DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

[princemarry]

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

He sounds like an absolute twat.

Do you realise that the anger explosions are actually because he can't even look after his own personal life properly, and feels embarrassed about it (full bins, no socks to be found), but he redirects his anger at you, his wife who he supposedly loves, who is trying to look after herself, two totally dependent children and also in part her husband.

My ex was mostly useless with the kids when they were small, and if I ever spoke of feeling exhausted and in need of some help or just care while working and looking after two-under-two, he would say utterly unempathetic things like "Tiredness is just a mother's lot" and "I never ask for sympathy, asking for sympathy is pathetic". You never do forget those scathing comments.

Men like this hate nannies because they're a constant reminder that parenting is actually frequently a two-person job, but they're expecting (I would even say needing) their partner to pretty much do it on her own. A nanny is a real-life symbol of their own failure to show up.

Yes I do turn it around all the time and then he just gets angrier. That's when it really starts tbh. I don't take his comments lying down..

I said, how about you take out the bin then ? And how about you put the tea bags you left in the sink for me to put in the bin, in the bin ? Who does that ? I'm not your slave.

That's when it gets really nasty between us.. then he says I'm always moaning / whingeing. What do I even do ? I make such a big deal out of normal every day things. He also has a hard life always being at work and never home etc.

It escalates very very quickly into pretty nasty stuff ' you're a joke ' he'll say... ' no you're the joke ' I say... and on it goes...

His anger explosions are partly for that but also he just doesn't get why I can't always live up to what he wants. Ie: have a baby and toddler and cook great meals every night, set the table every night for him, do alll his laundry perfectly, run the household perfectly etc. and no complaints.

That's what his mum did, his aunts did, his friends mums did. That's all he ever saw. That's what mums did, full stop. It's just so ingrained that I'm falling below that standard.

And I do everything at home, partly because, like I said - he really isn't home much. But at least when he's home, he could have a bit of appreciation / respect for me and he could show a bit more proper attention to the kids.

That's what his mum did, his aunts did, his friends mums did. That's all he ever saw. That's what mums did, full stop. It's just so ingrained that I'm falling below that standard.

I very much doubt that his mum and aunts and friends all did it “perfectly”. That’s just a story he (and they) tell now.

At the very least, the emotional needs of the kids would be minimized in favour of getting the housework done, which is why men like him focus on working and earning money — visible achievements and worldly success are how kids of emotionally bereft “perfect families” learn to get attention and approval and validation.

How can you live like this?

@princemarry . Are you happier when he isn't around? What's your financial position? Could you get by on your own? What maintenance would you be entitled to from him?

I'm leaning towards saying LTB, because this goes beyond the nanny issue. It honestly sounds like he thinks you're some sort of slave or wifebot who should have no free time or thoughts of her own and who exists only to serve him. It sounds like he doesn't see you as a person - you're simply a combination of nanny, housekeeper, sex toy, PA... I would say that this borders on the abusive. I imagine it's tough with your younger one being so small and needy (mine is too), but I'd definitely start making plans. You deserve better. And so do your children. They deserve to grow up in a house without an atmosphere where their father doesn't treat their mother like shit.

I would too if I could afford it.
Good luck to her

Gosh genuinely surprised by the amount of people on this thread who sound just as judgy as the original husband! If someone wants to get a live in nanny, great, leave em to it. And the number of women asking why she had another if she found the first one so hard? Children are bloody hard work! Yes they are amazing but they’re also a bomb that goes off in your life. If someone needs extra help, why not?!

Lucky woman , she sounds astute about stuff ,
I am must admit quite envious of her,
Why not if you can afford it, and she still ensures she spends quality time with her child,
its not like she is just dumping her child on someone else,
the live in Nanny sounds more like mothers help type of thing,
its giving her more time to bond, connect with her child effectively,
whithout constantly allmost feeling permanently exhausted, for some time !

Especially if she hasn't got a mother or family who are not much good, not involved that much,
Who don't want to /can't be Arsed to bother supporting as a new 🙄 mum,

not everybody's got good supportive family members who they can turn to on tap,you know, !
some women /some people have lets face it, tell it as it is,
some people have just have misfortune, of having Crap family support /Crap toxic Narastistic type /selfish self absorbed family members or mother or fathers,!

@IAmTheWalrus85 @TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl

Like ubove said, !

Why are women's struggles are Only valued if we are struggling all or most of the friggin time then?🤨😕😤😤😤

I will be honest,
If I could have afforded it like this woman, who has hired a home help,

I too would have done the same as her, or had a Au pair

It's all so bla bla bla predictable that he is a male who hardly bothers with childcare with his children,

He Sounds Crap 💩💩🤡💩💩🤡🤡🤡

He sounds as useful as someone who has rigor mortois
Another words Corpose,

@princemarry you know that your husband's abusive right ?

Like I know this term is bandied around here like water but what your describing is abuse. Abusive people can be nice and pleasant (look up the abuse cycle) and I know your probably rolling your eyes at this and thinking well he's never raised a hand to me.

But think about it he doesn't need to. You already do what he wants because he takes you down a few pegs by comparison. I do work in this area I know what I'm talking about sadly.

You are being gaslit and that's why your permanently in a state of confusion (because confused tired people are easier to control).

Just because you wanted your child to have a sibling it doesn't mean that you signed up to be his personal maid/nanny/sec thingemotional beating bag ect

So practicalities - how little are your kids ? Do you earn your own money ? Married ? Finances how are they split ? (Does he control oversee all money ?) can you hatch a get away fund ? What about your support network ? Do they know about this guy/ anyone you trust? (Please tell me he hasn't isolated you from to many friends)
With small children getting away is hard but school age is much easier. Remember no matter what he threatens- your the primary cater for those children so he will be unlikely to be given primary care status over your should your split ?

Before you compare yourself to his mum and yours - remember a lot of these women suffered and stayed through abuse because society did not accept divorce and they would be out on streets. Society has changed thankfully now.

Watch the maid on Netflix -you aren't alone. They always say things in "anger" but remember most abusive people are in control all of the time even when angry. They just give themselves permission to say these things because they can. Not because they are out of control.

I think if she can afford it then do it, nobody shames the royals for for having help with their children.

@hourbyhour101 @Mamanyt @ReallyTryingTo @Doesthepopeshitinthewoods@Goldbar @Mamanyt

I hear hear, agree totally, i 👏 found all the ubove posters points very itelligent insightful on point in so many was,

Just Nailed it 👌 each of these ubove posters
👏👏👏👏

Oops typo mistake

@CheekyHobson

I forget to say this ubove poster point of view

Is Wow 👌 so on point
Insightful intelligence 👏 👌 👍

👏👏👏👏

Bloody hell, I started off thinking he was just a gobby twat but after reading your latest updates, I conclude that he's a sexist, misogynistic, nasty little prick!

He moans if you haven't done the laundry properly or he can't find his socks etc?

I know what I'd say to him. The sentence would include the words 'off' and 'fuck'.

Why? There are plenty of SAHMs on MN who say how challenging it is to have young children. Is it alright to struggle but not alright to get extra help if you can afford it?

@hourbyhour101 is right. @princemarry you need to get away from him, I think. This thread isn’t really about the friend with the nanny it’s about you and his expectations of you isn’t it?

The fact that he calls you a “joke” for failing to be a domestic goddess is so belittling. He’s a terrible father and the two of you are not setting a great example to your kids. Have you got a job? Any money? How realistic would it be to go it alone?

Men who are from homes where mother does everything can certainly want to repeat history when they have their own kids, but not always.

My husband has martyr mother number 1. He is pretty repelled by Martyrs in life generally and I suspect this is due to his mum to be honest. I mean she sure did do everything, killed herself in the process and then let the whole world know about it. Deeply unhappy woman, always has been.

Anyway, it just sounds like a disaster but one thing did stick out. He can’t even put his fucking teabag in the bin? I just….. I just couldn’t even be around that for a day. If I had to get a live in nanny because my husband was so bloody useless I would just fall out of love with him to be honest, so I would be inclined to think the whole set up was a bit pathetic, husband included in that like I’ve stated previously.

It sounds like you’ll have to take tough action here.

I would be surprised that someone who found parenting one child so challenging went on to have a second. That's assuming the first child was NT and otherwise healthy. Couldn't give a rat's arse about a family's decision to use a nanny.

I have no idea why you've started a thread on your husband's opinion about your friend though. He sounds like a cunt and you sound like you hate him. So obviously he's going to have terrible opinions that wind you up.

Boost people admit parenting is challenging and a struggle even if you love being a mum. That struggle shouldn't be judged, or people shamed for saying it. That struggle also may or may not people off having a second.

But it's pretty shitty thing to suggest that if you struggle with your first and have a second then you can't air those struggles.

You don't need to glorify motherhood and working like a dog. There's a lot of shades of grey in between.

That said I agree op DH sounds hideous - and frankly if she dislikes him I don't judge her for it. He sounds dislikeable in my book.

This post wasn't about her friend. This post is op asking a) if there are arseholes that think this is normal (answer of course arseholes are everywhere) and b) if we all have DH like this and thankfully I hope many can say they don't. Just because abuse is common doesn't make it right ..

Also good on the OPs friend for getting a second pair of hands. She pays for it and I doubt she gives a fig what anyone thinks (especially people like OPs DH - who sounds like a hideous character regardless). Sorry op I know it's not what you want to hear. But man alive surely a snail would be a better partner ?

But** ffs typos

Because it’s not about the friend at all, it’s about the DH and his incredibly outdated and unreasonable expectations about the OP and her role as a parent/wife/dogsbody.

As is so often the case with these threads the husband’s observations about the friend are really more about his wife and his expectations of her. The woman who has hired a nanny is just a more acceptable whipping boy because she has the temerity (shock, horror) to pay for childcare.

It’s very telling that he calls both of them a “joke”, which is a lame, half-arsed insult used by people who lack the intelligence to come up with a more reasoned argument.

He sounds vile.

@Thepeopleversuswork to me, it says a lot about him that he would judge my friend, it just reaffirms the views he won't admit to when he's not angry.