at the responses here, but I know I'm very prudish due previous trauma. I absolutely don't think it's acceptable for a 5 year old girl to share a bath with a naked male.

user1492757084 · 24/03/2023 05:10

You are a relative.

You can keep an ear out and assess the relationship of this man with his children as each month goes on.
Nothing screams 'red flag' except your concern - which is valid and means you should keep contact with them.

bertramegon · 24/03/2023 05:25

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BCBird · 24/03/2023 05:34

Normal

IncompleteSenten · 24/03/2023 05:41

It can be either normal or not. Given your updates I would lean more towards not. He's not necessarily a pervert! There are other ways for a relationship to not be 'normal' or healthy. Parentification for example, or inappropriate levels of control or not respecting the child's feelings of comfort.

IncompleteSenten · 24/03/2023 05:43

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Are you genuinely asking that or are you cautioning people to not share stories of bathtime with their kids because of the Herbert element?

Mamoun · 24/03/2023 05:49

A dad sharing isn't the same as a mum sharing. OP has very well explained why.

My husband will share a bath (rarely) with boxer shorts on.

Mamoun · 24/03/2023 05:51

youbitchesaretwats · 23/03/2023 22:58

Because 98% of sexual abusers are male. The overwhelming majority of child sex abuse is committed by men. It’s exceptionally rare for a mother to sexually abuse her own children.

So are you saying no man should be trusted, by virtue that they are male?

Is it what she is saying?
I don't think so.

Do you think men should be allowed in women's bathroom and changing rooms because the vast majority of them are good men who would never do anything wrong?

Simonjt · 24/03/2023 05:57

FatYogaLady · 24/03/2023 01:14

I think it is fine up until the child is old enough to bathe, dress, and not drown themselves and then it's weird.

The entire point is to help people who cannot help themselves.

If a dad is bathing with a perfectly healthy typical 7yo+ child I would calling cps.

Better call them on us come June then!

Noicant · 24/03/2023 06:12

When you say encouraging them to bedshare is he making them?

Fluffodils · 24/03/2023 06:13

Demjay · 23/03/2023 22:48

Don’t think it’s the same

It is.

It's the "other concerns" that might make this an issue.

GoodChat · 24/03/2023 06:15

94% of mumsnet groupthink disagrees with OP, which means your comment is not correct.

As a general rule, if 94% of Mumsnet disagrees with you you're probably right Grin

Fluffodils · 24/03/2023 06:16

Demjay · 24/03/2023 00:17

Anyway thanks for your thoughts everyone: as I say, I have no specific evidence of a risk to the kids particularly , just a general gut level concern. I was wondering if the bath thing might be an objective flag , but it seems not and that that is totally normal behaviour x

There's no point just taking one behaviour and looking at it separately. Give the nspcc a call and tell them your concerns.

youbitchesaretwats · 24/03/2023 06:21

Mamoun · 24/03/2023 05:49

A dad sharing isn't the same as a mum sharing. OP has very well explained why.

My husband will share a bath (rarely) with boxer shorts on.

Weird

Perfect28 · 24/03/2023 06:26

OP just because most people who get caught are men does not mean that this crime is only committed by men. You're being sexist. If they are his children bathing and sleeping together is totally normal.

harkerlee · 24/03/2023 06:28

Demjay · 24/03/2023 00:06

This is the conundrum. Nothing specific that I could point to with the children (that is known to me). There is definitely a sense of an inappropriate lack of boundaries with the kids- certainly emotionally.

The abuse of (several) intimate partners, and stalking/ harassment behaviour is known/ documented, and questions have been raised about sexual issues by two partners (but not related to kids). He also has mental health and substance abuse issues. I’m just worried if the kids are safe.

OP, you started a thread which just asked if it was OK for a dad to have a bath with a small child, when actually there is all this other stuff you are concerned about.

In itself, yes of course it's OK for a dad to bathe with his child.

But if you are concerned there is something going on, in the context of the other issues that you have just mentioned, then you need to take action.

What about his current behaviour around the children makes you think they might not be safe?

harkerlee · 24/03/2023 06:29

Just to highlight this again OP:

NSPCC advice helpline: 0808 800 500

Ring them if you are worried.

thegirlyupnorth · 24/03/2023 06:32

I'd say not not normal with that background information. I'd be flagging it up too. Maybe contact social services if they're already involved with the family anyway. No harm in having a chat and relaying your concerns.