Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH is selfish over my jury service?

470 replies

SeekChase · 23/03/2023 08:14

Hi Ladies...
So, around 2 months ago I was sent a Jury Summons. As I am a mum to 2 small (1&4) children, and with the Jury Service being set for first week or half term ( no preschool), I tried to get out of it, but to no avail. I do understand that they always invite a surplus of potential Jury candidates and there is a chance of getting out on the day...
However, I did give my DH plenty of notice (he is a roofer) and asked that he takes that week to 10 days off to look after the kids (I am normally the stay at home mum) - while I do the Jury Service IF I can't get out of it.

HE AGREED.
Well, last night, bearing in mind I have a week or so before the Jury service starts, he told me he wants to work and its tough. He said I'll have to not go. I said I can get fined £1000 for not showing up, he said "yes it's stupid isn't it" - but won't budge.
I have family but they are actually going away on a prearranged holiday, my DH said they will have to cancel and its not his problem. I am fuming. AIBU?

OP posts:
raincamepouringdown · 23/03/2023 09:35

I would just leave the house earlier than you would need to on the first day of jury service, like 7:00 am.

Your DH has already shown himself to be a massive arsehole who doesn't want to look after his own children, even when he said he would. Let this be the final nail in your relationship. You don't want this role model fulltime in your DCs' lives.

FurAndFeathers · 23/03/2023 09:35

diddl · 23/03/2023 09:23

Hopefully there will be a neighbour or school mum who can help out Op.

I do wonder where they expect you to find childcare though?

Not everyone has someone available!

@diddl they expect the children’s available parent to actually parent them

if she were a single parent with no childcare they’d take that into account.

she isn’t.
so expecting the court to treat her as such because her husband is an arsehole who can’t be bothered to parent his own children is unrealistic

Minfilia · 23/03/2023 09:36

Get up early and go. Leave the kids with him.

He is a twat.

Failing that you’ll have to literally turn up to court with the kids which isn’t exactly ideal.

Naunet · 23/03/2023 09:36

Blossomtoes · 23/03/2023 09:33

You misinterpreted my post which was based purely on economics. If I could earn £2k in ten days and faced a £1k fine for not doing ten days jury service, it would obviously make financial sense to go to work and pay the fine.

Show quote history

You realise it’s a criminal offence, not just a fine? Him losing money is not a valid excuse not to go, it will not be accepted by the court. It doesn’t matter how much financial sense it might make to you, it’s not a legal option.

Azandme · 23/03/2023 09:36

"I have family but they are actually going away on a prearranged holiday, my DH said they will have to cancel and its not his problem."

That statement, just that, would've ended this marriage on the spot for me.

What an absolute selfish, arrogant, waste of skin.

Itsbytheby · 23/03/2023 09:37

Of course your DH is being selfish. Is he normally like this?

what I would do? arrange childcare for the week and look at other options for your future. Honestly I could not be putting up with having to rely on someone like him, and if you can't even rely on your husband to look after your joint children when you'd already arranged it. Honestly it wouldn t' strike me as a good use of annual leave, but given he had agreed it it's out of order.

Aprilx · 23/03/2023 09:41

Blossomtoes · 23/03/2023 09:08

I’m not suggesting you should be able to volunteer but it surely wouldn’t be difficult to allow someone to refuse and just pass on down the list? If I can get through over 50 eligible years without being called there’s obviously no need to coerce anyone who’s unwilling.

Show quote history

I think they do have to make it hard to opt out, otherwise you would still get the same groups of society refusing, e.g. parents of young children or people that think they are too important to be off work and consequently missing out on those cross sections of society.

pinkyredrose · 23/03/2023 09:42

snitzelvoncrumb · 23/03/2023 08:27

I don’t know how they expect a mum with young kids can do Jury duty. Just take your kids with you. Be honest that you don’t have care. And obviously your dh is a jerk.

Don't take the kids!

Hellno45 · 23/03/2023 09:42

What a wanker

GoodChat · 23/03/2023 09:42

they expect the children’s available parent to actually parent them

But that's ridiculous. Nobody should have to lose income (or annual leave) to serve on a jury. It's a stupid system.

I'm not saying he shouldn't have to pull his weight, because he's clearly an arse, but they shouldn't negatively impact whole families for something compulsory in law.

pinkyredrose · 23/03/2023 09:43

TheMatriarchy · 23/03/2023 09:32

Explain to the court you are in a domestic abuse/coercive control situation with your children's father, and your abuser has withdrawn his consent/support for you to attend at the last minute as he wants you to be fined/cautioned as a means of control.
And then start looking for some help to get out of the situation you are in.

This

PrettyMaybug · 23/03/2023 09:44

Wow, what a pillock. He's acting like you are going on some jolly with a bunch of mates. This is serious shit. WTF is wrong with him? I have no words, seriously.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/03/2023 09:44

Bergamotte · 23/03/2023 09:13

He is being ridiculous. They are HIS children. You are all a family.
He had plenty of notice, and has had his leave approved so doesn't need to stress about his job.

If you do end up being needed for jury service, he can look after his children as planned. (and enjoy having some dad&children time, as well as of course shouldering his share of parenting.)
If, on some of the days, they don't need you for jury service, you can go on nice family days out, or build a den behind the sofa of whatever, together as a family, since it is the school holidays.
Surely this is actually really lucky timing? (If it happened during term time, and he didn't want to take time off work, who would pick the kids up from preschool?)

Definitely go to your jury service as planned - I would say leave even earlier, at least an hour before he might - and leave the kids with him, as you suggested.

Have you RTFT ? Forgive me, but this isn’t some Walt Disney movie. If he’s so disinterested in his family that he’s prepared to see his wife arrested for contempt of court rather than honour the commitment he made to look after his children, then he doesn’t seem the type of dad who will suddenly want to be going on nice family days out or building sofa dens on days the OP is not needed for JS. More likely he’ll be moaning about the time he could have been working and the ‘wasted’ holidays he took, and generally making them feel guilty. Sounds like the bluebird of happiness so clearly spreading joy in your life, is crapping all over the OP’s at the moment.

absolutelyknackeredcow · 23/03/2023 09:47

I did Jury service last year - there is tonnes wrong with the system and personally it was a massive logistical nightmare with work and the fact that it was the summer holidays
However
It is not unreasonable that you have been asked to serve
We can't have a situation when jury's only have people who don't have caring responsibilities on it but mainly
Your husband is being a complete idiot and actually isn't realising that a fine is a pretty serious thing to have against you

Ponoka7 · 23/03/2023 09:48

I think that it is stupid to give up holiday time to do jury duty. There's enough people who are retired, employed who could be released for JD that they don't need to rope the parents of young children and the self employed in.

Blossomtoes · 23/03/2023 09:49

We can't have a situation when jury's only have people who don't have caring responsibilities on it

Why not? As long as there’s diversity in age, sex, etc. why can’t people with caring responsibilities just be excused?

Harriyet · 23/03/2023 09:50

Hes obviously a selfish prick. I wouldnt have asked him to use annual leave for this I'd have used childcare and claimed back the expenses. Because I'd rather use annual leave as a family where possible and 10 days is a lot of days annual leave gone. But he said yes, so he's being a dick now.

CornishGem1975 · 23/03/2023 09:51

GoodChat · 23/03/2023 09:42

they expect the children’s available parent to actually parent them

But that's ridiculous. Nobody should have to lose income (or annual leave) to serve on a jury. It's a stupid system.

I'm not saying he shouldn't have to pull his weight, because he's clearly an arse, but they shouldn't negatively impact whole families for something compulsory in law.

Agree. My DH is self-employed but he couldn't just take 2 weeks off to cover me on jury service. If he did, we wouldn't be able to pya the mortgage or bills.

EffortlessDesmond · 23/03/2023 09:51

Phone the number for the Jury Officer... it will be on the paperwork the Court has sent, and ask for a deferral on the basis of late-fail childcare. Or book an emergency nanny for the first day, so you can turn up and then explain to the Jury Officer. They always call at least double the number of jurors actually needed, so you have a reasonable chance at being excused, and it only takes a defendant to change plea to guilty for a trial to be unnecessary.

I was a jury candidate last week, and was formally discharged from service by 3.30pm on Monday afternoon.

pinkyredrose · 23/03/2023 09:51

Ponoka7 · 23/03/2023 09:48

I think that it is stupid to give up holiday time to do jury duty. There's enough people who are retired, employed who could be released for JD that they don't need to rope the parents of young children and the self employed in.

They need a cross section of society, that's the point.

Beamur · 23/03/2023 09:52

But that's ridiculous. Nobody should have to lose income (or annual leave) to serve on a jury. It's a stupid system
Ridiculous or not. This is exactly what happens. You get travel paid and something like £5 a day for food and if you can prove loss of earnings you get an allowance of an amount that's around £65 per day. That's it.
If you are called you have to do it, you can defer and there are some exemptions.

cptartapp · 23/03/2023 09:52

SeekChase · 23/03/2023 08:26

I'm sick of it, he is always like this and it's getting worse. He is selfish. This could be the final straw!

Well remind him he'll be responsible for 24/7 sole childcare for his DC half of every week going forward if you split over this. So he needs to stick to his word and not shoot himself in the foot here.

AnotherEmma · 23/03/2023 09:53

SeekChase · 23/03/2023 09:10

If you defer you have to give suggested alternative dates within 12 months. So you wouldn't give any time around the due date of a new baby, etc.
I'll make some calls today and update later!

Just do this. Tell them that your childcare arrangements have fallen through (no need to tell them it's actually your useless husband). Tell them dates you can't do ie school holidays and dates your family won't be available to help out. (Take useless husband out of the equation.)

Then I'm afraid you're going to have to start looking for a job so you can LTB. What an arse.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 23/03/2023 09:54

Ponoka7 · 23/03/2023 09:48

I think that it is stupid to give up holiday time to do jury duty. There's enough people who are retired, employed who could be released for JD that they don't need to rope the parents of young children and the self employed in.

Because women with young children have experiences that are valuable in juries - just like everyone else.

The jury system is based on the concept on judgement by peers, not just whoever is free and can be bothered.

It's also unfair on small businesses to expect them to facilitate jury service but let SE people off.

GoodChat · 23/03/2023 09:54

Blossomtoes · 23/03/2023 09:49

We can't have a situation when jury's only have people who don't have caring responsibilities on it

Why not? As long as there’s diversity in age, sex, etc. why can’t people with caring responsibilities just be excused?

Well exactly. I have a 1 and a 3 year old. I could attend jury service because they're in full time nursery and I'm in full time work. There are plenty of us with caring responsibilities who can do it, but they shouldn't force people into it when it's so detrimental to their personal situations.