DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

[princemarry]

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

Well he's right in saying it's lazy.

She wants the children but doesn't want to be a mother. I know a lot of women like that - but they can't afford au pairs, instead they use their parents to raise their children from the day they bring them home from hospital.

Why have a second if you can't cope with the first? Why have children if you farm them out from day one? That's not being a mother.

I wouldn’t say she was a joke as that’s mean but I’d have a bit of a private eyeroll at her as well. Especially if it was an au pair she had rather than a nanny, who is a highly trained and qualified childcare professional. I’d also be wondering why she had another when she couldn’t cope with one. But, I wouldn’t say anything to her but we all form private judgements about other people to some extent.

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Nasty dickheads? Oh please compose yourself. You’re embarassing yourself now.

Having said all this it depends on your circle and what’s the norm in your friendship group. Having live in childcare certainly isn’t the norm in mine.

Is it being a mother to have to endure listening to your high needs colicky baby scream their head off for 40 minutes most mornings because you have to get your older child ready and to school on time and so can't hold them the whole time?

Is it being a mother to feed your eldest mainly on sandwiches and beige oven food because said baby feeds for hours in the evening and you can't bear to listen to them scream for more than a few minutes, so you make whatever is nearest to hand?

Is it being a mother to shout at your 5yo to get out of the bath 3 minutes after they've got in because you're nodding off exhaustedly on the bathroom floor and even in your hazy sleep-deprived state, you realise that leaving a small child unattended in a full bath of water when you're the only adult in the house is a really bad idea?

Some people on here seem to have no fucking clue about the realities of parenting more than one single-handedly with very little support.

Some people on here seem to have no fucking clue about the realities of parenting more than one single-handedly with very little support.

^ well said.

Is it being a mother to have to endure listening to your high needs colicky baby scream their head off for 40 minutes most mornings because you have to get your older child ready and to school on time and so can't hold them the whole time?

Is it being a mother to feed your eldest mainly on sandwiches and beige oven food because said baby feeds for hours in the evening and you can't bear to listen to them scream for more than a few minutes, so you make whatever is nearest to hand?

Is it being a mother to shout at your 5yo to get out of the bath 3 minutes after they've got in because you're nodding off exhaustedly on the bathroom floor and even in your hazy sleep-deprived state, you realise that leaving a small child unattended in a full bath of water when you're the only adult in the house is a really bad idea?

Some people on here seem to have no fucking clue about the realities of parenting more than one single-handedly with very little

This is a really great description of what it's actually like. My baby cries a lot too and I feel like I can't get anything done for my older child or husband properly. My baby is now too heavy to be carried in a sling for extended periods. It's tough to meet their needs properly by yourself.

The only problem I'm seeing here is that your DH is a misogynistic neanderthal.

Quote my post rather than take things out of context.

What do you teach, incidentally?

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Why do you want to know what I teach? Your enquiries are bordering on weird now. I had a differing opinion to yourself, I think you need to get over it. What do you do by the way? Not that I’m remotely interested but seeing as though you want to know everything about me, it’s only fair.

I was going to ask the same thing! 😁 Is a live-in granny ok (she willingly volunteered) or would people be aghast and up in arms about that? Let’s assume lovely granny is no more than 60, fit and healthy (not some frail 89 year old being put upon in her old age). I doubt many would be calling the parents pathetic or ‘wet behind the ears’ there’d probably be lots of oh I wish I had help on tap like that, lucky you. (Granny has her own self contained living area as most live-in nannys have).

I used to work as a live in mothers help for mums with two little children. Was normal in their circles. And can perfectly understand why its difficult. Sometimes its difficult with just one child only. Some people employ nannies, aupairs or grandmothers, some people employ TV and a dummy.

In my experience nannies dont have self contained living area. They have a bedroom and perhaps an en-suit bathroom.

I write things for a living.

I was curious as to you didn’t seem to grasp what I was saying.

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Sure.

Why is it so hard to imagine that its useful to have another person and set of hands when you have a toddler and a baby?
It sounds there is a lot of people on this thread who could have done with such help in their time and are a bit resentful :/

Unless she’s a single parent it’s not just her who has the nanny, presumably the father is part of the equation. The family has a nanny. What an incredibly misogynistic DH you have to think the only person benefiting from a nanny and being in the eye of his judgement is the mother.

It is a bit weird I think but they can spend their money how they like. I wouldn’t begrudge your DH his opinion though it’s hardly like he’s criticising you. Having a live in nanny like that seems like paying someone to go the gym for you to me.

@DonnaBanana he thinks motherhood is about killing your self for your family, and it looks like he expects the OP to do that as he does nothing, not sure why anyone would not begrudge that misogynistic opinion

If you've had a mother who has gone through all the hardships without being able to get a nanny in, perhaps taken pride in that as a woman and mother and similarly taught you that your own duty is similarly unshirkable and respectable and a measure of someone's grit, you could well see things in the way OP's DH does.

It does sound like DH has some extra reason if he's thinking "what a joke" , though. I wonder if she has been very full of herself and PA or critical of OP/DH before this.

Assuming she is working then I don't see what the problem is. If she's not working then she is being pathetic.

"It's not his place or anyone's to judge". But you're asking us to judge on just one side of an opinion?

@cherish123you think it's okay to call a mother pathetic?

Interesting that SHE has hired help. Won't her husband be shocked to see what SHEs done!

@toomuchlaundry not sure it is relevant whether you have children or not.