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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH is selfish over my jury service?

470 replies

SeekChase · 23/03/2023 08:14

Hi Ladies...
So, around 2 months ago I was sent a Jury Summons. As I am a mum to 2 small (1&4) children, and with the Jury Service being set for first week or half term ( no preschool), I tried to get out of it, but to no avail. I do understand that they always invite a surplus of potential Jury candidates and there is a chance of getting out on the day...
However, I did give my DH plenty of notice (he is a roofer) and asked that he takes that week to 10 days off to look after the kids (I am normally the stay at home mum) - while I do the Jury Service IF I can't get out of it.

HE AGREED.
Well, last night, bearing in mind I have a week or so before the Jury service starts, he told me he wants to work and its tough. He said I'll have to not go. I said I can get fined £1000 for not showing up, he said "yes it's stupid isn't it" - but won't budge.
I have family but they are actually going away on a prearranged holiday, my DH said they will have to cancel and its not his problem. I am fuming. AIBU?

OP posts:
rwalker · 23/03/2023 08:33

If he’s a roofer he’ll be taking a massive financial hit for this how was that going to sorted

also roofers round here have a 6 months waiting list if he loose a 20 how would he catch up

tbh he should of never agreed but I can see the reason why he won’t do it can you claim child care back

the £1000 fine would probably be cheaper than the wages he’d lose

BananaSpanner · 23/03/2023 08:34

You’ve got 3 options.

Leave the house before him leaving him with the kids.

Arrange a childminder for the week (probably what I would have done to start with).

Turn up with the kids explaining your childcare has fallen through and request a deferral.

Curseofthenation · 23/03/2023 08:34

I would wake up earlier than DH and scarper in your situation. You'll have to hang about twiddling your thumbs for the early morning but at least you won't get fined or in trouble with the police.

Bells3032 · 23/03/2023 08:34

your husband is an ass. So HIS kids are not his problem but your relatives should cancel their holiday to take care of kids that are not their responsibility?

You can't not turn up. You can claim back child care expenses up to £65.00 but that's not gonna cover everything for 2 kids. also prob need some settling in sessions rather than leave them with a stranger for two weeks.

Is he gonna pay that?

Has he given a actual reason for not doing it? Is there a major deadline etc? Or just doesn't want to.

Honestly I don't think i'd ever trust him again after this

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/03/2023 08:35

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 23/03/2023 08:25

I think your only choice here is to turn up with the kids and get sent home. Awful position to be in but it's what I'd do in your shoes.

Yep. If you fear that he is literally going to leave the kids to go to work, then this is what you have to do to avoid a fine.

It might be possibly to defer till the kids are school age if you have no childcare without sacrificing your only income. Ask.

Original poster
SeekChase · 23/03/2023 08:36

Yes we have joint finances. What he is doing is pressuring me to sort out alternative childcare and passing the buck. I'm certain he doesn't think I will be fined because in his mind, I will go and let him off the hook with the childcare. I'll ring the court clerk and explain, but if I still have to go, I'll leave 7.30am and leave the kids with him, as he normally leaves at 8! I expect a huge fallout.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 23/03/2023 08:36

rwalker · 23/03/2023 08:33

If he’s a roofer he’ll be taking a massive financial hit for this how was that going to sorted

also roofers round here have a 6 months waiting list if he loose a 20 how would he catch up

tbh he should of never agreed but I can see the reason why he won’t do it can you claim child care back

the £1000 fine would probably be cheaper than the wages he’d lose

She just needs to turn up with the kids and they’ll defer her.

Original poster
SeekChase · 23/03/2023 08:38

No, he is still entitled to holiday and booked it as holiday (and is now backtracking), so the argument about him losing wages isn't really valid. He is being selfish.

OP posts:
MsWhitworth · 23/03/2023 08:40

What’s his actual reason? If it’s not that he’s losing money, then what is his explanation for not doing it?

Gazelda · 23/03/2023 08:40

This isn't a partnership OP.

Fair enough If he'd refused from the beginning on the basis he'll lose too much money. But not at the last minute and not take responsibility of resolving the issue.

You say this isn't unusual behaviour from him. I'd be doing as a previous poster suggested - get yourself a job and leave him.

Original poster
SeekChase · 23/03/2023 08:41

He doesn't want to look after the kids and would prefer to work. He says he can't do it.

OP posts:
Whatthediddlyfeck · 23/03/2023 08:43

Do NOT just not turn up! If I were you I’d go to the court and take the kids with you.
I agree with people doing jury service, but the system is SO flawed and unworkable.

Keeween · 23/03/2023 08:44

What the fuck? I’d be absolutely raging OP, I’m so sorry he’s being such a twat. I don’t think it’s quite as straightforward as ‘just’ a fine either.. honestly I think this would really make me question our relationship, they’re his children for goodness sake!! I’d be angry even if they weren’t due to the last minute nature of letting you down, but this is just ridiculous.

whatevrrrr · 23/03/2023 08:45

He is being hideously selfish, OP.

In practical terms, if I were you, I'd ring the number on the Jury Service letter and explain exactly what has happened. It's far better to explain in advance than it would be either not to turn up, or to turn up with your children in tow. My guess is that they will let you defer. I was able to obtain a deferral for reasons that were not an 'emergency'. I think a key thing is to show willing to do it and not give the impression that you're just trying to get out of doing it full stop. I gave them an alternative date, which they approved.

You can't possibly consider leaving a one-year-old with a stranger, even if they covered the childcare costs (and £65 wouldn't remotely cover it for one child, never mind two). If you chose to send your children to childcare, you'd do it very gradually and spend time settling them in - you wouldn't just pluck a random place/person out of nowhere and dump them there.

Assuming you can get a deferral (I know you said you couldn't, but I think you can in the situation you describe), you then need to think about whether this really is the final straw with your husband.

rwalker · 23/03/2023 08:46

Sounds like there’s more going on

but personally I wouldn’t use a massive chunk of my yearly holiday allowance allowance for this
would of look at childcare if u can claim it back we have few days at Christmas and this would leave me with just over 2 weeks for the rest of the hol year

think he’s just agreed for a quiet life and now thought it through

JussathoB · 23/03/2023 08:46

Check out all the proper rules governing jury duty and make sure DP reads them. This is an official thing which you can’t get out of easily - otherwise lots of people would probably fail to attend. In particular, if you get it deferred you will be called back another time, and it might be even less convenient then!

DizzyLizzyKizzy · 23/03/2023 08:47

Curseofthenation · 23/03/2023 08:34

I would wake up earlier than DH and scarper in your situation. You'll have to hang about twiddling your thumbs for the early morning but at least you won't get fined or in trouble with the police.

What every morning for a week to 10 days?

Aprilx · 23/03/2023 08:48

SeekChase · 23/03/2023 08:26

I'm sick of it, he is always like this and it's getting worse. He is selfish. This could be the final straw!

To be honest, if my husband was willing to see me get fined for being in contempt, it really would be the end. Not even really about the money, I would hate to have such a blot on my character.

MsWhitworth · 23/03/2023 08:48

Why do people think there’s childminders hanging around with two available slots in school holidays? Any decent childminder would be full up.

And even if you could, the OPs meant to dump her two young children with a stranger?

Summerishere123 · 23/03/2023 08:49

You need to get rid of this guy. I cannot imagine being so fucking selfish!
Ask him for £1000 and when he asks why, say you are expecting a fine because your husband is a useless twat!

FishChipsMushyPeas · 23/03/2023 08:49

I have family but they are actually going away on a prearranged holiday, my DH said they will have to cancel and its not his problem.

Of everything in your post, this disgusted me the most. How dare he say that family should have to cancel anything because he cant be arsed?

Arrange childcare, aside from the fact that you shouldnt be facing a fine for not attending, this sets a precedent for him not doing his duty with his own kids.

I am disgusted by his behaviour.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/03/2023 08:50

Lastofyou · 23/03/2023 08:22

Just wondering why you didn't request a deferral? You have clear circumstances limiting your capacity for that week.

Seems a though she did, and it was refused.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 23/03/2023 08:50

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/03/2023 08:36

She just needs to turn up with the kids and they’ll defer her.

Show quote history

Why should they have to? She has childcare arranged, its not their fault her partner is being a complete d*ckhead about it

Greensleevevssnotnose · 23/03/2023 08:52

It's really serious if you don't turn up. Police will come to the house and arrest you and there's the fine, not sure if it's a criminal record too. My other half deferred in January and it's now been moved to August. When I did it I ended up on a six week trial so you do have to work as a team and be flexible. You can only defer once, next time it could be school holidays again.

Original poster
SeekChase · 23/03/2023 08:53

But life isn't easy is it, and you have to show some give and take and make sacrifices. Otherwise what's the point in being in a family if you arent willing to give up some holiday to look after your own kids and have some one on one time with them. I guess it comes down to priorities.

OP posts:
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