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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

563 replies

princemarry · 23/03/2023 06:59

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 23/03/2023 15:36

@YearsOfStagnation

to be called pathetic for struggling and needing help, is utterly disgusting.

Yep. And how much do you want to bet these people who are calling this mum "pathetic" will in the same breath be urging others to #bekind

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 15:38

@YearsOfStagnation

On my first post I specifically excluded those with postnatal depression from my opinion. Most mums who will be reading posts don’t actually have access to live in nannies whilst also getting support from their husbands, so this post is completely irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Have access to it? Fab, but
it is not really my responsibility to censor opinions that may be unpopular.

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 15:41

@Thepeopleversuswork

Now that, that really is offensive 😂. I am definitely not part of the false be kind brigade 😜.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 15:45

I think really, at the root of all this, it is simply reverse snobbery (read: envy and feeling slightly lesser over wealth) at a woman who can afford to do this should she so wish. And posters are lashing out accordingly.

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 15:47

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

I do actually know what reverse snobbery means but thank you ever so much for the explanation 😜. I can’t say I was overly invested in my original comment, but it seems I’m on the wrong side of the mumsnet fence today. Ahh well, it happens.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 15:56

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 15:47

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

I do actually know what reverse snobbery means but thank you ever so much for the explanation 😜. I can’t say I was overly invested in my original comment, but it seems I’m on the wrong side of the mumsnet fence today. Ahh well, it happens.

It wasn’t an ‘explanation’, it was specifying how I thought the reverse snobbery was manifesting in this thread… it’s a pretty general term.

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 15:59

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Do you know what an explanation is? If you use a general term, there’s no need to “explain” it in brackets. I take it your brother got the brains in your family?

BellePeppa · 23/03/2023 16:07

greenbackers · 23/03/2023 14:44

Are you now suggesting that having a nanny or au pair who covers breakfast or school collection for 2 hours a day means that people aren't parenting?

That's utterly bonkers.

@Chilloutsnow is equating having a live-in nanny to being one of those very posh families that put their kids in boarding school by the age of three and don’t meet up with them again until they’re eighteen. You know, Lord & Lady Snooty who live in the big Manor House and own most of the county.

MysteryBelle · 23/03/2023 16:11

Nimbostratus100 · 23/03/2023 07:12

it is delegating motherhood to someone else

I have been a live in nanny myself, and always was well aware I was just rich people's way of not bothering with their own children.

I don't really understand the attitude we have of children are such a struggle and a hardship - they are wonderful and amazing, and if you have them you are very very lucky.

❤️

Nimbostratus100 · 23/03/2023 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I dont spout bullshit, I spout the truth, some people don't like it, nothing I can do about that.

Again I suggest you take a look at your self to see if you can work out why you baulk at the word "servant"

RichardHeed · 23/03/2023 16:49

I dont spout bullshit, I spout the truth
LMFAO

Sarahcoggles · 23/03/2023 16:56

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 12:25

So, you claim to be a doctor, apparently. Scary.

Show quote history

Have you been searching my posting history? That’s a bit stalker-like! I’m sorry if I’ve got to you.

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 16:57

@Nimbostratus100 do you not believe parents can struggle at times with parenting? If it is so wonderful and amazing all the time why the hell does Mumsnet exist? A site set up to help mums

happysingleversary · 23/03/2023 17:00

You'll never be judged by someone doing better than you.

pigsDOfly · 23/03/2023 17:08

God, I find some of the posts on here depressing.

The spiteful bitching about the choices of other women, in this case mothers of small children, is horrific.

I suspect a lot of it's motivated by the fact that a lot of the posters don't have the money to afford help in the home, so anyone who can afford it and employs help is lazy, pathetic, a joke and is delegating motherhood and so on, and so on; oh and 'wet around the ears' not sure what the hell that means in connection with having a nanny or au-pair but there you go.

My children are now all in their late 30s early 40s. Thankfully, when I had my babies there was no social media available as a means to put down the choices of other mothers and attempt to make them feel like shit for what they were, or were not doing that apparently, according to MN, 'proper' mothers do.

I find this all this vitriol and spite levelled at a woman that no one on here, except the OP, knows very strange.

Why do people get so angry about things that actual have absolutely no impact on their lives?

Ppbbww9 · 23/03/2023 17:12

Always amazes me that on 'a site set up to help mums' any thread that's actually about caring for children ends up like this - posters tearing pieces off each other. The number of SAHM vs nursery/ nanny threads where everyone ends up judging each ither for their choices is ridiculous at the moment. Of course children and parenting CAN be wonderful, of course it is hard work, of course some people need help with it etc etc. Do we all have to be arseholes to each other about it?

SparklyShoesandTutus · 23/03/2023 17:36

I think you should book yourself a two week holiday and leave him home with the kids. Swe what he thinks when you return

GoodChat · 23/03/2023 17:59

happysingleversary · 23/03/2023 17:00

You'll never be judged by someone doing better than you.

Well that's patently untrue.

Hawkins003 · 23/03/2023 18:26

princemarry · 23/03/2023 07:28

@TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl honestly, he really really pisses me off. He compares me, unfavourably to my friend sometimes. You're just like Sarah. This is motherhood, when are you going to get on with it.

I don't even complain anymore. I've cut him out of how I feel because he doesn't support me. He asked if the baby cried in the night and I said ' yes a lot, I'm tired 'and that set him off on a tirade about mothers like me and Sarah. Not cool at all. Sick to it. No doubt he'll apologise later, but I'm sick of the apologies. I can't forget stuff like that.

With all due respect, your dh, is a pickle, it takes two to make a baby and raise them, or is his preference to dip the pickle ?

PinkSyCo · 23/03/2023 18:32

princemarry · 23/03/2023 06:59

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

I think that both of your attitudes are weird. Get a live in nanny or completely kill yourself for your family? Most people can manage to raise 2 kids without doing either luckily. 😳

Goldbar · 23/03/2023 18:35

princemarry · 23/03/2023 12:46

I personally don't like the idea of a live in nanny.

I would consider some help during my Mat leave. I would have appreciated it as my H works a hell of a lot so I've got a toddler and a small baby and I do all night wakings, drop offs, pick ups, bed times etc. every day and also at weekends because he's frequently away then.

So it's a lot for one person. He wouldn't be happy if I got a nanny to help me, unless I'm working. He thinks it's my job to do all of that and run the household too.

Show quote history

What a twat.

It sounds like you could hire ten live-in nannies and you would still do more childcare, and spend more time with your children, than he does with zero live-in nannies.

That being so, I wouldn't give anything he has to say on the matter headspace. If he starts spouting off about it, just nod vaguely and say "Yes, I agree completely... and the moon is made of cheese of course". He doesn't deserve the compliment of rational opposition.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 18:39

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 15:59

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Do you know what an explanation is? If you use a general term, there’s no need to “explain” it in brackets. I take it your brother got the brains in your family?

Christ almighty, are you serious? As I said, it wasn’t an explanation, it was breaking down my chosen term into specifics.

As in, within the general term of reverse snobbery (which is broad), I was specifically accusing you referring to posters being chippy because the woman in question is wealthy, and you some posters are threatened/angered by/jealous of said wealth.

Better to hope for that than you’re all actually nasty dickheads.

And you teach, you say? You’re something else. 😆

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 18:41

Sarahcoggles · 23/03/2023 16:56

Have you been searching my posting history? That’s a bit stalker-like! I’m sorry if I’ve got to you.

Show quote history

I didn’t actually, another poster did, as mentioned upthread.

OhcantthInkofaname · 23/03/2023 18:43

When my children were young we had a nanny. We both had extremely challenging jobs. A nanny, who acted as our house manager as well, was essential. She assisted us with maintaining our children at home and we assisted her with completing her education and providing a safe environment for her children. After about 12 years she was able to leave our employ with a home, education, and a new professional employment.
Nobody was a joke.

acuppatea · 23/03/2023 18:50

I wonder how this thread would have gone, if instead of it being about a live in nanny, it was about grandma moving in to help for the first few months. Is all the judgement because the support is being paid for?

I have a large family who live at the other end of the country and all the women have managed to raise their children to adulthood without ever paying for childcare, or having a mental health crisis, because they've had a large circle of people who pop in with food, take the baby for a few hours, have their kids overnight, pick their kids up from school etc. If you don't have this kind of support network but have the means to buy the support in, why wouldn't you?