Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

563 replies

princemarry · 23/03/2023 06:59

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

OP posts:
JMSA · 24/03/2023 18:12

I personally would think she's a bit of a lame duck.

toomuchlaundry · 24/03/2023 18:17

Why is it only the mother who is pathetic or a lame duck? What about the dad @JMSA?

NippySweetie16 · 24/03/2023 18:33

Not just your husband who should be less judgemental!
Used to have a live out nanny when children were small. Was not rich by any stretch. Worked long hours, long commute. It worked for all of us. At the end of the day we all make choices about what's possible and best for our families.

Indecisivebynature · 24/03/2023 19:05

In all honesty I do judge women who have a live in nanny so they can continue to live the same life as before children eg:same amount of freedom to do as they please as in see friends/go to gym/beauty treatments etc but I don’t judge if it’s to continue with a career they’ve worked to attain.

toomuchlaundry · 24/03/2023 19:06

@Indecisivebynature and do you judge the dad as well?

WantToBeHappyAndHealthy · 24/03/2023 19:10

It is interesting to see so many replies saying that they would judge a mother in this situation but no mention about the father 🤔

littlestrawberryhat · 24/03/2023 19:13

Nimbostratus100 · 23/03/2023 07:12

it is delegating motherhood to someone else

I have been a live in nanny myself, and always was well aware I was just rich people's way of not bothering with their own children.

I don't really understand the attitude we have of children are such a struggle and a hardship - they are wonderful and amazing, and if you have them you are very very lucky.

This attitude gets on my nerves. People with children aren’t really that “lucky”, the majority of people who want a baby have one. It’s not really got anything to do with the original post. I am
in no way diminishing how awful it must be to want children and not be able to have them, I can’t imagine how painful that must be, but it doesn’t mean that you have to love every second of motherhood because some people can’t have kids. Children are hard work and running a house, working and being a mother is an impossible task. This mum isn’t delegating motherhood she is getting some help because you don’t have to be a martyr to be a good mother. And you don’t have to love every second of it. Because it’s bloody bloody hard.

restingbitchface30 · 24/03/2023 19:17

my sister in law is a nanny and I do find the concept odd. She works for SAHMs, usually just after the baby is born and does everything for them. I don’t get why these women have the babies tbh I have the same opinion as your husband. Sorry.

Goldbar · 24/03/2023 19:33

restingbitchface30 · 24/03/2023 19:17

my sister in law is a nanny and I do find the concept odd. She works for SAHMs, usually just after the baby is born and does everything for them. I don’t get why these women have the babies tbh I have the same opinion as your husband. Sorry.

Do you wonder why their husbands have these babies too?

rogueone · 24/03/2023 19:44

The issue here isn’t your friends choices- it’s your DH views. He doesn’t value motherhood and mocks others who choose to source help. You are meant to become the doting mother and housewife - he is a misogynist who doesn’t even see his role as being a parent to his own children as it is your job. You even stated that you are getting a nanny for the hours you are at work. Does your DH not do any parenting at all?

mandlerparr · 24/03/2023 20:10

He is insulting this and doesn't want you to have help like this because it would free more of your time up. He knows that you being tired and busy 24/7 means that he can get away with a whole lot of jerky and downright abusive behavior. This is 1000% the reason that men like this put women down and put mothers down in front of their partner. They want her to feel bad about herself, to feel bad about having help. Because if she has help, she has time. If she has time, she can rest. If she is rested, she can see all the bull shit he is getting up to and how little he actually brings to the table. And then she can make plans.

Permanentlymildlymiffed · 24/03/2023 20:57

Nimbostratus100 · 23/03/2023 07:12

it is delegating motherhood to someone else

I have been a live in nanny myself, and always was well aware I was just rich people's way of not bothering with their own children.

I don't really understand the attitude we have of children are such a struggle and a hardship - they are wonderful and amazing, and if you have them you are very very lucky.

This with bells on. While I think it’s better to get a nanny in than reach crisis point I would absolutely judge, knowing she had found motherhood challenging with one and choosing to have a second she was not planning to devote her time and care to herself just pay someone else to mother them. Everyone doesn’t have to find motherhood easy and it’s really sad for those who struggle, but choosing to have more kids when you don’t want to look after them yourself is something I can’t understand.

Goldbar · 24/03/2023 21:05

Permanentlymildlymiffed · 24/03/2023 20:57

This with bells on. While I think it’s better to get a nanny in than reach crisis point I would absolutely judge, knowing she had found motherhood challenging with one and choosing to have a second she was not planning to devote her time and care to herself just pay someone else to mother them. Everyone doesn’t have to find motherhood easy and it’s really sad for those who struggle, but choosing to have more kids when you don’t want to look after them yourself is something I can’t understand.

Show quote history

And what do you think of men who don't take shared parental leave when they have the opportunity to?

restingbitchface30 · 24/03/2023 21:19

But they are SAHMs while the husband is working. I’d think the same if it was a SAHD and the mum was out working

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 24/03/2023 21:23

The posters who are vehement judging this woman and calling her names (pathetic, a lame duck) are mostly, if not all women, and absolutely riddled with internalised misogyny. They’re holding the woman solely responsible here.

What a very sorry state of affairs.

Comii9 · 24/03/2023 21:35

I'm not sure what you want from this OP.

I find having one hard but having a live in nanny. Come on OP!

toomuchlaundry · 24/03/2023 21:51

The friend works

hourbyhour101 · 24/03/2023 22:03

Egh you know just as a women who has birthed two children.

I'm not sure if my DH had said this after the birth of my first whether there would be a second or even a marriage. There's low standards and then there's your DH

Op some women believe a woman's role is home and kids - that's their choice. What's weird is people seemed to think that any choice they make for their family, makes them superior some way.

Also I know you can afford a nanny but you couldn't actually get one could you ? Because your husbands 1950s dickhead that believe his 10 seconds of action is equal to your 18 years life long service (min per child) to child rearing. With no further action required from him. Talk about a imbalance.

Out of all the people I would call pathetic on this thread including your friend. The only person I can see is pathetic is your DH

He sounds deeply unpleasant. But part of you must agree since your having a second and are well informed on what he expects from you ?

Personally I couldn't ever find a man who equates his wife to unpaid nanny/cleaner/childrearer particularly appealing. What a depressing thought to be honest. Guess he wants you to work and provide as well as do all this stuff ?

At least in 1950s the man worked and the women only had the home and kids to deal with.

I think that's why people are asking you why you posted. Maybe you wanted validation that people agree with him. Well plenty of people have unpleasant views on all sorts of topics. And as most people know dickheads walk amongst us (and some are married to them)

The really interesting question I have (which given my fairly negative view I have on your DH which may make you not respond to this question - which is fair)

I'm guessing that your DH has some fairly "interesting" dickheadish thoughts on other things too - if so do share ? As I have found dickheadishness tends to spread across the personality.

That said if you think like you have posted your DH is just a prat. Aren't you slightly worried about how this will play out with your kids and what that teaches them ? Why put you with it ? Surely you know your worth is more than a mum/maid/unpaid whatever?

If he doesn't value the work you do, then surely you know he doesn't value you a lot at all.

Your self worth must be on the floor ?

Justalittlebitduckling · 24/03/2023 22:11

iusedtobeasize8 · 23/03/2023 07:11

Why would she have another child if she the first challenging ?

Does anyone NOT find being pregnant, giving birth and then raising a newborn challenging?!

Chilloutsnow · 24/03/2023 22:15

@Justalittlebitduckling

I found being pregnant challenging. Lots of sickness and pelvic pain. I liked giving birth (really). I mean it was painful to a degree but I loved the process and the excitement and my births were straight forward. Newborns I find easy. I do however have a husband who did 50 percent of the work.

Mamanyt · 24/03/2023 22:54

I, also, had a D(?)H who thought that women should do all of the housework and childcare, even if she did work. A care-giver was only for any hours the wife might be working. He was absolutely unmovable on that until I was hospitalized for 10 weeks due to a really nasty, antibiotic-resistant kidney infection. I came home to a full-time housekeeper/nanny. He told me he lasted one week...although it was closer to 5 days. Nothing like a crash-course in "Mummying" to change a man's mind about how "easy" it is.

ReallyTryingTo · 25/03/2023 01:30

He sounds jealous to me.

Original poster
princemarry · 25/03/2023 02:32

hourbyhour101 · 24/03/2023 22:03

Egh you know just as a women who has birthed two children.

I'm not sure if my DH had said this after the birth of my first whether there would be a second or even a marriage. There's low standards and then there's your DH

Op some women believe a woman's role is home and kids - that's their choice. What's weird is people seemed to think that any choice they make for their family, makes them superior some way.

Also I know you can afford a nanny but you couldn't actually get one could you ? Because your husbands 1950s dickhead that believe his 10 seconds of action is equal to your 18 years life long service (min per child) to child rearing. With no further action required from him. Talk about a imbalance.

Out of all the people I would call pathetic on this thread including your friend. The only person I can see is pathetic is your DH

He sounds deeply unpleasant. But part of you must agree since your having a second and are well informed on what he expects from you ?

Personally I couldn't ever find a man who equates his wife to unpaid nanny/cleaner/childrearer particularly appealing. What a depressing thought to be honest. Guess he wants you to work and provide as well as do all this stuff ?

At least in 1950s the man worked and the women only had the home and kids to deal with.

I think that's why people are asking you why you posted. Maybe you wanted validation that people agree with him. Well plenty of people have unpleasant views on all sorts of topics. And as most people know dickheads walk amongst us (and some are married to them)

The really interesting question I have (which given my fairly negative view I have on your DH which may make you not respond to this question - which is fair)

I'm guessing that your DH has some fairly "interesting" dickheadish thoughts on other things too - if so do share ? As I have found dickheadishness tends to spread across the personality.

That said if you think like you have posted your DH is just a prat. Aren't you slightly worried about how this will play out with your kids and what that teaches them ? Why put you with it ? Surely you know your worth is more than a mum/maid/unpaid whatever?

If he doesn't value the work you do, then surely you know he doesn't value you a lot at all.

Your self worth must be on the floor ?

Well, he's not outwardly a misogynist at all times.

He pretends like he's not. He makes the right moves. He changes some nappies/ looks after the kids for brief periods and he takes care of the home stuff ( admin / bills / investments / mortgages ) etc. he shares some of the load with the life admin stuff.

But does he actually know what it's like to look after them on his own - when they're born screaming at the same time and you only have two hands to help. No, he has zero idea. He's never taken his kids anywhere alone, he's only watched them for a couple of hours alone at home. The older one gets stuck in front of the iPad anyway. So he really doesn't know.

The situation is complicated also by his work. Yes, perhaps he hides behind that. But he's not home a lot at all. So there aren't many opportunities at the moment for him to do much more.

We are in a cycle at the moment where things will be ok. Then something will set him off.. like he has run out of socks or can't find his shirt or the bin is full and I haven't emptied it and he'll then show his true colours and in his anger he will say something really horrible. Like ' this place is always a shit hole, when are you going to snap out of it ? You're a mum. Deal with it. You're a joke like Sarah. What did you guys expect ?'

That's extremely hurtful. I'll not talk to him for a while and then he'll apologise and promises to not do that again and that he didn't mean it because he's angry.

Rinse and repeat. He'll have outbursts like that every couple of months. It's usually about his laundry not being done properly / on time or his dinner being not what he wanted or me not wanting sex / being tired or moody / run down.

It sounds absolutely awful when I write it down.

I posted because sometimes I just don't know if I should just get on with it and people who have help are a bit ridiculous. I really don't think so, but he makes me doubt myself sometimes. My mum did what I do and more- so did his mum. So do most mums I know. Sarah stands out as being someone who isn't in the same position and I'm happy for her.

Why did we have two kids. Because I wanted my child to have a sibling.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 25/03/2023 04:33

I’m confused, given his lack of expertise at being a mother and the pressure that comes with it, who gives a flying fuck what this twat thinks.

Goldbar · 25/03/2023 04:41

@princemarry. Have you tried turning it around on him when he makes comments like that?

"This place is a shitshow...". "I know, I've been wondering when you're going to step up and do something about it, after all you're a dad now. It's tough, deal with it".

"You haven't done my laundry...". "If you're doing laundry, can you do the kids' stuff too? After all, you're a dad now. You don't get free time. What did you expect?"

"I'm going out on Saturday." "No you're not, I need you here to help. Guess what, you're a dad now, you need to step up. If you go out, you're leaving someone else to parent your kids and that's pathetic".

Rinse and repeat. Maybe he'll eventually realise how ridiculous he sounds.