Friends pressuring me to tell ex about pregnancy

[Bunny44]

Hello, AIBU? My long term ex and I both remained friends with another couple separately after our break up 7 years ago. I'm a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman at their wedding at the end of June. My ex and I are on amicable terms although he doesn't seem to have totally moved on. We don't talk regularly.

I've very recently gone through another devastating break up where I'm pregnant and my recent partner left me for someone else. I told my friend about the pregnancy at 12 weeks because she wanted us to get bridesmaid dresses now and I will be around 7 months pregnant at the wedding. A few days ago I received messages from her partner asking me when I was going to tell my long term ex about the pregnancy because it was really hard for him to lie to him about it and he thought my ex would be upset and wanted to give him time to be ok in time for the wedding. I was in the middle of a shitstorm with the baby's father and told the guy that I was planning on telling my ex when I had my own head round the matter, which wasn't yet but maybe in a few weeks. He wasn't happy with this response and continued to complain how this put him in an awkward position but I chose to ignore these messages since I'm trying to be less stressed given the wider situation with the pregnancy.

But then today I received more messages from my this guy asking me again when I was going to tell my ex and how hard it was for him to keep lying. It really stressed me out so I decided to message my friend (his parner) to complain and say that it was really upsetting me to be put under this type of pressure during such a hard time, but she said she agreed with him and that I needed to be more considerate of other people's feelings.

The conversation went on for a while where I tried repeatedly to ask them for space and understanding and they refused to acknowledge my feelings about it. I said I felt that they were prioritising their feelings and my ex's feelings over mine when it's me who is pregnant and should be up to me who I discuss it with. Also I think my ex would be upset about how they're approaching this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable? How do I get them to back off?

Yes, so would I. They don’t seem concerned about you at all, to be honest.

These people are not your friends. I’d be telling her to organise her own hen do and that you won’t be attending the wedding. Yes, they are obviously worried about their friend (your ex) but they’re also completely bulldozing your feelings and showing absolutely no regard for you. Quite staggering really how much they’re going out of their way to be dickheads.

I’m currently pregnant and have told people who need to know. No big announcements & definitely not ringing my ex husband to tell him either!

Your baby, your choice. Tell them anymore pressure they can stick their wedding. Absolute cheeky cf they are!

I thought it was considered usual and appropriate to not announce a pregnancy at all publicly until at least 12 weeks have passed. The only people who are 'in the know' beforehand are those who are very intimately connected. And it is considered polite and thoughtful not to spread the news beyond this inner circle. The chances of losing a pregnancy within the first three months are actually quite high and it is a vulnerable time for the mother. Surely that is the reason for this socially recognised convention...

How upsetting for you to have to deal with this ridiculous pressure at this stage

OP those are not your friends.

of course there’s no need for your ex ex to know. How bloody ridiculous.

your so-called friends are revelling in your drama and want to lament over it with the ex ex. Thats all they care about and its pathetic. They sound like very strange people with little lives.

I would tell them to do one, pull out of the bridesmaid position and concentrate on looking after myself. Then the happy couple can explain to your ex why you are not there. They are bullying you, not what you need right now.

Good Luck

You don't have to tell anyone you are pregnant until you are ready unless they have skin in the game. An ex you broke up with 7 years ago and have zero children with does not have skin in this game. In fact, I find it really weird that he is still so up in your business that people think he needs to be one of the first to know lest he suffer a devastating breakdown. Since he is still friends with people you are friends with and you will be in a wedding together, I would tell them that you will speak with him yourself in one month. No sooner. If it takes him longer than 1-2 months to get over it, then maybe he should get some serious counseling. I mean, come on.
100% see why you left him if this is how everyone assumes he is going to react. Tells me that he saw you as property and he groomed the people around you into seeing you as his property. Good on you for standing up to all of them.

You split up with ex 7 years ago and he’s not over it yet? Psycho alert. No, he doesn’t need to be told anything about you, your pregnancy, your role at mutual friends’ wedding or your whereabouts, nothing. Mutual friends need to be quiet. Congratulations on your pregnancy and sympathy on the recent breakup, you’ll get through this.

Are they insane? What has this got to do with an ex you separated from 7 years ago. I swear I would just tell them both to fuck off.

I married young we both said we didn’t want children. After a few years we realised we didn’t want to be married anymore just grew apart no big drama. Although it was more me than him.
I met a new DP 6 months later and by the following year we had a much loved and planned for DC. At no time did I consider telling my ex about my relationship or DC. While I was pregnant I got a call from ex SIL asking if I was pregnant and asking loads of questions. None of her business I cut off contact also had friends who had been couple friends and stopped seeing them also. They were part of my old life.
Anyway my point OP is you don’t need so called friends like that in your life. Your family are right real friends don’t treat you like they have. I hope everything works out for you.

Alot of people don't seem to get your post , it's quite clear to me you will be 7 months pregnant at you and your Exs' mutual friends wedding, you both being part of wedding party. So your pregnancy won't really be able to be concealed. Your friends though are the ones being very unreasonable at worrying about their feelings and those of your ex and its shocking their harassment of you, I would pull out of the wedding personally after their behaviour I got their point that it might have been an idea to tell ex that you were pregnant but assuming still few months til the wedding so no particular hurry .
Your friends need to get off your back and be supportive, you're going through a tough time as it is. I'd just ignore them for now and if they go telling ex themselves then def boycott wedding, its your business,. All the best for you and your baby

Hi OP, the same happened to me (several years ago) so I completely understand your need to avoid extra stress. Your friends are BVU. Tell them to tell your ex, there’s no reason why they can’t be the ones to do that. It sounds like they think your ex is not yet over you, and that they care about him, but they really should consider your point of view more in this too. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of this. You are right to prioritise yourself at this point. Have you got other support?

This.

Yes I've spoken to other friends and my family about it and they think the behaviour or this couple is outrageous and are really quite angry on my behalf.

The couple were still messaging me yesterday, even though I'd said I wanted to end the conversation, now trying to claim they both really care about me and that this shouldn't have needed to have been a long conversation... no it shouldn't have been a long conversation. When I said I was going through a lot right now and was planning on telling my ex in maybe a few weeks, that should have been the end of it!

The groom also said he'd do the same for me if the situation was the other way around and I replied saying that if my ex or anyone else was going through a big life a event, that I wouldn't want them to be harrassed over my feelings towards it, because it's them going through the event, not me and therefore my feelings would be secondary. I just find it upsetting that they think this is reasonable behaviour.

Also when I said to the groom that I was still coming to terms with being abandoned while pregnant, he replied saying that a few weeks have passed already and also I should have known it was a possibility that things wouldn't work out since the baby's father and I hadn't been together that long. So essentially saying I should be over it by now. But apparently my ex of 7 years ago hasn't had long enough...

I think the groom must be having a nervous breakdown or something as this is such an over-the-top reaction to someone else's news IMO. I'm just ignoring the messages for now as I have a lot of other things going on.

Is there a reason he can't tell the ex? Why is it a big secret? If he hasn't been sworn to secrecy and it's bothering him so much, tell him to spill the beans. Who cares?

Also when I said to the groom that I was still coming to terms with being abandoned while pregnant, he replied saying that a few weeks have passed already and also I should have known it was a possibility that things wouldn't work out since the baby's father and I hadn't been together that long

They're Batshit. And nasty. I would say something like...

"Hold on, you're saying I should have known things might not work out with the baby's father so shouldn't be surprised about the split? Yet you think my ex is going to be so shaken by finding out his ex of seven years ago is pregnant that telling him needs to be a priority, so you're asking me to centre his feelings at a time this bloody difficult for me? Please try to get some perspective and see how ironic that is. He is a grown man. His ex, of seven years ago, is pregnant. That's it. It doesn't affect him one bit. It is absolutely bizarre that you're pushing me to disclose this information in a way I'm uncomfortable with. Please stop pushing me on this."

These people are NOT your friends. Honestly, after the way they have behaved, I would not attend their wedding at all, never mind be a bridesmaid. Your pregnancy is absolutely none of your ex's business and the B&G are totally out of order demanding you tell him. What they are doing is harassment really - constantly bombarding you to tell your ex this. I don't know how you haven't told them to fuck off yet and to mind their own business.

I’d cut these toxic weirdos off in a heartbeat.

And don’t tell your ex, it’s nothing to do with him.

It's more because a) it's early b) I then didn't want my ex then reaching out to me at a time when I was dealing with a lot of other things c) I'm now concerned what the groom will say to my ex considering he's making such a big deal out of it all.

My ex and I get on quite well and I don't want this other guy being weird about my pregnancy to him. TBH I am considering telling my ex now just to get it out the way but also mentioning how this couple have been pressuring me, just so he's aware. I really want someone to tell them they are being super intrusive and for them to realise this wasn't the right way to go about things. Clearly me saying anything is not getting through.

I really want someone to tell them they are being super intrusive and for them to realise this wasn't the right way to go about things.

They are weird arseholes. They aren’t going to realise anything and you don’t need them to.

I’m finding your attitude towards this a bit frustrating, tbh. You need firmer boundaries. Do you have trouble standing up for yourself, as a general rule?

I think telling your ex sounds much less stressful than dealing with this couple. I'd also use the pregnancy to step back from the wedding, because they both sound a bit barmy.

Well I know people who would have not tried standing up for themselves at all in this situation and I have been trying. I'm a bit worn down with everything else which has been going on in the background and this is essentially 2 against one when I'm feeling exhausted and vulnerable.

I've had a good relationship with the bride in general and we share a very nice group of mutual friends who I don't want to lose right now. I have put bounderaries in but not replying while I give myself some space, even if they won't.

Well I know people who would have not tried standing up for themselves at all in this situation

And I know people who would. There are all sorts of people in the world. Doesn’t change the fact that you need to stop letting people treat you like this. Hoping they see reason, begging them for understanding. No. This is none of their business, they are being incredibly weird and unbelievably inappropriate. This should have been nipped in the bud from the outset. It hasn’t, so do it now.

There is no two against one. It’s not a debate or an argument. It’s you saying ‘this is none of your business, stop your inappropriate meddling, I will not discuss this with you any further’ and then cutting them off entirely (this includes blocking them and not engaging with their messages of justification) if they refuse. No, telling them to talk to your dad, no canvassing for support, just setting clear boundaries and enforcing them.

If your ‘nice group of friends’ drop you for this, they aren’t your friends and didn't like you in the first place. You’ll be fine.

You’ve got a lot on your plate, but one of the main reasons you’re so exhausted is that you’ve allowed yourself to become in embroiled in what is a ridiculous situation. End it.

He's cut up after 7 years? The whole thing sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic with your friends stuck in the middle. Tbh I'm not completely sure their primary concern is exs welfare (though I'm sure they care), it's the effect it might have on their wedding. That's on him but they seem to think you should be going out of your way to appease him....so they feel better.
Tbh I'd be tempted to opt out of being a bridesmaid. The bridesmaids and groomsmen will inevitably cross over (pre wedding duties, ceremony, reception etc) and it seems your ex isn't able to 'handle' this without stressing your friends. Use the pregnancy and breakup as and reason and tell them after X (insert date) you'll have told everyone and your news (pregnant and single) and they can tell who they want. I'd ask them to be vague about the split as you don't want him getting any ideas of 'saving' you.....he seems overinvested enough to consider that!

I don't think my ex is as invested as this couple think. They've continually romanticised our relationship since our split because they have fond memories of when we were together and doing things as couples. My ex has gone through some nostalgic periods about our relationship (especially during lockdown when he was alone), as have I, but he's pretty level headed and never acted in a desperate way towards me. He has expressed nostalgia to these friends and I think they over-think it and maybe even encourage it. They also negate our reasons for having broken up as 'misunderstandings'. In this scenario the main issue is this couple's refusal to respect my feelings, rather than actually anything to do with my ex.

For context I'm also quite friendly with my ex's best friend since we live very close to each other and sometimes bump into each other. It sometimes comes up in conversation that I'm dating someone to this other guy and not once has he made anything of it and I don't think he's mentioned it to my ex either.