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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH is selfish over my jury service?

470 replies

SeekChase · 23/03/2023 08:14

Hi Ladies...
So, around 2 months ago I was sent a Jury Summons. As I am a mum to 2 small (1&4) children, and with the Jury Service being set for first week or half term ( no preschool), I tried to get out of it, but to no avail. I do understand that they always invite a surplus of potential Jury candidates and there is a chance of getting out on the day...
However, I did give my DH plenty of notice (he is a roofer) and asked that he takes that week to 10 days off to look after the kids (I am normally the stay at home mum) - while I do the Jury Service IF I can't get out of it.

HE AGREED.
Well, last night, bearing in mind I have a week or so before the Jury service starts, he told me he wants to work and its tough. He said I'll have to not go. I said I can get fined £1000 for not showing up, he said "yes it's stupid isn't it" - but won't budge.
I have family but they are actually going away on a prearranged holiday, my DH said they will have to cancel and its not his problem. I am fuming. AIBU?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 23/03/2023 08:53

SeekChase · 23/03/2023 08:41

He doesn't want to look after the kids and would prefer to work. He says he can't do it.

Then it's his job to arrange childcare OP or he'll have to pay the fine. Get the money now before it's supposed to start.

If he point blank refuses to watch his own kids and drops you in the shit then I'd be reassessing the relationship and I'll be telling him that.

XjustagirlX · 23/03/2023 08:56

Out of curiosity if someone defers with a valid reason but then the next time they also can’t attend (say due to pregnancy or an exam or a newborn baby), what would happen? Of both times are valid reasons do you just get a fine and arrested?

OP I would try to defer again and if not just leave the kids with him as he initially agreed.

Blossomtoes · 23/03/2023 08:57

Like most things, it depends. If losing ten days’ work would cost more than £1000, surely it’s reasonable? It would be ridiculous for him not to work for ten days if that meant losing more money than the fine.

GoodChat · 23/03/2023 08:57

Call them and say your childcare has fallen through. Ask them what you should do. If they don't help, I agree to turn up with the kids.

And start looking for a job.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 23/03/2023 08:59

Blossomtoes · 23/03/2023 08:57

Like most things, it depends. If losing ten days’ work would cost more than £1000, surely it’s reasonable? It would be ridiculous for him not to work for ten days if that meant losing more money than the fine.

OP has already stated that he's not going to lose money.

Katrinawaves · 23/03/2023 08:59

Can his family help with childcare given that yours are on holiday? Do you have any friends with school age kids who could help you out. Or a TA from the older child’s school or nursery?

Last resort would be childcare from an agency like Sitters. That will be expensive but you can claim some of the costs back. As this would be in your own home and the kids would be together it would be as unsettling for them as sending them to an unknown childminder in unfamiliar surroundings.

pizzaHeart · 23/03/2023 08:59

I have family but they are actually going away on a prearranged holiday, my DH said they will have to cancel and it’s not his problem.
Are they his kids? Obviously the answer is yes, so it’s his problem, not the relative’s who is going on a holiday.

Redebs · 23/03/2023 09:00

If he was the one called for jury service I bet he wouldn't be risking a police arrest and contempt of court charge.
Nasty man.
So sorry OP. You need to let the court know straight away. You can't leave your children with strangers.

Isittimetogohomeyet · 23/03/2023 09:00

Talk to the the jury service or court clerk in advance and don't just turn up with your children.
DH was on jury service last year and a case had to be adjourned as two people did this and several others just didn't turn up so they didn't have enough people to make up the jury. They were threatened with contempt of court although I've no idea if this was followed through.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/03/2023 09:00

You are totally dependent on a complete asshole who doesn't want to be around his own offspring, doesn't honor his commitments, has contempt for your family and zero respect for you. Jury service is the least of your worries.

Good luck sorting everything out. Flowers

Rosscameasdoody · 23/03/2023 09:00

rwalker · 23/03/2023 08:46

Sounds like there’s more going on

but personally I wouldn’t use a massive chunk of my yearly holiday allowance allowance for this
would of look at childcare if u can claim it back we have few days at Christmas and this would leave me with just over 2 weeks for the rest of the hol year

think he’s just agreed for a quiet life and now thought it through

Doesn’t make him any less of a twat though does it ? She gave him plenty of notice and he agree. Now, with a week to go, he’s ‘thought it through’ and has changed his mind, knowing she can’t get out of it without getting into a lot of trouble. The fact that he expects her family to cancel their holiday to look after his children is further proof he’s a selfish arsehole.

MsWhitworth · 23/03/2023 09:01

XjustagirlX · 23/03/2023 08:56

Out of curiosity if someone defers with a valid reason but then the next time they also can’t attend (say due to pregnancy or an exam or a newborn baby), what would happen? Of both times are valid reasons do you just get a fine and arrested?

OP I would try to defer again and if not just leave the kids with him as he initially agreed.

You can defer once. This is why you shouldn’t do it lightly because it might be even more convenient next time.

MMMarmite · 23/03/2023 09:02

What an absolute loser he is. Goes back on his word. Doesn't even want to look after his own kids.

I'm sorry OP. I can't tell you what to do, but you are absolutely in the right.

Blossomtoes · 23/03/2023 09:02

It seems crazy that they’re insisting you do jury service OP. I’d love to do it and have never been called. There must be lots of people like me.

LooksLikeASugarInAPlum · 23/03/2023 09:02

I thought you could claim childcare costs.

Smallngrumpy · 23/03/2023 09:03

I see that you said you tried to get out of it, but did you ask for it to be deferred?
I think you should try again and if not childcare will have to be arranged.
In their eyes, childcare is not really a reason as the court will pay for reaonable childcare .
I get that your husband is being ridiculous, but your kids have to come first.
So sorry this is happening .

XjustagirlX · 23/03/2023 09:03

@MsWhitworth but this is what I mean. What if both times are genuine valid reasons where you can’t attend. Like the first time you have your wedding booked and the second time is your due date for a baby? What would actually happen?

MsWhitworth · 23/03/2023 09:04

Blossomtoes · 23/03/2023 09:02

It seems crazy that they’re insisting you do jury service OP. I’d love to do it and have never been called. There must be lots of people like me.

I’d like to as well. But that’s the very reason why you can’t volunteer - you’d naturally get a certain demographic, whereas you need a cross-section of society.

MattDamon · 23/03/2023 09:04

You aren't in a loving, respectful relationship. You and your children deserve better than this. Start making an exit plan.

OnGoldenPond · 23/03/2023 09:05

No way would I be risking arrest and a criminal record for anyone! It's not just weighing up the money effect, a criminal record is a serious thing. I would say your plan of leaving early to make sure he can't go off and leave you with the DC is the best option. If there is any fall out from that I would be leaving him.

MsWhitworth · 23/03/2023 09:06

XjustagirlX · 23/03/2023 09:03

@MsWhitworth but this is what I mean. What if both times are genuine valid reasons where you can’t attend. Like the first time you have your wedding booked and the second time is your due date for a baby? What would actually happen?

I think when you defer the first time, you can offer three possible dates that you can do. So seems a good idea to do that, rather than have it sprung on you, for the reasons you suggest.

FangsForTheMemory · 23/03/2023 09:06

Blossomtoes · 23/03/2023 09:02

It seems crazy that they’re insisting you do jury service OP. I’d love to do it and have never been called. There must be lots of people like me.

You think it’s fun? I know three people who found it absolutely traumatic. You don’t know what sort of cases you’ll get.

elephantsbreafh · 23/03/2023 09:06

I’m not even with my child’s father and he took time off work when I served on a jury. 🤯

XjustagirlX · 23/03/2023 09:06

I would like to do jury service too. I currently have a newborn baby so I don’t think I could do it due to breastfeeding and pumping milk. But if I defered then next time i could be near the due date of my next child. Would they arrest me?

whatevrrrr · 23/03/2023 09:08

LooksLikeASugarInAPlum · 23/03/2023 09:02

I thought you could claim childcare costs.

You can. But they are minimal and would not cover the cost of caring for two children. Plus the OP is a SAHM so she would be handing over two children to random strangers with no time for the children to get to know them. It would be horrendous for a one-year-old to be suddenly deprived of his/her mum without any previous planning. Moreover, what decent childminder/nanny/nursery is going to magically have space with week's notice, even if it were desirable for the children?