Friends pressuring me to tell ex about pregnancy

[Bunny44]

Hello, AIBU? My long term ex and I both remained friends with another couple separately after our break up 7 years ago. I'm a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman at their wedding at the end of June. My ex and I are on amicable terms although he doesn't seem to have totally moved on. We don't talk regularly.

I've very recently gone through another devastating break up where I'm pregnant and my recent partner left me for someone else. I told my friend about the pregnancy at 12 weeks because she wanted us to get bridesmaid dresses now and I will be around 7 months pregnant at the wedding. A few days ago I received messages from her partner asking me when I was going to tell my long term ex about the pregnancy because it was really hard for him to lie to him about it and he thought my ex would be upset and wanted to give him time to be ok in time for the wedding. I was in the middle of a shitstorm with the baby's father and told the guy that I was planning on telling my ex when I had my own head round the matter, which wasn't yet but maybe in a few weeks. He wasn't happy with this response and continued to complain how this put him in an awkward position but I chose to ignore these messages since I'm trying to be less stressed given the wider situation with the pregnancy.

But then today I received more messages from my this guy asking me again when I was going to tell my ex and how hard it was for him to keep lying. It really stressed me out so I decided to message my friend (his parner) to complain and say that it was really upsetting me to be put under this type of pressure during such a hard time, but she said she agreed with him and that I needed to be more considerate of other people's feelings.

The conversation went on for a while where I tried repeatedly to ask them for space and understanding and they refused to acknowledge my feelings about it. I said I felt that they were prioritising their feelings and my ex's feelings over mine when it's me who is pregnant and should be up to me who I discuss it with. Also I think my ex would be upset about how they're approaching this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable? How do I get them to back off?

It feels like they were hoping you two would hook up at the wedding and get back together. And are worried that the pregnancy may stop that from happening. These folks are your ex-ex friends, not yours.

It has given me the impression they have a problem with me moving on, maybe even more than my ex. When I highlighted to the groom that it was a difficult time for me, he suggested I'd had enough time to process the situation and that I must have known it was possible the relationship wasn't going to work with my baby's father and I should be fine about sharing my happy news and that I should be more concerned about how my long-term ex would process it.

And he doesn't see the irony in this statement? You should've had enough time to process a recent break up, but your ex of seven years hasn't had enough time and you should be more concerned about his feelings?

This is ridiculous. I don't think I could be friends with this idiot or avoid pointing out the above.

But then today I received more messages from my this guy asking me again when I was going to tell my ex and how hard it was for him to keep lying.

He's not being asked to lie: it's not his news to impart, & it's precisely none of your ex's fucking business.

I'd message him saying that, & probably dob out of their wedding.

It's ridiculous the groom just hasn't told him. You broke up 7 years ago, if that news crushes him then he still hasn't moved on. Wouldn't make me look forward to the wedding.

@Bunny44 have commented before but read your updates… honestly exit out of this shitshow and concentrate on having a good happy pregnancy and getting your home and yourself ready.

These people are clearly more friends of your ex partner and their preoccupation with his feelings and his pining for you after 7 years is totally unreasonable.

Move away from the drama and have yourself a happy life. Xo

Frankly, if I were the couple getting married, I wouldn't have asked both the OP and the ex-ex to be part of the wedding party in this way - with a breakup that obviously affected them both deeply at the time, and with weddings always having a tendency for guests to muse about past and future possible couplings-up, this has awkwardness written all over it quite without the pregnancy and the issue of the OPs subsequent relationship. Just as when the bride or groom has divorced parents, surely there are alternative ways to include your nearest and dearest in ways that avoid putting ex-couples on public display? Seems to make all their worry over your pregnancy a bit fake OP. Again, I'd get out of this wedding.

None of your ex’s business.
None of their business.

And definitely not something that anyone else should be dictating when you divulge.

Im afraid I’d be declining their offer to be a bridesmaid, it comes with way too many stipulations. These are not your friends.

Mate, I say this with kindness but you're waaaaay overthinking this.

You've got enough to deal with with being pregnant and going through a break up. Just tell the bride and groom to tell your ex the news, you don't need this additional worry.

I agree them hassling you is rubbish, I'd be pissed off too, but directing them to speak to your dad instead of you is a bit weird tbh.

All the energy/time/mind-space you've put into this post and replies could have been used to just tell them to tell your ex and job done.

@SunshineAndFizz .

No!

It’s none of the ex’s business.

It certainly not up to anyone to tell him!
Geeze!! Op is entitled to her her own life without her ex being informed as if he’s actually important.

Ffs, grow up. It’s ops decision, not yours, nor bride n grooms.

Im afraid I’d be declining their offer to be a bridesmaid, it comes with way too many stipulations. These are not your friends.

I agree with this. These people have very little care for you, do they? 🌹

@Redebs There wasn't a lot of drama already - that had nothing to do with the couple saying he couldn't come to the wedding. The situation with the baby's father only occurred recently. Also there has never been drama between myself and my ex and we've always got on when we've seen each other. Actually even my ex has made jokes about them getting too involved in our relationship after our break-up which is why I think he wouldn't be happy about the way they are carrying on.

Yes, I'm also upset that they seem to be dismissing any cause for concern on my end. They say they care, but this doesn't show care, especially when I've practically begged them to give me space on this matter.

To be honest I keep worrying about losing the baby because of the level of stress (I've been having a high heart rate and heart palpatations and not sleeping) - this is my only priority right now is to lower my level of stress. I don't want to tell unncecessary people right now in case something happens and I don't want to have any additional stressful conversations with my ex on this matter until I'm feeling calmer.

@ThreeblackCats if she never had to see him again then I'd 100% agree with you, none of his business. It's a very different story when they're going to see each and both be part of the wedding party. It's common courtesy to him, so he's not blindsided on the day, but also better for the OP so she doesn't have to deal with drama on the day.

@Mothership4two thanks for explaining - exactly that.

I should mention I also ran this past a few other friends who think this couple are being way out of line and making a situation about them which really isn't.

@SunshineAndFizz I have already explained many times and in the OP that I said to the groom that I had planned to talk to my ex in a few weeks when I felt it was further on in the pregnancy and I felt better about my situation. I have no intention of blindsighting him at the wedding or creating drama.

Your friends are being really weird.

From your first few posts I assumed you wanted them to keep your pregnancy a secret from him and that was what they felt awkward about. Even if that were the case, you would be perfectly entitled to want to keep your pregnancy a secret until you can't hide it any longer, if that was what you wanted to do.

But then I read your later posts and you say you wouldn't even mind if they told him. Well why don't they just tell him then??

"Oh, by the way, I don't know if you've heard but Bunny is pregnant."

That's all it takes.

I don't understand why they're putting this kind of pressure on you when your pregnancy is nothing to do with them and nothing to do with your ex, and you've got enough on your plate being the one who is actually pregnant, having gone through a breakup and not having the father in the picture. You're facing having to give birth and raise your child as a single mother. That's a big deal. It's totally understandable that you don't have the emotional bandwidth to worry about your ex's feelings right now.

And your friends ought to be supporting you, not making your life more challenging and complicated than it already is.

Just bow out of the wedding. They are not your friends. They are acting weird. They are adding stress at an incredibly difficult time for you.

Their behaviour will only get worse in the run up to the wedding.

Why are you tolerating all this? Why are you running it past friends and telling people to speak to your father? Do you generally run your life by committee? Is this the ‘people pleaser’ thing I read about so often on here? As I’m finding your reactions unfathomable.

You are a grown woman. This is your business. Say so, in clear terms, and stop allowing people to treat you like s recalcitrant child.

Tell them that you do not appreciate and will not tolerate any more conversation on this topic and that you are prepared to step down as bridesmaid to avoid it. Then, if they don’t apologise, step down.

To be honest I keep worrying about losing the baby because of the level of stress (I've been having a high heart rate and heart palpatations and not sleeping) - this is my only priority right now is to lower my level of stress. I don't want to tell unncecessary people right now in case something happens and I don't want to have any additional stressful conversations with my ex on this matter until I'm feeling calmer.

Then for goodness sake back out of the wedding & focus on yourself.
Also - ditch these 'friends' because they are anything but.

They are being far from reasonable and understanding, problem is though I'm not sure you will be able to get them to see this.

They have each other to validate their point of view, every message you send would just be met with them confirming with each other how unreasonable Bunny is being.

I would decide yourself when you will be speaking with ex (if that is what you want to do) then relay "I will speak with ex on .... insert date, past 20 week scan, whatever time point ...... until then I don't want to speak any further about it. I've got enough on my plate without factoring in ex as well"

Really thoughtless behaviour on their parts but as I said earlier, you won't convince them of it.

To add, personally I would give up on this "friendship" altogether. They're not supportive and behaved pretty awfully.

Given your follow-up that you never swore the Bride (and Groom) to secrecy and you don't necessarily mind if they tell your Ex, I'd just tell the couple one more time that you wanted to keep the news relatively private as it's still so early and you are struggling with logistics, and you'd like tell the Ex in your own time before the wedding. You hope they can respect your wishes, but if they genuinely can't you're not going to try to stop them from gossiping about you or discuss the matter any further with them. Then let the chips fall where they may.

If the Ex is a decent guy and, as you said, wouldn't approve of them pressuring you, perhaps if he finds out from them then he at least will respect you saying you're not ready to talk and need more time. But if it does come to that, I think I'd be distancing myself from the so-called "friends".

@LucieLemon yes I think you're right that they're validating each other's point of view and getting wound up jointly together, therefore I'm not going to get through to them. I suggested my friend check with another mutual friend what she thought (since she's familiar with the situation) as I felt that they need someone on the outside to tell them that this isn't a nice way to treat me but who knows if they will. I feel like it's unlikely others will think they're being reasonable.

I have ended the communication for now as I don't think it is good for me. I don't want to start any drama regarding attending the wedding or not right now as I generally don't want drama. They may conclude they don't want me to attend anyway, but that would be awkward as I'm organising the hen party and they'll have to explain to the others and my ex why I'm not at the wedding. I think I would consider not going if they don't come to their senses.

They've had a lot of other family drama going on around the wedding which I've felt bad for them about, but in the same vein, I'm not sure why they're adding to their stresses and mine by making this an added issuee when it didn't need to be. The way the groom put it to me, was as if I'm doing something wrong and hurtful by not telling my ex immediately, and to be honest he's made me feel like I'm doing something wrong by being pregnant at all. I'm in my mid 30s and my ex is in his mid 40s so we're not spring chickens.

Cutting off communication is the right thing. Block their numbers for a bit to have some breathing space. I thought from your op that you didn't want to tell the father, which seemed unreasonable. Not telling an ex from 7 years ago is completely different! You don't need this drama.

I'd be telling them I'm not attending the wedding and blocking them both