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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH is selfish over my jury service?

470 replies

SeekChase · 23/03/2023 08:14

Hi Ladies...
So, around 2 months ago I was sent a Jury Summons. As I am a mum to 2 small (1&4) children, and with the Jury Service being set for first week or half term ( no preschool), I tried to get out of it, but to no avail. I do understand that they always invite a surplus of potential Jury candidates and there is a chance of getting out on the day...
However, I did give my DH plenty of notice (he is a roofer) and asked that he takes that week to 10 days off to look after the kids (I am normally the stay at home mum) - while I do the Jury Service IF I can't get out of it.

HE AGREED.
Well, last night, bearing in mind I have a week or so before the Jury service starts, he told me he wants to work and its tough. He said I'll have to not go. I said I can get fined £1000 for not showing up, he said "yes it's stupid isn't it" - but won't budge.
I have family but they are actually going away on a prearranged holiday, my DH said they will have to cancel and its not his problem. I am fuming. AIBU?

OP posts:
GoodChat · 23/03/2023 09:08

XjustagirlX · 23/03/2023 09:06

I would like to do jury service too. I currently have a newborn baby so I don’t think I could do it due to breastfeeding and pumping milk. But if I defered then next time i could be near the due date of my next child. Would they arrest me?

Not if you had a valid reason and communicated with them.

Blossomtoes · 23/03/2023 09:08

MsWhitworth · 23/03/2023 09:04

I’d like to as well. But that’s the very reason why you can’t volunteer - you’d naturally get a certain demographic, whereas you need a cross-section of society.

Show quote history

I’m not suggesting you should be able to volunteer but it surely wouldn’t be difficult to allow someone to refuse and just pass on down the list? If I can get through over 50 eligible years without being called there’s obviously no need to coerce anyone who’s unwilling.

IWantToBeACat · 23/03/2023 09:08

I would sit him down and quite calmly and firmly say something along the lines of:
You agreed to look after the children whilst I did the jury service. You should have said if you didn't want to do it. However, you did agree, so if you are now saying you won't look after your own children then you will have to source and pay for childcare. I am not willing to be arrested and fined £1000 because you have changed your mind. I will not be asking my family to cancel their holiday to look after our children. You agreed, you need to stand by your decision or sort alternative arrangements.

And then stick to it and if necessary, do as you say you will and leave very early on the day and turn your phone off. (I'm assuming he wouldn't up and just leave them?)

XjustagirlX · 23/03/2023 09:09

@MsWhitworth sorry cross posted. Thanks yeah makes sense to give some available dates. Im hoping they don’t arrest you second time if you are say in hospital though with an emergency.

Pojji · 23/03/2023 09:09

I would try calling the court again. I got called up the week I was due to start a new job. I have a child with ADHD who was also having a lot of problems at the time and I knew they would struggle with a change in routine. I explained this to them and they initially said I HAD to come along. I was trying to sort out childcare etc and was really struggling. I called them again and spoke to someone different and they sorted it all out for me. Ironically a few days later I received a call to say I wasn't needed anyway.

I am sorry your DP is being so unhelpful. I think you really ought to consider if you want to stay with someone who can't even look after their own children.

GoodChat · 23/03/2023 09:10

OP the problem is even if you leave early the first day, he'll just do the same the next day.

OxygenthiefexH · 23/03/2023 09:10

You know, OP, read this slowly because I know what I’m on about.

This isn’t about jury service. This is about his contempt for you. He thinks it’s ok to treat you like this. And he will get away with it. And it might be a bit frosty but hey, his life will go on.

Remember this because you will 100% revisit this situation again and again. And then you’ll divorce him.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/03/2023 09:10

Blossomtoes · 23/03/2023 08:57

Like most things, it depends. If losing ten days’ work would cost more than £1000, surely it’s reasonable? It would be ridiculous for him not to work for ten days if that meant losing more money than the fine.

Not the point. He agreed and has caused a massive issue by changing his mind at short notice and then expecting family to cancel a holiday to mind the children. And it’s not just a fine - it’s a contempt of court order which means the OP would have a criminal record. There’s also a possible prison sentence and the fine could be as much as £2000. What’s ridiculous is his lack of support and utter disregard for his wife. He’s an arse.

whatevrrrr · 23/03/2023 09:10

MsWhitworth · 23/03/2023 09:06

I think when you defer the first time, you can offer three possible dates that you can do. So seems a good idea to do that, rather than have it sprung on you, for the reasons you suggest.

Show quote history

Exactly. When I deferred, I gave dates that coincided with two-week periods when I knew I could be available. If you have booked annual leave, for example, you could offer those dates.

Original poster
SeekChase · 23/03/2023 09:10

If you defer you have to give suggested alternative dates within 12 months. So you wouldn't give any time around the due date of a new baby, etc.
I'll make some calls today and update later!

OP posts:
Goldbar · 23/03/2023 09:10

If you have joint finances, I'd book an emergency nanny. It will cost you (probably around £200-250 per day) but at least your children will be safe and you won't risk being in contempt of court. And he'll probably change his mind when he sees how much it is costing.

Of course, what he probably means when he says "organise childcare" is bully your family into doing it or get it on the cheap.

Glitteratitar · 23/03/2023 09:11

It’s unclear OP - have you asked to defer or not? Your post suggests you did but in a later post you say you didn’t.

Bergamotte · 23/03/2023 09:13

He is being ridiculous. They are HIS children. You are all a family.
He had plenty of notice, and has had his leave approved so doesn't need to stress about his job.

If you do end up being needed for jury service, he can look after his children as planned. (and enjoy having some dad&children time, as well as of course shouldering his share of parenting.)
If, on some of the days, they don't need you for jury service, you can go on nice family days out, or build a den behind the sofa of whatever, together as a family, since it is the school holidays.
Surely this is actually really lucky timing? (If it happened during term time, and he didn't want to take time off work, who would pick the kids up from preschool?)

Definitely go to your jury service as planned - I would say leave even earlier, at least an hour before he might - and leave the kids with him, as you suggested.

XjustagirlX · 23/03/2023 09:14

SeekChase · 23/03/2023 09:10

If you defer you have to give suggested alternative dates within 12 months. So you wouldn't give any time around the due date of a new baby, etc.
I'll make some calls today and update later!

My baby came 3 months premature. Hopefully the court would be understanding if the several happened to clash.

good luck with your calls OP

Hallmark1234 · 23/03/2023 09:14

If he's booking it as holiday, does that mean he's not self employed?

You'd think the way the weather is atm, he'd be glad not to be up on a roof in the wind and wet and have a cosy, comfortable week at home in the warm, with his kids!

Moraxella · 23/03/2023 09:14

@Goldbar this is why i dread being called- they will reimburse you ~£60/day but even if i could find some childcare it would cost way in excess of that. (We have no family at all)

catsrus · 23/03/2023 09:14

XjustagirlX · 23/03/2023 08:56

Out of curiosity if someone defers with a valid reason but then the next time they also can’t attend (say due to pregnancy or an exam or a newborn baby), what would happen? Of both times are valid reasons do you just get a fine and arrested?

OP I would try to defer again and if not just leave the kids with him as he initially agreed.

I was called twice - first the week I was doing my finals, second the week after I was due to give birth. Deferral both times, not been called since - over 30yrs now

Original poster
SeekChase · 23/03/2023 09:17

Sorry, I didn't request to defer, I shouldn't have said that. I thought about deferring but thought I'd might as well get it done as situation will be the same in a year. I called up the court clerk to say I have children and was advised I would still have to go. I didn't push for a deferral.

OP posts:
nordicwannabe · 23/03/2023 09:18

Leaving the house before he gets up won't work, because you'd need to do it every day of the jury duty and I suspect the selfish bastard will stay at a friends one night or something. It would be much more disruptive to the trial if you drop out partway through the trial than if you defer completely.

You may need to organise paid for childcare. Do make sure he sees what that does to your family budget.

Also start making a habit of leaving by yourself for the day on weekends, so that he gets used to looking after his own children.

And go back to work. You can't rely on him.

diddl · 23/03/2023 09:19

LooksLikeASugarInAPlum · 23/03/2023 09:02

I thought you could claim childcare costs.

Not much help if you can't actually find childcare though!

KRoo22 · 23/03/2023 09:19

It’s not just the fine, it is possible the court will send police round your house to physically get you. It is a legal summons you must attend. Honestly I would seriously consider my future with a man like this

MarkWithaC · 23/03/2023 09:20

Your husband is a straight-up cunt. Messing with you by agreeing and then backtracking. Telling you YOUR family will need to sort out HIS childcare.
Have you money of your own? If so, get out now. If not, start saving and planning so you can get out sooner rather than later.

RudsyFarmer · 23/03/2023 09:20

I would go and take the children so they can see your childcare has disappeared on you and pick someone else.

Naunet · 23/03/2023 09:21

SeekChase · 23/03/2023 08:26

I'm sick of it, he is always like this and it's getting worse. He is selfish. This could be the final straw!

Tell him that. Tell him that if he keeps being so selfish, keeps seeing the children as not his responsibility, if he expects you to take £1000 fine so that his life isn’t interrupted, then it could be the last straw for your marriage as you can’t see how you could ever get past him being such a prick.

Goldbar · 23/03/2023 09:22

Moraxella · 23/03/2023 09:14

@Goldbar this is why i dread being called- they will reimburse you ~£60/day but even if i could find some childcare it would cost way in excess of that. (We have no family at all)

Yes, the reimbursement is nowhere near the cost of childcare. And really a nanny is the only childcare solution for a 1 year old who hasn't been used to a formal childcare setting like a nursery and hasn't done settling in. It's shit.